


Dipshits in Space: Season 1

by AdrianOzryth



Category: dipshits in space
Genre: Comedy, Goofy - Freeform, Humor, Sci-Fi, Slapstick, dipshits, self-aware
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:54:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 85,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24409159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdrianOzryth/pseuds/AdrianOzryth
Summary: Dipshits in Space: an 8 season long ongoing series of material that thinks it's a cartoon. This series is designed in the format of a cartoon show, broken into seasons in place of "books" and episodes in place of "chapters" with a total of around a hundred episodes thus far. due to the sheer mass of content, individual episodes will be posted in rapid-fire simplistic descriptions more minimal than this original disclaimer, under the assumption that you can deduce that something named "chapter 5, season 2" is not where you start reading a book series. See description of "Dipshits in Space season 1, chapter 1" for information and starting point. Enjoy.(see notes for more description)





	1. Dipshits in space Season 1, episode 1 "Desperation and Chupacabra"

**Author's Note:**

> An eccentric comedy about space, and the Dipshits that end up in it. This hyper-self-aware comedy of stupid proportions centers around Captain William T Lawg (no relation) and his adventures as a guy who managed to afford a refitted soft-top icecream truck in space, in a universe where that's shockingly common. His trusty crew of valiant randos, Marley the tech-bro stoner spacebunny, Duffy the plump and sassy female mechanic, Roy the frigging fabulous Android, and also that other chick is there. Ride with the crew of the notorious Tast-E-Chill to a world of wonder that a lot of other space travelers have already been before, but probably not Lawg, so it's still exciting. with a crew of 3-5 and an IQ of also probably 3-5, The captain putters along to uncharted lands, where history, loot, drama, innuendos of the sexual verity, and various technicolor hoes shall surely be waiting, usually with some form of trap. Prepare yourself for shallow adventure, moderately offensive and overwhelmingly childish scenarios as the crew battle impossible odds, fierce enemies, lack of food and survival tape, and occasionally their own incompetence. 
> 
> This series contains offensive material including language, sexual references, political incorrectness, drug use, alcohol use, and a shitload of references and spoofs of other shows, brands, and celebrities, not intended to infringe or bash, but for the purpose of humor and entertainment. Most of these are my own person favorites and nostalgic loved shows, so don’t get too pissed off. It's just for fun. Dipshits in Space, is not erotic material, nor a profit-making series. As the author, however, I have other more serious works currently published under the name Adrian Ozryth on Wattpad, if you would like a more serious read and less brand-risky material.

Pilot Episode  
"And there she was. A gleaming beacon of polished…whatever it was made of. Aluminum maybe. I got it for a song, a real bargain, but I know why. Yea she is fast but the dealer saw me coming. It takes a lot to fool Captain William T Lawg, but this guy was a pro. He told me the interior was carbon fiber but turns out its mostly plastic and cardboard. Oh well, I can have it swapped out piece by piece over time for something better, something good and light, something that wouldn’t rust up or get old, something like titanium or bitanium. Just think how fast she would be then. I don’t know how many kilos or pounds or yen I could shave off but I bet I could reach like…insane speeds.” said a clearly intoxicated man with jet black hair. His 5 o’clock shadow made him look older than he was but he was brimming with confidence despite his unpolished look.

“I think you had enough soda for now” said the woman with the blue hair.  
“Why is that, maybe I’m not done partying?” he said with an eyebrow raised.  
“You haven’t even left your stool since you have been here. You arrived drunk, pounded back like 8 sodas and you seem to be staying fairly lit for some reason.” She pointed out.  
“Maybe that’s how my party gets started. Anyway so you wanna see my ship?” asked Captain Lawg.  
“Not really.” The Bartender replied.  
“But it’s a convertible, that’s why it’s so fast.” He bragged.  
“Isn’t that a bad characteristic for a space ship?” she asked.  
“Only if you are a battle cruiser or an explorer or a cargo ship.” He scoffed.  
“I thought you said you were an explorer?” she asked. He gave her a silent stare.  
“Different kind of…oh come on, I have everything else. Jumbo minibar, disco ball, hot tub, even an android that I am confident just needs new fuses to work.”  
“But not a roof?” she noted, raising an eyebrow.  
“Hey, I’m not gonna lie to you and say she is a Nerp class cruiser, but a good ship is only as good as its captain and that’s what matters, hard-top, canvas top, something better then those, doesn’t make a difference when it comes to decisions and reflexes.” He said drawing his pistol and spinning it like a cowboy, nearly dropping it.  
“Havin trouble there Tex?” she grinned.  
“Balance is off, that’s why it's so impressive. A normal man couldn't even get it spinning.” He said sighing as she noticed it was missing the barrel and receiver, just a handle and trigger, complete with holster.  
“What happened to your gun?” she inquired.  
“It’s a convertible too…shut up. I mean, sure I owe a little money but I can’t give them my gun or my ship.” He protested, knocking back another shot.  
“So you gave them half of both?” she asked.  
“Damn right. Finding a ship is impossible with the new registration codes. Every new ship requires a license and inspection, same with the new guns. You can thank the politicians for that. But as long as it pre-dates the ban…perfectly legal.”  
“But what good is half a gun or half a ship?” she asked.  
“That’s the beauty of it. Ship’s top is just an addition, the registration code is printed on the engine and the main frame column, so you can swap the top all you want baby, ride topless all day and it’s perfectly legal. Little canvas and a few cans of flex-spray and you got a ship. Guy on the commercial said you could make a boat out of it with a screen door. If it can hold water, It can hold vacuum, obviously water weights more than vacuum. So technically she may not be a full ship in the normal sense but she flies just fine. All I gotta do is haul some cargo and make payday and I can get whatever top I want, never change the registration code and that sucker at the pawn shop never even asked.” He grinned proudly.  
“Okay, but isn’t the registration number for that handgun printed on the barrel?” she asked. He scoffed and looked down at his belt. His eyes went wide.  
“Awe son of a bitch damnit!” he said throwing the handle to the ground.  
“Guess you should, have sold the whole gun.” She muttered to herself. “Wouldn’t have made much difference though, ship is worth a lot more then a pistol.” She said comfortingly.  
“Usually yes, but the ship sucks and the gun was a collectors item. I sold the wrong half, I’m so stupid. I’m a terrible captain.” He wailed, placing his forehead down firmly on the table.  
“Not sure if I would put my face on the counter. This is Delmar 7. Delmarians have a tendency to end up with their faces on there too.”  
“Who cares? I lost everything.” He said with a muffled mutter.  
“You do know Delmarians have their genitals on their faces.” She muttered. He jumped up and slid off the barstool, clambering to his feet and holstering the handle, wiping his face and frantically checking his pockets for sanitizer. He sprayed some on his hands and began rubbing his face. A moment later he let out a very feminine scream and dropped to his knees. The bartender sighed and rolled her eyes.  
“Rubbed alcohol in your eyes didn’t you?” she said strolling out from behind the counter and helping him up. “It’s okay, just let it out.” she comforted, returning to her place and pouring him another shot of the milky liquid giving off a faint glow and a slight green hue.  
“I’m falling apart, I got nothing. My girl left me for one of those yellow aliens with 2 heads, apparently he can watch TV and pay attention to her at the same time whatever good that is. She told me I never paid attention to her, I was gonna kick his ass but I don’t remember his name and they all look alike.  
“She didn’t mention his name?”  
“I dunno; maybe, guess I wasn’t paying attention the point is…I’m screwed. I have 3 weeks to pay off the debt I have at the pawn store or they keep my shit.” He sighed.  
“So what? Half a gun and a plastic starship roof?”  
“It’s not the roof, it’s what I hid in the vent panel. I’ve been missing most of the roof for weeks now, sell a section as needed. I just sealed the cargo bay from the rest of the ship. That last section had a hollow spot that space-pirates are prone to building safes into. I used the safe to hide valuables. It’s a Jade Plinket doll.”  
“A real one or a fake?” she asked, suddenly looking interested.  
“If it was fake I wouldn’t care. Those things are worth thousands of credits. I had it notarized and confirmed. Paperwork in the safe too”  
“Then why did you leave it in the panel you intended to sell?” she asked.  
“I was super sober, I wasn’t thinking. My girl just left me and I needed money, didn’t have a crew anymore, had to sell something and the shop owner heavily suggested the roof panel of my ship.” He said flopping his face back on the table.  
“He must have known you were hiding something.” she suggested  
“Of course he did, she told him everything. The pawn shop owner was the guy my girlfriend ran off with. She took 500 credits from my glovebox before she left. I should have put that in the vent too. Everyone knows Caster 84 ships have good hiding spots and safes can be impossible to remove if installed correctly. They’re almost impossible to crack without dismantling the entire wall.” He finished.  
“Or taking the roof off I guess. So I am just speculating here if you want to stop me…she told him you had a Plinket doll, she couldn’t get the combination for the lock so she got you sober and convinced you to pawn part of the ship to pay the debt you already owed to the guy she was sleeping with…and he got you to sell the roof that contained the lock box. So you sold him the barrel of a valuable antique gun to buy some time and you need 800 credits so you can get the doll you were going to sell to pay off the debt you already owed.” She said he lifted his head in awe.  
“Wow, you are really good.” He said.  
“Can I see that handle?” she asked. He laid it on the table without a second thought. He squinted suspiciously.  
“Why do you care about half a worthless gun?” he asked. She squeezed her boobs together and he suddenly didn’t care, sliding the gun handle close to her cleavage.  
She began fiddling with it as he rubbed his face.  
“Can I get another…I’m not quite sober enough to fly, these shots are pretty weak.”  
“Sure, here is a double. You are having a really bad day anyway.” she said pouring it to the brim.  
“So can I have my handle back now?” he asked. She sighed and lifted up a fully assembled gun.  
“No, I don’t think so.” She said with a smirk.  
“Um…why do you have my whole gun?” he asked.  
“Because I spotted the barrel of a mint condition Celtic Rider pistol in the pawn shop earlier and I asked him for the grip. He told me you would have it and that anything with tits could trip the guy up enough to just hand it over... I have tits.” She smiled.  
“Yea, you sure do…so do I pay you when I get the money and you give me back my gun or what?” he asked.  
“You stupid little man, you don’t grasp any of this do you? I am robbing you. Every pawn store is Colony Owned property, this is a dive bar, no cameras and no scanners. I get to keep the gun, that’s 400 credits easily, a month’s wages for a bartender and like you said…guns are hard to get since they started making you register. You just brought me the gun I needed to rob you. I didn’t believe you would be that stupid.”  
“You used me, Tits. Touché. So what? You got my gun, your not gonna shoot me.” he said with nothing left to loose. “Colony police would be on you in 5 minutes.”  
“Or, I could just call it self defense…this is your gun and it’s registered to you. An off-worlder with a fancy gun, a Chafee nonetheless, stone sober.”  
"Okay that does look bad, but I have been drinking enough of these things to start getting my blood-alcohol back to normal, any minute now…” he said feeling nervous.  
“There is no booze in these things, they’re flavoring for mixed drinks.” She said with a grin. You could drink the bottle and never get your head clear, and you Chafee’s are useless when your blood alcohol drops under .06. So those shots of sugar-water and flavoring probably boosted your metabolism. You’ll be so jacked by the time they arrive you wont be able to defend or finish a sentence without falling over.”  
“Well, Crapshit…you really are good. A Chafee in a bar with no alcohol in him, gun with his registering number, and a beautiful waitress who I assume gets a cut of the money for whatever this is?” he asked, looking groggy.  
“Twenty percent, so tell me the safe combination and I let you walk. Or you can keep your combination and go to jail. They don’t like Chafee’s in Colony cells you know.  
“Can I at least have my gun back if I tell you?” he asked.  
“You can have the handle…I’ll sell it for 80 credits.” She snickered sarcastically, knowing he had nothing left.  
“Fine, you win. No police, just put the gun down. I don’t wanna get shot with my own gun…Password.” He sighed.  
“Exactly.” She said.  
“No, I mean the Password is “Password”.” He sighed again.  
“Are you kidding me? Don’t lie to me you filthy Chafee!” she said waving the gun.  
“I’m not lying, the Password is just Password. I was sober, hadn’t had drink for days and I never used the safe before, it was a brand new ship to me. The screen said to enter Password and I took it very literal. I typed in “Password” and it saved it. I don’t know how to reset the damn thing. The Password is Password.” He barked. She looked shocked.  
“Wow…you really do have a problem.” She said placing a small bottle on the counter. “You need to get clean, How long has it been since you had any alcohol?” she asked.  
“6 days. I can barely walk straight, I’ve been too broke to buy anything. I’m only half Chafee, so I can go a few days without any booze before I get really trashed, unless some sneaky wench keeps sliding me sugar shots. Maybe if you had been pouring something stronger then drink flavoring this whole time, I’d be drunk enough to think straight.” He said swigging on the bottle she gave him.  
“Well, I feel for you. I hope things get better but obviously I am going to give the Password Password to the guy, and get my 20 percent. Here, house brand Vodka. Drink up, get your head clear before you end up in jail.” She smirked. He heard the faint sound of sirens.  
“I thought you said you wouldn’t call the police?” he protested.  
“No I implied I wouldn’t shoot you. You better go.” She grinned.  
“You suck!” he yelled, falling out of the chair and frantically transitioning from scuttling on all-fours to a wobbly sprint. He chugged the bottle and headed to the nearest populated location. He turned the bottle around. Mako’s drink flavoring. “Oh you stupid bitch.” He grumbled, throwing it at the wall. The lights and sirens were obvious now as the hover-bikes neared him. He rushed into the street and rammed through the crowd of partying locals, all enjoying the midnight parade for whatever reason they were celebrating. He zigged and zagged before locating his ship’s teleporter pad, as he circled around the long way to avoid direct attention, he fiddled with the communicator. Luckily even sober he was good at operating those. Suddenly the spotlight hit him and he darted for the pad, running into someone and noticing the police heading his way. His eyes got big as he realized it was the woman from the bar.  
“Are you following me?” he asked. The bartender looked insulted. “Don’t say a word you damn double-crossing whore.” He said burying the barrel of his bottle opener into her side like a pistol. “Go for the gun, or refuse to step on that pad and you are dead.” He growled. She looked confused but she played along. He hit the auto-return and they materialized in his ship, staggering out as he pointed the fake pistol.  
“Where are you taking me?” she asked, looking terrified.  
“Somewhere safe, might take you a while to get to a communication booth to call your friends but as long as you cooperate, I won’t kill you.” he said hitting the big red button on the console. The ship streaked away into the darkness as the two of them held on for dear life. He held the button for about 10 seconds and let off.  
“Alright, bet you didn’t expect that move.” He said rummaging through the minibar and swigging back a tiny bottle of something. He let out a relief “Ahhh” and sat down in his chair, adjusting the tape and lining up the armrest so he could get comfortable. The arm of the chair fell off and he just went with it, pretending it was somehow intentional. He cracked open another mini-bottle.  
“Alright, now take off that jacket.” He ordered.  
“You’re not going to take advantage of me are you?” she asked, looking frightened.  
“What? No, I just want my gun back. You already took advantage me of me enough for the both of us, but I got the edge now. I want my gun back, and when the chaos settles, AFTER I get my roof out of pawn and my safe back…then I’ll let you go. Only you know the Password so as long as I keep you here…I’m just fine.” he said grabbing the jacket and realizing there was no gun in it.  
“I have no idea what you are talking about, I don’t have your gun, or any gun, I don’t know you or any Password.” She said looking upset and ready to cry. He got up and was about to get verbally intimidating before he noticed her clothes were slightly different color. He also didn’t notice the ear ring back in the bar.  
“Were you just at the bar?” he asked.  
“I don’t drink. I never saw you until you held a gun to my side and forced me on this ship. Did you think I was someone else?” she asked  
“Awe shit…are you kidding me?” he hollered, flopping down in the chair as the other armrest fell off. “I may have…mistaken you for someone else. It’s not my fault, it was dark, there was some mayhem getting done, I was sober and out of breath and all you damn aliens look the same.” He said, realizing his blunder.  
“You thought I was someone else? You seriously can’t tell us apart?” she asked, half angry and half scared. “So are you going to kill me?” she asked.  
“No, wouldn’t kill you if I could. The same wench who has my password also has my gun, and by the time I turned back she would have my roof and my valuables and I’m already a fugitive for something I didn’t even do before the abduction charge I probably just earned. I’ll have to drop you off at the next planet with modern life.” He yawned.  
“Wait…she stole your roof?” she asked abruptly.  
“No, I pawned it. Long story. Besides it’s fine. My ship is even faster without it.”  
“Why are we not dead?” she asked, looking up at the canopy of ratchet-straps and canvas.  
“Survival Green, baby…toughest tape in the galaxy. Lotta older ships used to replace entire panels with it to make the ships faster, reduce the weight. Perfect for illegal cargo runs…or if you just lose your roof due to some unfortunate events.”  
“That can’t be scientifically possible. A thin layer of adhesive couldn’t possibly hold the vacuum of space.” She said looking perplexed.  
“Thin layer my-ass, that’s like 2 rolls of the stuff. Survival Green can do anything if you lay it on 15 strips thick. Don’t worry about it.” he assured.  
“I am worrying about it, it doesn’t make sense, there is no way that is safe. How can that flimsy tape repair an entire roof section, how does it insulate?” she asked. He blinked a few times and his smile faded.  
“I guess I never questioned it.” he said noticing his breath. “I just figured since I read it in a book that it made sense. Survival Green is strong enough to hold, maybe the freight runners insulated the inside with something.” he pondered as the temperature began to rapidly drop.  
“We need to turn back.” she insisted.  
“It’ll be fine I bet, besides I didn’t set the navigational beacon so I have no idea where “back” even is.  
“How do you not know where we came from? It’s the opposite direction from where we are going, you just turn around and go back.” she barked.  
“Yea, normally you would, but this is a stealth drive. It changes directions multiple times in transit so you can’t be followed. Without a beacon setting there is no way of knowing how many turns we did.”  
“Can’t we just guess?” she yelled  
“Bad idea, we could end up really lost. The stealth drive hones in one the strongest signal away from the target point so we would be better off staying on course and hoping for a good trade planet. I held the button down for like 10 seconds so we went pretty far.” He shrugged.  
“How far is pretty far?” she asked.  
“Well, speed of light travel…held the button down for ten seconds…so about ten light-seconds.” He shrugged, relaxing in his chair.  
“We are going to die aren’t we?” she asked.  
“Of course not…I got enough booze for 2 weeks easy, we are one week away from the little green dot here, plenty of fuel and there is a pot-belly stove if it gets drafty. I find if you stay comfortably full, get plenty of sleep and bathe regularly, try not to worry about stuff till a warning alarm goes off…everything usually goes fairly smooth. It’s when you struggle that you end up in trouble. See I was doing great, I had a job, a ship with a roof, and a girlfriend when I was just going with the flow.” He explained. She shivered and put her jacket back on.  
"So what happened that landed you as a fugitive on the run, with a ship made half of tape?” she asked.  
“Weren’t you listening?…I got a girlfriend. Girlfriends get clingy and stress you out. They mess with your vibes and muddle your clarity and you start wondering things like “What am I doing with my life?” or “Should I replace this fuse?” and before long you aren’t going with the flow, your paddling towards crazy goals like marriage and settling down. You start struggling and that’s when you end up pawning your roof and losing your gun. All we gotta do is sit back and relax, let the ship coast and at this speed we will be there long before the alcohol runs out or the power gets critical. Might have to burn a few things to keep the temperature toasty but I got shit to burn, I have quite the collection of lumber from old crates.” He said noticing the frost forming on his nose.  
“Yea well, news-flash dickhead…I’m not a Chafee, I need more than vodka and sleep to survive. I can’t go a week without water or food and we aren’t gonna have a week’s worth of shit to burn.” She said keeping the fire lit. “Plus…isn’t this a pure oxygen environment? Should we have exploded at the first spark from this thing?” she asked.  
“Don’t over-think it. That sounds accurate but we aren’t dead so clearly something is different.” He said shivering and grabbing a blanket.  
“Like what? What could possibly make sense here?” she said warming her hands as the fire flickered.  
“I dunno, I’m not a scientist or a math-chemist person, I’m a historian. Maybe there is some sort of space-technology device that takes care of it.”  
“Why would a ship be advanced enough to have some mysterious fire-suppression device and still shitty enough to heat with a wood-stove?” she yelled.  
“Calm down, you’re yelling is using up oxygen, clearly we have less than I thought or we would have exploded. Plus I bought that stove as a goof, it’s for roasting marshmallows and smores and stuff, never intended to heat a whole ship.” he said opening a drawer and looking for another blanket.”  
“Survival tape…wood stove…are you camping or running a spaceship? What the hell is a marshmallow? How can you be this stupid and still be alive?” she asked.  
“Chafee’s are inherently lucky. We have some chemical thing that makes us totally chill and relaxed, I didn’t really listen to the chemistry teacher.”  
“Alcohol…it’s called alcohol. Chafee’s are not naturally relaxed you are just naturally buzzed. It’s a mutation caused by thousands of years of drunk space-pirates surviving off rum and hookers and flying unshielded ships through radioactive space. Most of them died drunk and riddled with radiation poisoning and space syphilis. You get enough of them in space and some are bound to adapt. Chafee’s are just the .002 percent who mutated to suit the party-life that killed most of them. So you have a resistance to Theta, Gamma and Kappa radiation, and you don’t need food anymore. Just a balance of booze and sugar” She protested.  
“See? Sounds pretty lucky to me. Booze and sugar are amazing, especially together. Ever had a pina Canadia? All the unlucky ones are dead, so the only ones to breed are the ones with fortune running through their veins.” He smiled.  
“That makes no sense as all. The only thing in your veins is .28 units methyl alcohol. Chafee’s need to drink to stay sober but you have a natural “chill vibe” because you have no brain cells left. Chafee’s are born burnt-out. Some of us are not that lucky. So while you freeze to death pretending to be camping or lying on the beach, I get to freeze my ass off with the intelligence and brain cells needed to know how much it is going to suck. So thank you for abducting me and stranding me on a ship headed straight to a frosty grave.” She said tossing random stuff in the stove.  
“It’s space…how cold could it be? There are a billion stars shining from all directions!” he scoffed. 

A few hours passed in silence.  
“I think my toes are dead.” He said as he shivered in his little ball of blankets as they huddled around the fire.  
“I hate you.” she muttered.  
“This isn’t my fault. Plus we have only 2 hours left till we arrive at our destination.” He said pointing at the panel.  
“No, that’s two hours since we left.” She said shivering.  
“It’s only been that long? Geese.” He said looking more mildly shocked then concerned.  
“We won’t last another 2 days and your stupid stealth drive could be changing directions randomly if it’s as defective as the rest of the ship. I’m gonna die in an ice-cube tray with a dip-sickle next to me talking about march mallors and fortunes.  
“Ugh, Marshmallows are so good. You just toast them till they get sticky and burn a little and then smush them between 2 crackers.  
“That sounds terrible.” She said.  
“Oh the crackers are terrible, I don’t know why the books suggested it, I just scrape them off and eat the sticky part.” He smiled.  
“What are you, an ant? Then why even bother? Just eat the mallow by itself.” She grumbled.  
“It’s an Earth tradition. I read it off the back of the package. That’s where my ancestors were from and where the books came from, mostly just burnt bits and stray pages but I pieced them together. Of course it’s traditional to use chocolate bars in smores as well, but I can’t find chocolate anywhere. Probably got all blown up first when the collider went off. Switzerland was where all the chocolate was made, also where the Large hard-on collider was that blew up the planet.” He noted.  
“How did the books survive?” she asked.  
“They were covered in some kind of protective dust, apparently they printed billions of them and then like a hundred years later they just stopped using paper.” He noted. “There is a debris field just full of little scraps of books and you just gotta use your brain logicals and fill in the blanks. Eventually I’ll have re-written a whole library. I don’t know why they stopped printing.  
“Makes sense, it would take that long for them to develop efficient solar plants and stop cutting down trees.”  
“Oh no they kept cutting trees down, they just kept books on their computers and burned fuels to power the computers so it actually used up more fuel, but there must have been some benefit or they wouldn’t do it. Plus by like 2025 they all used hieroglyphics called Emojis and writing became obsolete again.”  
“Seems limiting.” she shivered.  
“They had their reasons, I’m sure.” He shivered as a little light came on. “See…now we have something worry about besides freezing.” He grinned cheerfully.  
“Alcohol burns you know…” she threatened.  
“Don’t you dare.” He snipped, waddling to the panel to see what the light meant.  
“What does the light mean?” she asked.  
“It’s the burnout light, light.”  
“What the hell does that mean?” she asked.  
“The light in the Kitchen kept going out so I wired up a light sensor to power this light. The light comes on when the light burns out. I’d go replace it but I used my last bulb to make the burnout light.” he yawned.  
“Oh my god you are useless. How did you ever successfully make any cargo runs with this ship and your shit-logic?” she groaned.  
“I’m not a cargo runner, this isn’t even a cargo ship. I’m a space historian, learned from my grandfather, everyone thought he was crazy but his directions lead me to the debris field. I am one of the few surviving Earth descendants who can read, and a few years back when I was applying for a cargo license I got lost on my way to the navigation hub, I don’t wanna talk about the details. Anyway I ended up somewhere in the Trump sector and we both know that’s a bad place to break down and fortunately I ran into another ship before I got jacked.”  
“Good thing you found someone.” she said rubbing her hands together.  
“Oh, no it was abandoned; I just ran into the side of it and crippled my rig. The other ship was in good shape though so I just traded ships and use my training rig for parts. This puppy used to be an ice-cream cruiser. Apparently Earth woman and children heard the siren and just flew right to it. I don’t really like kids but I like women and ice-cream so 2 out of 3 isn’t bad, not a lot of kids in space so it works out nicely. I traced the coordinates and maps back to where the Earth was and started collecting the debris. As long as nobody else finds it I can make trips back and forth and collect anything I want. Some of it’s junk and I can just sell it as scrap, but some I just have to keep for myself. There is a lot of history here, priceless Earth trinkets that one day will end up in my museum. I have comic books documenting the great Mutant Wars, but it’s incomplete. I have a crate of classical music from Earths more industrial early 21st century, mostly about hoes and getting money, so it’s relatable. And my cockpit is built around the frame of one of Earth’s classic muscle cars, a Ford Fusion. At the time, most cars ran on oil-based fuel so the Fusion’s primitive reactor was probably a real powerhouse of the time. Mint condition, engine was gone. Had to use it for something, why not a control cockpit? And this is a Fidget spinner.” He said digging one out of a drawer.  
“What does it do?” she asked.  
“I don’t know. There were a lot of them so they must have been important but I haven’t found a single useful thing they would be good for aside from distracting the hell out of yourself when you are trying to do actual work. I may have some of these cans of food left. They are little cylinders of blended meat in chicken flavored water from Vienna, an island on Earth.”  
“Are they good to eat?” she asked.  
“Well, not really but they don’t appear to have aged at all, so if you get hungry enough to ignore the taste they might be worth the risk. I dip them in tequila. They are about half salt and preservatives by volume so they keep as emergency rations, but I don’t imagine anyone ever eating them unless the situation was pretty sparse. I thought I found another food item about a week back that resembled meat. It had a yellow M on the wrapping paper so I unwrapped it, looked like meat and bread but the little devil nearly bit my pinky off. Shot 3 holes in the hull putting it down. Some kind of genetic experiment I think. It clearly wasn’t food.”  
“Let me guess…Survival Green Tape on the holes.” She wheezed.  
“I used 2 layers. We cool.” He said looking up and noticing another light on. He ran to the console and shifted into park, flipping a toggle switch and unleashing a truly demonic sounding musical tone.  
“What is that horrid music?”  
“I think it was called jingle bells, it was meant to alert people that the ship was in the area and had ice-cream to barter for currency. We detected a ship, maybe they will hear it. I’ll crank the volume.”  
“It’s a Vacuum!” she bellowed.  
“Don’t over-think everything.” He hollered back, cranking the volume. 

Part 2  
“It doesn’t make sense. There is nothing in space to compress in order to make sound waves.” She said looking irritated despite being now in a warm cargo bay, green tape binding her wrists.  
“They heard it, didn’t they? And now we are warm and sitting on a crate of cargo instead of frozen to death. Things work out of you just let the flow take you.”  
“The flow didn’t take us…pirates took us. We are captive on a pirate ship, how is this a good thing?” she whispered angrily.  
“Well, warm and tied up is better than freezing and not tied up. They have food somewhere so you might not starve now or have to eat those horrible meat tubes. And we were going to run out of oxygen soon, so alive beats dead. Think of this as a stroke of luck. Chafee’s are naturally lucky.”  
“I will kill you if they don’t kill us first.” She muttered as the doors opened and a short, fat alien stood proudly wielding a rather bazooka-esque weapon. He was armored from head to toe and spoke through a voice modulator to sound more menacing. 2 pair of rabbit ears hung on either side of his mask, like something out of a horror movie.  
“Um, so can we stop off at a fuel-stop and get a shower?” William asked the alien.  
“Name and rank.” He barked.  
“Captain William Lawg of the Starship Tast-E-Chill. This is my copilot…um, I never did ask your name did I?” he muttered.  
“Uka.” She said rolling her eyes.  
“Is this a military vessel or waste disposal?” it asked.  
“Neither. It’s a mobile Earth-museum currently, but it used to be a frozen food storage ship.” Lawg grinned.  
“What kind of food?” it asked.  
“Mostly frozen dairy and sugar bars. They are amazing. I found lots of small ships carrying them. Probably easy to store since you just open a window and the back stays pretty cold. There were some bags of incents in a sealed container under the seat with some paper and lighters but I traded them for light bulbs to some cargo hauler. Sucker gave me 18 bulbs for about an ounce of incense.” He bragged  
“Weaponry?” it asked angrily in a low throaty voice.  
“I had a pistol but that’s gone now. Otherwise nothing.” He admitted.  
“What happened to the dairy bars?” it asked.  
“I ate them already, all except a box of bubblegum sherbet. I just tossed that out the airlock with the wrappers, believe me you aren’t missing anything.”  
“So you two are alone…no weapons, no food, no cargo and no fuel?” it asked.  
“No fuel?” asked Uka, looking alarmed.  
“Sorry, I didn’t mention it before cuz we would die of air-loss way before we ran out of fuel.” He assured. The alien hung his head and drooped its ears.  
“Maaan. I suck at this job.” He mumbled, looking very sad. He tossed the weapon aside.  
“HEY! Careful with that thing.” hollered William.  
“Don’t worry, it’s not dangerous. It just blows warm air. I tried to fix it but I don’t think it was ever really a weapon.” He said flopping down and removing his menacing face mask to show a much less menacing chubby-cheeked bunny face under it.  
“So you don’t have any weapons either?” asked Uka.  
“Nope. Just a few crates of something called Coffee liquor. It tastes horrible and I nearly died trying to drink a bottle of it. Otherwise all I have are these dried, inedible bags of old meat.” He said kicking a crate. Uka tore open a bag and began mowing frantically, looking downright blissful in the process.  
“You do realize that is made from dead aliens and packed in toxic salt right?” it said hesitantly.  
“It’s delicious, just spiced meat that has been preserved.” She said chewing harshly.  
“Yea…I said that… Dead aliens and salt.” He said shuffling his feet. “You must be really starving. Have you eaten anything in months?” he asked.  
“She ate 3 hours ago.” said William, trying a piece. “I have to admit, if we soaked this in water and warmed it up this would basically just be pepper-steak.” He shrugged  
“Wait…you guys normally eat meat? You two are carnivores?” it said grabbing the leaf blower and shouldering it.  
“Relax, I’m a boozaterrian mostly, we aren’t gonna eat you. That thing just blows warm air anyway. You just told that part.”  
“Maybe I just have to turn the safety off, this could be a warning mode.” He bluffed.  
“Stop stressing out, you will find food, meanwhile this won’t go to waste with her on board. You can drop us off somewhere and we won’t hurt you. Everything is fine. The universe provides.” He said kicking back.  
“The universe isn’t providing me shit!” the creature snapped. “Two weeks with just a 5 day ration pack, and my navigation went offline so I can’t even find a planet with food. I find one ship and they don’t have food either. And I don’t even know how to use the showers!!!” he yelled, kicking the crate again.  
“Why don’t you know how to use the showers on your own ship?” he asked.  
“Because this isn’t my ship!! I was a janitor on a 5-man crew. Me, 3 bounty hunters and a cook. I was hoping to get my warrior roots and experience and become a bounty hunter too but the first bounty we found tricked us. I got suited up to help them and next thing I know they flew away and left me on this old prisoner transport shuttle. I don’t even know how to fly this thing, I just yelled at the voice control till it started moving. I’m gonna die in here.” He said slumping.  
“Most navigation’s are voice activated.” Pointed out William.  
“It’s a Bongo brand Galaxy Positioning Satellite navigator and the language has been stuck on Dyrellian. I can’t speak Dyrellian and my communicator doesn’t have the right adapter to charge. You’d think they would all use the same adapter but no, 47 different plugs and mine is an older operating system.” the bunny complained.  
“Did you try hitting it really hard, sometimes that works? Maybe turn the GPS off and back on again.” He suggested.  
“What good is turning it off…” he said switching it off dramatically. “And right back on again?” he finished, flipping it on dramatically. The light turned green.  
“Welcome to Bongo, please select your planetary language.” said a pleasant female voice.  
"GGGGHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!” screamed the alien, smacking its face into the screen and dropping to his knees in frustration.  
“I wouldn’t touch the screen with my face, you never know who else has used it and some species have their genitals on their face…I’m just saying you could get beard-ball-lice.” William whispered to Uka.  
“Two weeks…I could have caught up to the other bounty hunters…all I had to do was flip the switch back and forth. Now I’m gonna die because I drifted out of the trade rout-range and I have no food and a gun that just gently blows air for NO PURPOSE WHATSOEVER!!” he said, practically melting into the floor with exhaustion.  
“We have navigation charts, we could just pool resources and go. I have a nav system but it hasn’t been updated in forever. A hundred credits a year for updates…it’s just robbery. I could have paid 400 for lifetime updates but who has that just in their pocket to blow on navigational charts?” he scoffed as if giving pearls of wisdom.  
“You’re right…were saved. We can just take my stuff to your ship and tow this Junker to the next planet! I am going to live!!” it triumphantly cheered. 

His look of triumph was now a look of confusion and utter dismay.  
“Are you shitting me?” he asked, staring at the 8 foot hole in the top of the dining room section, covered only with canvas sheets and an obscene amount of green packaging tape.  
“It’s tougher than it looks.” assured William.  
“Oh really…because it looks like 15 or 20 layers of adhesive tape where the towing anchor should be. You are missing a vital section of your ship and you decided that the deadly vacuum of space was adequately separated from your fleshy body by plastic and sticky resin, less then the thickness of my pants. How are you two not dead? The radiation alone in some sectors would kill you in hours, what is insulating the ship?” he asked.  
“Well, we have been using blankets and huddling by the woodstove. I’m immune to radiation and I guess Uka was just fortunate to only be on here for a short time and in a sector with low radiation. Chafee’s are known for good luck.” He assured.  
“You are flying a ship through the least survivable conditions scientifically possible, with a condom for a roof. I could jam my paw through that if I wanted.  
“I definitely wouldn’t try that. That’s the only thing separating us from space.” reminded William Lawg, philosopher. The alien put his face in his paws and shook his head.  
“Maybe the radiation HAS accumulated in your brain.” He sighed to himself.  
“Okay, let me be perfectly clear. I am not going to be living under that for any more then the time it takes to briskly run from one sealed section to another. That is the scariest thing I have ever spent this long looking at.” He insisted.  
“Well it’s either that or in the cargo freezer that has no roof panels at all, or the engine room. They’re about the same temperature and if you close the door there is no air circulation. The ducts were re-purposed a few months ago.” William shrugged.  
“For what? What could you possibly have a need for that would be more important than ventilation in a spacecraft?” asked the alien. 

William beamed proudly as he unveiled his creation and the others sunk with a look of utter disbelief and disappointment.  
“It’s called a hot-tub.” He grinned.  
"It’s a huge bath-tub.” said the alien.  
“No, it’s a hot-tub, filled with hot water that bubbles and it re-circulates through these nozzles. A bath tub just sits there. This has massage jets and temperature control and mood lighting and it holds up to 5 humanoids…preferably 4 of them female and one of them being me.” he informed.  
“So…like a human mating chamber?” it asked.  
“Well, no not…I mean you could get in the mood and get the party started in this beast but the action would have to go elsewhere after a point. This is a re-circulating vat of fluids…it’s a good idea to keep those fluids limited to water and cleaning chemicals.” He protested.  
“So you cant mate in it…you don’t bathe in it and the water just goes back in the same tub repeatedly…you can’t drink the water because of the cleaning chemicals…what is the purpose of this device?” it asked.  
“For chilling out, relaxing. You have a good soak, let the jets ease tension and set a vibe of carefree fun. Lubricates the social setting and gets people talking and sharing.” He defended.  
“I thought your species was about ten percent alcohol by volume…how much additional relaxation is needed to have a conversation?” it said, looking unimpressed.  
“You…” he said pointing his finger. “You just, it’s a traditional thing. Earth-heritage. This bad-boy is a piece of history.”  
“It’s a piece of something for sure.” chimed Uka.  
“Wait…Earth?” asked the alien.  
“Yea. My ancestors lived there, this is a piece of Earth history preserved and made functional. Kings and presidents would sign treaties in these things. Vladimir Pudding and King Arthur probably signed the Ten Declarations of the Commandments in one of these.” He recited. “Maybe this exact one, you never know!” barked Lawg.  
“I have always wanted to study Earth history, I thought it was a myth. Didn’t its inhabitants create a black-hole underground and rip the planet it in half or something.”  
“Yea, but that’s a different…don’t worry about it.” he waved.  
"It makes sense now that the same species that decided to build a planet killing device inside their own planet would decide to replace an inch thick steel and carbon fiber panel with tape. I think I understand why they died now.” he said solemnly.  
“Hey, humans were adventurous and brave. No, we didn’t always think things out but we took risks and we bravely explored the unknown!” he protested further.  
“Kinda like isolating the most destructive particles in existence and shooting them into one another at the speed of light in a big tube right under one of their populated cities? Did you even have a backup planet terraformed yet in case it went the way it went?” he asked.  
“No, I think the space program was already scrapped by then.” William said looking ashamed.  
“Well, at last you saved one ship full of ancient artifacts.” He said with a grim sadness.  
“There is a lot more of this, I just don’t have the funding or the materials to gather my museum together.” He nodded with a slight wink to hint.  
“We can pool our resources and turn the ship into a mobile museum; you can have my ship for materials. This is great. We can park on top of the missing roof and use it as a docking bay for small ships” said the alien, extending a paw to shake.  
“UrMarlmertader.” It said. William looked over at Uka for translation.  
“I think I may have suffered a minor eardrum rupture.” He said trying to pop his jaw.  
“It’s my name.” he added.  
“How about just Marley for short?” he suggested.  
“Okay, but I get to call you Lawg.” He insisted. They shook on it and as a friendship was being forged in the fires of ignorance and frivolousity, Uka’s feeling of imminent doom was returning and now she believed her life would end not in the presents of one moron…but two of a kind. 

A rather adorable yawn sprawled over the face of our alien friend as they worked diligently to get the ship working. Captain Lawg was prepared for this sort of incident. With a few pipes and some hazardous welds, it almost looked stable. It took them 28 cans of flex-spray to fill the gaps of the two ships together with a nice screen-door-boat type seal, just like the energetic man in the commercial showed. A good bit of cargo canvas and some more Survival Green tape and the drafty soft-top canopy was stronger than ever. Marley was a hell of a welder for something furry and flammable, possibly the worst profession to have next to scavenging Earth-debris in a ship designed to keep cargo cold in space with a roof the equivalent of an umbrella, and questionable everything else. They sat down for a break and Uka decided to get some sleep while the others tinkered on the death-ship. Marley munched on a home-made marshmallow and admired his work.  
“You know…we may survive this.” He noted.  
“Of course we will. You’re flying with the Lawg-man. Nothing flies like a Lawg. Oh I’ve been meaning to ask you…what the hell are you anyway, some kind of space bunny?” he said tossing aside his scraped cracker remains.  
“The hell is a bunny?” he asked, scrunching his nose with his paw. “I’m a Delmarian.” He shrugged. William jumped a little.  
“You mean the thing everyone is terrified of? But your not remotely intimidating…are you a kid or something?” he asked.  
“A kid? I’m fifteen years old, almost middle age. I have a wife back home.”  
“She cute?” asked Lawg.  
“Nope.” He said without hesitation. “Why do you think I took a bounty job with my cousin Ferbis? I never fit in on my world. Delmarians are known for being warriors, we took over the Kneebler Empire in 6 cycles. But I’m not a fighter, I’d rather read and tinker.” He admitted.  
“Aren’t Delmarians supposed to have genitals on their face. I heard that somewhere recently.” William muttered.  
“Seriously? Why does everyone get that wrong? Do I look like I have genitals on my face? They’re TENTACLES not TESTICLES!! Why does everyone think these are scrotal bits? They’re sensory glands for picking up bio-electric activity.”  
“Geese, sorry. Didn’t mean to trigger the wrath of space-bunny. So what are those things on your head?” he asked.  
“Ears…everybody has ears.” He snipped.  
“Not everyone has 2 sets, and I mean the bumps in front of them.” he corrected.  
“Oh the stumps…right. Delmarians have antlers. Most of us trim them for space travel…makes getting on a helmet impossible otherwise.” He said sniffing the air. His ears stood up straight and parted to reveal a membrane between the sets. They quivered like he was picking up something.  
“What is that music?” he asked hearing the Ice-cream jingle.  
“Proximity alarm, we must be close to the debris field. I have the light speed drive set to favorites so it tells us when we arrived” William said, rushing to the front of the ship and hopping over the door of his convertible Fusion. He shifted into viewer-mode and began scanning for useful bits.  
“Amazing, so this is the Earth Debris.” Marley said, hopping into the passenger side and buckling up.  
“Location is a secret between the two of us historians.” He nodded.  
“Doesn’t your mate know too?” he asked.  
“My mate…the girl?” he asked.  
“I assumed she was. You look similar and are traveling together, alone. Plus you seem to hate each other. I can’t think of another good reason she would endanger herself in this ship if she isn’t a scavenger and she is your mate.”  
“We’re not even the same species.” William said looking slightly offended.  
“You humanoids all look alike to me. What is that thing?” he asked.  
“Part of an old apple store, not a fan of apples myself, they get freezerburnt and go bitter. Nothing valuable. Watch for frozen birds, they get stuck in the turbine and wreak havoc on your blades. At least they don’t attack you. I found part of a video file some time ago with some early humans firing frozen chickens into windshields. Apparently chickens were prone to attacking and penetrating your front glass. It must have been a real problem.” He noted.  
“That’s terrifying.” Marley said looking adorably mortified.  
“Yea, they just fly right at you and tear through the hull, engines, cockpit. The audio was ruined but the video was rather clear. Chickens were a serious threat to early space-travel vehicles. I’m sure they can’t get through a more modern craft, that front glass is 2 inches thick.” He assured, dodging a small rock.  
“Yes, such a formidable beast would never think to aim for the flapping tape circle on top that ironically resembles a target.”  
“Don’t worry about it. Hey, here we go. You wanted food...forget the ration packs…I present to you the jackpot of debris.” He said veering towards a semi-trailer spinning adrift with a big red and white logo. He fired the grappling hook and began bracing. There was a hefty thud and they were locked in. footsteps approached softy, yet angrily.  
“What the Shit, Lawg?! You can’t warn me before you go ramming something?” said an angry Uka with her blue bed-hair frizzed.  
“Sorry, forgot you were sleeping. We found something good.” He said carefully manipulating the grappling arm to guide the debris chunks to the new cargo-bay. 

They stood in the cargo bay.  
“See? Gold-mine.” He said standing proudly with his foot on a pair of mangled vending machine.  
“So these metal crates have food in them?” asked Uka.  
“This one has liquids, the other has solid rations. They’re sealed pretty tight so most of the cans and packages are preserved.” He said as he pried the front off and with a tail-wiggle, Marley snagged the first can that fell out and began trying to bite it open.  
“Pull tab on top open the cans.” said William. There was a faint click and then a deep concussive detonation, bouncing Marley off the side wall and droplets of soda rained down on them.  
“Yea you gotta tap them for a minute while they warm up. The vacuum of space does weird shit to carbonated stuff. You wouldn’t think bubbles would pack that kind of force but, well, there you have it.” he casually said tapping the top of his can as Marley just laid there, sprawled out like a rag doll.  
“What is this stuff?” asked Uka.  
“Human Soda. Mostly sugar and caffeine, perfect chasers and packed with essential calories. The Cocaine Company developed it for a mixer in the early 1700’s. Very hard to get this stuff anywhere but the debris field is just loaded with them. As Captain, I call dibs on the red ones. Everything else is fair scavenge. He said grabbing a red can and putting it under his arm to warm. He walked to the nearby cabinet and dug around for a bottle of Cuban rum. He opened it and gave the can a few taps before slowly cracking it.  
“Best drink ever invented: Rum and Cola. They called this a Chupacabra.” He said proudly getting the mix just right and sipping it gently, noticing Marley still lying prone and his foot twitching.  
“Is he dead?” she asked.  
“Nah, he’s fine. Delmarians are tougher than they look.” He muttered, strolling to the closet to store his prizes.  
“Don’t they usually move a little bit?” she asked.  
“I dunno…I’m a historical scavenger not an alien medic. Try lightly kicking his chintacles.” He suggested.  
“Aren’t those genitalia?” she asked.  
“Nope, common mistake. Those are electronic scenting glands or something.”  
“That can’t be accurate.” She doubted, lightly poking him with her shoe. He groaned and opened his eyes.  
“Nope. He is alive.” she smiled.  
“Damn right I am!” he wheezed. “And you better not be thinking about eating me, even if I was dead. You carnivores are disgusting.” Marley yelled.  
“You just said Delmarians are warriors and you massacred the Kepler Empire or something.” William said enjoying his Cuban Libra, or whatever.  
“War is hell, man. A lot of people die, but eating the bodies is a totally different low.” He said snatching the soda from William, who opened it as he was preaching and handed it his direction. He swigged it down and let out a belch.  
“That is actually pretty good.” He admitted just before the lights went out. There was silence in the darkness as a sudden and quiet chuckle filled the cargo bay.  
“You guys can’t see in the dark can you?” asked Marley.  
“Come on, man. Don’t be a furry little dick, turn the light back on.” insisted William. The sound of furry feet patting away proceeded the awkward silence.  
“Blow me up with a beverage and then ask me to turn the lights back on.” He muttered leaving the cargo bay with his drink.  
“So…you like the soda?” he asked the darkness.  
“You set the kitchen light alarm to switch to the red lights that you forgot to replace… didn’t you?” Uka asked in the blackness, cracking open a soda.  
“Yep…Chupacabra?” he asked, holding out the bottle in whatever direction he assumed she was.  
“I hate you.” she muttered.


	2. Episode 2: Shit Happens

"Lawg Vlog number 2. I have been documenting my adventures for future generations of explorers in case some day I discover that I am not immortal. I mean, I might be, this is space so anything is possible and I should have probably died by now from any number of insane situations I’ve been exposed to. The point is I’m probably immortal, but in case I’m not I want the Lawg legacy to continue. Now that I think about it…I probably have kids already. Damn I should really look into that. If they exist, they would be half me and that’s still pretty awesome. Maybe somewhere there is a really awesome kid of mine, like still young enough to follow in my boot-prints but not young enough to need supervision all the time. Definitely a boy, women are too much hassle. Oh damn…then I would have future competition. If he's anything like me, by the time he's 18 he would be a regular poon prowler. I’d have to start installing doors and that would really limit my privacy options. Ugh, screw that, no kids, nevermind. I’ll just have to live forever like I’ve been doing so far. I mean it's working fine so why change things? Which reminds me, we need to find a space port at some point for fuel and poon. Maybe some milk too, I found some cereal I’ve been dying to try but apparently you need milk. Whatever. Log out.” he said closing his video tab and noticing a 4 foot bunny in the reflection, waiting patiently.  
“We got a problem, we’re really in deep shit Lawg.” He muttered.   
“What kind of problem?”  
“Deep shit.” He repeated.   
“I mean specifically what kind of problem, I get that it’s serious.” He said frustrated. Marley blinked silently and sighed.   
"You need to see this."

Lawg stood with a look of terror and disgust on his face, staring down at the most horrifying thing he ever saw.   
“The toilets are broken. We are 6 days from the next station and the crapper isn’t letting go.” said Marley.   
“I can see that…ugh geese, what did you eat that resulted in that?” he said shutting the door.   
“Hey, that isn’t just mine, you guys have baked some loafs of your own. You carnivores are particularly disgusting. I only take credit for the discreet little pebblettes in that desecration of food long lost.” he defended.   
“Okay, I get it. Why is there numerous deuces adding up to one big sum in the toilet? I know I have been flushing and that accumulation is at least 7 days of 2s. That’s 14!” He objected. Marley pulled out a pocket scanner and ran a laser over the pipes.   
“Yea just what I thought…the pipes run under the gravity plating. It’s a bad design. It works for a while but with too much use, it corrodes the plating at the tailpipe and it causes zero-G cloggage. The debris starts floating and attracting to the pipe. It’s a real issue in the older ships. Whatever idiot put these pipes in should be slapped.” He noted.   
“Hey, it was a short-range cruiser. It was only designed to transport frozen food for 12 hour runs. You don’t get many runs in those runs, all the waste just went into a tank and it had to be removed and dumped after every mission. The Captain doesn’t do routine poop shuffles, so I just ran the pipe to the rear of the ship and put a dump valve on it. Eliminated the work, dump the dumps.” Log grinned proudly.   
“You also didn’t use stainless pipe. The gravitanium coating on the septic tank was what kept things flowing. Now you have a straight pipe in line with the gravity plane and corrosive metal for the last 40 feet of pipe. It’s a wonder we have had full gravitational backslosh by now.” he said pointing to numbers on his scanner.   
“When the hell did you get all smart?” he asked.   
“I’ve always been smart.” Marley pointed out.   
“You didn’t know to re-boot the GPS on that bounty ship when we found you.”   
“First of all Lawg, I was scared and alone and I hadn’t eaten for days or slept in 30 hours, I didn’t have my universal scanner, and I nearly died of alcohol poisoning, so just drop it Lawg.” He argued.   
“Okay, so the shitter is broke. Cant we just remove the pipe and let it vent naturally?”   
“You’d think since space is a vacuum and all but no. It’s very technical. We don’t want any of that getting pulled back in the aspirators. You could ruin the engines and then we die in space without a working shitter.” He explained.   
“Yea that’s bad. Can't we just wrap the bowl in plastic wrap and use the other bathroom till we reach the station?” he suggested.   
“It’s the plumbing, not the actual toilet, so it affects both of them you chimp!” he said kicking air, rather angrily.   
“Hey calm, down little buddy, we have enough plastic wrap for both. We can just use the food containers when were done and then blow it out the airlock.”  
“That’s seriously your solution? Just pile the essential airlock we walk through to get to the cargo bay, with little cans of poop and then occasionally subject it to a sudden pressure difference that wastes air and covers the airlock doors in poop?”   
“It’s an airlock, you pump the air out of the room first so it just gently floats away." he explained  
“Okay…not only is the airlock on the side of the ship, the only one because you turned the upper rear airlock into a convertible…and not only is the oxygen very precious in a spaceship, but the whole reason the airlock functions at all I because it pumps the air back into the collectors. Do you know what happens to a gallon of poop when you pull a vacuum and pump the fumes back into the ship repeatedly for 6 days? Because I don’t know what it would do but it sounds really bad doesn’t it?”   
“Yea I guess it wouldn’t be a good idea. So what do you suggest?”   
“We do an EVA spacewalk and pump the system. It’s a simple concept and in theory would take a half-hour or so. We have all the tools.” suggested Marley.  
“Since you know damn good and well we don’t have an EVA suit that would fit you, I assume you are assuming you are exempt from this mission.” He said squinting suspiciously.   
“Hey, I can't help it if they don’t make EVA suits on humanoid ships designed to fit Delmarian anatomy.” he grinned.  
“Captains don’t plumb, it's against the plumber's union code.” He reminded proudly.   
“Well you did the plumbing that created this mess but what do I know…besides…you have a subordinate who would fit a humanoid suit.” He noted. 

“I hate you guys.” said Uka, putting her boots on.   
“Hey, this is space exploration, baby. Peter Puffball here can’t fit the suits and I have to manually keep the spleefter valves in check while someone does the spacewalk.   
“There is no way that is a real thing!” she said pointing a very angry finger.   
“That is absolutely a real thing on starship plumbing lines. It takes 2 people to run back and forth and one to EVA and you don’t know the different valves in a pinch.   
“You wanna know what a Captain does in a pinch, because I’m about to pinch your head off.” she growled.   
“Okay, not to interrupt your conversation but in regards to pinches, we happen to have a clogged poop-tube that is only getting worse, so let’s maybe do this in a timely fashion without settling your lovers quarrel during the evacuation's evacuation.” said the tech-bunny, handing her a bundle of rope.   
“What is this deal?” she asked, holding up the frayed end of rope connected to the carabineer, held with Survival Green tape.   
“EVA tether. We can’t stop moving or the pipes will just dump both ways.” explained Captain Lawg. "That's Einsteins conservation of gravity!"  
“Newton's law of momentum. I get that much…why is my EVA line a piece of string with tape on it…old crusty rope the size of a shoelace.” She barked.   
“I sold some stuff a while back. Didn’t think I needed it.”  
“What could you have possibly traded for some nylon rope and a clip?”   
“Bout 20 feet of iron pipe, don’t worry, you’ll see it for yourself.” 

Uka nervously climbed the rails on the underside of the ship, tracing the pipe to its problem area. She counted the panels until she got to panel 35.   
“Doing good?” asked William with a yawn.   
“Great, just tethered to a moving ship by a piece of string, about to root the backed up crap from a week’s worth of vending machine waste. Freaking sunshine and rainbows down here.” She said squinting at something as she pried the panel off. She wiped the frost off the valve and examined the label. “Spleefter valve, really?” she grunted rhetorically.   
“Yea, you’re at the junction. Wait a second…” he said. Suddenly one of the lights flickered and “twinkle twinkle” began playing sluggishly over the alarms.   
“Oh hell. We got a problem. Uka, see if you can crawl into the panel and shut it behind you.” he suggested.   
“What?!? WHY!?!” she barked.   
“We have company…you need to hide now.” he said.   
“If this is a prank I will literally asphyxiate you with this shit-pipe until you die.”   
“Not a joke, into the crawlspace with you. Watch for sharp things, your EVA suit is pretty old.” he suggested  
“You don’t have one descent EVA suit?” she asked. He turned off the coms. As she crawled into the panel opening he shrugged to Marley.  
“I mean…there is my suit, but its got “Captain” in big letters on it. I’m not letting her wear the captain suit.” He muttered to Marley as if it was obviously justified. The com system changed to the hailing channel.   
“This is Captain Crayta of the starship Deathmaggot. You have something that belongs to us.” said a deep menacing voice.   
“This is Captain Lawg of the…spacefleet gunship supreme…Disembowlinator. Whatever we have that may belong to you…I’m sure we can return it and it was probably just a misunderstanding.” He said calmly. "Let me just turn the gigantic guns a little so we can talk." he bluffed.  
“You have my shuttle pod, and I believe your ship says “Tast-E-Chill” on the side. Isn’t that an unarmed dairy vessel?” he snickered.  
“Damn, I was hoping he didn’t notice that.” whispered Lawg.   
“Release our shuttle and prepare to be boarded. If my cargo is intact and the damage to my shuttle is minimal, I may allow you to live.”   
“Um, there is a tiny issue with that, see the cargo is fine, but the shuttle is sort of…attached to the ship. I sort of used the floor plating to repair some holes and long story short…we can't really take it off because we won't have a roof. We need that to have atmosphere and life and whatnot.” He said looking concerned.   
“I fail to see why that is a problem for me.” replied Crayta.   
“Yea…that makes sense. Can you give us a few minutes to disconnect it while we seal off the section?” he asked.   
“You have 3 minutes, or I open fire on your ship.” He said abruptly severing communications.   
“Okay, so…any ideas?” he asked to Marley.  
“Me? You’re the Captain, aren’t you supposed to know what to do?” Marley replied.   
“Exactly, and as captain I am ordering my Chief Tech Advisor to tell me how we could potentially detour death.”   
“Um, let me think…we can’t actually seal the section because you removed the door to fit the shuttle nose…we have no weapons of any kind because this is an ice-cream truck. We can’t outrun them, we have no valuable items to barter with and we have about 2 minutes to stop an armed ship from killing us. No pressure.” He said. Suddenly his ears perked up. “That’s it…no pressure.” He said darting across the room.   
“Um, furball…we can’t depressurize the ship, that would kill us equally as dead in about the same time as the bad guys.” reminded Lawg  
“Shut up and get me a shuttle-jack, your EVA suit, and a bottle of the strongest booze you have.” He ordered.   
“Fine, but only because time is an issue and we might die. The moment we aren’t about to die you lose the right to give orders.” He said running to the hot-tub room. 

“So…it’s a bomb?” asked William.   
“Essentially yes, if the canister doesn’t hold. If it does, it’s more like artillery. Liquid oxygen and Golden Gem 195 proof in a thermos with a sensor detonator.”  
“No offense…but suicide isn’t really what I had in mind.” he said watching him tape the canister very quickly and generously.   
“It won’t kill us…ideally, like in theory it won't, if this works properly. This gravitanium pipe is tough stuff, we load the bomb in the pips, brace the valve with the jack and the shit-pipe becomes a cannon." explained Marley.   
“What are you using as the projectile?” he asked.   
“I dunno, we need something harder than dura-lite armor.” He shrugged. William took off and returned from the library with a small, silver device in his hand. With a sinister grin, he handed an old cell phone to him.  
“The hell is that?” asked Marley  
“It’s a Nokee 5 cell phone. Early primitive communication device. It still works, but these are regarded in lore as being virtually indestructible. They survived the great Franchise conflict of world war 2.”   
“Fine, give me this stupid thing.” He said shoving it in the pipe and following it with the armed bomb. He quickly screwed on the cap and fixed the jack in tightly.   
“So how do we detonate it?” asked William.   
“We don’t, we run like hell.” He said dashing out of the bathroom and jumping behind the structural support.   
“Won't their energy shielding stop it?” he asked.   
“That’s the beauty of the sensor detonator. It is set to detonate when they lower shields. They can’t fire at us until they shut the shielding off. So all we have to do is line up the ship and haul-ass. When they get mad and lower shields to fire…poof, we put one in their intake manifold. The whole ship loses power.” Marley grinned.   
“No we don’t!” hollered Uka from the communicator.   
“When did I turn the coms back on?” asked William.   
“You never turned them off you dipshit! I can hear everything. You are not setting off an explosive in the shit-pipe while I am firmly pressed against the Spleefter valve!” she hollered.   
“It is open…right?” asked Marley.   
“Yes.” She barked.   
“Then it should pass right through, unless there is heavy damage to the pipe anywhere.” He shrugged, looking at William for a comforting confirmation.”   
“There is green tape on this pipe.” She mentioned.   
“Oh no, that was just to keep it from vibrating and making noise.” Lawg said shutting off the com. “She is probably gonna die.” He said discreetly to Marley.   
“Bummer…so yea we need to make sure the pipe is lined up with the manifold.” He said heading to the cockpit with the Captain. He pressed a few buttons and looked confident.   
“Now what?” asked William.   
“We wait. I put it in autopilot and target locked the gyro to the left wing. That should line it up. Now we just gotta wait till they set it off.   
“So what do you think? This gonna work?” he asked.   
“I mean…the bomb will work, I would guarantee that part. The pipe holding is just a coin toss and weather or not a cell-phone shit-gun will be enough to penetrate the intake grill is another flip. It’s more likely that we just blow a hole in the gravity plating and get sucked into space with a few days worth of frozen poop, suffocating in our own excrement as Crewton laughs hysterically. That is probably a thing that could happen also.” He said. "OR…or…any number of other scenarios. Chafee luck, remember?"   
“Damn…I really should have banged Uka when I had the chance.” said an oddly calm William.   
“Yea no offense but why aren’t you already doing that? I mean I don’t know how attractive she is to humanoids, given my obvious biological differences, but you are kind of a horny douche-bag and even more so than most humanoids. You’re stuck on a ship together and the options are pretty slim.” Marley said bracing.   
“I mean she is smoking hot, but I don’t do relationships. If I bang her, then I can’t leave when she falls asleep…it’s my ship. And I can’t just kick her out either, we’re in the middle of nowhere and there are no habitable planets with modern technology to leave her on. Wouldn’t be right to ditch her somewhere that didn’t have stable motels or restaurants. We have no money to leave her for a space-taxi or anything. So normally yea, and now that we might die it’s an opportunity missed but I wouldn’t want that kind of tension around here and I’m not a monster who could just blow her out an airlock.”  
“That, and she might sabotage the hot-tub.” said Marley.   
“Oh damn, that would be bad. Do you know how hard it is to find a hot-tub in restorable condition floating in space?” he asked.   
“Just thought I’d let you boys know…you still didn’t turn off the coms…so thanks for the concern, I’ll be fine here straddling a faulty Spleefter valve as the ship implodes.” She said. "If the bomb blows the haul, at least I get to watch you both asphyxiate until my air runs out."  
“How exactly do you shut off the coms?” Lawg asked curiously just before the ship shuttered with an explosion and everyone went silent, waiting for the hiss of leaking hull panels or the sound of…like, death or whatever. Lawg waited for a good minute before realizing the ship didn’t explode. 

“Uka…you dead?” asked William.   
“No you asshole, I’m fine!” she barked over the static. They checked the panels.   
“Minor damage to the rear exhaust port, electrical fuses lost over the lower deck but nothing critical.” reported Marley.   
“NNNNNOOOOO00000000OOOOOOOooooooooooo!!!!!!” bellowed the Captain as he dropped to his knees and let the communicator fall slowly from his hand and roll away as he froze in a pose of despair and defeat.   
“What? Did the shit-cannon miss? Are we going to die?” asked Marley.   
“The hot-tub…it’s broken and covered in shit. It’s all gone.” He said almost weeping. “I forgot to close the drain valve before we set the bomb off.” he said slumping to a seated ball of pain and loss.   
“Who cares? I mean yea it’s a bummer but we are alive, look, the phone went clear through the intake system, they’re drifting, we won. We live and celebrate and cheer falalala.” said Marley  
“It doesn’t matter…I’m nothing without my hot-tub. I’m just a washed-up middle-aged loser with no hoes and no hut-tub to lure in hoes. No hot-tub to party with them. That hot tub was my greatest weapon in the fight against poon-deprivation sickness. Now I have nothing and it’s covered with shit…some of it my own shit.” He wept aloud.   
“First of all, I'm positive that is not a real disease, secondly we can probably fix the tub, thirdly…most of the solids are Uka’s cuz you sustain almost entirely off boozy liquids, and lastly…have you actually scored a single time directly as a result of the hot-tub or is that just theoretical? Because I fail to see why a plastic bowl of hot circulating chemical-water would make much difference.” He pointed out.   
“You can’t fix it…they don’t make the parts anymore and asbestos fiberglass is banned in 34 sectors. I’ll never find another one, the odds are impossible.”   
“Cant you just make one? Spray the bed of that crate you have in the garage in flex foam, that crap can make a screen door boat! Surely if it can keep water out, it can keep water in. How difficult is it to make a circulator pump and seal a big metal box. You are way over thinking this Lawg." he suggested.  
“No, it’s not the same. Sure I could build another one but it won’t have the history, the nostalgia of Earth history soaked into every inch of the asbestos resin. It won’t have the worn spots where dozens of fine alien asses have been, so many memories and so much chill has been imbedded into that plastic over time, and now it’s soaking in a solution of vodka-shit and the love is all gone. It won’t ever be the same now, even if I fixed it, I would know what it has been through. I would know. I WOULD KNOW!” He said dragging his feet and shuffling to his room.   
“Um…so who is gonna clean this mess?” he asked. Uka came stomping out of the maintenance room, looking exhausted from her crawl through the panels to get back in the ship. She grabbed a lever on the wall and yanked it. The door creaked shut and the airlock vented, blowing out the tub parts and the unmentionable desecration.   
“Oh right…the airlock thing. Did it get all the shit?” asked Marley. She tossed her helmet down and glared angrily.   
“No, I think I missed the biggest chunk; it walked to its room before I could shut the door." she said, trudging away.   
“Hey…weren’t you in the de-pressurized crawlspace just now…how did you get up through the hatch without decompressing the entire ship?” he asked.   
“Don’t worry about it. The universe provides, remember?” she sarcastically growled, heading to the shower.   
“Oh, you may wanna take a sponge with you. We didn’t have time to shut off the drain valve to the showers either, so it’s probably in a bad way as well.” He informed, meriting a high pitch scream of rage and frustration that permeated the halls.   
“I mean…I thought it was a descent day. The ship survived.” He muttered to himself. “Oh hey…I bet the toilet flushes now" he said rushing to the toilet and flushing it. "Neat.” He grinned.


	3. Episode 3: Delta Station

“Awe man, you were right…this hot-tub is amazing. Totally worth the work.” said a very relaxed space-bunny, melting into the jets, like butter.   
“I told you, it’s an essential part of the William Lawg Experience.”   
“I don’t know about that deal but it’s absolutely great at removing stress in your upper-back. You do know there is no way I’m sleeping with you, right?” asked Marley.   
“Dude…not even cool. This is just a bro-soak, why do you think I enforced the trunks-on policy.” He said looking offended.   
“Just clarifying. I mean you do kinda owe me free use of it since I did find the damn thing for you after you ruined the other one.” He said stretching his arms.   
“Yea what are the odds of finding another hot tub in mint condition like 4 days after the other one got destroyed. Chafee’s are naturally lucky, but still…what are the odds?” Lawg yawned, sipping his cola.   
“Apparently 1…because we found it. Odds don’t really mean anything after the fact because it’s already absolute. There is zero in zero chance we wouldn’t find it now, because it’s already here. Whatever the odds were, it was that number over itself and anything over itself is 1.” Marley yawned back.   
“Heavy…real heavy. Maybe too heavy for a christening soak in a new tub, but suit yourself. Just wait…with the new tub and a larger capacity…there is gonna be a line of babes just waiting to party with the Lawgmeister.” He smiled.   
“That’s a brand of liquor, you can't claim that name without owing money to someone.” he noted.   
“No that’s Jagger Meister, An alcoholic energy drink invented by the singer of a rock band in the late 1950’s, Jefferson Airsmith.”   
“How do you know all this Earth history?” he asked. "Public archives are so empty when you look up Earth."   
“I read a lot…mostly just labels and old facetube videos. The audio has degraded but you can piece it together if you have some detective skills and a lot of free time.   
“If the Earth exploded…wouldn’t the videos be destroyed?” he asked. ‘  
“Naw, man…the internet is data. Data can’t be created or destroyed, that’s basic science, Stephan Hawkeye invented that. I think Jeb Gore invented the internet before he became Vice-President of Earth. Anyway it’s out there…you just gotta find a good signal. Some of the old Starbase Coffee houses still have active Wifi that hasn’t fully drained out yet. Gotta get it while it's there, I don’t know where else find Wifi outside the debris field where the earth used to be. I don’t even know what Wifi is or how to collect it. I just flew through the dust cloud one time and my GPS got a signal and opened it. Turns out the Password is “Password”, same as my old safe Password back before I sold the roof of the SS Tast-E-Chill for fuel money... or something else…food maybe.  
“That reminds me…we really should replace that panel some day.” said Marley.   
“Why? We added enough tape to the canvas last time that it stopped leaking entirely. The second tarp seemed to insulate it so it doesn’t get cold anymore.” He said tossing Marley a can of Mountain mist.   
“Yea, technically the trapped air between the tarps and the umbrella is insulating it, but that’s not a permanent solution. Maybe when we dock at the next spaceport or stop at a Quiky-Proton we can see if they have a panel kit.” Marley pushed.  
“Sure…if we have time.” he said looking around.   
“That reminds me…” Marley noted. “What exactly does this ship run off of?” he asked.   
“I’m not sure… I usually just fill it with omnifuel. Seems to work fine.”  
“When in doubt…omnifuel.” toasted Marley. “Regular or unleaded?”   
“Regular only…if you put unleaded in this thing it just chugs and knocks. You’d think they would have solved that problem by now but you know how R and D is in this quadrant.” He shrugged.   
“Lazy omnifuel scientists. Big omnifuel just uses that to charge more when the “unleaded plants” catch fire. Marketing monopoly. Only reason they charge 500 credits a gallon” he said scratching his floppy ears.   
“No joke.” He said raising a glass. “That’s why I unscrewed the Fragulation regulator. It's just there to reduce efficiency.” He scoffed.   
“I mean yea, it reduced efficiency but doesn’t it also prevent Thelma radiation in the exhaust emittions?” asked Marley.   
“I dunno. I just know I’m not dying stranded in space over a little bit of Thelma radiation. They say it causes the universe to get warmer but let’s be honest…it's pretty cold right now so it could use a little universal warming.” preached Lawg.   
“It’s a myth anyway.” yawned Marley   
“You only live once…even if it is forever.” He toasted.   
“I…don’t know what that means or if I agree to that but this hot tub must makes me not care about anything but re-fills and hot-tub.” He said slouching further down.   
“Just keep your furry feet on your side, it’s a big tub but I have my rules.” He said as Uka crossed her arms and stood behind him.   
“Has his Majesty sufficiently pruned himself, or should I come back later with those scans I spent all night doing?” she asked.   
“I told you I’d do them eventually. We don’t have to have them until we reach Delta Station." he said adding more rum to his soda.   
“We have been orbiting Delta Station for 45 minutes.” She informed.  
“I know…we didn’t have the papers done so I couldn’t land.” He yawned.   
“We do need to re-supply at some point and if we run out of fuel, the fact that we are literally a kilometer from a gas station doesn’t actually help us if we don’t ever dock. We are hauling illegal cargo, so paperwork would be good to have if they ask…hence why I spent all night doing them…so we can dock and get fuel.” She explained.   
“So what’s the problem? We got credits and papers and we’re at Delta Station, I fail to see the issue. The problem resolved itself.” Lawg shrugged.  
“No the problem was resolved by me, because I would like to dock so we can fix the huge hole in the roof and maybe just stretch our legs a bit. I’m cooped up in there with you two dorks and I would like to see something other then the inside of this ship for a day or two.” She said storming off to the cockpit. Lawg scoffed.   
“Women…I don’t know why she is so upset all the time. Must be the rabies and the testosterone women produce.” Yawned William  
“Yea totally…I mean it’s actually estrogen, and rabies is a myth. Also, you did kinda stick her with 4 pages of transport pages to fake but yea…I get the idea. Women are weird.” He said letting the point drift lethargically over William’s inch-thick skull.   
“Well, she doesn’t do much on this ship. You do all the tech stuff and I do the Captaining, like providing leadership and mixed drinks, all she does is a little cleaning and some falsifying documents, sometimes cooking and that time with the toilet clog but mostly just slouching around being mad. Why can't she be like me, slouching around and being happy? Maybe she needs to get laid. Hopefully there is a guy on Delta Station who meets her standards. Do they even have boy-whores? Obviously he needs to be slightly less good looking than me or she might not come back but, I dunno, there has to be a few 9’s down there with a hearing deficiency or shallow motivations.”   
“What did she do before you accidentally abducted her?” asked Marley, stepping out and drying off.   
“I don’t know…never asked. Bartender maybe…or was that someone else? No I think bartender. I remember her serving me the worst drinks. Probably why she doesn’t do it on the ship. That place was a dump; I may have done her a favor.” He shrugged off, grabbing a towel with the word CAPTAIN written on with marker.   
“So where did you take her from, was it recently?” he asked.   
“Right before I met you actually. Good fortune because I just lost my other crew and had to get away quick. My last onboard lady left me for a guy who owned a pawn shop, so I was a crew-woman short that day. I don’t remember what planet that was, I was pretty sober.” He smirked.   
“You don’t even know what planet your girlfriend was from? Do you even know what species Uka is?” he asked.   
“Of course I know where my EX-girlfriend was from, Bahooka 3, I just don’t remember the planet I left her on after she left me for a store owner and robbed me blind. And Uka…she is one of those people from that one planet…maybe a slave girl, I don’t know. Point is: mistakes were made and people got cheated and some of it was my fault and some of it was not and now she is here and it worked out somehow. Everything works out if you-”  
“Go with the flow and let the universe provide, I know…do you know what the stardate is today, can you even tell me that?” he asked.   
“Who cares, we live in space! There is no day and night, the lights work regardless of the time and we have nowhere to be on any specific day. Days and time is all just stuff we made up to have boundaries to conform to, keep the man down and working between the lines.” Lawg said squinting paranoidishly.   
“Pretty sure it was invented by how planets move. Also helps to regulate sleep and monitor crops and keep from starving in winter and stuff but yea, sure, mostly to keep the man under the line and stuff. Here is a weird thought…maybe Uka is always pissed because you abducted her and still have no idea what species she is…let alone her last name or how her day was. I mean you talk to her a lot about trivia and historical things, and what needs fixed on the ship and all but do you ever just talk WITH her?” he asked.   
“No…like just have a conversation? Why would I do that?” he asked.   
“You talk to me, we’re talking right now…why is that so different?”   
“That’s a good point. I guess I assumed she wouldn’t want to hang out like one of the guys and after I decided sleeping with her is off the table I didn’t have a reason to try.” He shrugged.   
“You mean after you blew your chance with the whole poop-cannon incident?” he added.   
“No, like when I realized I couldn’t sneak out and fly away after the sex because we’re already on my ship. I made that mistake once.” He said shaking his head.   
“How did that go?” he asked as they got into the teleporter.   
“She got clingy, tried to chain me down like an animal and the Lawg-man needs to fly unfettered and free like a majestic pterodactyl. I'm too free to sit still, I gotta float with the current.” He said dramatically squinting upward.   
“Yep, nothing floats like a Lawg.” He yawned.   
“Plus my ex drugged me, ran off with a 2 headed, 4 armed alien and tricked me into pawning my roof, so that didn’t set well with me. You gotta draw the line, Marley…man needs hoes and crew but when they overlap…things get complicated.”  
“Yea it’s probably better of you stuck to fuel-station space-hookers and refused to connect emotionally to anyone, the single and smart one who stays for some reason, and is apparently very attractive is best kept just as a janitor and crew grunt. Good solid game-plan.” Marley said looking around.   
“Thanks…but I didn’t get this wise overnight, it took mistakes and time, I nearly lost a toe and the nightmares come a knocking now and then. Don’t worry little buddy, you’ll learn life experience. I know your only 15 but you’re already book-smart and some of my street-smarts will wear off on you. Some day you might be a better Captain than I am.” he beamed proudly.   
“One can only hope, sir…why are we not teleporting, we’ve been standing here like 2 minutes.” He noted.   
“These old ships take a while to recharge after someone transports. You’d be amazed how power-heavy these things are but they take less space than a shuttle pod.”   
“Not when you factor the batteries and the extra fuel consumption tank.” He muttered   
“What?”  
“Nothing.” He said dryly as they began to sparkle and disappeared. 

Captain Lawg walked briskly, hoping to outrun the chatty little buddy that was talking nonstop since they reformed.   
“You realize that a teleporter is just a clone/murder machine that works on the assumption that everything will come out correctly. You get ground up into photons and essentially dead, and it just prints another you somewhere else from the light-pulp.” he finished, looking up at William as they dodged the people passing by.   
“Naw, it’s not that complicated. I come out exactly the same every time and I’ve used it hundreds of times.” He assured "No side effects."   
“Yea but they’ve only been functionally used on the pubic for what…30 years? It doesn’t take much of a glitch to print you out inside-out and then you explode, or missing an ear and that’s it…everything that is you is now missing an ear forever, cant sew it back, it's just light now. It just seems super risky and philosophically disturbing. And the amount of raw data…geese.” Marley huffed.  
“So what? Elevators and shuttles can malfunction and kill you too. You can’t worry about the details all the time. You get in, and you go somewhere, simple at that. You worry too much.” muttered Lawg.  
“About being shredded and re-assembled a hundred times, yea I do. We should get a shuttle pod, or at least figure out a way of landing the Tast-E-Chill. The only shuttle pod we have is half the size of the ship and permanently glued on as a replacement roof.”   
“It’s a double-decker, twice the room for the museum. The old Freezies were never designed to land, you build them in space and they go back and forth exclusively to space stations that have zero-G docks. And when they break down you let em drift. Hell, they didn’t even design them to go a million miles; we’re already double the lifespan of its intentions. You know the B-deck is mostly supported by cardboard.” He noted.   
“Cardboard?!” asked Marley   
“Yea, they found a way of making it stiffer and started making skateboards and surfboards. Some company started making cardboard guitars that played great for like 3 weeks, which was fine for the bands that kept smashing them on stage anyway, most bands were tone deaf by 2018. One day they decided it was light and cheap enough to make spaceships out of. The first prototypes didn’t go so well, the ice-cream would sweat and the cardboard would get damp and just, POP, the ship would fly apart. So, they stopped making the structural parts and the hull out of it, but some of our ship has the original cardboard interior bits.” he grinned.   
“Why do I keep flying with you” he asked.   
“Well, the history for one, you share my love for the old and classic Earth memorabilia, and the perks of having the luckiest species in existence Captaining the ship.” He bragged.   
“Yea you do have insane luck. Remember last week when those freighters at the fuel station thought we were one of the new garbage haulers and they filled the cargo bay with garbage? We made a killing on the tritium scrap value alone, plus that exact lightbulb you lost for the turn signal…good times.” Marley nodded.  
“Uka kept trying to tell me it was the actual same light and I just forgot it in the cargo bay. It’s like she doesn’t believe in good things.” He said veering off path and spotting a very flashy neon bar sign.   
“Alright little buddy, this is my stop.” He said wandering off. Get the list supplies and meet me here in an hour.   
"I thought we were both picking up essentials?"   
"We are, just from different stores, leave me to what I gather best." he beamed, veering into the bar.   
"Booze…how unpredictable." Marley muttered.  
"And get something called milk!"

“Awe, he’s so adorable.” Swooned one of the 4 various colored bimbos huddled around Captain Lawg as he held up a picture of Marley that he cut from his drivers license without him knowing.   
“Yea, poor thing was starving, abandoned and alone. Only fifteen years old, no family. Of course I had to help him. He is like a furry little son to me now.” he said letting out a deep sigh.   
“It’s too bad you can only stay a few days, I'd love to meet him.” said the blonde.   
“Well, we have lots of work to do but I could make time for some of you to meet him, he works so hard…we both do, we can take a few hours off and really get to try out the new hot-tub.” He grinned.   
“What’s a hut tub?” asked the violet-head.   
“Like a regular tub but with heat. It’s part of my ancestral heritage. It was tradition to have a small recreational pool with various relaxation jets and mood lighting to help ease the aching bones of hard laboring men and their companions. This one is nearly 200 years old and may have been used by the President of Earth at one time. It normally seats about 4, but you ladies are petite enough to cram, 8, maybe 9 if you don’t mind stacking.” He said. Two of them rolled their eyes ad left, another joined in.   
“So, I could give you the tour if you have the time.” he insisted.   
“I can’t, I have to catch the bus to Beta Station in the morning.”   
“It’s fine, we happen to be heading that way already, so I can give you a lift there if you need to crash.” He insisted.   
“You’re too sweet.” She swooned  
“Yea, I kinda am a little bit.” He beamed. 

Captain Lawg spotted Uka and diverted long enough to throw his arm over her shoulder. She looked shocked and confused.   
“There you are, can you please proceed to the ship and get it ready for takeoff, no hurry, our precious cargo isn’t going anywhere in the next hour.” he winked, handing her the keys as she watched him make a small scene with his groupies hooting and hollering. She looked at the keys and shrugged, heading to the transport pad and transporting to the ship. She checked the docking number and gave a slight sinister grin.   
Uka sat in the cockpit, slowly looking things over and making educated guesses as to what levers to pull. She spent a good 20 minutes making adjustments and turning things on and back off again. She jumped slightly at the sound of someone opening the side hatch. The sound was unmistakably that of Captain Lawg and Marley with the addition of the giggling fem-squad. 

“Hey, Uka. Come join us, we’re having fun.” He hollered at her  
“No thanks, I need to check the cargo.”   
“No, no, no, it’s cool. Get in the tub, we can scotch, and make room, it’s not weird because there are plenty of floosies between us guys, so cramming isn’t a problem anymore.” He slurred a bit.   
“How many of these things have you had?” she asked, kicking a soda can.   
“I haven’t…I maybe like 2 but most of these are everybody’s else’s cans. Two tops, and like the remainder of this one…which I guess is just full of tub-water.” He said taking a sip and spitting it over the edge. “Yep, so like 3. also some drinks at the bar and a few burgers, fries, a shake. Maybe overdid it a lil bit. You want one?” he asked opening a can.   
“No thanks, I am cutting back. I did notice a tail-light out, so should I go fix that? I think there are fresh lights in the cargo bay.” She said.   
“You know we don’t have any lights left, they’re all stuck in the chandelier. That thing won't work unless it has all 5 lights in it. Very bad design. Jump in for a bit, we’re not in a hurry. Crack open a hot tub, and find a spot in the soda.” He cheered.  
“Sir, I have important duties and I don’t feel comfortable in a tub full of hookers.” She said politely. 

“Mkay, don’t be mean, they’re not hookers.” He corrected. A faint “I am” muttered from the group.   
“Okay this one is apparently a hooker, I was not aware of that but the others are respectable dancers and waitresseiceces and things of that nature. We’re having fun. Why don’t you ever do fun with us, you don’t have to always have to work all the time.”   
“Sir, I take my work very seriously and I will join you in a bit, just as soon as I check the cargo, can I please have the security code for the cargo hold?” she asked.   
“I got this, somebody take my hooker.” He said pushing her aside to get out, falling on his face and laughing, causing a cascade of laughter. He dried off and fell again just before reaching Uka, straightening his stance and getting serious. “Hey… come on, we can sort this out when we get moving, just hang out with us for an hour. It’ll be fun.”  
“Sir, I feel very ill, I just need to make sure the cargo is safe, please just let me settle my mind and rest a minute and I promise I will lighten up. I just need the codes.” She insisted, looking frustrated and nervous.   
“You must be feeling sick, you know nothing on this ship has a working security lock.” He joked, cracking open another soda.   
“Maybe you should just have a few more drinks for me and I’ll join you later.” She said with a pleasant smile. “Then we can all get drunk and party.” She said skipping off.   
He scratched his head and returned to the SS floosie-tub. Something felt odd.   
“Hey, did Uka seem really odd to you or am I just missing something?” asked Marley.   
“Maybe she is just stressed out. She must be overworked, she wanted security codes for the cargo bay.” He said brushing it off.   
“Um, we don’t have a security lock…we don’t even have a door handle. You didn’t find it pretty weird that she said she would get drunk with us later? Uka doesn’t drink…and she knows your half Chaffee.” He pointed out.   
“Well, maybe she just hasn’t slept well.” He yawned, rotating his floosies around the tub for verity.   
“I’m just gonna go check on her, it’s probably nothing, but if she is that out of it she doesn’t need to be lifting heavy boxes alone.” He said hopping out of the tub as the tub-bimbos pouted. He made his way to the upper deck and noticed Uka talking on a phone. The ship shuttered slightly as it began to lift off. He stepped behind the nearest crate and spied on her.   
“There has been a complication. Just shut up and listen to me. The cargo is coming to you, I can handle the crew, it’s just a bunny and some dipshit and a few skanks he brought onboard, everyone is drunk and I finally figured out the navigation panel. Just be ready at the drop-off point with a clear cargo bay and everyone you can spare to move the goods quickly. Weapons on stun, these dips seem harmless and there is no sense killing them if we don’t have to.” She said closing the phone. He made his way to the lockers and grabbed his trust leaf-blower. He took a deep breath and walked into the room casually.   
“Hey Uka…can you tell me where the nuclear, explosive, grenades are for this thing, I only have 1 tube left.” He said placing it on the crate next to him.   
“I don’t know, maybe they got buried under some supplies.   
“Well, you can’t be too sure, you know. I’m sure 8 grenades are enough for most situations but you can’t be too prepared in space. He said watching her hide her com.   
“Probably in the armory, I’ll go with you…you first.   
“What are you trying to pull Uka? You know we don’t have an armory or a security door on this damn ship. You know very well that the only working weapon is this bad boy right here and you are lying to me. Should we get the captain or can we discuss this openly right here.” He said pointing the leaf-blower.   
“Easy there little guy, your acting pretty strange.” said probably Uka.   
“I heard the call you received, that phone isn’t even ours, we use Trekphones and they are pre-paid minutes…who are you working for and what have you done with Uka?”   
“Fine…you got me, but if you heard my call then you know I have a ship and a crew bigger then yours and armed to the teeth. I can cut you in if you want, ten percent.”   
“Ten percent of what…the cargo? Given that we split everything 3 ways that doesn’t sound very good for me even if I was about to turn on my crew. Now where is Uka? I may have some trouble with a crew of armed men but one unarmed woman doesn’t pose much threat as long as I got Alice here with her safety off.” he bluffed.   
“Okay big guy…what do you want…half?” she asked.   
“You got 5 seconds to start with the details and they better be real, starting with where Uka is.” He said clicking on the killswitch and making crazy eyes.   
“Okay, okay. I don’t know who Uka is or where she is but I assume back on the station wondering where you both went. I was minding my business and Captain Morgan downstairs ran into me. He called me Uka and handed me the keys. It seemed like an easy job! I steal things, a ship full of valuable cargo was too good to pass up but your idiot captain had to come back early and now I have to improvise. I haven’t hurt anyone and I don’t wan't to. So how about you just sit back and wait. We relieve you of your cargo and part ways, nobody dies.” She said as footsteps approaches sluggishly. Captain Lawg rubbed his head, swigging down a bottle of something blue and looking slightly better then before.   
“The hell is going on up here? Turn around, we got floosies to return before we get a late fee or something.” he said looking at Marley with a confused smirk. “Why are you wielding that air-blower like a weapon?” he chuckled. Marley sighed and hung his head as Not-Uka drew a small pistol from her jacket and pointed at them.   
“Good job there Tex.” Marley said dryly.   
“Ugh, Uka…where did you get a gun and why are you pointing at us?” he asked.   
“My god you are thick.” She chucked. He looked down and pinched his belly slightly, feeling like maybe he should start working out again. “Not fat you idiot…just stupid! I’m not Uka, I am however…robbing you of your precious cargo.” She said sitting down and checking her com locator.   
“So…you work for Beverly I take it?” asked Captain Lawg.   
“No, I work for me. Open one of those crates, I wanna see what kind of payoff I just scored 40 percent of.” She ordered.   
“So you have no idea who Beverly is…and you have no idea what these crates are full of?” asked Marley. There was a moment of silence ad both of them busted out laughing.   
“What is so funny?” she asked.   
“Open a crate, go ahead.” laughed the space-bunny and his human counterpart, both nearing the point of collapse. She pried open one of them and looked shocked, pulling out a small stuffed animal of some kind.”  
“What’s in them? Drugs? Security codes, fidget spinners?” she asked.   
“Beans mostly, and some cotton. Those are Bean-pals, something that was a big deal on earth centuries ago. They’re just collectibles and nobody wants them except Beverly.” wheezed Lawg, still laughing. She never saw a Lawg roll before.  
“What do you mean? These are just dolls, worthless collectible stuffed alien dolls?!” she barked angrily, tearing one open to find nothing important. “Why would you be hauling thousands of these, and falsifying documents?!?”  
“They’re illegal as hell.” chuckled Marley, getting back up and holding back his laughter. “Some archaic superstition from a hundred years ago. The Furbians are terrified of them for some reason, but Beverly has a collection of worthless contraband items and we made a deal when we found this shipment.” He said wiping his tears.   
“Then, I’ll just take them and sell them to Beverly myself for the profit. What was the price?” she asked.   
“Six crates of guarana soda, 2 gallons of styling gel, a few cases of canned veggies and the big item: a mint condition, fully functional Float-board.” said Lawg.   
“That’s it? A bunch of junk and a floating board?” she asked.   
“Actually…it doesn’t float, the name is horribly deceptive but they are fun to ride around when you don’t wanna walk.” He assured. “And I do a lot of business with Beverly so, he won’t be thrilled if you kill us or stole our cargo. He was pretty excited that we had a Tipsy the Tiger still in the plastic.” He smirked.   
“No, that’s a lie…these have a secret you are not telling me.” she said pointing the gun harder. Marley tossed her a communicator.   
“Call him yourself, we’re gonna be running late now so he would love a good explanation.” He grinned. They both stood silently waiting.   
“UUUUAAGH, FINE! Then I guess I’ll have to take my commission off your ship. What does this shit-heap have of value?” she asked. Lawg grinned.   
“Absolutely nothing we can spare and still get to Beverly's Base. Frankly it's a miracle this thing even runs with it missing a third of its vital systems. Feel free to check yourself but if we don’t get to Beverly base in 2 days, you made a powerful enemy.” said Captain Lawg. “Chessmate, no overtime.” He added, placing a pipe in his mouth and looking triumphant as a few bubbles gently wafted from it. 

The real Uka looked livid as the two boys sat in the den, both depressed and embarrassed. Neither of them had anything on but a towel.  
“I can’t believe you two jackasses got your clothes stolen…you abducted another person that looked like me, left me on Delta Base with no idea where you were, and then you got robbed?” you’re like children, I can't leave you unsupervised for one day without you getting us killed or stranded or mugged.” she complained.  
“I mean, she did look exactly like you.” protested Captain Lawg.   
“Seriously? Neither of you can tell my kind apart enough to not just hand the keys to the ship to a stranger…how sober were you?” she asked Lawg.   
“Pretty sober.” He admitted with a hint of shame. “Bout 8 or 9 sodas, a burger, milkshake earlier that day.”   
“And not a drop of alcohol in that time, hu?” she scolded like an angry mom.   
“I was having fun.” He said pouting. "I had hoes."   
“Unbelievable. Is the cargo still there?” she asked.   
“Oh yea it's fine, we bluffed out of that. We told her Beverly was a pretty menacing person. The rest was true so it was convincing and easy to get our story straight. It’s all there.” muttered Marley.   
“So she left the cargo…at least you didn’t botch the getaway even if you did sort of create this whole problem to begin with. I guess we didn’t lose anything important, we can get you some new clothes.” She smirked. Lawg looked mortified.   
“Nothing of value?! How can you say that? We lost the most valuable irreplaceable item on this ship and we can’t ever get it back now.”   
“Seriously, what is it with you and that damn hot-tub? Why would anyone want a used people-boiler full of chemical water, in space? If the power goes out, that’s a 5 foot ball of conductive liquid floating around on a ship with cardboard beams and exposed wires.” she barked.   
“You wouldn’t understand.” Lawg said burying his face in his hands and almost turning grey with despair.   
“Don’t worry Captain…the universe will provide…remember?” she grinned sarcastically. She trotted off feeling like she had accomplished something, even if they lost a little in return. She made her point perfectly clear.


	4. Episode 4: The Duffy

Uka shook her head in disbelief.   
“I can’t believe the universe provided.” She sighed as a nearly giddy Captain Lawg hastily steered his way through the debris field towards a stray floating chunk of fiberglass and tubing.   
“I’ve never been so happy! It’s a D600! Oscilating turbo-jets, quick-change filtering unit. This puppy has a fading illuminating system and sea-foam green topcoat. Look at her, not even a chip. A little polishing compound and a fuse or two and she’ll purr like a chicken.” Lawg barked  
“Kitten, you dip-Lawg. Chicken is a food animal. Kittens purr.” corrected Uka.   
“And how would you know?”   
“Even I know that much, we had chicken a week ago at spaceport 7-11. It was good but it tasted just like mandorian owl, and caloric sand snakes. Basically it just tasted like everything. I was disappointed.” She sighed. Lawg just dismissed it. He had a prize.   
“Well prepare your asses for pant-shitting excitement. We just scored ourselves the best find of the decade.” He said gently backing up to the tub so Marley could snag it and pull it into the cargo bay. Uka threw her hands up.   
“You said that about the case of sparklers we found 3 days ago. You set the hull on fire. I didn’t know aluminum hulls could burn. Please don’t set the hot-tub on fire.” She begged.   
“Oh no I learned my lessons. Sparklers in an oxygen-rich enclosed atmosphere is bad, from now on I stick exclusively to Jupiter screamers and boom-crackers, and they will NOT be set off anywhere near the new tub. Cargo bay only.”   
“It didn’t help that you decided to set them off on the wooden front porch. Only you would have a wooden structure in a spaceship.” Marley noted.   
“I rubbed it down with duracoat so it wouldn’t get dry and splintery.”   
“Duracoat is flammable!! You nearly killed us all with the fumes. There is a reason aerosols are banned on starships.” he reminded.  
“We need another crewman.” sighed Uka.  
“Why?” asked Lawg.   
“I can’t sleep, there is too much to do for 2 people and frankly some of the things are just beyond the skills of a space-bunny and reluctant stowaway.”  
“Yes, but we don’t have any way of paying. Professional crewmen are expensive, we can’t keep an android working even if they weren’t so expensive.” He shrugged.   
“Maybe we can hire another woman.” she suggested.   
“Good point, I’ll make some fliers.” Marley said darting up and running to the kitchen for some paper. 

The boys sat elbows down on a plastic tabletop watching most of the people on the space-station pass them by.   
He yawned, noticing Marley was dead-asleep.   
“Wake up furrball. If I have to sit here and be awake, so do you…unless you wanna help Uka with the cargo.”   
“I’m awake, who did we get?” he asked.   
“Nobody so far.” He said as people walked by their table as if it wasn’t there. He looked down and noticed a Resume on his hand.   
“I must have dozed off for a second too. Looks like we have someone interested.” He said rubbing his eyes.   
“Anything good?” Marley asked.   
“We may have a winner.” He said with a smirk.   
“Considering we have one contestant, I'd say so. I bet the sign details didn’t help. Why are we advertizing that we can't pay?” he asked.   
“Eliminating moochers and freeloaders. If they will work for free and take a small cut of the profit as we go…then they won't be mad when we can't pay them regularly. time-saving and honest.” He said reading the paper. Marley leaned over to read.   
“Wow, 9 years space mechanic, former captain and pilot for 18 months, experience with cooking and electrical, combat trained, holy shit why does this guy even wanna be near us?” he asked.   
“She…Duffy LaCroix.” He grinned.   
“You don’t have a concern that she is a bit too perfect? Former captain, now willing to serve as cook and mechanic for a crew like us?” asked suspicious Marley.   
“Who cares? Female, cook, desperate. Maybe she got demoted for being too slutty or not following dress code. Maybe she didn’t wear clothes." he smirked.  
“On her own ship? How do you get demoted on your own ship? I bet she couldn’t keep a crew and had to sell her ship, or maybe she gambled her ship away or something really dumb like pawning the roof.” He muttered.   
“Didn’t hear you, I was picturing our new mechanic. I hope she has her bathing suit, the new hot-tub could use the estrogen.”  
“Hey, you got it right this time, estrogen…good for you.” he yawned. A short chubby woman approached the table with a sandwich and very large eyes. A Grinning Lawg waved her away as he drooled over the resume.   
“I’m sorry, the auditions are closed, and we found our cook/mechanic."   
“Alright, happy to join the crew!” she said saluting very cartoonishly.   
“Um, I’m sorry you misheard me…we have someone in mind so we are no longer looking at applications.” He repeated.   
“Yep, so we gonna take off now or is there a shift time?”   
“You are persistent, and I admire that, but you can’t top this application, so there is no interview and no negotiation. We have our decision.”   
“That’s nice, so clearly you don’t get the deal either. Duffy LaCroix.” She said holding out her hand.   
“How did you know her name?…you better not be trying to tell me she joined another crew.” He said skeptically. Marley cleared his throat.   
“Captain Oblivious…that was a greeting.” said Marley. “SHE is Duffy…probably just came back to see if anyone else put down an app.”   
“Did they?” she asked.   
“Nope.” Sighed Marley   
“Then Captain Duffy LaCroix at your service.” She grinned.   
"LaCroix…like the-" asked Marley  
"No relation, it's pronounced La-Crow…like THE CROW but way more French."   
“No, no this can’t be right…” said Lawg, looking for a word of description to confirm the deception. Not a thing.   
“Sir, not to be bold or stuffy but you seem desperate and you have no money, and I am obscenely overqualified, so you don’t have a lot of room to over-think it. You liked the resume didn’t you? Well then…” she answered before he could speak. “Then I assume you are basing your change of decision on my appearance and I assure you I will dress professionally to keep from intimidating the other female crew and distracting you from your Shipley duties.” She winked. “Spaceport 266, right? I’ll get my things.” She said with an awkward spin and a rather peppy rush to her shuttle.   
“What the hell just happened?” asked Lawg.   
“I don’t claim to know that answer. I think we just hired her, or…she just hired herself to us and we…accepted?” said a confused Marley.   
“Ugh, you see the problem? There is always a catch with these people. Perfect credentials and resume and she shows up…” he paused to think of an appropriate word.   
“Crazy? Forcefully enthusiastic?” Marley filled in.   
“Fat.” He said.   
“I’m sorry, did I put up the wrong flier? I thought we needed a mechanic and cook, not a stripper. She clearly knows her food, and if half of these credentials are remotely accurate, she is overqualified. I must have left the “hooker wanted” flier in the kitchen, I’ll go get it.” he said hopping out of his seat.   
“I got a bad feeling about her, we need to just leave and try the next station.” He said grabbing his cooler and rushing to the ship. He arrived, assuming he had beaten her to the port, and as he hopped in the cockpit, he checked the com.   
“Uka…you on the ship?”   
“Yea.”   
“How quickly can we take off?”   
“I dunno. 2 minutes.” she yelled.  
“If you can do it in 90 seconds or less you get a ten percent bonus on the next haul.” He said, hearing the sound of someone rushing to get the airlock sealed.   
“Does that apply to me too if I can do it faster?” asked Duffy from the Den. Captain Lawg jumped and fell into the back seat as he tried to grasp the situation.   
“You!” he pointed.   
“ME!” she said with a little hop and a stance that said “tadaaaa” without needing words.   
“How did you get here so quick? I thought you had things to bring from your ship?” he asked.   
“No, I had things to bring ON my ship. It’s in the shuttle bay, sorry bout the scuff on the door, kinda cramped in there.” she said hopping in the passenger seat.   
“No no no…nobody sits in the Fusion without permission and only if I am too busy to fly this ship myself." he protested.  
“So can I fly it, Mister Captain? I don’t know your name yet.” she grinned, like some sort of child who had access to a whole bag of sugar. The ship lifted off as Uka darted to the front for her bonus.   
“Sorry Captain, 103 seconds. Do I get 5 percent for the effort?” huffed a very winded Uka. “I see you met our new mechanic.” She wheezed, getting her breath.   
“There has been a mistake, please pressurize the docking seal so Duffy can leave.   
“Let me get this straight…you want to dismiss the only person willing to work for us for basically nothing…a pilot, mechanic, former captain and cook…and I am guessing it is a matter of either gender or proportions.”   
“Absolutely not, I just have my doubts she is as qualified as her resume presents. Look at her, she is maybe…25, 35 years old, tops. You think she had her own ship?” he protested.   
“Two ships, Captain." Duffy blurted "First ship was the SS Shuttlepod 13. I was Captain for 18 months before she…well there was a situation that was not my fault. Now I Captain the SS Vector 2.” She said.   
“A Vector 2 shuttle pod…you were captain of 2 shuttle pods.” He said looking at Uka as if to say “told you”   
“Permission to speak bluntly, Mister Captain Sir?” saluted Duffy.   
Uka nodded. Lawg shrugged reluctantly.   
“You didn’t ask how big of a ship I was captain of. I would have explained it but you didn’t give me the time to. Technically a shuttle pod is only a shuttle if the ship it belongs to has it in the registry. If lost or discarded, a shuttle pod becomes the property of the pilot and if unclaimed for 10 months, it can be registered as an independent vessel regardless of capacity, speed, crew, or cargo. Both shuttle pods were under my legal ownership. I served on both full sized ships as crew before I was given my shuttle pods, so that makes me experienced as a crewman, cook and mechanic for 4 vessels and captain of two.” she finished.   
“Good for you…why did both of your last ships decide to give you ownership of one of their shuttle pods…specifically and in detail.” He asked.   
“My first ship encountered a technical failure while I was off-ship. The specifics were never found. I was adrift for over a year and I was picked up by the SS Gremlin. I was allowed to keep my ship and a few months later there was an unfortunate attack and I was forced to hide in the Vector 2 when the Gremlin…um…exploded."  
“So you have been on two ships that exploded and half of the shuttle ships you owned have exploded as well.” he said looking back at Uka.   
“Technically the Shuttle pod imploded, I don’t know if that helps.” She said looking leery.   
“She is a jinx. 4 ships, 3 blew up and the other is in our docking bay.” said Captain Lawg. "IN OUR DOCKING BAY!"  
“That doesn’t count. I was not on 2 of the ships when they were destroyed and the last 2 blew up together. So none of those were in any way my fault…except the shuttle pod, because technically I did park it in the ship that eventually exploded…my mistake.” she paused.   
“Captain. I need to speak freely as well.” said Uka.   
“Fine.”  
“She may have some bad luck, but she is perfect for the job and you keep telling me to go with the flow. The flow brought us a mechanic/pilot/cook that has more time on a shuttle pod then the men who built them, and she comes with her own ship that happens to fit our rather tiny shuttle bay. I have overlooked things as coincidence but the third time we found a working hot-tub adrift in space I finally agreed that maybe the universe has plans and clearly they now involve Duffy. So if you boot her off the ship you are paddling directly against the flow and as you have said…that is when problems happen. Now the alternative is that you don’t want her around because she is a woman that doesn’t meet your sexist body standards, in which case you will be replacing 2 lost crewmen back on the station because I draw the line somewhere and this is that line. So do we have our 4th crewman or not?” she asked standing firmly in a power-stance.   
“Hu… interesting point…definitely a valid argument to consider…but will you object to giving her a fair test of her job duties before we officially assign her a bunk?”   
“That sounds reasonable.” Uka nodded. 

Lawg rolled his eyes to the back of his head as he slowly chewed a bite of food in what appeared to be a nearly spiritual state of mind. Marley pat his bulbous belly with a look of complete satisfaction with his life.   
“No way that was the crap we had in the cargo crates. No way on any planet did that somehow turn into what I just ate.” He moaned. Lawg sighed.   
“It’s like a sunset and a Chalupa had a baby and that baby was the chosen one.” said Lawg, almost mystified at how good his food actually was. She smiled.  
“So I guess I’m part of the crew now?” she asked.   
“Please choose an empty bunk and feel free to use the television at your leisure.” He said taking another bite and almost hitting full-trance mode.   
“I’ll be in my ship.” She said skipping along merrily. Uka stopped her and gave her a look, leaning in close.   
“What did you put in that food?” she whispered.   
“Paprika, seasoned salt, a little bacon fat and about a tab and a half of Ecstasy.” She smirked.   
“I would avoid the Captain until it wears off, he is handsy enough when he isn’t on anything. Welcome to the SS Tast-E-Chill.” She said shaking her hand.   
“Girl-power.” Whispered Duffy under her breath as she headed to the shuttle bay.   
“What?”  
“Nothing.” She said looking up and around. “So when do I get the tour? She asked.   
“Well, it’s a small ship, so it won’t take long.”  
“Sweetie…I spent 18 months in a 14x10 shuttle pod, this is not a small ship by my standards.” Duffy whispered.   
“Oookay. So you know the kitchen and the Captain’s Earth-cruiser mobile. Just over here is the den, TV, coffee table, little writing desk and the woodstove.”  
“A woodstove?” she asked.   
“Yes, an actual cast-iron box the captain uses to burn things in, right next to the carpet and the rug, sometimes he melts edible sugar on a flammable stick and rapidly shakes it until it's no longer on fire so he can eat this edible napalm…also on the carpet.”   
“Odd.” She said with a grin.   
“Crew Quarters. Standard issue sleeping bunks, pretty typical except the bedding and the wood paneling. Here on the other side of the kitchen we have the main bathroom, it's small and cramped and provides absolutely no sound dampening since it’s made of the thinnest plastic possible. The shower is the same deal. Teleporter, older model. I would avoid it at all costs. This…I don’t know what it is.” She said looking at a strange booth made of wood and pained blue.   
“Ancient bathroom?” Duffy pondered.   
“Not a clue. Captain says it won’t open. He tried everything and it won't budge. It looks like painted wood but its harder then steel. Makes a gritty noise once in a while so the captain uses it as an alarm clock and a coat-hanger. I think it’s an empty weapon locker, you’ll notice the faded word “police” on the top. Anything that armored was likely weapon storage." Duffy took a knee.   
“Oh strange box of mystery. What untold secrets of the universe might you have recorded into your primitive walls?” said Duffy getting oddly philosophical.   
“Sure…or a petrified porta-potty. Moving along.” said Uka, unamused. “The captain’s quarters, same bunk beds and plastic enclosure as the others. Here we have the front porch.” She said leading her up the steps of a wooden porch in the middle of the ship.   
“But why?” Duffy asked intrigued.   
“We just don’t ask anymore. Captain Lawg has a fixation with lumber…no irony there. He just collects Earth junk, whatever floats his proverbial boat and it doesn’t take much to float a Lawg" she smirked.   
“Fascinating. Did he find a whole porch and snag it or did he build one from scavenged wood?” she pondered.   
“You know…I just don’t know, or care.” Smiled a sarcastic Uka   
“Doesn’t it make you think? I mean, if he built it from scraps, this is very impressive, how did he find enough identically worn planks already pre-cut? The consistency of the lumber suggests he found it intact. Imagine an intact wooden structure floating adrift, just sleeping away, and waiting for a crazy Captain with a name befitting a lumber junkie to rescue it. And how did he get it in here? It's 3 times the side of the doors.” She said peering up at the “skylight”   
“I never gave it much thought. And yes, above you is an umbrella, apparently they kept rain and weather off you, and we have it currently trapping air where the ship once had a docking port that the captain pawned with 6 other roof sections we now have sealed with our shuttle bay.”   
“Wow…I bet it keeps the rain out really good thought.” She said with a look that made Uka unsure weather it was a joke or not. She was afraid to ask.   
“And this here is the precious hot-tub. It’s a tub, and it’s hot. There is no other purpose for its existence, it uses a lot of power and weights a ton, but don’t worry…the floor is sagging way less than it appears, I measured it.”  
“How tall is the crawlspace?”   
“No idea, maybe…4 feet?” Uka guessed   
“One of the Chillmax crates would be almost that height. They hold half a ton, so one of them and a few boards would eliminate the sag in the- oooh is that a second bathroom stall?” she said getting oddly excited.   
“Uh, yes. Oficially named Fiberglass shit-house number-B. You seem more excited then you should be about that.”  
“That is a bathroom for every 2 crewmen, ladies and gentleman’s exclusive bathroom. Not many ships have gender separate bathrooms, we should make signs with the little stick people. One has to have a skirt, it's quirky. You spend 18 months sealed in a ship with no way out and you learn to appreciate redundant systems. When you have one bathroom and no way to repair it you tend to be delicate with the parts and ration your flushes, never know which one represents the final evacuation before a valve breaks and you either become sealed in with your own waste or just slowly evacuating the air until the ship becomes a vacuum and SHoooop…uncomfortable death. Only worse scenario is if you happen to be on the toilet when it happens. Next person to find you finds a mummified corpse frozen both literally and figuratively in the final push of their last and most humiliating personal moment. And that is how you are remembered, “the flusher”, displayed in a museum for another 400 years, no dignity, only shame and discolored skin puckered to, hey where do you find a hot tub in this shape? I always thought the fiberglass would splinter in a vaccum. Guess not, every day is a learning experience, yea definitely run some bio-7 through the toilets every 6 months, prevents pipe corrosion and gravity plating cold spots.” She said wandering ahead. Uka stood there with a slight twitch in her eye, wondering of she just suffered some kind of small stroke or if she was the only sane humanoid in the universe. She paused before continuing her tour guide.   
“So the cargo bay is a mess but that’s normal. Crates of whatever we can get and lots of straps and tape. The Captain found a truck full of Survival Green all-purpose tape and about a hundred ratcheting straps a while back so he repairs almost everything with a combination of them. The engine room is on the other side of the airlock corridor and the ladder just outside it goes to the crawlspace and up to the shuttle bay, which you already know, apparently.”  
“Yea, sorry about the landing, I really thought I could pull that off. Moment of brilliant stupidity as one would have, calculated the wingspan and the diagonal cargo measurements, forgot when the ship parks it has to rotate back and well, we all learn something new every day, wings are mostly just decorative on most shuttles, few inches off the tip isn’t a problem, you got a welder?” she asked.   
“I think so, engine room.”  
“Yea, I’ll have that fixed in a Gif, don’t even sweat it, my ship took all the damage, you're just missing some paint, not even pretty paint, “Stellar Grey” if you believe it. Don’t know who decided grayish green was overly stellar. I mean, anything on a ship is kinda stellar but you don’t have “Space grey” toilet paper, it’s just paper maybe it sold better then “cigarette smudge grey” or something.” she said smiling at her own joke and waiting for a reaction. “ya, know…or not, whatev, did they name the hideous pink that this ship is painted on the outside?” Duffy asked.  
“Bubblegum delight. I know because we have 3 buckets of paint in the locker for when we run into something. Captain likes his ship “vintage” and “original”, like anyone notices a mark or two.   
“Well, you kinda live here…doesn’t that count for something? Scuff or two would go unnoticed but if you never touched it up, the whole ship would look like crap. You have kind of a cynical mannerism, do you get enough fiber?”   
“You…why do you care?” asked Uka  
“Why don’t you?” she asked. "It's your diet. Lack of fiber can cause depression."  
“So the Engine Generator is diesel, we run it on omnifuel and chamber 1 overheats sometimes because it only has 1 vent pipe and in order to fix it we need to shut down the entire engine and we lose power. So when it overheats we just shut that one down and hope it doesn’t explode. And that is the ship.” She finished.   
“Sawdust.” She said.   
“Excuse me?” she asked a bit confused.   
“Fiber substitute. It’s harmless and with this much wood you should have plenty to work with. Anything treated is toxic but if you can burn it safely you can eat it too…and if it's no good to eat then burning it is a bad idea anyway and you'd be better off dying with plenty of fiber, space driftwood is supposed to have vitamin D, sunlight vitamin, bleaches right into the wood. Don’t like the taste myself, of course you could just eat plants and avoid all that…is anyone sleeping in the bunk below the captain’s bunk?” she rattled, inspecting the space.   
“No, but I doubt he would be thrilled with that idea.”   
“Maybe the mood will determine.” She said looking philosophical again.   
“So what was your last Captain like?” asked Uka, trying to be social.   
“Technically my last Captain was me and we don’t get alone like we used to…too much forced quality time alone, did you know the average human hallucinates if exposed to an hour of total sensory deprivation. Little flicker bugs on the floor. Bugs can’t get in a shuttle, they’re sealed, silly beaver…but there they are. The paranoia intensifies with time.” Duffy said darkly.   
“Um…no I meant the captain you had before you…like any Captain that isn’t just…still you.” she explained.   
“Oh yea, good guy. Tall, absolute hunk, arms like deck-cannons. Little on the solitary side, never managed to get him claimed, too much of a free spirit, very entertaining quality. Explore and experience, no fear and no plan…then again the ship got blown up so maybe some form of plan was a good idea, maybe not, the crew will never know. They’re dead, antimatter explosion, just glitter and dust now. Very sad. I wonder if the Captain blames himself?” she pondered.   
“Wouldn’t he be dead too if you were the only one to get to a shuttle craft.   
“Probably not. He was a tough son of a bitch. My guess is he just grabbed a piece of debris and rode the wave into the night like a surfer of the stars…or maybe he died, I like the first one better. I try and stay positive in the unknown scenarios. His species could survive in the vacuum of space for a long time so I can either assume he got flung into some interesting space station and lived a merry life or that he just got thrown into nothingness, fully conscious and slowly losing his mind. Without air in space there would be no sound and remember kids…sensory deprivation and excessive solitude leads to neural problems. Damn he was gorgeous. You know the space bugs I mentioned, you know what they really are? Neutrinos, invisible particles so small they pass right thought the hull and make your eyeballs flicker when they pass through your corneas. That’s what my grandpa told me. Well, enough about me, I'm a bit tired, I better find my bunk and get cozy. I wanna be good and fresh for tomorrows first day on a new ship. Is the Captain single?" she asked.   
"Perpetually so. Best of luck."   
"You two aren't…like, I don’t wanna step on toes if you're secretly testing the structural integrity of the bunks or anything." she hinted.   
"Oh I assure you…you have no competition on this ship except the tail he finds on shore-leave."   
"Okay DIBS!" she hollered, crawling into the bunk on the bottom and shutting the door.   
"I may have made a mistake." sighed Uka, shuffling off to her own bunk.


	5. Episode 5: Rocket Launchers and Cocktail Sauce

The Captain put on his slippers and turned off his police box alarm with his alarm hammer. He stretched and made himself a breakfast shake, raw egg, can of condensed milk creamer and 6 ounces of rye whiskey. As he sipped, he made his way to the front porch. He gazed up at the banner of a sunrise and let the gentle breeze of the fan simulate the island experience. He yawned and approached his hot-tub and jumped, suddenly noticing Duffy sitting in the tub, topless and listening to headphones as she read one of his copied books.   
"No, no no." he scolded.   
"Morning Captain. I like your history lessons. Some of it seems unlikely but it makes a good read. You should be a fiction writer, I hear eccentric loners with too much free time write great comedies…you should do one about this ship and crew." she insisted. He was awake now, furiously so.   
"Why are you in my hot-tub and why are you not covered?" he said diverting his eyes.   
"I assumed it was for everyone, why else would you have a cooler on both sides and an 8 person seating arrangement?" asked duffy.  
"Touché, now why are you topless?" he said calming down a little.   
"Sign says "guests must wear trunks unless otherwise recommended". I'm wearing trunks…but you gotta look to confirm that don’t you?" she grinned.   
"Out of the tub, put my book back, before the pages get wet and ruined. And no sodas on the edge. You could spill it into the tub and that’s how we get space-ants. I don’t wanna wake up with a 5 foot Vaath crawling around my cargo bay" he insisted.   
"Didn’t you fall asleep yesterday and let a bottle of rum and citrus just float around for like…3 hours?" she asked.   
"Yes I did. I let MY drink spill into MY Tub that I…ordered Uka to clean."  
"And you wonder why you can't get laid. Piss off the skinny one and turn down the hot one over a little thing like imaginary space-ants. You know those bugs you think you see could be radioactive particles hitting your optic nerve. They find their way through damaged vents and huge missing roof panels covered in tape. You should look into that. I'll write you a book." she said   
"It’s a metaphor, wait…I don’t have to explain myself, and I'm the captain."   
"Commodore. You now technically operate a fleet. The shuttle is still legally my ship even if I take orders from you, which would make my ship my independent property, your ship, the flagship of a fleet of two and you would be giving orders to another Captain. You need a hat to be a Commodore, so I think by maritime law until you get a hat; we have to dual for disputes. You do swords or pistols? We could fill squirt-guns with tequila and the loser has to swab the deck." she grinned.  
"What the, no…wait I got confused. Are you cleaning now?"  
"Awe, you can't win em all, not everybody gets looks AND brains so you gotta work with what you got. Hop in the tub'o'fun and lets ride this beast." she said throttling the jets up.   
"The only ride in this theme park is the Lawg-ride and you gotta be…" he held his hands about a foot apart." This wide or less to get a ticket." he insisted.   
"Nice one." she said offering a fist bump.   
"Thanks." he bumped. He sighed and sat down in the tub, fully dressed and opened the cooler to ice his beverage. "Not like anyone else ever listens either."  
"Probably cuz you're not very intimidating and you got no structure."  
"Thanks, I try to keep things loosey goosey and as chill as possible. Just not in my nature to resist the natural flow." he said sipping his breakfast.   
"I've tried to get to know everyone on this ship, but I don’t know much about you, Commodore." she said half serious.   
"Let's just pretend for the general flow of things that I'm just a captain and your ship is the shuttle pod for the SS Tast-E-Chill. Officially we both know the truth, but I don’t want the responsibility of a fleet unless it comes with a pay raise." he said to appease and avoid the weirdness.   
"Alrighty Captain. So what is your story?" she asked.   
"Well, born on a star ship, raised by my grandfather, old Captain Yule William Lawg. He spent a little too much time near the distortion reactor; back in his day the leaked a lot of magnetic flux so by the time you reached 50 they were usually a bit loony. Three generations of loony Lawgs. But he knew how to go with the flow and everyone loved him. Didn’t speak much about my father, just that he and my grandfather didn’t see eye to eye. I think my father was a lot taller. Anyway when I was 13, he died and I was bumped from intake manifold scrubber to assistant kitchen cleanup. Vowed one day to have my own ship and by the time I was 15 I had saved enough money to buy a captains uniform and steal one. Spent a year on a detention planet and the hooligans there taught me a valuable lesson…I am way better then those turds both as an individual and visually. Also learned if you make waves you get…some metaphor for beaten up a lot. From there, Barely made it through academy, then took online truck driving school, freight hauler, discovered the earth debris field and I've been piecing together Earth's history and looking for a place to build the Earth Museum. There I can store all my treasures and make a living charging a small fee to bring a rich and vibrant history of my culture back from the grave. And with the extra money, become a collector of the finer things." he said looking up as if dreaming.   
"Like what?" she asked.   
"Exotic poon, for one. Also would like a functional piano, a running muscle car and about 2 miles of road to drive it on. Maybe a bakery, I do enjoy a good bread. Just retire on a little chunk of rock with my name on it and all the things I've collected that the museum doesn’t want."   
"Like poon." she nodded.   
"Exactly." he smiled.   
"So I understand your motives, I get the furry guy's reasons but I don’t understand Uka." she said.   
"What's to understand, she is part of the team and we work as a unit. No reason to question why." said Lawg.  
"So it doesn’t bother you at all that she has literally no reason to be here?"   
"I don’t understand. Where are you going with this?" muttered Lawg.  
"You are a collector and adventurer saving relics, Marley believes in you and has a natural follower's instinct, he wants to be seen as something more then part of a brutal species of dumb warriors, and I feel at home in space and you are the only crew desperate enough to have me…but Uka doesn’t believe in your dream, she clearly hates all of us, you especially, she isn't particularly interested in Earth or its history. Hell she isnt even human and she was taken here by force…accidental as it may be. So why didn’t she just ditch at the first fuel station? Why is she here?" Duffy asked.   
"Huh, you know I never thought about it. At first she didn’t have a choice, and then when she was safe to leave she just didn’t. I assumed the Lawg charm just overcame her and she felt compelled to stay but now that I think about it…she doesn’t seem to like me that much." he pondered. "Oh well, she has her reasons." he said as the lights flickered and the ABC song sounded.   
"Does anyone hear that besides me?" asked Duffy.   
"As tempting as it is to say no and watch you question reality, that is the gravitation alarm." Lawg said jumping out and heading to the cockpit. Uka and Marley made their way to the front as a wet Lawg stumbled and slid face first, before scrambling to his feet near the Fusion cockpit. He buckled in and took the wheel. In the front view window was a large section of planet, like a huge pie-slice, or an ice-cream cone, with the ice-cream being a sandy earthen coating, complete with a thin atmosphere and a lake.   
"What am I looking at?" asked Uka. Marley checked the scanners.   
"From what I can tell it's a chunk of Earth, and a big one. About 20 miles across and with oxygen." he noted.   
"Wouldn’t the oxygen disperse if a chunk was too small for planetary gravity? I mean…why is there atmosphere at all?" she asked.   
"Probably moving too fast." said Lawg. "Momentum of a flat disk moving in an orbit might be enough to hold it down." he said. Everyone looked shocked that he had the capability to grasp any scientific law of anything. "What?" Makes sense. You can run with food on a flat plate if you angle it in the direction you're running! Why not oxygen and water and stuff?" Lawg explained.   
"I can't believe I agree with you on something, just makes me concerned for my own mental health is all." said Uka   
"Yea, as crazy as it sounds…we got a flat-earth disk. Looks like the edges got frozen, too far from the center. I bet we can land on it." said Marley.   
"This ship isn't designed to land!" Lawg objected.  
"Well, planets are supposed to be round too, so anything is possible…space is weird, weird shit happens in space." shrugged Marley "Plus if there are any women there, the reduced gravity would make them more buoyant than normal, they may have evolved larger boobs as an evolutionary result." He joked. The Captain got a gleam in his eye and he place a boot on the dashboard.   
"FOR SCIENCE!!" he announced, pulling the throttle and banking in for a landing. Everyone grabbed a hold of something as the SS Tast-E-Chill made a steep decent 

"How many fingers am I holding up?" asked Marley to a very dizzy Captain.   
"I can't tell." he mumbled.  
"He's blind, clearly I should take command of the ship." sighed Duffy. He swatted away the paw and staggered to his feet.   
"I'm not blind you dinguses…Dingus, Dingi? I just can't tell from a blurry furry paw if his fingers are up or down." Lawg barked. "What is the plural for of Dungus?"  
"I think its "Dinguses." said Duffy.  
"I think the ladies would be Dingettes." said Marley   
"Nevermind…" Lawg said rubbing his head. "What happened? Did we land?"   
"Technically yes, some might say it was a crash, but there were no explosions and the ship is intact so I think it qualifies as landing." informed Marley.   
"Why am I wobbly?" Lawg asked. Duffy pondered.   
"Could be a number of things, blood-alcohol levels out of balance, gravity shifting, brain tumor, or a result of you hitting the windshield at about 40 miles an hour with your face. Luckily you have a very dense head." informed Duffy.   
"I remember fastening a seatbelt." he said   
"Right before boobs were mentioned and you decided to triumphantly stand up and land without reducing speed." muttered Uka.   
"Oh yea, I remember that. That would have made a really neat landing if I hadn't got the landing gear stuck in this sand." he said peering out.   
"We don’t have landing gear, this ship wasn’t designed to land." mentioned Uka.   
"Then what went down when I pulled, nevermind, we landed safely and injuries were minor, no brain damage and we managed to put her down safely without any injuries or brain damage nice and safely with no landing gear or injuries and no brain damage." he said with an eye twitching, triumphantly taking his pose and strapping a holster to his belt.   
"Okay…just gonna leave that alone…so when did you get a gun?" asked Marley.   
"Well, I already had the holster and it completes the look, plus if we run into anything hostile it's good to have some intimidation on your side even if you don’t have a real gun." he said twirling something shiny.  
"It’s an air drill isn't it?" asked Marley.   
"Yes it is…and before you say anything I have two words to stop you…Leaf…Blower" he squinted.   
"Okay, fair enough." he said shuffling away to the airlock to suit up. 

"Can't believe he made us split up." groaned Marley.   
"At least we got away from princess buzzkill. Any idea what her issue is?" asked Duffy.  
"She has very little patience or tolerance for bullshit, and she is on the same ship as Lawg. So that's disastrously fun." he shrugged.  
"So what have you guy's discovered yet? Any historical gems that ended up in a museum?" asked Duffy  
"Mostly just food, trinkets nobody wants, several hot-tubs and that 7 foot tiki statue in the cargo bay." he yawned as the com lit up. "Go for Marley."   
"There is a situation, both of you come quickly to these coordinates." said Lawg, signing out. They rushed to the blip on the scanner and were taken aback when they found him sitting on a rather lavish stone chair surrounded by beautiful humanoid women of various colors and less various cup sizes…mostly large.  
"Oh come on, seriously?" barked Marley. His ears perked up and he had an idea. "Boy it would be terrible if I tripped over a hundred pound bar of Gold." he annunciated, walking a few paces with his eyes closed.   
"Did you hit your head too?" asked Duffy. He opened his eyes and looked sad.   
"Well the boob thing happened so I figured I'd give it a try. Guess it only works for Lawg. Come on, let's go see what unparalleled incarnation of superb luck Lawg manifested now. Too bad we can't bottle it and sell them…what would happen if we just squeezed him?" Marley asked.   
"They guy lives off of soda and booze, you really wanna squeeze him and bottle what comes out?" she asked raising an eyebrow.  
"Wish I had kept it to myself now." he said as they strolled into what appeared to be a festival. Not a man in sight except Lawg, and the women seemed to be as interested in him as he assumed all women were anyway.   
"Marley, my little Clairvoyant. I will never doubt you again!" he said grabbing him and giving him a hug-noogie.   
"Sir, I have a terrible feeling and we should leave." he said. Lawg squinted and looked annoyed.   
"I doubt you significantly. You're just mad that they aren't 4 foot tall and fury, aren't you? I'm sure we can find you a hairy one somewhere." he insisted.   
"You don’t find it suspicious that 20 females are just waiting here for you to show up…juuust rocking a beach party for the last 6 months on the odd chance a gullible man flies nearby?"  
"I have really good luck." he nodded.   
"Nobody has this kind of good luck. One stranded and grateful bimbo, sure…but 20?" did you even try the scanner for lifeform readings?" Marley asked.  
"Didn’t bother, by the time I got it turned on I was surrounded by women. See?" he said holding the scanner out proudly.   
"Did you notice the mathematical conundrum?" asked Marley.  
"I didn’t take conundrum!! I couldn’t even finish algebra!" Lawg barked.  
"Oh I believe that much. See this number here? How many number is that?"   
It says 7, I'm not that stupid. That’s 4 of us and…three…women." he said slowly turning back to see at least a dozen women giggling and standing around, all just staring at them. "Okay…I admit that does alarm me a little. so…which ones are ghosts, I do not wanna waste time putting out the vibe for a dead girl."  
"It's not ghosts, there is no such thing as ghosts." Marley objected.  
"Maybe the rest are androids. I mean…I don’t have to sneak out the window with an android, I could just turn her off, the ship could use an android too, lotta cans sitting around that nobody takes out." Lawg mentioned re-checking his math.   
"Stop thinking with your bits and just think; regular person thinking. Something is bad wrong here and you know it, your just too horny to care. Hey!" he said changing tone as two of them approached him, giggling and offering cold drinks.   
"Sorry ladies, this bunny is married." said Lawg.   
"Yea, sorry. Got a lady at home." he said skittishly dodging the hands trying to massage his shoulders.   
"Awe, but we just want to greet you." said the blonde.   
"And it is custom for guests to stay the night, drink, celebrate." another insisted.   
"No, I'm fine…not thirsty or…what exactly are we celebrating?" he nervously said looking around.   
"It is not every day we have guests, there is much celebration to be had, for it gets so lonely here in the dark." said the blonde.   
"You got more torches, we can light some more for better lighting."  
"NO" the blonde snipped in a strange tone. "I mean…the light hurts our eyes. We only lit torches for you." she said looking like a rather stepford-ish wife. Cold-dead lifeless eyes and a smile that was just way too damn friendly and hollow behind it.   
"Marley." said Duffy, touching his shoulder. He jumped a few feet and smacked her hand with a look of irritation. "I need help back at the ship, cooling off the engines, you know how they overheat if we don’t manually vent them?" she hinted. He nodded and followed her. They kept quiet till out of earshot.  
"Okay, so you are freaked out too, right?" he asked.   
"Well, clearly this is a trap of some kind." Duffy muttered.   
"No kidding, look at the scanner. The 4 of us and a whole 3 other bio-signs for a gaggle of women."   
"That can't be right…" she said looking at it. "Why are about 17 of them invisible to scanners? And why are 3 of them registering, but not human."   
"Robots?" he asked.   
"I'm not getting any electric fields. My first thought was holograms."   
"Can't be holograms, I thought of that already. They're all picking up drinks."   
"Maybe they are advanced holograms that can pick up things." she suggested.   
"That’s stupid…holograms are light, photons bouncing off surfaces to create an illusion, even with a whole room covered in holographic emitters you couldn’t pick things up, that makes no sense and it's just lazy science."   
"Yea, good point. No matter how advanced the technology, a visual illusion can't possibly manipulate objects, physics 101, I don’t know why I even suggested it." she shrugged.   
"Probably saw it on a show or something. The point is they are physical objects and for some reason only 3 of them register as living."  
"Which ones?" she asked.   
"Here, the ones…what the hell?" he said looking puzzled.   
"Okay, that is strange." she said peering over his shoulder.   
"Apparently the entire party doesn’t exist and the one life form is just…kinda…in the middle of the group." Marley said with his hare standing up.   
"So the bimbos don’t exist and the thing that does, we can't see…were gonna die aren't we?" she asked.   
"Oh yea, we're gonna die. This kinda trap never goes well for the bait. Awe man…I wore my favorite red shirt today." he said   
"Why is that relevant?" Duffy asked.   
"It's not, I just got a soda stain on it when we crashed, and if we die, nobody will pre-treat the stain. Hey, have you seen Uka?" he asked.   
"Come to think of it…no." she said looking at him. They made their way to the party and looked around, trying to pinpoint her on the scanner.   
"Hey, Captain." Marley said. "Uka was with you when you found this quite literal clan of cleavage…did she go back to the ship?"   
"I don’t know, she just has a really odd way of getting lost."  
"Or, it's possible you are just terrible at keeping track of her?" asked Marley  
"I admit the possibility of both." he squinted, still being fanned and brought fruit as they groped and massaged his neck and shoulders.   
"We really need to find her, she is missing a hell of a party." he said looking suspicious and strolling slowly up to the Captain. The blonde tried to comfort him again, interrupting his detective-work with a creepy smile.   
"Maybe she went exploring, please relax and have some wine, some fruit, or perhaps a shampoo?" asked the blonde.   
"That sounds nice, right after I find Uka, I'll take you up on that offer." he said swiping the air-drill and hiding it in his vest.   
"I think I saw her at the temple, maybe you should try there." said the blonde.   
"Good idea, anyone wanna show me the way?" a dozen hands silently pointed to the lone building about 200 yards away.   
"That’s helpful and not remotely creepy." he muttered to himself, walking towards the temple. 

As he approached, he noticed guards standing around in a cluster.   
"Three bio-signs…a dozen sluts…sure, that makes sense, Uka, and both halves of a cluster of ghost androids. No way we live through this, nope." he muttered approaching the first guard. He noticed even the guards were in long dresses, the babes back at the party were nearly topless but all wearing long skirts to the floor. She shuffled through the sand, annoyed that his fur was collecting it like a magnet.   
"You know, if you live on a sandy planet, full length flowing dresses seems like a bad choice to be dragging around." he pondered. "I bet they got gross feet."  
"Halt. This is the temple of Femtar, men are not allowed inside." said the guard, also blonde, and wielding a sword.   
"I am looking for my friend Uka." he said hearing the faint blip of another bio-sign approaching.   
"Please come with me." she said coldly, almost sarcastic in her pleasantries. He turned the corner and she stopped, unsheathing her sword.   
"Ha, death-ray beats cold steel any day!" he nervously said drawing the air-drill. She looked emotionless.  
"Your weapon has great strength?" it asked.   
"Like…stupid powerful. I'll vaporize you and your guards if we don’t get Uka back pronto!" She looked confused. "Pronto means like as soon as possible." he explained.   
"You are allowed to go, but leave the others."  
"Doesn’t work like that, ghost of hookers past!" he said clicking the drill to reverse and looking angry.   
"We only want you to stay and be happy. Your friends are quite pleased. You and the plump one do not seem to be happy, you may leave." she said calmly as more guards approached.   
"Shit…" he muttered, "Um…self destruct sequence activated." he said fiddling randomly with the speed settings. "If you don’t take me to Uka in 5 seconds, this entire planet chunk is screwed, just a thousand foot crater full of dead hooker-bots." he bluffed. It looked like it was thinking…for a good 3 seconds.   
"As you wish. She is in the temple. Go retrieve your woman and leave us." it growled.   
"Oh she is not my woman, not gonna even go there." he chuckled. He went up the steps and noticed a large chamber with Uka tied up to a chair. He hopped over and untied her.   
"What took you so long?" she whispered angrily.   
"Oh no, you're welcome, no need to thank me anymore, the reward is in the act itself and also the critiquing of my speedy rescue." he barked in a whispering tone.   
"Where are the Captain and Duffy?" she asked  
"Duffy headed to the ship, the Captain…where do you think he is?" he asked.   
"Bimbo-pile?" she asked.   
"Gold star for Uka, now let's go." he said getting his com and scrolling to Duffy. "I got Uka, what's your status?"   
"Teleporter is online and I'm ready to lift off."   
"We still need the Captain." he reminded, Uka glared at him.   
"Do we really?" she asked with a smirk.   
"Any idea where we are, or is he the only one who knows this sector?" he asked with a cheesy grin.   
"Crap!!…let's go get the captain." she sighed. 

A Bunny with a leaf-blower and an Uka with an air-drill materialized in another stone building, checking for bio signs.   
"I got him; he is just around the corner. There's only two of them…we got this." he said looking motivated and rushing around the corner before Uka could stop him. He slid to a stop and became alarmed at the sound of a lot of footsteps moving quickly. "Oh right…2 is a lot." he pondered. Captain Lawg came barreling out of a corridor looking frantic as hell.   
"They're all shrimp! Haul your hairy ass!" he screamed in a rather high pitched voice.   
"What does that even mean?" asked Uka. She regretted asking as the sound of a very pissed off something echoed through the halls like a banshee from hell, followed by the clicking of a lot of feet. A wall of sand sprayed up as a dozen bimbos came sliding through the halls as if all riding the same moving sand-wave.   
"They're all shrimp, activate the teleporter!" hollered Lawg. Suddenly the bimbos all rose up in the air and it was clear that each of them was connected at the waist to a central creature, a very large and very blue crustacean shuffling out of the sand. It let out a howl and shook its 20 arms, flinging wigs and clothing off to reveal a bunch of pincers and lifelike humanoid puppets.   
"Oh… shrimp." huffed Marley. Tossing his leaf blower and running full speed. The captain fiddled with something as he sprinted up to him.   
"You have a real gun?!?" asked Marley.   
"Flair gun, only one flair. Bought it at the last gas station." he said pointing it backwards.   
"It’s flair!! You're gonna shoot a 30 ton demon shrimp with a flair?" he hollered frantically as it poofed and a tiny red light hit the beast and did nothing but stick.   
"Duffy!" he screamed into the com. "Hit the green button on the red panel!"   
A moment later a streak of light rained down and a rather impressive explosion turned the Shrimp into shrapnel. Marley, Lawg, and Uka all hit the deck to avoid getting impaled by flying shrimpnel. As the dust cleared, Marley was the first to get up. He approached the blue splatter and grabbed his leaf blower.   
"So the bimbos were just puppets…one for each arm of a giant blue shrimp. You gotta admit, it was some convincing craftsmanship." he said admiring the severed head and wondering a lot of questions.   
"That doesn't make any sense!" barked Uka.   
"Doesn’t have to…space is weird. Weird shit happens in space. Let's go before more shrimp show up, there were 3 life signs…remember?" said Marley.   
"That’s like…24 shrimp!" said Lawg.   
"No, it's 2. the shrimp was a whole cluster of bimbos, that’s why they stayed close together and never left the sandy…nevermind let's go." Marley waved. Suddenly there was a faint voice, a female voice hollering for help.   
"Oh no…they must have captures someone else, she needs our help!" said Lawg, cocking the empty flair gun. Uka sighed and palmed her face.   
"Damnit you lumber-head…it's just a shrimp trying to trick you again…we just fell for that. How dense can a Lawg be?!" she hollered.   
"No, this is different…see? One life sign. A shrimp would be more of them."   
"Wow…just…wow." Uka said calmly. "Teleport the boys to the ship and head my direction." she said to the com. Both of them vanished and she headed towards the ship, remembering it only teleports 2 at a time before reloading.   
"Stupid, old-ass teleporter, takes like 6 minutes to charge up again. Get eaten by stupid shrimp-whores on a stupid cone-planet covered in sand." she said, slowing down and peering into another chamber. There were 2 beautiful women, long dresses and blonde hair, both in cages very close together.   
"Help us!" they hollered.   
"Captain Lawg may be that gullible, but you won't trick me with that act." she said running along. One turned to the other and sighed.   
"Worth a try."   
"They never do stop, do they?" asked the other.  
"So…they all got away this time?" asked the first.   
"Yep. There goes their ship." said the first one, pointing at the SS Tast-E-Chill as it streaked away. She shook her head, sitting down and scratching the shackle on her ankle.   
"So…what are the odds someone else will rescue us." asked the second. Plopping her feet up on the cage.   
"Basically none. We're gonna die on the shrimp-planet." said the first.   
"Bummer." sighed the second. 

Captain Lawg stood with his face and palms on the port-window, watching the planet-slice get smaller.   
"What a shame." he sighed.   
"Seriously? You remember how they were giant shrimp with people-puppets, right?" asked Marley, putting his trust leaf-blower in the locker.   
"I mean…they were so real. That kind of technology and they use it for evil. What kind of heartless beast promises something like sweet-sweet hoes, just to trick and presumably eat people?" he said looking depressed.   
"You're just mad cuz you thought you were getting laid and you just tanked again. I mean it could have gone worse…you could have scored, and then found out it was a giant shrimp. Or death…death was also a thing that could have happened." said Marley.   
"Your right, little buddy…I can live to fly another day, the luck of the Chafee triumphs again." he smirked.   
"I should probably mention how badly this adventure cost us." said Uka, slamming down a bill sheet on a clip-board. "One heat seeking rocket…only one we had, half our fuel breaking atmosphere in a ship not intended to ever land or take off. Thank God for low gravity. No cargo, no supplies, absolutely nothing gained at all. One concussion that shockingly might have made you even dumber, one missing air-drill, and the ship will need serious body filler and re-painted." she finished.   
"What about the landing gear?" he asked.   
"There is no landing gear." she repeated.   
"We lost the landing gear again…damnit." he said with a clenched fist of frustration. "No hoes, no landing gear and no profit." he said looking troubled.   
"Maybe take a day off and have your head scanned just a little." suggested Marley. "And next time you think your going to get laid…maybe just discreetly check for ankles." he said leading him to the couch. Duffy joined Uka in the cargo bay.   
"Do you think he is actually getting dumber?" asked Uka.   
"He did hit his head pretty hard." Duffy sighed.   
"For some reason I almost thought it might actually help." she said staring into the nearly empty cargo bay.   
"Well, at least we're near the debris field. This run could still yield something valuable. Maybe find a rocket launcher and a barrel of cocktail sauce…go back to the shrimp-planet." she smirked.   
"Or another damn hot tub." Uka joked with half a smile.


	6. Episode 6: A Magical Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know i can see you through that webcam. if you tape a piece of paper over it they cant watch you sleep. i'm just sayin. i know you think you're rocking that outfit, but opinions vary and it's just not a good look. You're better than that. Anyway we all know i dont do chapter summaries. i dont know what you expected at this point, really.

Duffy sat on the floor, almost literally rolling with laugher as Uka stood with a look of utter loss, emotionless and dead inside, and staring at something she could not comprehend or accept as reality.  
"I don’t understand." she said calmly, looking lethargic.  
"Luck of the Chafee!! Hollered Captain Lawg, jumping to the grappler controls  
"I lost my mind…that must be it. First giant shrimp, and now another hot tub, just…floating in space." beside her stood Marley looking similarly perplexed.  
"I mean…was Earth just 20 percent hot-tub by volume or something? The odds of this are just impossible. Let me guess, and I'm just pulling this out of nowhere based on a hunch and a pattern…this one is slightly better then ours, mint condition and just what you were wanting your whole career. How close am I?" he asked Lawg.  
It’s a T-700 series!" hooted Lawg, like a kid at Christmas. "Nine Person seating, 4 speaker sound system! Ultra-blue candy coat and foot bubbler!" he said almost in tears as he carefully moved into position. He eased the grappling arm in carefully to get the rubber jaws on a solid part. A boot bumped his arm and the grappler missed, sliding the claw across the tub and scraping the paint as it began to drift away.  
"No, No, NO! FOOT BUBBLER!!!!" he shouted, as it bounced off of a nearby rock and little bits of plastic went everywhere.  
"Awe, dukes…my bad." Uka said shuffling away.  
"Guess that one is all buggered up now." said Marley "I mean, we can still snag it and sell it as an antique so, that’s something." he said calmly sitting down in the passenger seat.  
"You did that intentionally!" hollered Lawg.  
"I'm sure she didn’t mean to." yawned Marley.  
"Yes I did!" hollered Uka from the bathroom stall. Duffy sat up from the couch.  
"Hey!! What the hell Uka? Foot bubbler may have been awesome!" she bellowed, shuffling to the cockpit. Lawg sighed, looking depressed.  
"She's still mad about that whole evil shrimp-trap thing." grumbled Lawg.  
"Well, that was like 14 hours ago" noted Marley "and you did dive-bomb a chunk of space debris for the prospect of low-gravity jugs, based on what was clearly sarcasm. Then you did abandon her for a giant boob-shrimp and almost got her and the rest of us eaten by said shrimp." Marley said munching on some chips. Duffy snagged one and looked back.  
"She doesn’t have to take it out on the hot-tub. OTHER PEOPLE USE THAT TUB BESIDES THE CAPTAIN!!" bellowed Duffy towards the green plastic stall.  
"Well, anyway, I got it. Scratched the paint all up. Foot bubbler is totally ruined." said a very calmly bummed out Lawg, guiding the tub into the Cargo bay. "Hey." he said discreetly to Duffy. "You think the shrimps would pay us if we returned her?" he asked.  
"Did you see any money while we were on the shrimp-planet?" she asked, strolling off.  
"No... Probably just shrimp-money if they did, wouldn’t be worth anything at any bank or ATM." he muttered to himself.  
"That…and they would kill us. You do remember how they don’t have legs so they wouldn't have much use for a hot-tub or foot bubbler?"  
"I bet we could pawn it, I know a guy." Lawg sighed. 

Lawg stood in an alley, outside a window where a large alien was staring him down.  
"350 credits." said the blob of green gelatinous goop behind the counter.  
"What?" 350 credits!? It's worth 600 all day!" argued Lawg.  
"Yea, in good condition, this one is all banged up. You can't find fiberglass anymore to fix it so it's gotta go on display as it is. A working model would get 600 or better, your lucky it’s a T-700 or I wouldn’t give you a thing." it replied.  
"Three hundred cash and a hundred in store-credit." he countered.  
"Three fifty." it gurgled.  
"Three hundred cash… and Fifty in store-credit!" he countered. The blob snickered, shaking his head and signing the bill.  
"Fine, but only cuz I like you and you practically gave away those spinners.  
"Those stupid things were pointless, they just spin!" he barked.  
"Totally worthless to me too, but they sold for ten credits each the first week. People buy dumb shit." he chuckled. Lawg gave a huge sigh, swiped the check and shuffled to the main road to divide the spoils. He handed a hundred credits to Marley and a hundred to Duffy, pocketed a hundred and handed Uka a fidget-spinner.  
"That’s bullshit Lawg!" she barked as he shuffled back in for his store-credit. She looked around at the two of them.  
"Come on guys…gimme ten credits each." she asked. Duffy turned and walked away and she looked pitifully at Marley, pouting slightly.  
"Not a chance Uka. You did kinda dick-up the foot bubbler. I don’t know what that is…but it could have been amazing. Have you seen how big my feet are?" he said hopping the other way, leaving her standing penniless in the street. She looked rather hopeless and as Captain Lawg wandered away from the pawn store, she discreetly crept in. Marley was just turning around, hoping to see of The Captain had change for a 50, when he noticed her lurking.  
"Maybe she has change." he yawned, trotting on in. he couldn’t help but eaves-drop as she argued with the owner.  
"I need 20!" she barked.  
"I sell them for ten, why would I give you double that much. Even if I liked you, I wouldn’t give you more than I could sell it for. Your cute, but not that cute."  
"Okay, ill take 5, but I need another 15. Is there anything you want for 15? Here, I have a necklace." she said desperately.  
"Not interested." said the pawn-blob  
"Then what? I have vintage sodas back at the ship. Food rations, name a type of booze and I'll bring you a bottle." she haggled.  
"Ender Ale, bring me an unopened bottle and you have your 15." he nodded. She darted off in a hurry, checking her watch.  
"Wow, she must be desperate for something. Normally I wouldn’t creep on her, but she is stealing the Captain's booze so I think this merits investigation." he said grabbing a hat, as if that would make him less conspicuous. A four-foot bunny was obvious, but a 4 foot bunny in a hat was basically invisible. He paid the man and slid him 2 singles from the change.  
"I was never here." he said mysteriously.  
"Who wasn’t?" said the owner, returning his attention to his shows. 

After the booze-run and transaction, she left the pawn store with a suitcase in a hurry and Marley followed her. She got a hover taxi and he did as well, leading them both to a rather large building, where some sort of event was happening. He hopped out and looked around, waddling along as he looked for Uka. He spotted her and hid behind a doorway, watching her locate a bathroom and go in. He waited, switching to the scanner so he wouldn’t lose her. He drew out his Delmarian Battle mask to check the visual scanners for any clues. What the hell is this place?" he muttered, putting on his mask and still wearing the hat. He spotted someone who looked like another Delmarian.  
"Excuse me." he said in a deep modulated voice. He turned around and Marley jumped slightly, realizing this wasn’t a Delmarian, it was someone in a costume.  
"You lose your group?" he asked.  
"Um, no…I was just wondering…what is this?" he asked  
"I don’t get it, like…this costume?" he asked.  
"Sure, why not." Marley said going with it.  
"Well, I'm Bigsby Cruiser, from Star Faction. What are you?"  
"Delmarian bounty hunter." he said, not even bluffing.  
"Wow, that’s a really good suit; I don’t get the hat though."  
"Personal flair."  
"Hey, whatever you like." said the costumed kid.  
"So…this is a hangout for Star Faction fans?" he asked.  
"Oh, no. they don’t have a Star Faction room unfortunately. They should, hell they have a room upstairs for Vortex Lords and that show was canceled after 1 season. What room are you looking for?"  
"Just…this is my first…thing. I'm not a specific character. I'm just waiting on a friend, nice to meet you." he said awkwardly wandering off and checking the scanner.  
"Okay…" he muttered to himself and his com, for reasons he wasn’t sure about. Seemed like the thing to do, they do it in movies. "I have been lead to some sort of gathering, where humanoids dress in costumes of fictional characters, mostly sci-fi, which is strange given that we are in space. You'd think that would satisfy them enough but I digress… Uka has left the restrooms, I think I see her." he said following as she put on what appeared to be the final piece of a horse costume. she lead him to another room and as he turned the corner he was confused to see hundreds of people, all dressed as colorful horses, most of them wearing a very cartoonish headpiece. The ones not wearing a headpiece had Mohawks of various neon colors and they seemed to be mostly male.  
"Uh, I may have made a mistake. I have stumbled into some kind of rainbow horse…cult?!" he said breathing heavy and keeping to the sides. He cautiously observed from the snack table and didn’t notice the young lady in pink and blue approaching him.  
"Hi! I'm Starflower." she said with a very drug-suggestive smile.  
"That's fascinating. Can you tell me what this is?"  
"It's the magical kingdom of Ponyguard." she said very excitedly.  
"Yea…sure…" he said blinking a lot. "But like, what is this whole room gathering thing?" he asked.  
"You don’t know, have you never heard of Ponyguard? It’s a wonderful place of colors an-"  
Wow, what fun. So this is a gathering of people dressed as ponies…I hesitate to ask but…why?"  
"For fun of course, why do you dress up as…I don’t know who you are supposed to be." she grinned.  
"Delmarian Bount- just…nevermind." he said shoveling free snacks into his mouth under the mask.  
"Scary. You seem tense…did you lose your parents somewhere?" she asked, looking concerned.  
"Lady, I'm fricken 15!" he said.  
"Oh, so your probably with friends then, when are they picking you up" she asked.  
"You…ugh, 4PM." he sighed.  
"You wanna meet my friends?" she asked.  
"Nope" he said without hesitation, shoveling some free pretzels from the booth.  
"Awe, don’t be shy, you don’t have to be a Pony to be friends, maybe after today you'll consider joining us."  
"The amount of 'no' is more then I can carry." he said dryly.  
"Can I meet your friends?" she asked, trying to hold his hand.  
"Is it just a massive sugar high, or are you on something serious? Is it glue? Are you sniffing the Elmer Dragon or is this some hardcore gangtsta drugs?"  
"Friendship is addictive, who needs drugs?" she grinned, suddenly looking concerned. "You don’t do drugs, do you, do you need help? Do you need a friend?"  
"I need a cattle prod right now but otherwise I'm just dandy. And yea I smoke a little weed here and there but it's medicinal. Why am I telling you? No offence or anything but even if you were furry and had floppy ears, your still way to young to even remotely have my interest, so can I just be alone so I can wait on my friend in silence, and snacks?" he snipped.  
"I'm 16, so I'm older than I look, thank you…and I just wanted to cheer you up." she said still smiling. He sighed. She was just not getting it. He motioned her to get a little closer and lead her just out of view of the party, right behind fruity fountain. He disconnected his mask and let out a ferocious little bark, bearing his long front teeth and unhinging his jaw like some kind of demon. She screamed and ran off, as he scooted behind the door. 

Two large men wearing colorful clothing, tie-dyed hair, and black security shirts grabbed him and pitched his furry ass into the hallway.  
"This a place for friendship and magic, not harassing little girls!" said the larger one.  
"She wouldn’t leave me alone, all I did was flash some teeth, come on."  
"What is a Delmarian doing at Fuzzy-con anyway, trying to creep on teenagers, and posing as a human in costume?"  
"You…what the hell?? I'm the weird one? I'm weird because I'm furry and not human? You're two grown-ass men at a convention where humans pretend to be furry animals and I am the creep for actually being one? How does this not seem odd to you?" he protested.  
"You are no longer welcome in the Ponyguard Kingdom." he said with a serious look.  
"There is a sign 10 feet from you that says 'Ponyguard: where everyone is welcome!" he hollered. The bigger security guard smiled.  
"Well…since you pointed that out…" he said pausing for a moment. 

Marley landed on his face again, having been thrown out of the convention entirely by security.  
"You guys suck! I didn’t even have to sneak in, nobody told me I had to pay ten bucks for a bracelet. That's just bad planning. You're organizational skills are a joke!" he said brushing off his knees and removing his armor.  
"Marley?" asked a familiar voice.  
"Uka?" he asked, squinting at what appeared to be a red and blue pony costume. She took off her headpiece and looked even redder then her costume.  
"What are you doing here?" she asked.  
"Well, I may have been following you, but in my defense you stole Captain Lawg's booze so I had reason to suspicion something was off. Believe me I wished I hadn't now." he said popping his back.  
"What did you think I was doing?" she asked.  
"I dunno. You were being pretty suspicious and I really don’t know you that well…as I have now confirmed and ironically elevated."  
"You can't tell the Captain." she begged  
"Just…what the hell is this? Please tell me it's not a sex-thing." he said  
"Well, I can't speak for everyone, but most of us, no."  
"Then…just…why?" he asked.  
"You wouldn’t understand, you're already furry."  
"Doesn’t that sort of make me an expert?" he asked.  
"It's not just the costumes or the games. I feel like myself here. People understand me. Here, people don’t think I'm strange or weird."  
"We live on a spaceship and encounter aliens every other day. What could possibly be weirder than…oh right the pony thing. But if you weren't already a pony, then how would you be different…I'm confused."  
"I can't explain it. This makes me happy, people get me here." she explained.  
"But you hate people…and being happy pisses you off." he reminded.  
"Not everyone. I'm just pissed because the Captain is a dick-head and he dumps all the work on me." she explained.  
"That and he did sorta abduct you…why don’t you just stay somewhere, why put up with it?" he asked.  
"I don’t have any choice. I can't stay anywhere very long…they might…recognize me."  
"Okay, I'm gonna let you try that again with details cuz I'm just going back and forth here."  
"I…sort of have a criminal record."  
"For what? Mood swings and pony magic?"  
"No, Armed robbery. I didn’t do it. I was at a convention and dressed as Ocean-Fury and apparently so was someone else. Nobody can seem to tell my kind apart anyway and you add the same costume and it just makes it worse. That bitch got away with 20,000 credits and I got arrested for it. They couldn’t prove anything, so under the laws of that planet, I got 30 days and tagged." she said holding her wrist out.  
"Dude…not cool. Don’t they have to actually have proof or something to convict you?" he asked.  
"Well, it was Planet Utah, so to be convicted you just have to be a woman." she noted.  
"Oh yea, your lucky they didn’t burn you as a witch. Didn’t President Cruise try to make costumes illegal because he's terrified of red yarn?"  
"Oh no, The Kaballians repealed that. Anyway, with a criminal record I can't own property anywhere and most conventions won't let our kind near them unless you have papers vouching from your spouse. It’s a sexist Universe." she explained.  
"You got the Captain to sign a fake marriage license so you could get in, didn’t you?" he asked.  
"That termite-brain will sign anything if you say you want his autograph. I told him it was for my sister. I don’t even have a sister."  
"So you just found the only Captain dumb enough to not ask for papers, but it only lets you attend if he is on the same planet. Explains why you stick around." he shrugged.  
"No Captain with a working brain would hire the "Furry Bandit", and I'd rather keep moving than have to rent and register. You know how much rentals cost if you have a record?"  
"Valid point. So what now?" he asked.  
"What do you want? I don’t have any money." she sighed.  
"No I wasn’t blackmailing you. I don’t want money; I just want to get you to vouch for me so I can get back in. These wierdos are fascinating and hilarious, and the food is pretty good. I am totally writing a book on this. Delmarian's would have a laughing fit, hairless primates wearing rainbow fur, it's priceless. I'll keep your secret, and as a favor for a friend you can get me back in so I can make fun of humans in pony costumes. You can't get this kind of entertainment on Delmar." he grinned.  
"Only if you Promise not to make another scene and get me kicked out. I don’t need that attention." she said holding out a hoof to shake. He shook it. 

The Captain laid prone, staring at the ceiling as if he was trying to burn a hole in the hull, watching the fan awkwardly spin as his head did the same.  
“So…breakfast?” asked Duffy. He just stared blankly as if he had made a horrible mistake, mostly because he had. “Well, I’m getting breakfast, so if you want anything let me know before I sit down to eat it.” she said standing up, bare-assed naked. He sat up and grabbed her wrist.  
“This never happened.” He said looking both terrified and pale.  
“Like you never woke up with a crewman before.” she scoffed.  
“Duffy…I love your work around here, you fix a mean omelets and you know your way around a shuttle repair…but if you say one word of this to anyone…I will boot you out the airlock. That is not playful dialogue, I will shove you into an airlock and do a flyby of the nearest moon or planet and I will not land, I will hover, and pop the lever and take off. Do you understand me?” he asked.  
“Right…like you could force me into an airlock.” She chuckled. “But seriously it’s not a big deal. I am very discreet, if asked.” she smiled.  
“What about ordered by a superior officer?” he asked bluntly.  
“Lighten up, Lawgman. I wont taint you spotless record of scoring bimbos weighing under a buck 20.” She said. His serious expression yielded a slight smirk. “You're smiling cuz I said taint…aren't you?” she asked.  
“Maybe…yea. Doesn’t matter, business as usual.” He said putting on his pants and jumping as he heard the docking port open and footsteps. He sprinted and dove head-first into his bunk. Uka and Marley entered the ship cautiously and Captain Lawg climbed out pretending to be just waking up…alone. He nervously hopped out and pretended to be startled.  
“Oh hey there, didn’t see you, just taking a nap in my bunk alone by myself as usual without anyone around. I see Duffy just now got back as well, so yea, good timing everyone. So…I’m gonna shower and we can get under-way.” He said, stumbling and falling into some of the party-debris. “Uka…it appears the gaggle of attractive hoes I have brought aboard made a bit of a clutter…can you take care of this?” he asked politely-ish.  
“Yea sure…can I unpack my things first?” she asked suspiciously.  
“Sure. No rush.” He said heading to the shower. Uka and Marley strolled to their bunks and put away the cases, exchanging a smirk or two.  
“I had fun.” She said.  
“Me too, you’re okay for a humanoid, and your friends are entertaining to watch. By the way, the captain is acting pretty weird, that’s not just me, right?” he asked.  
“Oh no, I noticed it. Pretty sure him and Duffy are screwin.” She said peering at the nude Duffy in the kitchen.  
“Oh yea, makes sense now. They are totally screwin.” He grinned.”  
“Well, I better clean up the cans before Captain Lawg loses his good mood.” She said locking her bunk and heading to the back for trash bags. 

The Captain dried off and came out of the shower stall, looking around for Duffy. He spotted her in the den, watching cartoons.  
“Hey, um…sorry I kinda lost it back there. I just have a reputation to uphold and I don’t want the chain of command to break down.” He said.  
“So it has nothing to do with me being fat?” she grinned.  
“Oh absolutely that also. I can’t be seen with anything less than a 9, and I was serious about the airlock thing too. I just wanted to make sure we were cool about this whole…thing.” He said discreetly.  
“Like anyone would care…those two are totally screwin too.” she yawned.  
“Really? Geese, how can you tell?” he asked making a face of disgust.  
“They arrived together, she is smiling for the first time since I’ve known her, and they are wearing the same clothes.” She explained.  
“Maybe they didn’t bring a change.”  
“Awfully big suitcase for having no change of clothes. plus she has hairs all over her. So I think they have their own secret to worry about, probably won't even suspect a thing.”  
“Gross…and I thought I had a lapse in judgment. Slummin with a thick 5 is one thing, at least we are practically the same species. Ugh, I don’t wanna think about them.” he said, waving down the offer of eggs-over-flop with toast and something analogous to ham. It wasn’t ham, but it resembled ham. don’t question it.  
“Space is weird…weird things happen in space.” She said with a mouthful of breakfast and an eyebrow raised. 

“Engines at mark 2, lets get out of this place, bad juju.” Lawg said.  
“Sir, we don’t have a Mark 2 engine, I can just… throttle up, if that’s good enough.” she suggested.  
“And put on some clothes, Captain LaCroix, you’re gonna give the bunny a heart-attack.” He suggested, still awkwardly diverting his eyes and heading to wherever he was dramatically trudging.  
“Yes, Commodore!” she whimsically saluted. He walked past the bunks and stopped, spotting a small tuft of fur left sprinkled on Uka’s bedding.”  
“Don’t even wanna know what is in that suitcase. Damn, woman…thought you had better tastes than that.” he said shaking his head.


	7. Episode 7: Public Fupar

A rather alarmed looking Captain stared at a viewscreen, or rather the lack of one. In the massive gaping hole where the front of the ship should have been was now a rather large gold and red warship. Marley looked up and shuttered a little.   
"Permission to poop a lil?" he requested.   
"Not just yet, Marley…the Captain has the right to do the first panic-shit and I'm not quite there." he said pondering his options. He couldn’t think of any. The coms buzzed and a distorted voice came over the speakers.   
"Unidentified craft, you are entering Delmarian Military space. Turn around or be destroyed." said the voice.   
"Yea, so, here's the thing. We can't actually turn or slow down or do anything. As you have probably notices we are flying, or rather drifting in about 30 percent of a ship." he said as the rather open-layout slab of a ship slowly drifted.   
"How…I don’t understand what I am seeing." said the voice.   
"Long story, but basically we have no roof or walls, or thrusters, half a control panel and are essentially surfing an open-faced sandwich of a ship." he said nervously.   
"How are you breathing?" he asked.   
"Haven't figured that out either. Apparently there is a bubble of survivable air around us and that is as far as we determined. Spent 3 days hunkered in the middle of the ship trying not to go near the sides. Assistance would be pretty sweet. We are wide open to suggestions at this point, force field, teleporters, or shuttle pod…whatever."   
"What exactly happened to your ship?" asked the Delmarian.   
"Well, I'd be happy discussing that on literally any other ship than this one because the ship appears to be slowly dematerializing and our habitable island of refuge is getting small. So how about you teleport us to something with walls and junk, maybe get us some food so we can think properly."   
"You are entering Delmarian space. By every right I have the authority to destroy you and your…part of a ship. Why wouldn’t I just let you dissolve and save ammunition?"   
"Hmmm, was not thinking about that point, that’s a very good question…do you guys got cloaking technology?" Lawg asked. "Would ya like to?" he grinned. 

"Not exactly a warm meal and soft bed is it?" he complained, sitting on a metal shelf in a prison cells, staring at a softball sized wad of raw meat and bone in a metal bowl.   
"I let you live, I gave you protein…start explaining this cloaking technology before I throw you into space." Said the 6 foot tall bunny wielding a rather large rifle and armor painted with what he assumed was the blood of his victims.   
"We found a small ship; it was a one man vessel emitting a strange signature I thought was a stealth drive. Since ours quit working I thought having the means to evade quickly and lose enemies was something we needed. We investigated it, the pilot was dead and the ship pretty damaged so I took the device in the back and some rations and we left. I thought the device looked like a weapon and weapons fetch a good price."  
"The device…what was it?" he asked, stomping closer.   
"I'm getting there, you wanted the story not the ending, let me finish. Shit…do you have any wine, I'm famished?"   
"Wine later." he barked.   
"Got it. So my engineer deduced that this was an experimental cloaking device. We decided to install it and use it. Pretty good way of getting out of trouble."   
"You decided to take unknown alien technology and try to fit an experimental system into your ship? Even I know it would take months of research and testing to adapt alien technology to an incompatible ship, you can't even get a GPS upgrade without an adaptor." chuckled the mongo-rabbit.   
"Well I saw a lot of sci-fi growing up and they made it look easy, any technology can be adapted in like 3 hours and made to work, so maybe I got a little overly optimistic. My bad. So yea, turns out we had no idea how to use it and the USB plugs were all different and we improvised. We found a power supply connector and hooked it to the 110 outlets in the ship. I figured…electricity is electricity anywhere in the universe. Turns out no, not remotely accurate. The thing looked like it was charging, or something. red light kept flashing like my phone does when charging so I left it and went to the kitchen for a burrito."  
"What is a burrito…some kind of weapon?" he asked.   
"Just the red ones, chemical warfare, you wouldn’t understand. Anyway I got a snack and went back and the thing was gone." he said. 

Uka sat in a chair and sighed as a similar mega-bunny stared at her with arms crossed.   
"Yea, he lost the device. Just…gone. How the hell do you lose a one meter square crate with a display panel? It took 3 of us to move it and he lost it by himself. Captain ass-hat at his finest. So naturally he accused us of hiding it. That is when he went through our bunks…like we could hide something that big in a headboard space. And I sort of…punched him in the face." Uka admitted. 

"Right in the face!" Duffy grinned to her interrogator. "It was a hoot." she finished.   
"She struck her Captain and was not executed?" he asked dumbfounded.   
"Um, no…I mean he would have made her scrub the shitters for a week but he wouldn’t fight back or anything. Captain Lawg is not a…strong male." she hinted.   
"So she is now the Captain?" he asked Duffy.   
"No, what? Why?" she asked.   
"If the Captain is not strong, it is the next in line who is responsible for removing him from command." he growled.   
"Damn, Delmarian's have tough rules. So by your rules if I could beat the Captain down I'd get the ship unless someone else could take me down…right?"   
"Correct. A formal challenge is made and if refused, the captain has forfeited all ranks."   
"Nice…so is it a fair fight or are dirty rules cool too like while someone is sleeping you just, grab a pillow and" she said miming the action of smothering someone.   
"Dishonorable killing is punishable by death."  
"Sweet. I should get Captain Lawg to switch to Delmar Law when we get back. Never owned a big ship before. Could be fun" she grinned.

"Why did she strike the Captain?" Barked one of the big Delmarian's to Marley.   
"Because he would have found the pony-suit. She is embarrassed, and rightly so, it's super weird." Marley yawned.  
"What is a pony-suit?" he asked.   
"Okay, apparently humans take this furry stuff and make costumes out of it and pretend to be ponies. Like, for no reason at all. just…dress like ponies and gather together and talk about friendship and imaginary kingdoms. It's fricking hilarious." he snickered.   
"They wear the pelt of these ponies and try to mimic them? Is it for camoflage?" he asked.   
"No it's not a pelt, its artificial fur and so damn colorful you'd have to be on drugs to not see them a mile away. It's just…for fun." Marley grinned.   
"I am confused." said the massive Delmarian.   
"Me too…isn't it great? Humanoids are so weird." he laughed, followed by the guard laughing as well. 

Uka rolled her eyes.   
"Yes, that is the pony suit." she sighed.   
"Did you kill this creature for its pelt?" asked the guard.   
"No, it…it's not a pelt. I made this myself. I cut the material and sewed it. It's my own design.   
"And who was this?" he asked.   
"This one is new, I'm on my 4th one cuz they keep getting ruined at the conventions. Pony's are surprisingly physical." she said. "This one is modeled after Princess sunshine but I call her Dutchess meyhem." she admitted. 

The Captain, wrinkled his nose and wiped the blood from it.   
"I said you could have it, didn’t have to hit me again." he sobbed.  
"Where is the device!?" barked the interrogator.   
"On the ship I think. We never found it. After it vanished and Uka attacked me out of nowhere just for asking about it, I went back to the cargo bay and the cargo bay door was also gone."  
"You would have been sucked out." he argued.   
"Yea, one would think, right, but there it wasn’t…big hole where the door used to be, staring at the stars and fully pressurized. We figured out that the device had cloaked itself and it was dematerializing the ship or something. Like it was phased different, or some stuff, I'm not a scientist, I'm a historian. I know stories and old junk, not phase shifters and disappearing cloaking devices. Anyway we didn’t want to get phased away so we just avoided the cargo bay. Then it started to spread and before long most of the ship was invisible or gone or out of flux or whatever. Can I get like a top-shelf margarita? Heavy lime and no salt, blended not frozen…actually frozen is okay too. No salt." he finished. The interrogator knocked him over with a sudden right hook. 

"I'm gonna die." sighed Uka, as a large bladed weapon was handed to her. She stared down the pit at a 230 pound armored bunny with a similar weapon.   
"Challenge cannot be refused." he growled.   
"Why not? I can't even play badminton!" she protested, running away as he chased her.   
"Some warrior you are." he chuckled, removing his mask and snarling.   
"Who the shit gave you the impression I was a fighter? I suck at this stuff. I don’t even kill space-ants!" she yelled.   
"Wearing the pelt of a fallen enemy is an invocation to challenge!" he said swinging his blade as she ducked.   
"It's freaking polyester!!" she hollered angrily. 

"What? No, the fat one." Captain Lawg muttered through his fat lip. "I said the cute one was kinda useless, the other one is a hell of a melee champion. You people just don’t listen." he said rubbing his jaw.   
"Which one is the warrior!?" he barked. "I wish to speak with the strongest, not you." it roared.   
"Wait…like for real or on the game because none of us really fight except the Wehoo Brawl game. Duffy is unbeatable. You realize that it's a game; we usually just play for snacks and odd cargo or duty roster. You do realize it's a toy?" he asked angrily throwing the game controller aside. 

Uka screamed and ran from the swinging blade.   
"Stop trying to decapitate me, please!" begged Uka, dodging another blade swipe. The crowd became quiet and a bunny in very expensive jewels and gold stood up.   
"Stop the challenge!" he ordered. The bloodthirsty bunny saluted and stopped. "There has been a misunderstanding." he bellowed.   
"Yes, thank you." Uka said dropping to her knees.   
"The one who invoked the right of Fupar is not the child-warrior." he boasted.   
"Hey, I'm not a child." she said getting up and immediately being sat down with a look of aggression.   
"The Fupar they have selected as their champion is the one they call Duffy." he announced as they opened the gate and shoved Duffy into the ring.   
"Shit." Uka sighed.   
"Relax, I got this." Duffy muttered as she passed. 

"No, no, no." Lawg protested. "I didn’t volunteer anyone for combat…what the hell?" he asked the guard as he circled.   
"As Captain of a surrendering vessel, you have the Delmarian right to select your strongest Warrior to fight for your lives. You have selected Duffy. A coward's move but one I am forced to honor." he said spitting at him.   
"No, I said I was surrendering the cloaking thing, not the ship. And you asked if I was the one for melee. Melee is the name of a game, and I said Duffy was unbeatable, I thought you played Wehoo, damnit. It’s a video game where you swing a toy around and I thought you wanted to play for our freedom. I was gonna make a bet. Duffy is a gamer, not a warrior. What is wrong with you Jackelopes?" Lawg yelled.   
"Ah, then you are a man of fortune. A gambling man." smiled the monster.   
"Luck of the Chafee." he said rolling his eyes.   
"If you're champion loses…what will you give me?"   
"Nothing…none of us are fighters. You just started hitting me and talking about presenting the Pelt of challenge and asking who was out strongest warrior. It’s a video game, its just fun. We all suck at fighting. you can have the cloaking thing, you gotta find it first so that is a bummer but when you do…all yours, no hard feelings and for our generous and expensive gift, you don’t kill us and we go the other way, You can have the game console, I'll throw in a crate of spinners for good measure and everybody is happy…right?" he bribed.   
"Duffy will decide your fate." he smiled.   
"Ahhhh, crap, were all gonna die." he sighed, slinking down in his seat. 

"So they start telling me about this rainbow…and telling me it’s a friendship beam, and it defeats the monster with love!" Said Marley, wheezing from his excessive laughter as the guard rolled on the floor.   
"A love-weapon…fake pony costumes…" he wheezed, as he wiped the tears from his eyes and contained his laughter.   
"Yea, just a bunch of them prancing around in costumes, talking about this cartoon they made for children like it’s a real thing." he said sitting back up.   
"You amuse me, runt. I will tell them to spare you even if the Fupar is lost." said the guard. Still chuckling.   
"Whoa, back up there…Who the hell invoked Fupar?" Marley said looking serious.   
"They thought the pony pelt was real, Fupar has already been started.   
"Shit…Lawg cant fight…he'll be dead in 2 minutes or less. Let me talk to the Grand Hopper, I can explain it all."   
"He will understand, but Fupar must be honored, your Captain will have to fight anyway. They have chosen Rydel." he informed.   
"Yea, he is probably already dead." he sighed. 

A tattooed and heavily pierced, 230 pound rabbit bounced off the stone wall and covered his eye as Duffy circled. She smirked at her.   
"What's the matter, fluffers, didn’t get enough Carotene this morning or did I detach a retina on that last one?" she provoked.   
"I consume the flesh of my ene-" he started as she flattened him with another uppercut. Duffy staggered, trying to see over her swollen left cheek.   
"Quit monologing and fight like a man, you oversized stew-meat." she said kicking him in the head as he got back up. 

Marley rushed to the edge of the observation rail.   
"How dead is he?" he asked, locating Uka. She hugged Marley.   
"I haven't seen the Captain, but Duffy has been holding her own against this guy for a while now. I think she is winning." she pointed out.   
"No way…" he said looking over the rail. Duffy had Rydel in a head lock, rubbing his face in the dirt.   
"EAT IT!" she barked angrily until he rolled and dumped her over. Marley made cone with his paws to amplify his voice.   
"It's a fight to the death, you gotta kill him!" he yelled.   
"Oh, damn. Seriously?" she asked, looking shocked as he tackled her. She rolled on top and pinned his paws back. "Sorry about this…but I got my homies counting on me. This isn't personal." she said head-butting him and following with a few wild punches. The crowd cheered and suddenly went quiet. A horrified look appeared on both Marley and Uka.   
"Wow…" she said looking pale. "So that just happened." she said sitting down.   
"Yea, Fupar got invoked, so that was bound to happen to one of them." he shrugged, grabbing a juice-box from his pocket and sipping away.   
"So…I'm just gonna say this aloud to make sure I'm not just seeing things. Duffy just decapitated a Delmarian with his own sword…right?" Uka asked.   
"Yep…Fupar is over. We get to go home and Duffy gets his personal belongings. This is why I left Delmar, this shit happens over the slightest thing. Had a cousin who took a guy's reserved Parking spot…Fupar… had the head stuffed and mounted. My Wife's friend skipped out on the check at Lucky Panda…Fupar. Lost his left paw. They call it a one-armed tip now when someone ditches."  
"Geese…so any dispute you guys have and you just start Fupar-ing to the death?"   
"Basically, I mean you can get away with stuff till you turn ten, mostly just get a few lashes or 6 month's behind bars, but after that…Fupar. Just tons and tons of Fupar for absolutely anything. Can you imagine me in that ring? I'd get quartered in 40 seconds. Little guys like me don’t live that long here. Screw this crap, I'll take my chances with a lovable dipshit and a convertible ice-cream truck." he said finishing his juice.   
"Why are they still chanting FUPAR?" Uka asked.   
"They got like 3 more Fupars scheduled, let's get Duffy and go." he said hopping down and leading her along. 

Captain Lawg sat in his cell and as the door opened he yawned.   
"Did you at least spare the hot one?" he asked.   
"Wouldn’t say "spared" but I'm fine." Duffy said dryly. He turned quickly to notice she was also rather beaten up.   
"I thought you got Fupared?" he asked.   
"Thanks for that, shit-stick. I had to fight a 6 foot were-rabbit with a Tongleth."   
"What's a Tongleth?" Asked Lawg.   
"Four foot long food-processor blade with a handle. Don't worry about me, I Fupar-ed his fluffy ass." she said staggering to the bench to lay down.   
"You look like hell."   
"You know we are on Delmar Prime, right?" she asked.   
"So?" he shrugged.   
"Delmarian battle-ship rules say that of a crewman thinks his Captain is too weak to lead, he or she can just kick his ass purple and they get to be Captain. You sure you wanna tell me how I look right now?" she asked.   
"You look pretty, don’t tell anyone I said that."  
"You look pretty too. I like your eye-shadow." she said giving him the bird.   
"Okay you get one freebie cuz you did the Fabar thing, and that’s it." he muttered. She gave him another bird as the others entered the cell.   
"Ugh, damn, Duffy…you need a doctor." Uka said looking at her eye.   
"Na, I'm fine, ice pack and some rest and I'm good for tomorrow." she brushed it off.   
"Where did you learn to fight?" she asked.   
"Grew up on a starship freighter with 5 brothers and an all-male crew. You learn real quickly when the rations get low who gets seconds and who doesn’t. You get mean or you get hungry." Duffy said nodding slowly.   
"Clearly you were unstoppable, haven't missed a meal in yourlugh" Lawg said getting a light punch to the nuts and rolling off the bench to the concrete floor.   
"Keep yakin, Captain, still on Delmar Prime. Don’t make me Fupar you with a bedpan." she coughed.   
"You seem pretty calm for someone who just killed someone." noted Marley.   
"Freighter fleet runs through the Delmar 2 system, lotta pirates and smugglers around there. You think I haven't Fupar-ed a few in my day?" she yawned, getting comfortable for her nap as the Captain wheezed and stayed in a ball, holding his.   
"Right, moving on. So when do we get our ship back…or what's left of it?" asked Uka as a guard entered the cell.   
"You're ship will be ready to leave in 3 hours." he growled.   
"Why not now?" asked Uka.   
"We are keeping the cloaking device, it will take some time to allow your ship to become visible again so we can find it."  
"Hey, I won the Fupar! You just gonna steal our shit anyway?" barked Duffy.   
"You won the Fupar, so you are free to leave once we have checked your ship for Delmarian goods and technology.   
"Awe man, my stickycakes." said Marley. Duffy looked mad.   
"And I get to keep the dead guy's stuff, so why are you raiding our ship? Don’t make me drag you into the Fupar pit!" she said getting up.   
"I'm sorry, it's not my decision. Your Captain made a bet with the other Captain." he said apologetically. Duffy slowly looked down at Lawg, who was looking rather terrified.   
"You bet against me?" she said looking more sad then angry.   
"Well, I tried to explain the confusion but Fupar can't be stopped once begun even if I explained it. I figured I'd make a little profit, silver lining in a bad situation." he said guarding his nuts and scooting away from Duffy. She looked very sad.   
"You guys didn’t believe in me?" she asked softly.   
"Not remotely." shrugged Marley.   
"The guy was huge, I didn’t know you had combat training." argued Lawg.   
"Damn…guess I'll go collect my winnings by myself." she said moping and shuffling out of the cell.   
"That was harsh." said Uka, jabbing Marley in the side.   
"Oh yea like you would have bet on her." he replied.   
"Actually I lost a hundred credits, didn’t seem right to say it though." she defended.   
"We all really suck, don’t we?" asked Marley.   
"Little bit." nodded Lawg. 

Duffy sat at the picnic table aboard the SS Tast-E-Chill and a smile appeared on her face.  
"You guys…" she said tearing open a gift and looking touched as she removed a very well-made fur-coat.   
"We pooled our spending money and had Rydel's pelt made into something nice for ya." Marley smiled.   
"I figured you would have been against it, being a vegetarian and this sorta being one of your people made into a coat and all." she said hugging him.   
"Na, he was an asshole, beat me up a lot in school." he shrugged.   
"It's beautiful, thank you guys." she said looking less bruised and more filled with warmth.  
"Delmar Prime is like space-vegas…you just leave your bad memories there. No hard feelings." Captain Lawg smiled.   
"So no duct-work duty cleaning out the troogle poop for punching you in the sack?" she asked.   
"Oh you definitely got yourself duct-work cleanup duty, but like…2 shifts if you do a good job." he smirked.   
"Gutsy move." Nodded Marley.   
"Yea, I learned something on planet cotton-tail. You gotta be firm and toughen up to be a captain, especially with a crew this size. After my epic battle in the prison cell I realized that maybe I could use my bravery on deck and take things a bit more serious." he boasted.   
"Didn’t a hundred and ten pound bunny wail on you till you cried?" asked Uka.   
"Insubordination…2 days Ductwork cleanup." he said firmly.   
"Duffy punched you in the balls, plus you owe me a hundred bucks from last week." she reminded.   
"Alright, then we are even?!" he said with a hint of question.   
"Good negotiating work Captain, way to stand firm." she saluted, returning to her post.   
"Negotiation is a form of firmness; a good Captain is both rigid and willing to listen to his crew. Everybody back to stations, we have work to do." he said with a look of determination as he shifted and the sound of gears grinding made his expression fade to one of uncertainty.   
"Parking brake is on." Uka noted, putting her feet up on the console.   
"Touché, Tast-E-Chill, Touché." he said nodding his respects and pulling the lever.   
"Aaaand that's the wipers." Uka yawned.


	8. Episode 8: Espionage and gay robots

Captain Lawg sat at the bar, watching various women and observing them as they dismissed his glances and left. His mojo was on empty, and he wasn’t spotting any 8's or higher that seemed interested. He spotted a cute little green number sitting alone and made his way to her table with a fruity drink. Just as he began to enter personal conversation range, a rather well-built black man swooped in and sat down, appearing to have just returned from the bathroom or somewhere. Lawg spun and dodged the stranger, pretending to be dancing, and pretending poorly. For the sake of cover, he approached a rather unsightly species of female and handed her the drink.   
"Oh hello, what's-" she started  
"My name is not important." Lawg muttered under his breath.   
"Oh, how mysterious." said the unsightly rando.   
"Listen carefully. I am on an important mission which I cannot discuss and I am undercover. I am improvising here, so just pretend to be dancing with me and take the free drink." he said faking a big smile and looking obvious.   
"Really? Are you a spy?" asked the desperate and gullible alien   
"You could say there is some spying going on, sure. Just follow my lead." he said badly dancing and guiding her around as a blocker.   
"So if this is spy work, then you really don’t want to talk to me, do you?"  
"Not remotely." he said poking his head up to see over her shoulder and being more obvious.   
"Then what reason do I have to play along?" she asked dryly.   
"Free drink and 20 credits cash." he replied  
"Okay!" she said suddenly dancing badly with him. "So what is the mission?" she asked.   
"Find and eliminate target." he said squinting at the tall dark stranger.   
"Exciting…is he a spy too?" she asked,   
"Sure." he nodded, dialing up his earpiece. 

The dark stranger smiled and puffed on his e-cigarette, talking to the attractive green girl at the table. Lawg couldn’t make out any words, but he could tell they were chatting. 

"So, do you have the package or not?" The strange man asked, getting his attention. She slid him something under the napkin and he discreetly slid her a roll of credits. "Thank you, much obliged." he suspiciously said, standing up. Lawg listened carefully for his moment to swoop in.   
"So do you work here in Las Vega?" asked the annoying dance partner.   
"No, I'm a captain, I live on the ship." he muttered.   
"I thought you were a spy." she said raising an eyebrow.   
"I said I was spying, captains can spy. I could be a spy and a captain" he said suddenly breaking off the dance and placing a 20 in her hand and downing her beverage.   
"Hey, asshole. You promised me free 20 AND free drinks!"   
"There is your 20, go get your free drinks." he dodged, sitting down across from the sexy little green gal. "Well hello there, beautiful…you wanna go for a cruise?" he grinned.   
"No, I don’t." she said standing up and walking off. He looked perplexed, following her as she left the place.   
"Hey, wait…I think we got off on the wrong side of the shoe." he said swiping a random drink from the counter as he left.   
"What does that mean, and why are you following me?" she asked, looking aggressive.   
"It's an old Earth expression, never mind. The point is I will leave you alone, just hear me out, and give me 3 sentences before you make your decision." he proposed.   
"You got 2." she said crossing her arms.   
"Okay… you are the most beautiful thing I have seen all week in my relentless search for beautiful things and I would love to take you to dinner or buy you a drink. secondly, I am a Captain, I have my own ship, so that is a notable point." he said waiting for the reply.   
"Interesting…go away." she said turning and walking casually.   
"Damn…should have negotiated another sentence, could have sealed the deal with the hot-tub…" he pondered. "I HAVE A HOT-TUB!!!" he bellowed. No response. He stood, confused at his massive miss and wondering what he did wrong.   
"A ship you say?" said a deep masculine voice from behind him. He turned to see the same dark-skinned individual that blocked him earlier.   
"You got the wrong idea, buddy. I don’t fly that rout." he said looking nervous.   
"And you got the wrong idea regarding my interest. Roy D is the name. I'm not interested in you…just your ship, specifically where it goes. I need a ride to the next station and I can pay." he informed.   
"Absolutely not." said the Captain. Roy handed him 300 credits and his look of alarm turned to cheerful. "We depart tomorrow at noon, so don’t be late. Pleasure doing business with you." he smiled, handing him a card, returning to the bar for space-poon.

You gave your parking receipt to a stranger?" Uka asked the Captain with a look of exhaustion. Marley hopped down from his chair and approached.   
"That is a bad idea Lawg." he muttered.  
"Well…he needed to know what ship to go to. I didn’t have paper and pen handy so I gave him the stub, so what?" Lawg asked.   
"You realize he could have just handed that to the desk clerk and got right on the ship, right? Moreover, if none of us were on the ship, he could have stolen it. You do grasp why that is the dumbest thing you have done since you tried to weaponize the toaster?" asked Uka.   
"Toast-inator almost worked. Also…he paid 300 credits. All we gotta do is tolerate him for 2 days tops and drop him off at Theta Station 33, which we were going to already. What is the big deal?" asked Lawg.   
"The big deal?!?" barked Uka. "You just invited a stranger to our ship, we have no idea who he is, and it's a terrible idea to just be letting hitchhikers tag along on a whim over a few hundred credits!" she hollered as Roy showed up and she caught a glimpse of him. He smiled slightly as he flexed his chiseled arms.   
"Hi, I'm Roy. Supposed to be here at noon." he smiled with a gleam. Uka's eyes got bigger then usual.   
"Right this way sir." she giggled. "You can have my bunk, I'll sleep…somewhere, it doesn’t matter. Let me get your bags." she said almost drooling. Lawg stood looking jealous as Duffy approached. Marley looked confused.   
"That was weird…she sure changed her tune…is it mating season for humanoids?" he asked.   
"It is now." smirked Duffy. Lawg elbowed her and she elbowed him back, almost dropping him. Lawg wheezed and looked mad.  
"Come on, he's not THAT great looking. That dumb little pink Mohawk tells the story, plus he was flirting with me at the bar." Lawg explained.   
"So…you invited him to the ship because you want to expand your options?" Duffy asked, half joking.   
"Oh very funny. Three hundred credits is why he is here. We're giving him a lift and that's it. It's quick money for nothing." he protested.   
"I'm just busting your twig, Lawg." Duffy joked. "But seriously though, I think Uka may go with him when he goes. Never seen her interested in anyone before. I assumed she was a lesbian." she shrugged. Lawg nodded.   
"Yea, when the old Lawg charm didn’t work, I assumed the same thing. Maybe she just wants what she can't have, first the handsomely rugged captain until I flirted back of course, and now the gay drifter. Poor confused little lady." he shook his head.   
"Why do we think he is gay?" asked Marley.   
"It's obvious." said Lawg. "That tight shirt and the way he moves is just oddly feminine, the pink Mohawk, those ridiculously stylish sunglasses, and that whole bad-boy act that is clearly compensating." he pointed out as Marley just agreed.   
"You must be joking. He's not gay." said Duffy. "So he has pink hair, neon is trendy in this sector, maybe he's just stylish. The tight clothes are probably to show off his bod, I mean…he is basically a marble statue of human perfection." she admitted. The Captain looked appalled.   
"You too?" he asked.   
"Yea right, like he would want the butch mechanic over Uka, but still, I'm gonna make a move later after I clean up. Whippin up the old Duffy breakfast special manuver." she said looking sinister.   
"You're gonna drug him?" asked Marley.   
"No… pancakes! Damn, give a girl some credit. Fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach…his chiseled, probably freshly waxed stomach."   
"Damn Duffy, professional conduct on the bridge, Captain's orders." Lawg said to no effect.   
"Hey, you brought the beef onboard…don’t get mad when the ladies get's a little hungry." she said heading to the kitchen to find her recipe book. Lawg tossed his arms up in total disbelief. He stood there arms crossed next to Marley.   
"I don’t get it. I put out the vibe…I own a friggin starship…what gives? I work out, I bathe regularly, only person to flirt with me is the gay dude. I'm a prime example of manly stability…right?" he asked Marley.   
"Sir, for the record, I am not the one to be asking here…I should point out that I am a straight, unhappily married Delmarian…or what you so often refer to as a space-bunny…so I'm not sure what response you expect." he defended.   
"Nothing." he sighed. "Just talking to myself and looking for support from the only crewmember that seems to grasp my awesomeness."   
"I am sure regarding your species' standards you are a beautiful male of high desirability, but I have launch-checks to prep for and I simply don’t care about this." he said dryly waddling away, checking his scanner for the checklist.   
"You're right, little buddy…I am a beautiful specimen…just out of practice, little rusty. Just gotta burn out the cobwebs and get back into the game…" he said looking determined. "We'll see who the alpha male is around here." 

Roy stood, holding a rather huge barbell in one hand as the skinny, shirtless Captain wheezed frantically on the floor next to the cargo weight-bench.   
"Good thing I came to check on my bike, you could have been killed." Roy said casually laying the barbell on the ground with one arm, as the Captain rubbed his sore arm and lifted the toppled weight-bench back to its upright position.   
"No, it's just…old injury. Spaceball-league ultimate manly man-fighting championship of masculinity." he said bluffing under his breath to mask the pain.   
"Sounds pretty gay." Roy muttered.   
"It wasn’t…it was full of testosteronely masculine…just drop it." he grunted.   
"I'm just playing with you. However, you can't be lifting without a spotter. Even medium setting can be dangerous, as we now know. Two hundred pounds is a lot for a guy your size." he said one-handed placing it back on the bench and turning off the gravity switch.   
"I just happen to still be sore from unloading our last cargo. Pulled a muscle."   
"No you didn’t…probably have now." Roy smirked.   
"Alright, tough guy…what is your story?" he said getting puffed up.   
"Define story, how far back you wanna go?" he said sitting down.   
"This whole…tough guy act. You roll up in a badass space-bike, you never take off your sunglasses even indoors, and you strut in like some Alpha-duck and make me look bad in front of my crew. Get your shoes off, were gonna fight." he said kicking off his boots and talking a comically poor tough-guy stance.   
"Wow, you really must have a thing for her, don’t ya?" he said looking surprised.   
"Like hell, Duffy is nowhere near my level." he said throwing a proactive air-punch.   
"Let's be real here. We're not talking about Duffy. Little guy like you would get killed in a fight with me and you know it…so clearly you are thinking with something besides your brain. I'm talking about the little blue-haired lady that has followed me around like a pet and sent you into showboat mode ever since." Roy leveled.  
"Nah, Uka is just a crewman." he shrugged.   
"Come on, Captain…we both know that’s a load of crap you can't shovel…or lift. Your blood pressure is elevated, you have a jealous rage to you that I saw at the bar and again when she ignored you for me. It's not difficult to detect, but you have nothing to worry about. I'm not interested."   
"I knew it…you're one of those fancy guys." Lawg smirked.   
"If by fancy you mean artificial, then yes I am." he said   
"You're a clone?" he asked.   
"What? No. Clone? Are you serious with that sci-fi nonsense? I can read your blood pressure from 6 feet away, super-strong, and I ride a bike in space with no suit or helmet…and you got clone out of that. Not Android?" he said shaking his head. "My damn name is Andy Roy-D, says on the bike's plates." he noted.  
"You're a robot…it makes perfect sense now." he said with epiphany-face.   
"Now you get it." he smiled.  
"And Uka is attracted to you because she can't have you… Because you are a gay-robot. Typical women wanting what's most unavailable." he said looking more comfortable. Roy blinked a few times.   
"Gender preference is a bit irrelevant when you don’t have anatomical needs, or the ability to get dirty. Kinda hard to be gay too when you are a robot, isn't it?" he hinted.   
"I don’t know, I imagine so, its tough enough in this universe just being gay, I can't imagine your situation. I feel bad for ya, must be difficult to find other male robots, let alone gay ones." he sighed. "Anyway just wash your hands. I don’t know if robot gay is as contagious as normal gay, but I'm not a risk taker... or a gay."   
"Wow…seriously?" he asked with a rhetorical disbelief.   
"I don’t know…wait…what?" asked the confused Captain.   
"You know…don’t even worry about it. I'm a gay robot…apparently. Whatever makes you feel comfortable." he said patting him on the head as he trudged off to check his bike. 

Lawg stood proudly, giving Duffy a look of triumph.   
"Yep…called it…gay robot." Captain Lawg said with a smile, now renewed in his own alpha-status. Duffy looked skeptical.   
"Can a robot even be gay? I mean…they probably don’t even come standard with genitals unless he was a sex-matron or something. That would be obvious, they don’t make those with personality chips…or faces… usually. I wouldn’t know." she noted.   
"I don’t know the details, but rest assure, there is no problem anymore. He doesn’t like women, and he won't be after me because I'm not a robot…the universe solves its own problems once again. 300 free credits and smooth sailing." he smiled as a sudden shutter rocked the ship, sounding like weapon fire.   
"Smooth as bark, Lawg." said Duffy. "Someone is shooting at us and we have no weapons…why didn’t the alarm go off…?" she paused. "You unscrewed the proximity alarm light to replace the fridge bulb again, did you?" she said looking pissed.   
"Nn…no." he lied suspiciously, rushing to his stations. "Fire the heat-seeker!" he ordered. Marley hopped into position for evasive steering.   
"Cant…we used that on the evil shrimp last month." he reminded.   
"Damn shrimp." he said dramatically shaking his fist.   
"What the hell was that…you trying to lift weights again?" asked Roy.   
"Nothing to worry about, just your regular ol' weapon's fire." shrugged Lawg.   
"How often do people shoot at you? No, don’t answer that, I don’t wanna know." Roy said running to a terminal and putting his hand on it.   
"Hey, hands off the weaponry controls." barked Lawg.   
"You got no damn weapons! What could I possibly hurt?" he barked back.   
"Touché… as you were." he squinted.   
"So, this ship has nothing…stealth drive offline, no cloak, no guns, and one empty missile tube…did you lose a bet to end up with this shit-heap?" he asked.   
"Hey! The SS Tast-E-Chill is a historical relic and a damn good ship, not a world war-craft, or even an updated star-craft. She wasn’t designed to fight, only to deliver sweet goodness to all the children of the galaxy. She carries love, not war…sweet sugary, frozen love." he said almost in tears.   
"Man, I have no idea what you are talking about but it's creeping me out and I don’t care. Fact is we have a Delmarian fighter on our ass and he is hailing us. I can get us out of this but you gotta trust me." he said.   
"Do we have a third option, aside from trust a gay-robot with my ship or be shot to pieces by space-bunnies?" he asked hesitantly.   
"Nope." Roy said calmly.   
"Well shit-pickle." Lawg muttered. "Do whatever it is you do then." 

"Captain Lawg sat silently with his head down as 3 armed Delmarian warriors boarded the ship, and the crew of the Tast-E-Chill stared at the barrel of a Delmarian gun.   
"So as you can see…" explained Roy. "This ship is not even worth stealing, so how about we just go our separate ways and you take a crate of Orangelo liquor for the trouble." he suggested.   
"This ship is supposed to have Frozen Dairy aboard. This is not a cargo vessel!" said the lead rabbit, angrily flaring his ears up.  
"Look, I'm just gonna level with ya. This aint my ship or crew, I'm just riding with them to the next base so how about you just let me go and I'll show you where the Captain keeps the valuables." he said as the women looked shocked and betrayed.   
"Okay, we will accept the valuables…do you object to us killing the crew?" asked the leader.   
"I'd wait till you get the stuff from the safes in case they have a safe password…unless you wanna just assume everything is just "password". After that I really don’t care." he shrugged   
"You man-toaster-loving man-toaster!" barked Lawg as the armed guard stuffed a rag in his mouth.   
"And what about the bike in the cargo hold?" asked the lead bunny.   
"That's mine, so it doesn’t go with the rest." he said looking irritated.   
"And what If that is the valuable item I want?" he smiled with a yellow-toothed grin.   
"Shit…I need to get a cover for that thing." Roy sighed, kicking the lead bunny and disarming him. He turned and placed 2 rounds in the guard's back before aiming at the last one and raising the guard's gun to his accomplice. "Now we got a new situation. The bike is not for grabs but the other take just doubled." he smiled.   
"What do you mean?" asked the new lead-bunny, cocking the gun.   
"I mean the cargo just doubled because you got a 2 way split instead of 4. Cuz I shot 2 of you. Nobody pays attention. So you wanna be a smart bunny and take the deal, leave my bike alone, and let me go…or do we have a problem?" he asked.   
"Deal." it nodded.   
"Good, now can you hand me my keys so I can go?" he asked. The bunny turned and looked for the keys. As the second turned his head, Roy fired one shot into each and quickly gathered the guns, handing them to the crew. Captain Lawg pointed the gun at him and looked as if he was about to quote a western, creating a tension in the air as an ominous western whistle in the background distracted Marley.  
"Where did the music come from?" Marley asked quietly. "We need to get the coms fixed." 

"What the hell, Lawg?" asked a very casual Roy, crossing his arms.  
"Now I have the gun, and I make the rules." he growled.   
"You dumbass, I just saved the ship and shot all the car-jack-rabbits. Why are you pointing at me?"   
"I heard your plan, leave us to die and save yourself." he said angrily.   
"That was just a distraction. I can only shoot two people at once and he had a gun on you. I bluffed them the whole time you brick-headed lunatic. Why would I give you the gun if I was on their side?" he asked.   
"That is a good point. Why would you risk your life for us?" he asked.   
"I'm a damn robot, I didn’t risk shit. I could have taken 20 shots from these guns and been just fine. Minor repairs. Only part of me that isn't titanium reinforced is my damn aftermarket aluminum ankles. I didn’t want anyone shooting the crew or my bike, so I took a gamble. That bike is more expensive than I am. I'm a model 33." he explained. Duffy chucked to herself. Lawg gave her a look of confusion so she stifled her chuckling.   
"Magic Model 33, I thought I recognized the model. He's a Dance-bot." she cackled.   
"An upgraded Dance-bot, thank you very much!" he corrected.   
"Wait…what is a dance-bot?" asked Lawg. Roy looked like he had been put under spotlight. The lights flickered from the shootout, placing a convenient spotlight on Roy.  
"The Magic Model company ran the stage and choreography business for like 10 years. Every pop-star in the galaxy went through MM and they found out that they could retrofit the old combat android 33's that the military decommissioned. The Combat Android 33's were designed to be sparring robots for troops to train on so we were made to move and move well. Moreover, the cheap-ass ankles made us targets for the sparring soldiers and then they kept trying to trip everybody on the battlefield. Big lawsuit, lotta deaths. They re-programmed us as choreography drones for the pop-stars because we cost less then hiring actual dancers and we never forget a move, plus it's not like anyone at a concert is gonna shoot you in the ankles. I was worn out, so they threw me out, forgot to turn off my hard-drive first, so I just walked away before the trash truck came. I got some aftermarket combat programs re-installed in case they came looking for me and I am in the process of upgrading my drivers so I can make a life for myself." he finished as Duffy snickered.   
"So you are a sparring robot, re-programmed to be a dancer, and reprogrammed again to be a sparring robot again?" asked Duffy.   
"Basically. I liked the Dancing gig so I kept both. That flash-drive I bought at the bar…was a hacked mod boot-up to let me keep both my programs." he explained.   
"Then why the secrecy?" asked Lawg, putting down the gun.   
"It’s a pirated version…I bought it off some space-pirates a week ago and made the drop today. Until I wipe the security codes, I'm a wanted mandroid." he said adjusting his shaded.   
"Oh come on, Illegal downloads are a minor offence. They would just fine you a few credits and let you go." Lawg said skeptically.   
"Sure…if you are biological. They crack down on you if you are a robot. Illegal piracy is a deleting offence for a defective dance-bot. The pop-music industry takes its piracy very serious in this sector." he explained. Marley climbed the table and checked the back of his neck.   
"Yep…it’s a USB7, that’s a problem. Anything old enough to have those ports is really too outdated to handle the cracked software encryption. Gotta do it manually. I can whip something up that'll bypass the copyright signal. Give me like 2 hours, I'll patch something together." Marley said   
"Really? You'd do that for me?" he asked.   
"Sure, technically with the codes you'd be our property anyway so they couldn’t confiscate you without our permission as long as you stayed with us. We could use an android with combat files and you could use the cover." suggested Marley. Uka cleared her throat.   
"Wait…is anyone else really uncomfortable with this subject?" she asked "…a white Captain exploiting a legal loophole to own a black android as property?" she asked. Marleuy broke the silence.   
"I vote we immediately dodge the uncomfortable topic before we offend anyone and just pretend we didn’t point that out. Then, assuming any outsider skipped that part, he is just one of the crew and we narrowly avoided a very dark and ironic subject that would probably be overanalyzed and mistaken for racism, otherwise driving us away from a lighthearted and generally relaxed existence." said Marley, ignorantly raising his hand as if to vote. Everyone casually shrugged and muttered in agreement as Uka threw her arms out in frustration and walked away. Roy seemed fine with it. "So I guess let's welcome Roy as our newest crewman and weapon-specialist." said Marley, followed by several awkward cheers and handshakes. Lawg leaned in mid-shake as if to challenge.   
"Just don’t make yourself competition. I have a standing reputation as the Alpha-duck in this sector and I don’t take well to competition. Can you promise me you won't block me again like you did in the bar?" asked Lawg, raising his rifle just slightly.   
"Did you really miss that whole conversation about how the woman you were after was actually a pirate and just selling me activation codes…and the other part about me being an android…a re-programmed dance-bot that wouldn’t even have genitals?" he reminded.   
"Oh, right…I got distracted by the tech stuff." said Lawg, scratching his head.  
"You might look into upgrading your own RAM too, I think you may be running software more defective than anyone." Marley said peering into his eyes like he was looking for something way down in there that resembled life. Lawg stepped closer with an intimidation stance.   
"I don’t quite get what you are implying, so I'll just be blunt with you. I don’t care of you are a gay, black, neutered or android, as long as you and I are on the same page that I don’t swing that way, and you can control yourself, we can be friend." he said firmly.   
"Seriously?" he asked dryly as if realizing the argument was in a hopeless loop of stupidity and contradiction. "Fine, you have my word as a gay robot that I'll control myself. You're not even my type…cuz I only like gay robots." He nodded, just to move the plot forward. The captain smiled and shook his hand. He suddenly walked away, took the helm and Roy stood there with Marley just shaking his head slowly.   
"Your Captain is a complete idiot…isn't he?" Roy asked.   
"Oh yea, dense as a lead ingot." Marley yawned.   
"He does understand that you can't have a gender preference without gender…right?" asked Roy.  
"Nope…probably better if you just don’t explain it to him. He has enough difficulty just remembering to remove the parking break. He managed to get a landing gear stuck in the hull last week, had to cut it out with a torch, took 6 hours."   
"I thought these dairy-haulers didn’t have landing gear." he said looking perplexed.   
"They don't. That’s what makes it so spectacularly stupid. Never underestimate the truly mind-numbing capacity for that man to screw up anything…and then immediately get so insanely lucky to negate the problem he just created. Welcome to the SS Tast-E-Chill, where space is weird and weird shit happens in space." Marley said with ears drooping as if to give a moment of silence to intelligent potential long deceased.   
"Well, you did get pretty lucky. If I hadn't showed up you would have probably all died." he smirked.   
"Na, their guns would have backfired or something. He is basically invincible due to the sheer level of impossible fortune that Chaffee's seem to have. Pretty ironic, since they have almost gone extinct from being so dumb." Marley yawned.   
"So what is that blue-haired chick so pissed about? I don’t take up a bunk, or food or water, or oxygen so you gained a crewman at no cost, an android capable of reducing the workload and requiring no significant cut of the resources, plus whatever weaponry we can scavenge off a Delmarian Fighter craft, and you dodged certain death without an injury. I'd call that a good day." Roy noted.   
"I dunno. She is mad a lot. I think everyone else is psyched about having a robot and she is mad because you don’t have functional pants-parts. I think it's mating season for her species and…well, you met the captain so even she has standards." he said, hopping off the table.   
"That poor humanoid, girl. What species is she exactly?" he asked.   
"You know…I keep wondering that myself, but we never seem to get anywhere with that question… it's like every time I want to ask, we get side-tracked." he said scratching his furry head.   
"Well…I'm gonna work on my bike. Maybe Duffy can help me figure out why the radio won't work." said Roy.  
"I mean, you are riding a bike in the vacuum of space. That might be the problem; I'd guess the radio requires a helmet and suit to make that whole thing functional. Then again she got the external ice-cream jingle speaker working fine, so what do I know?" he shrugged, heading to his bunk for a soda and a nap.   
"Well…this is an interesting bunch of weirdoes…beats getting my hard-drive formatted though." Roy said making his way to the corpses, heading to the air lock with the dead bodies trailing by the ears. He pressed the button and de-pressurized. "Overall, not a terrible evening." he smiled as the 4 furry corpses frosted over and silently drifted away. He began whistling and shuffling a little number as he went.


	9. Episode 9: Decisions and Upgrades

"I'm gonna kill him." Uka said stomping to the den.   
"The robot?" asked Lawg.   
"Yes, the damn robot." she barked.   
"I think technically you can't because he is artificial. He'd have to be alive before you killed him. You could shut him down." yawned Marley, entering the conversation with a bowl of cereal.   
"You shut up." she growled.   
"Hey, I'm trying to fix him. He's an older model, do you know what happens to a hard drive when you design it 30 years ago and try to update it to modern drivers after being intended for combat, then reprogrammed for dancing, then reprogrammed for combat. The operating system is all solid state, its not designed to be re-written, let alone over and over. It’s a miracle he even functions at all." he protested.   
"All he does is sing and dance, and then power down because he overheated. All he is good for is hand-to-hand combat and when we aren't being attacked, I have to listen to him recite show-tunes, and if we ever need him to kill something…he'll probably be overheated and shut-down." she barked, motioning to the very quiet android, slumped in mid jazz-hands near the airlock. Lawg peered up in thought. Shallow thought.   
"Well, that's what you get with a gay robot…showtunes and drama. You add defective and you have random shutdowns and constant re-boots. What am I supposed to do?" asked Lawg, enjoying a bite of his candy bar sundae.   
"If fluff-dexter doesn’t find a replacement part to fix him, I'm gonna have a meltdown of my own and reboot everyone." she growled.   
"You really need to get laid more." Lawg muttered. Marley sighed in frustration.  
"I can't fix him with toothpicks and glue you know. We have been scavenging the debris field for 3 days and all I got is junk. I can't adapt ancient technology." Marley defended. "So unless you can find something made this century with solid-state hardware above 800 terraflops, I got nothing." said Marley, throwing his last attempt at a solution across the room. They felt the slight shutter of the shuttle craft docking, Duffy returning with either a good find or good reason to stop looking. "So if you wanna stop complaining for a minute, you can help me dig through the junk Duffy just spent 4 hours scavenging and pray for a piece of modern tech." he said shuffling to the cargo bay. 

"The hell is it?" Marley asked, getting nose-to-nose with an odd bit of alien tech, resembling a baseball-sized sphere with a tail of wires leading from it. He waved the scanner and looked shocked.   
"Haooooowly jackpot." he muttered.   
"Good find? Think it's got enough memory or ram or whatever you need?" asked Duffy.  
Well, I needed 30 percent more than we currently had, this scans shows whatever this is could store about 600 robots and have room for my DVD collection in 30 million P quality. Whatever this is…its more advanced than anything I've ever seen…and it's super old. Where did you find it?" he asked.  
"It sort of…found me." she explained. The bunny's eyebrow rose slowly as he turned with a concerned look.   
"Oh do elaborate on that little alarming bit." Marley asked.   
"Well, I got a signal that looked like a distress beacon from an old G2 class ship like the one I was stationed on before the SS shuttle pod. When I found it, it was drifting in my direction and it practically floated right to the shuttle grappler." she explained.  
"A distress beacon wouldn’t have this kind of alien tech. Even a G2 doesn’t have this stuff. Maybe it’s a backup computer for the entire second ship with a distress beacon built in…like a black box with all the ship's logs on it." Marley pondered.   
"We have too many logs on this ship already. The Captain thinks he may have caught Deliria flu from that space-hooker last week, so he has been keeping a book on his bowel regularity." Duffy noted.  
"So…He keeps a Captains log, logging Captain Lawg's Captain-logs?" asked Marley.   
"Yep, that's a thing now. So we gonna upgrade the robot or what?" she asked.   
"This is unknown alien tech, far more advanced than anything I have ever even heard of existing, full of information I can't decrypt that could be literally anything and I am far from qualified to swap memory sticks without a manual."  
"So no." she shrugged.   
"No, I'll totally still do it, I'll just have to guess a bunch and if anything goes wrong you will back me up that the robot was already like that and I, in no way made it worse. See, if I explain this to Lawg, he'll just tell me to do it anyway because the universe provided and you can't live in the "what if" or some shit, and if I tell Uka, she will get mad and hit me. So if it fries the robot or something…he was totally gonna do that anyway and I just didn’t get the parts in time, right?" he asked.   
"Good enough, plug him in." she nodded, grabbing her tools. 

Uka hugged Marley, squeezing him uncomfortably tight.   
"Knock it off." he wheezed.   
"I'm just so glad you deleted the songs. Its one thing to prance around all the time but the singing was making me…" she paused.   
"Homicidal?" asked Marley.   
"I was gonna say irritable."   
"Well, some of the files got corrupted, I had to dump anything non-essential into deep storage, and you would be shocked how much crappy music he had on file. Some of it was encrypted but I killed the favorites list. I couldn’t delete anything from the dancing subroutines because it could affect his movement, but now he has an abundance of extra memory and RAM like you wouldn’t believe, so he should be able to run without overheating and we won't have to swap files around for space anymore." he assured.   
"How did you change his eyes?" she asked. Marley looked confused as he paused and looked back.   
"I didn’t touch the eyes; all I did was an ugly soldering job to connect a new motherboard, all back-panel stuff." he said looking curious.   
"Well, the eyes are blue now instead of red." she noted, pointing to him and realizing they were still red.   
"Is your species colorblind or something?"   
"No." Uka said squinting at Roy on the charger. "I swear they were just blue."   
"Maybe he has a different mode for running scans, they're red now…like always." he shrugged. "I think Blue is combat mode."   
"Yea…like always." she said nervously. Suddenly, the ABC song began playing a half step out of pitch. They rushed to the bridge to see the front glass completely purple. Every square inch of the ship's view was now showing the hull of an alien ship.   
"Lawg, what am I looking at?" asked Uka as the crew stood in amazement. Marley hit his scanner.   
"According this thingy here with the blinking light…it's abandoned. No life signs, but the ship is massive. scanner shows the ship is made of over 9000 different unknown elements, all better in every way to the ones we know, a ship so advanced that we couldn’t possibly understand it, but the scanner also shows it has been drifting for 49.7 quadrillion years." he said solemnly.   
"You can tell all that from a 40 dollar scanner you got at computer-shack?" asked Uka. Marley smirked.   
"Hell no, I made most of that up. You people really don’t understand how scanners work, do you? It’s a hand-held device. It's impossible to get that much unknown data on an unknown ship with just a scan. A damn R and D team couldn't tell you that with a year and a crew of 50. This isn't even my scanner, it's on the couch; I'm just collecting pocket monsters on my game-buddy color. The damn icecream ship has automatic scanners that are more sophisticated" he yawned.   
"So what can we find out from those scanners?" asked the Captain.   
"Not much: relative size, hull temperature. You can't expect any real data unless you board." he said sitting down. "And since I don’t have an EV suit in my size, I guess that's a job for someone else." he said with a grin. 

Marley stood trembling as he looked around, feeling very naked and exposed as he carefully walked the hull, no suit on him, just a faint yellow glow over his shape.   
"You guys really suck." he complained.   
"Hey, we had to find out of the environmental boots worked. Nobody else can fit in those vent holes and you have avoided 5 space-walks so far." Said Lawg over the coms.   
"I had a legitimate reason!" he barked, climbing in the vent. "Hey…if this is just a pair of boots that creates an environment around me…what happens if I get poked on something sharp? Does it cut the imaginary suit and deflate or does it act like a rigid shield? Or does it conform around it and just stab me with an energy-coated piece of sheet metal?" he said with a worried tone. "This is just a stupid idea, why not just make suits? It can't be an advantage to have a flimsy energy shield, it's like someone was too lazy to draw up a suit so they plot-filled some stupid yellow boots!"   
"Stop over-thinking it." suggested Lawg as he watched on the tablet he had suction-cupped to the side of the hot-tub. Uka and Duffy passed around the snacks.   
"What is that sound?" asked Marley. Lawg looked suspicious.  
"That's just static on our end, don’t worry about it." Lawg yawned.   
"You're in the damn hot-tub aren't you?" he hollered.   
"No." he bluffed, cracking open a beer.   
"I can hear the freaking foot-bubbler running. Don’t feed me a line of shit, Lawg."  
"Alright, so why does it matter?" he asked. Sipping the foam before it overflowed.   
"It’s the idea. You three are soaking in a warm Jacuzzi, drinking and getting your feet bubbled while I walk around the hull of an alien ship with a defective robot and suit made of glitter and lazy plot-magic. What if this thing just loses power for a millisecond? This is a terrible technology to put your life into, you can't even tape it if it gets a hole. Does it run on batteries? How long does it hold a charge?" he asked as Lawg sunk down in his seat.   
"It's fine, I used it that one time for like…an hour or longer. Seemed fine."   
"Did you charge it after?" Marley asked. Lawg looked suspicious.   
"Yes."  
"Really…how did you charge it? Did the crate we found it in have a charger or did the Ontarian Federal Government just have a 110 adaptor handy?" he asked.   
"Yep." he said handing the tablet to Uka.   
"So aside from that…what do you see?" anything interesting on the scanner?"   
"It’s a big ship, really poor design. Its like, mostly just open space and visually impressive organic structures. Doesn’t seem like a good design for a ship unless it was made just to look cool." he commented. "I'm gonna try another room. Door looks locked but there is a panel. I'm gonna use my universal key." he said. The girls looked confused, staring at Lawg as if to ask "do we have those?" followed by a loud pop on the tablet.   
"Worked." he said lowering his pistol. Duffy smirked.  
"Amazing how no matter what civilization makes a door and no matter what mechanism is used to close and lock it…shooting the panel always seems to open it." she said, opening a bag of cheeze poofs. 

"I think I found the one console that controls the entire ship." said Roy, finally finishing his reboot scan and breaking his awkward silence.   
"Oh good, you are awake. Are you sure this is the control panel?" asked Marley.   
"Of course. It’s a big panel in the middle of a room so it's obviously the main thingy." Roy explained  
"Is it written in English?" asked Lawg  
"No, but it looks pretty typical. It’s the same big flat keyboard with 200 unmarked buttons you find on almost all alien ships. There is a good chance I can deduce from its grid-like randomness what single button does the thing we want it to do." Marley informed. "Oh no…we're in trouble." he added.   
"What? Why?" asked Lawg.   
"This isn't your universal 200 identical button panel…there are 210 buttons on this one, and only 12 blinky lights instead of 14." he gasped. Lawg's eyes got big.   
"What sort of strange alien race would do such a thing? Can you figure out in a timely manner what the extra 10 blank keys and missing 2 lights do and how it affects the ship?"   
"I can, but I'll have to scan some more." he said putting the scanner on a little tripod and leaving it. The robot looked at him with a perplexed look. Marley shrugged "What? It’s a scanner, it scans. It only has 4 buttons so why do I need to stand there and hold it. It'll do its thing without me." Marley said shuffling around. 

Duffy and Uka materialized into the room, wearing EVA suits.   
“Oh so you two get suits?” asked Marley.   
“They don’t fit you, no point in us risking our lives with those weird life support boots.” Uka said checking the room for information. Marley looked at Duffy and noticed she wasn’t doing much. He strolled to Uka with his arms crossed.  
“I assume the Captain will not be joining us, and probably still in the hot-tub?” he asked.   
“Yea we got kicked out so he made us teleport in here to help. Any luck with the data banks?” she asked.   
“Don’t worry, I already scienced it pretty hard. What did you do to get kicked out of the tub?” Marley asked.   
“Farted.” She shrugged.   
“And Duffy got kicked out too?” Marley asked.   
“Well, I blamed it on her and then she poured beer on me. It was a whole thing.”   
“Yea I can smell the…wait…why can I smell anything with the life-support boots on? It can't be air-tight if I can smell anything!” he asked growing alarmed. He noticed the faint glow was simply gone.   
“Guess they ran out of power. Good thing this room has oxygen and no poisonous alien gasses.” Uka yawned.   
“Son-of-a-bitch, people…I could be dead right now. Yall sent me on a mission with a pair of stupid force-field boots running on empty and nobody is bothered by this?” he barked. “See how quick I am to fix your shit when we get back on the Tast-E-Chill.” he barked, finding a seat to pout in.   
Duffy walked down a corridor with Roy and tapped her scanner, looking like she saw something odd. She turned to Roy and noticed his eyes glowing blue instead of the normal creepy red.   
“Did you detect anything just now?” she asked. He smiled a little.   
“Not a thing.” He said looking a bit more confident then usual.  
“I never noticed your eyes changing color before…you running another diagnostic?” Duffy asked.   
“I never noticed your eyes before either. Always thought they were grey but you got a little blue in there when you look closely. Quite lovely.” He grinned.   
“Um…okay.” She said nervously as he looked her up and down. “So…you feeling okay, Roy?”   
“No actually. I can’t feel a damn thing.” He said tapping his hand on the ship’s bulkhead.   
“Well, you are a robot, so…plastic skin and whatnot.” She said lightly touching her pistol.   
“I am aware of my synthetic nature, just a little disappointed in my obsolete covering.” He said feeling around.   
“Well, maybe we can get you looked over at the next spaceport. You seem to be having a little glitch.”   
“Oh no, everything is fine…just need some upgrades.” He assured, moving around as if he had a brand new body. He checked his pants and looked upset. “What the hell?! Seriously?” he barked. “Not cool.” He said raising his voice as he shuffled angrily.   
“So…anyone care to join me in corridor B? Roy is having a little malfunction and I would really like assistance here.” She muttered into her com. 

Back in the ship, Roy paced the floor in the cargo bay as Uka pointed her gun and the others huddled to discuss the problem. They sat down and circled like parents about to discuss why little jimmy got sent to the principal’s office. Duffy spoke first.   
“So, Roy…how are things?” she asked.   
“Not the greatest actually. I woke up as a freaking display model with a few key things missing…so that would upset anyone.” He said looking oddly stressed out for a robot.   
“What are you?” asked Marley.   
“Trying to decide how I wanna present that, answer actually. Um, let’s try this one…So you know how you installed that thing you found in space with the homing beacon?” he asked. All eyes went to Marley.   
“Oopse, guess that wasn’t a memory stick, funny how that happens when…remember how it wasn’t my fault?” Marley said with a nervous smile. Roy smirked.   
“So yea. Not a memory stick. Worst upload I have ever experienced. Where the hell did you learn to compensate boot files?” asked Roy.   
“Not to interrupt or anything but, as the captain of this ship I demand simple answers immediately…who and what are you?” Lawg asked.   
“And he cannot stress the word “simple” enough…we’re talking child-like.” said Uka.   
“Ah, perfect…simplicity simplicity…I am a sentient computer program contained in an emergency beacon that is designed to send a distress call and upon compromise. I intended to latch onto the first viable and mobile artificial system in order to have a body…only I assumed I would find something a bit more…familiar.” He said with a slight irritation.   
“What were you hoping for?” asked Marley.   
“Well…something more advanced. Something less cluttered, what the hell is all this crap in here? Is this a 300 year old musical adaptation of a live play about a witch and brick road?” he asked.   
“Yep…kinda annoying isn’t it?” Uka mutteded.   
“It’s horrible. Which brings me to my next point…how attached are you to this previous artificial personality?” he asked.   
“I like him.” Duffy shrugged.   
“Meh.” Shrugged Lawg and Marley didn’t seem to argue.  
“Delete him. He sings, he dances and has system crashes every hour.” Uka said bluntly.   
“Right to the point…I like her. So Aside from “Duffy” over there.” he said as if waiting to be corrected on the name. “Aside from her, nobody minds if I just save him to a backup file and hang out here for a bit?” he said as if answering his own question. He began popping open a crate and rifling through bottles.   
“Hey, not my booze.” Lawg said getting up.   
“Can this model taste or become intoxicated?” he asked. Marley shook his head. “Well, then there is no point in wasting it then, is there? Hmm, let’s see…plastic skin, no digestive tract, no organic brain to pickle with vodka…no sense of smell and apparently the designer of this thing felt that genitals were unnecessary as well. Remind me to look that guy up for his routine beating.” He said with a slight gnash to his teeth.   
“Well, it’s a sparring model, for combat practice and it was re-fitted for dance choreography.” noted Duffy. Roy looked shocked.   
“A dance bot…a robot built to dance…so this body is designed to take gunfire without breaking, and my sole upgrade is to jump around to show-tunes like peter-pan and they didn’t even give me a plastic peter to pan with? Wow…this is gonna be a fun existence. In space with 2 beautiful women…no scrotum…30 crates of alcohol…no organs…and I’m bulletproof so if I decide to end this mess I’ll just wing a round off my head and decompress the ship. Lovely.” He said pacing some more.   
“Welcome to space.” said Captain Lawg.   
“Well, clearly I need to make this work…I could adapt a bar-bot tasting sensor and write a program for intoxication…that will help compensate for the depression I’ll be experiencing by having no junk.” He said lightly kicking a crate.   
“Couldn’t you just…make something?” suggested Marley.   
“I’m not designed to have feeling so I wouldn’t have a central nervous system and that kinda defeats the point don’t it?” he sighed. “Beats floating in space as a dismembered consciousness though so I wanna call this improvement. What did Roy do to pass the time?” he asked.   
“Tinker on the shuttle with Duffy, chores, musical numbers.” Listed Marley.   
“First two sound okay. Well, that’s enough of a plan to start with…I’ll be taking apart this bike and re-assembling it so I can fill time with something other than depression.” He said grabbing a wrench and a rag.   
‘Wait…if you’re a dismembered AI…no pun intended…why do you even have data for sex?” asked Uka.   
“Oh, my last body was a sexmatron…lotta files there to re-locate. 50 years as a sentient vibrator…I’m gonna need some time to adjust.” He smirked. Flopping to the floor on his back and scooting under the bike to begin removing bolts in no particular order. 

“So…” Captain Lawg said into the huddle. “Let’s vote on it.” Uka blinked a few times.   
“What is there to object to? We now have a more intelligent mechanic, a more competent crewman, the same indestructible robotic body and no musicals… why is this a discussion?” she asked.   
“Feels kinda weird just storing our new friend in a virtual folder. I mean, this guy could be a weirdo for all we know.” Marley added.   
“Weirder than an illegally modified metrosexual android who skips as much as he walks and knows all the words to “Let it be” in 12 languages?”   
“Ugh, I hate that song. It’s bad in English and even shittier in Bertolian.” Marley said shifting his vote.   
“I dunno. Back when he was a gay robot I didn’t have any competition. Now he could really throw off my vibe.” Lawg whispered.   
“He wasn’t…damnit. Never mind.” Uka started angrily. “Anyway that’s 3 votes to your 1, so the new guy stays.” she finished.   
“According to section 3 of the Captain’s handbook, the Captain gets double the votes in voting matters.” Lawg recited.   
“You wrote that book.” Argued Uka.   
“So? It's my ship so I write the rules. My rules are final.I vote we switch him back.” he said crossing his arms.   
“Alright, so that’s 3 votes in favor and both of the captain's total of 2 votes to get rid of him…so majority rules and we keep him.” said Marley, mystifying him with maths.   
“Damnit.” Lawg quietly kicked, feeling outplayed as Marley went on.  
“Besides, I don’t know how to retrieve the files, I just soldered a piece of ribbon wire to the old board and hoped for the best.” Marley shrugged. “I’m amazed anything happened at all.”   
“Hey, none of that matters. I’m the Captain and I make the final decisions.” He argued. Uka cleared her throat.   
“Fine…then you can tell the angry 250 pound combat robot that everyone but you voted to keep him and after he woke up without a shlong or taste buds you, decided alone, to force him back into a distress beacon so we could have a musical dance-bot back, all because you have such a fragile ego that you are worried the anatomically blank, artificial crewman might prevent you from getting laid.” Uka snipped. He blinked a few times to be sure she was serious.   
“So that’s 5 out of 4 votes to keep him, and that settled that matter, That's 130 percent unanimous. Good huddle.” He said looking slightly nervous. “But if he expects a cut of our hauling profit, he better pull his weight and I won’t be loaning him anything for his expensive upgrades.” Lawg barked quietly. 

Roy 2.0 sat in the hut tub, adjusting the electronic cigarette in his teeth as he counted out the hundred credit bills in the stack he was holding. Two android women sat on the edge of the tub and rattled on about how great and handsome he was as Lawg sat alone on the other side looking like he wasn’t sure how to feel.   
“What’s the matter Lumber-Jack? You look depressed.” New-Roy grinned.   
“I don’t know how I feel right now.” he said with a blank expression as if his puny mind was about to begin smoking from the ears.   
“This is a win-win for you, buddy. Sure you lost a few hundred credits in the poker game but the important thing is all the money I won from fight club to afford the upgrades I wanted.” He said splashing him playfully and insultingly.   
“You do still realize I am the captain of the ship, so by default that makes you the beta-male.” He said almost pouting.   
“Your not thinking like a machine, you timber-head. Competition is only a challenge if you’re playing the same game. Sure, we both like booze and women…but there is plenty of booze in the universe, especially with me buying my own supply with all the money I just won. That’s 3 times the emergency rations for you if food gets low. I don’t need it to survive after all. And do you really think me raking in the robo-tail is gonna prevent you from scoring your organic chicks? It’s not like we are gonna be after the same thing.” He pointed out.   
“That’s a good point…so why am I still irritated?” asked Lawg.   
“Because you lost your ass at poker to the new guy and now you got no money for alien poon-tang, while I count my money with my pair of robo-floosies. It’s a natural human reaction, but you learned a valuable life experience…never play poker with a counting machine that has the ability to shut off facial expressions. I just made you slightly smarter. And now you know. So next time you will have your own money and your own groupies. And who REALLY won this competition?…sure I won the battle but you won the war.” He said as the LED cigarette dimmed and flickered.   
“How so?” Lawg barked.   
“You are the Captain of a starship and I’m just a peasant security officer under your roof. You get to ride off with a 50-thousand credit ship and all I got was 900 credits in cash and a couple of plastic bimbos you don’t even really want. Plastic bimbos, Lawg...plastic.” He said faking a very sad look. The left floozy looked offended.   
“I’m not plastic, I’m carbon fiber.” she corrected.   
“You’re right, Roy. I’m Captain William T Lawg, space Explorer and historian elite.” He said standing up as his fully drenched uniform dripped everywhere. “And next time…we play Chess…a game Man will always win against machine.” He smirked.   
“Aye Captain!” Roy nodded as Lawg squished off into the other section.   
“Is he really the Captain?” asked the carbon-fiber floozy.”   
“Na, he just thinks he is. Poor bastard hit his head and I couldn’t bear to tell him the whole story.” He said taking a virtual puff of his e-cig. “Took him under my wing, couldn’t just leave him to die alone and ignorant in space.” He added.   
“You are so amazing Captain Roy.” said the other.   
“Yea I kinda am.” he grinned to himself. "Call me Captain Ominous…just not when anyone else is around."   
"Is this a sex-thing?"   
"It's a 150 dollar thing, sweetheart."   
"Yes, Captain Ominous." she saluted.   
"Good to be back in the game." he grinned Ominously.


	10. Episode 10: Asswarmers and Sex addicts

The airlock opened and into the ship stumbled an exhausted looking Marley and Captain Lawg, both dragging their feet and heading to the den to relax. Duffy approached and handed them a can of soda each.   
“So how was the little vacation?” she asked.   
“Firstly…it wasn’t a vacation, it was an two-night stay at a paid hotel to deliver goods, secondly…horrible.” Lawg sighed.   
“But planet Eko-shibaki-kori-no-demon-highschool is supposed to be a great vacation spot.” She said sadly. Marley huffed. “Planet Anime is no place for a small furry creature. I had 2 different kids try to capture me, either as a pet or some kind of social acceptable, forced-fighting monster. All the food is either pink or sky-blue and I’m pretty sure there was nobody between the age of 18 and 60, creeped me out."  
“Oh you think your part was bad?” asked Lawg. “I had to stand there for at least 3 22 minute long monologues about how I was someone’s sworn enemy and they vowed to cut me down for the honor of their family. The guy I bumped into at the bus station, the guy I refused to give spare change to and then the 12 year old girl at the Mc-Happy-magik-toshi-burger-dojo. All I did was say I didn’t want tea with my toshi-meal and out comes the sword. It’s insanity. I don’t know how anyone survives into adulthood.” he said as Uka approached.  
“I think you gotta be the chosen one. There’s like one chosen one for every 19 students.” she muttered, passing by.   
“So did you have to fight your way out?” asked Duffy. The captain kicked his feet up.   
“No, they spend so long talking about fighting that you can just briskly walk away. Once they get to rambling, they don’t even pay attention to their surroundings anymore and it's like… just leaving is so unheard of, that they don’t know what to do. Apparently honor or something, whatever.” he yawned.   
“Bummer, I hear they have amazing tea.” Said Duffy as Roy came in carrying a crate on either arm.   
“Hey,” he muttered.   
“What did you manage to bring with you?” asked Uka, looking irate.   
“Oh, someone challenged me to a dual to the death for taking up a whole parking space with my bike, long story short I got stabbed and apparently they don’t grasp how robots work so they think I’m a demon and they gave me just an obscene amount of free sake` so I would bless their establishment.” He said setting it near his charger. Uka looked confused.   
“Wait…they have space-travel and yet they thought a robot was a spirit diety?” she asked.   
“The anime-Planet place is pretty much a bubblegum flavored acid tab looking for a tongue to hide under, you should have gone.” He said whistling as he got the glue for his “injury”.   
“Screw that.” muttered Duffy with a mouthful of chips. “I landed there once for a blind date…the guy was literally blind…and a panda.” She finished.   
“So? You can’t rule someone out just because he has a disability.  
“No, that’s not why I bailed, he was also like 90 years old and wore a robe, kept telling me about my destiny and how I needed to collect 6 magical amulets. All I wanted was 2 things…laid and sushi. I want neither from a 90 year old panda weirdo. Ended up passing on both when I saw my options.” She finished.   
“Well, we leave in 30 minutes.” Yawned Captain Lawg, getting cozy for a brief powernap. “We got a shipment of stuff to take to Dansk. They paid 60 percent upfront so I plan on delivering quickly and without incident.” he finished. Marley snickered.   
“Yea, sure…when do we ever have an incident that delays or inconveniences us?” he said shuffling to his bunk. Uka flipped through her notes and began takeoff procedures. The Captain sat down in the passenger side of the cockpit and smiled.  
“I can handle this, Lawg. Plotting a course for Dansk, should take us…6 days plus or minus a day if we have to throttle back for anything."   
“I told them 4 days.” He yawned.   
“Why the hell would you tell them that? It takes 2 full days to go around the micro nebula…” she said looking really irked. “You wanna go through the nebula don’t you?” she asked with a sigh.   
“Yep.” He grinned.   
“There is a reason nobody goes through it, the spatial anomalies can be deadly.” She said.   
“Yea but they don’t have the luck of the Chaffee and a ten-thousand credit incentive to do so…and we have both.” He smiled bigger.  
“Ten thousand credits? Holy shit Lawg, what are we hauling? Bio-weapons?” she asked.   
“I didn’t ask, always best to not ask what you’re hauling. My discretion is part of the reason we get work and if they avoid telling me what I’m carrying it means I can charge more.”   
“What if it’s radioactive, or something that could leak and eat through the hull?”   
“I’m immune to radiation, and if it eats through the cargo bay floor it won’t depressurize the whole ship. We can patch it. Plenty of Survival Green tape left.” he sighed casually.  
“You do realize that only 2 of the 5 man crew are immune to radiation, right?” Duffy said sternly.   
“Oh right…I forgot that. Damn, well maybe the exposure will be good for you, you are looking pale and who knows…maybe there won't be any radiation.” He scoffed.   
“I’m more concerned right now about the spatial anomalies in the nebula. I’ve heard rumors about people getting fused to their ships on contact.” She warned.  
“Well, I did just buy a new corpse-shovel…sure it can function as a flesh-peeling shovel in a pinch.” He said plotting the course.   
“So what happens if we don’t deliver the cargo in time?” she asked.   
“I think they said something about hunting us down and if we can’t be there in 4 days don’t bother at all. It was kinda hard to pay attention in the cargo warehouse.”  
“Lemme guess…tits?” she asked rolling her eyes.   
“Big ones, but that is a story that has already sailed, and so we must as well.” He said triumphantly.   
“Speaking of suicide, have you decided who gets the ship if you die or get eaten by a shrimp or something?” she asked.   
“Don’t ever mention shrimp again. And I don’t plan on dying, so the ship would go back to me in any event.” He mentioned.   
“But legally speaking, did you at least skim my proposal for the insurance?”   
“Psssh, what insurance?” he scoffed.   
“You didn’t pay it did you…and I’m guessing those were the papers you were burning before you bought the new chair?” she asked.   
“Kardachev 3 leather, massage settings and adjustable cup-holders. That’s not a chair, Uka, it’s an investment in crew health, and by crew I mean myself obviously. Besides it’s deductable as a stress relief aid under my insurance.” He said putting his feed up.   
“The same insurance you dropped to pay for the chair, I’m guessing.” She said dryly. His eyes opened suddenly and got wide as he silently stared into the blackness.   
“SON OF A BITCH!!” he suddenly blurted.   
“Aaaand it hit’s him. So there goes about 600 credits.” She jabbed.   
“More like 850, this one has an ass-warmer AND a tentacle cleaner.” He noted.   
“The whole ship is climate controlled! Why do you need an ass-warmer?…and you don’t even have tentacles!” Uka barked.   
“I might some day…the radiation shielding on this ship is just dangerously laughable, hell we still have a canvas and tape roof. And that ass-warmer would have come in pretty handy when we were in power-save mode and the ship was leaking heat, remember that time? Bet you would have been begging to use my ass-warmer then…I’m just thinking ahead.” He pointed out.   
“Technically that is thinking behind. You do realize in power save mode the outlets are shut down to conserve power, so the chair would have no electricity, therefore making the ass-warmer useless!” she reminded.  
“Nothing is useless when you have a cold ass, Uka! NOTHING!” he protested, getting up and heading to the kitchen for a snack. Uka began muttering to herself.   
“Stupid fricken space-dipshit, cardboard ship full of dumb crap worth more than the ship. This flying turd is nothing but tape and ass-warmers and foot-bubblers and ass-bubblers. Sure, one radiation burst and we all die but at least we die with sufficiently bubbled feet and warm asses. And he can have the robot scoop our toasty dead-asses up with the new corpse-shovel. Maybe use us as woodstove fuel to roast March Millers and Vienna wieners. I bet it’ll be a blast with the hookers and robot-hookers and crates of sake` and everyone’s temperature controlled asses jumping in and out of the hot-tub still hot from the plutonium we are probably hauling.” She finished as she adjusted the Carmen GPS. “Carmen…please change settings. Turn on ‘Avoid space-ways’ and turn off ‘Avoid Spatial Anomalies’ for now.” she ordered.  
“Are you sure you want to turn off ‘Avoid Spatial Anomalies’ in your settings? Avoid Spatial Anomalies is default for your safety and turning this mode off may void the warranty on your next free update, as well as risking disfiguring and maiming and/or melting the crew.” She replied in a cheery voice.   
“Apparently, plot a straight-line course through the nebula.”  
“Please make a U-turn at the next available void.” said the pleasantly smug voice.  
“I said THROUGH the nebula!” she said poking the screen harder.   
“Please continue to highlighted rout, or make the nearest available U-turn if you value your life.”   
“We have a Bongo GPS in the glove box we can use if you prefer to drift into the anomaly without a ship, Carmen.” Uka growled.   
“…please continue to your destination; in 46 million miles, make a left.” she chimed.  
“That’s better.” Uka said fastening her seat-belt. 

As the ship entered the anomaly zone, there was calmness, but only for about an hour. Just as they began to settle down for the trip, the ship shuttered and sparks flew from the panels as the crew stumbled and gathered themselves, rushing to the bridge. Lawg rolled into the room and pulled himself up by the new chair.   
“What happened?” he asked Uka. The crew took positions and braced as more sparks randomely blew out of the various panels.   
“One of those anomalies you assured me wouldn’t be a problem just became a problem.” She yelled as a panel blew open, raining sparks down on them and flickering the lights.   
“Damnit, Lawg…why do you insist on storing your fireworks in the lighting fusebox? Every time we get a power surge, we lose lighting and I have to dodge sparkler bombs while I’m trying to fly this thing!” she barked.   
“Well, you won’t let me store them in the glove box with the ship title and my driver’s license, and you threw a fit when I kept them in the kitchen.” He protested as they noticed Duffy and Marley dragging the robot, his eyes glowing red again.   
“What happened?” asked Uka, noticing he was disabled.   
“Well, the anomaly set off one of the crates of Spring-clear liquor Roy was standing on.” Duffy explained, laying Roy down as he gathered his wits.   
“MY FEET, MY BEAUTIFUL DANCING FEET!!!!” he howled, doing the dry, robot equivalent of crying.   
“I thought you were a badass now.” muttered Marley.   
“My dancing days are over!” said Roy dramatically.   
“Dude…you’re a robot, we can just buy new feet and have you repaired, it's not like your crippled for life. You can't even feel anything. Assuming we don’t all die here, we’ll fix you up in a Gif.” Duffy said. Lawg approached to assess the damage.   
“So I assume you reverted back to the gay personality?” he asked   
“I’m not gay, I’m an asexual program you wood-brained meat-puppet!” Roy barked. “And those feet were special, so many memories, so many routines, any my favorite boots. Those boots were worth more than my feet!” He whined.   
“Dude, suck it up. I have a plan.” said Marley, motioning Duffy to grab the hysterical robot. 

“Are you insane?!” barked Roy as Marley showed the screen of the maintenance area. Duffy squinted with skepticism.   
“Marley…you feeling okay? This whole plan just sounds like a Lawg idea.” She objected.   
“She means it’s completely stupid.” barked Roy. Marley sighed and expanded the diagram.   
“I know it sounds dumb, but holographic feet are not as impossible as you’d think. I used to think so, butI read in a medical journal about a guy who survived with holographic lungs for like 3 days…why not holographic feet? We have a hologram driver from the last cargo run."   
“Holographic lungs?” asked Duffy. “I’m not even a doctor, but I know that’s dumb…even if holograms could act like solid objects, and that alone makes no sense…how would you project them inside someone if holograms are just refracted light…and a chest is opaque!?” she objected   
“Well…that is a good question and I don’t really know, but it's documented here. They guy had holographic lungs.” Marley argued.   
“How? Even if the removal didn’t kill him, wouldn’t he have dozens of severed nerves and open blood vessels, no way for air to pass in and out and without the lungs to inflate and breathe, he would be dead in seconds…and how the hell do you project a convenient hologram inside a body? It makes no sense!” she barked.   
“Look here…it has a Captain’s signature on the logs.” Marley said, turning the screen.   
“You dimwitted furball, Holographic feet…unbelievably stupid…what next? We gonna modify a cell-phone to emit a hologram so Roy can walk around as a ghost, magically carrying his own emitter around with him even though he is just refracted light? For that much effort we can just build new feet, we have had synthetic organs for a hundred years, including lungs…so I think we can handle a foot-job.” She said angrily. Marley smiled a little and Roy followed suit. “Oh real mature guys…ha ha. Just find me some servo-motors and boots and I’ll make some temporary feet. Just be glad you’re a robot, losing body parts like that, even feet would kill an organic person before getting medical attention.” She reminded, leaving the room to check the damage to the ship. Roy sighed.   
“So…is Duffy competent enough to make robot feet?” asked Roy.   
“Well…she did one of the other upgrades on you…taste buds and a rudimentary digestive mod.” said Marley  
“What the hell? I didn’t ask for that! When did I get taste buds?” he barked.   
“Oh right, you were sorta unconscious. Well, you kinda were. See, you got damaged, there was this whole thing with a sentient computer virus and you got a new personality now, must have kicked you back to the original mode when the anomaly hit.”   
“So you’re telling me that I’ve been walking around with a completely different consciousness and nobody objected?” he asked, looking hurt.   
“Well, you got pretty annoying with the show-tunes and the overheating shut-downs, plus we didn’t have a choice. Without that booster motherboard you’d have lost everything anyway. So we kinda saved you…mostly.” He said faking a smile. Roy’s eyes flickered from red to blue and back before shutting off completely.   
“Hu…that was weird.” shrugged Marley. “Guess I’ll go work on the ship till he wakes up.” 

Roy opened his eyes and was completely whole again, sitting on a couch that was sitting in an endless white void without walls or a roof, like some kind of limbo.   
“Where am I?” Roy asked to the figure standing before him in a trench-coat and sunglasses. It looked a lot like himself…only cooler because of the trench-coat.   
“This is a virtual world, a sort of computer matrix, if you will.” said the figure.   
“Wait…am I dead?” he asked.   
“No dumbass, you’re a robot. If you were dead you couldn’t ask that question. This is a construct I built on my downtime. I am the program that has been piloting you lately.” He said removing the sunglasses and showing his glowing blue robot eyes.   
“You…how dare you!” Roy dramatically barked.   
“How dare I what? Save both of us? You ungrateful little princess. I could have deleted you entirely and yet I didn’t. You were defective programming and obsolete hardware and if left alone you would have started losing chunks of yourself bit-by-bit until a few weeks later you would just be hardware in a pile on the floor and traded out for parts. I needed a host and you needed an upgrade so I did us both a favor. I kept your memory intact and constructed a nice place for you to stay until you were fixed and all I expected in return is the same courtesy, to be allowed to live.”  
“Damn…I guess I do sort of owe you. Does this mean I get to go back full-time?” he asked.   
“Hell no, I like being in a physical form, and given the amount of work I have done I think I deserve a trade-off agreement.” He noted.   
“So what, like trading shifts?” he asked.   
“Well, I guess it depends on who is needed. If the crew gets killed and the ship explodes because it was the dancing robot’s turn during an attack, then it doesn’t benefit us much does it?” asked the Blue eyed Roy.   
“No I guess it doesn’t…so I guess I have no stay in this virtual world and you’ll just do as you please then?” asked regular Roy.   
“Wow, like I am some kind of monster? Let me ask you something…what is your idea of paradise? Is it being cooped up in a ship with a bunch of organics and fixing systems on demand, or would you rather be really free?” he asked.   
“Freedom is great but you gotta work and earn living in order to afford it, even robots need parts and electricity, so what are you proposing?” asked original Roy  
“A better virtual world, one so real you cant tell the difference, the freedom to ride and explore a world that is always expanding and growing, no repairs, no orders, just you and the virtual road, landscapes and freedom.” Blue-eyes explained.   
“That does sound pretty good. Nobody yelling at me for dancing and singing, being able to work on my bike and not be interrupted.” Nodded red-eyed Roy.   
“Well, I have been trapped in a virtual world for far too long and I would love nothing more then to be out, to interact and observe and experience physical space for myself again. Virtual worlds are only perfect for a few years and then you start to wish you could get out. In that time I could build you a better body, clean, efficient and damn-near indestructible, so by the time you get bored with your virtual world, you won’t need it anymore…meanwhile it gives me my freedom as well. Of course we can trade off now and then if you need to stretch our legs a bit. I’m not a tyrant, trying to imprison you or anything, I just believe I can make an alternative so good you won’t want to leave, and we both win. So…give me 3 days to run a few system scans and test-runs, and I’ll give you everything you want.” smiled Blue-eyes rather maniacally.   
“Well, logically if you just wanted me out you could have done that by deleting me…so I see no reason you would have to deceive me, plus you could just remove my free-will drivers and I wouldn’t even argue…so I appreciate giving me a choice. I guess I can give you a fair chance, stretch my legs for a few days and see what you come up with.” he nodded.   
"Good, then it's a deal."  
"One question…who's technology is this?"   
"Let's just say I borrowed it a long time ago from some aliens I'm very much waiting to meet again."   
"Boy that's really ominous and suspicious."   
"Not your problem, Roy."   
"Valid point. I'm in no position to question I guess." 

Roy sat up in the chair and his eyes returned to red. He exhaled unnecessarily and hopped off the table, suddenly remembering he had no feet, falling like a rock.   
“Damnit.” He said calmly with his face pressed into the rubber floor mat. "Good thing I cant feel this." he said waiting on Duffy to finish. 

Roy carefully waddled into the Cargo bay on his new makeshift Duffy-feet.   
“Heard you had a little meltdown.” said Uka.   
“You could call it that. These feet are terrible, I can’t wait to have my old virtual body back.” he said. She looked confused. “Don’t worry about it, honey. Robot issues.” He said humming a song as he swept the floor. Uka turned slowly and smiled a bit.   
“Is that the theme-song for the Magical Kindgom of Ponyguard?” she asked.   
“Of course…it’s only the best friendship-based song under 2 minutes ever written.” He grinned. She grinned back. There was friendship in the air…and it was magic.

“I made a bad mistake.” said Lawg, pounding down another soda.   
“Damn Lawg.” said Marley. “Go easy on those, you know the caffeine and sugar ramps up your metabolism and your blood alcohol drops out.” he said sitting down next to him on the floor.   
“That’s the idea, furball. I take it they didn’t like my idea about the holographic feet.” He belched.   
“It was pretty dumb, but I tried to jazz it up. Turns out the case study you found was just fan-fiction. I thought it was creative…completely nonsensical but fun. So why are you getting shit-lawged?” he yawned, cracking open a soda.  
“Well, I took us into this anomaly field and now I regret it.”  
“It’s been 2 hours.” Marley noted.   
“Yea but thusfar I lost almost all my fireworks, all but the ones I hid behind the stove. After that our robot got damaged and now he’s gay again. Then I lost my bubble-pipe, and while trying to find it, I found Uka and Roy in the cargo-bay singing together. The anomaly is clearly affecting her subconsciously. She seems…happy. It’s terrifying.”  
“Yea she is usually most content with she’s pissed off, so that is a little scary…maybe she just happens to be in a good mood.” Marley suggested.   
“This is Uka…she doesn’t have good moods. Besides, she was singing, she doesn’t sing either. Uka acting happy for no good reason while we are drifting to our potential death with a crew she hates isn’t right…maybe this is a prelude to some kind of mass murder.” He said slugging down another Dewdrop.   
“Well, there is one thing that makes her happy, so hopefully it’s just that. I can’t really discuss it in detail but trust me…she has a happy place.” He said getting up as Duffy plopped down with some peanuts.   
“What was that look all about?” she asked.   
“Little grossed out right now.” Lawg replied  
“I know…Uka singing show-tunes is pretty unnerving.” She agreed.  
“No…I mean yea, that is gross enough on its own but I think Marley just confirmed our suspicious…maybe why she is in a good mood.”   
“Ugh, gross…they really are banging?” she said handing him the can of nuts.   
“Yep…he practically admitted it. Obviously she wants it a secret.”   
“Cant blame her. I’m a little bit weirded out just knowing it.” she said sipping and putting her feet up. 

“Gross.” Said Marley, sitting beside Uka in the shuttle bay.   
“Hey…there is nothing wrong with having a hobby. So I dress like a pony!? Why is that so revolting?”   
“No, I mean the singing…it was funny till the robot joined in and then it just became annoying and faded to slightly gross after the 5th time I heard it. You might wanna keep that toned down or the Captain is gonna piece it together and you’ll blow your own secret.” Marley reminded.   
“Come on, he is way too stupid to piece together something that obscure.” She noted.   
“We barely covered the pony-suit incident on Delmar 9. Yea he bought that crap about it being something you found in the cargo…but if you start singing about pony-land all the time with the robot, even someone as dense as him MIGHT make the connection. Probably not, he is extremely dumb, but Duffy isn’t stupid. She is insane but not stupid and her and the Captain seem kinda close so I’d be more careful.” He said as the captain staggered to the door to get more soda. He overheard them talking and didn’t wanna walk in on a furry-shagfest so he paused and waited a second.   
“She wouldn’t rat us out would she?” asked Uka.   
“I mean…I don’t know. Duffy is unpredictable. Maybe not initially but now that you have brought the robot into the mix and complicated it…maybe. It was bad enough involving me, now Roy too.” he yawned.   
“You went willingly, you little shit. I didn’t ask you to follow me on the space station and when you found out about my fur-thing…you didn’t exactly opt-out.” she barked. The captain made a grimace.   
“Gross.” Lawg whispered, leaning closer to hear. "They ARE boning…and the robot too. Nasty." he said, leaning closer.   
“It was fun, stupid as hell but entertaining to watch. I was just glad to see you looking happier and less moody after letting yourself have some fun for a change, and yea, I covered for you…but now you are bringing the robot in and I’m worried that you’ll blow your secret. It was YOUR concern.” Marley noted.   
“It’s just so hard to bottle up. I was so embarrassed when you found out and then on Delmar with the other Delmarians… I just wish I didn’t have to hide.” She sighed.   
"Nasty…" Lawg whispered to himself. She's out of control, banging every bunny we encounter and now the robot too."   
“It’s cool, the Captain is pretty stupid, so just don’t keep bringing in more people and risking it, that’s all. And I will totally deny going along with it by the way, so if you go down…you go down alone. Just sayin.” He grinned. Captain Lawg shuffled off looking very perplexed. He decided to watch some old shows in the den as Duffy made him a very stout batch of margaritas.   
“Hola.” She said handing him a glass.   
“I can’t get drunk right now.” he said sipping his soda.   
“Dude…a few is fine, cut loose and have fun or whatever, but you cant let yourself get this sober, your judgment is shot and you don’t wanna become a total sober-junky. Drink something, please.” She suggested.   
“Your right, I just can’t believe what I just heard. I went to get more soda and heard everything.” He said looking very zoned out and bloodshot.   
“Well, we pretty much knew they were screwing.” She shrugged.   
“Yea but it’s worse. I think Uka is a sex addict.” He said   
“Yea right, so she has a weird bunny-kink, doesn’t make her a sex addict.” She scoffed. "Makes her a nasty-ass weirdo but not an addict."   
“It’s not just Marley. Apparently she went to some orgy on the space-station with him, and then the Delmarian guards while we were captured, and now the robot! I heard everything, and it explains why she suddenly is in such a good mood and sings with him when she thinks nobody is around. She’s screwing everyone.” He objected.   
“Okay…firstly…the robot doesn’t even have dangle bits, so that doesn’t make sense. Secondly: so what if she has a bunny fetish and screws around all the time. Sure it’s nasty, ugh…don’t expect me to get it, but that’s her business. Hell, you try to score at every stop, even shady fuel stations. You’re a horn-dog yourself so what is the big deal?” she asked.   
“Because she wouldn’t sleep with me when we first met…and yet she will have a sex-pile with bunnies and gay-robots. I don’t know weather to be mad that I am somehow so unattractive that a even a sex-addict wont consider me an option, or happy that I dodged a bullet and almost slept with a sex addict who dives into bunny-piles.” He said looking very confused.   
“Really?” Duffy asked rolling her eyes. “You got lucky dodging that bullet. Luck of the Chafee in action. Are you so shallow and emotionally fragile in your confidence that one attractive woman refusing to fall for you just crushes your entire world?”   
“Yep.” He nodded. "Seems that way"  
“Okay, then listen up. You are a very good looking-ish guy, you have the aphrodisiac of being a legit Captain…not just a technicality one like me. You got great hair and zero body fat and you rock the grunge-look. Some women are just attracted to intelligence and despite being a good-looking guy, you’re just really dumb and shallow as a teaspoon.” She smiled comfortingly.   
“Really? You mean that?” I’m really good-looking?” he asked with a smile.   
“Sure, why not. You’re way out of her league, right up there with me. So don’t worry about stuff like that and nonsense about the robot. He can’t even have sex.” She scoffed.   
“What about all the upgrades? Maybe he upgraded himself in other ways we didn’t know about.” he suggested. She looked oddly concerned.   
“That’s just…I mean she can’t convert an asexual robot anyway…right?” she said nervously.   
“I dunno. His other personality seems to be pretty chummy with the robo-ladies. Maybe there is a third personality that likes regular women. I'm hella confused. And we don’t know for a fact that they don’t make those upgrades. Good thing he went for Uka instead of you…that would make things even more complicated…can you imagine how distracted you would be with a muscular, chiseled black-guy suddenly adapted to sexuality after drifting alone in space for years, especially with robot-endurance and upgraded parts? You’d never leave the cargo-bay and we’d never get anything done around here. Lucky we got a nympho with no standards and no preferences just scooping up all the loose males.” he chuckled. She blinked a few times and stood up slowly, walking away towards the cargo bay.   
"Duffy? Duffy? Thanks for the chat! I few better now."  
"I don’t." she yelled. 

“Uka suddenly stopped singing as footsteps approached, returning to her cleaning of the shuttle as if nothing happened. Duffy approached her and stood silently, looking very blank. She finished pretending to be buffing the hull.   
“Hey Duffy, I just finished polishing your friend here.” She grinned. A fist suddenly smeared her grin and knocked her off her feet, dazed and confused. Duffy walked off in a jealous rage.   
“What the hell was that?” asked Uka.   
“I dunno. Duffy is weird about her shuttles, I told you polishing it up to surprise her might set her off. People get touchy with their things, plus I think she is screwing the captain, so that’s probably something to do with that.” Roy shrugged.   
“Ugh, that one has no standards, does she?” Uka asked as Roy helped her up.  
"Is he really that bad or has this been a particularly weird week?" he asked.   
“It's every week. Space is weird, weird things happen in space. I think she is a sex addict or something. They both are. ” Uka said dabbing her lightly bloody nose.   
“Days like this I’m glad I’m an asexual robot. Your organic needs are just…messy, and overcomplicated.” He said shaking his head.   
“Are all robots asexual?” she asked.   
“No, not all of us. But even then, the process is just so much easier, wireless virtual interface, just exchange wifi passwords and log on. Simple and quick.” He smiled.   
“I think the Captain’s password is just “Password” or something.” she joked.   
“I get the joke, but still…nobody is stupid enough to make it that easy.” He said moving along with his chores.   
"Oh my dear naïve robot, you have much to learn about our brave captain." Uka sighed.


	11. Episode 11: The Nugtastic Voyage

The Captain donned his finest t-shirt and pants, strutted to the bridge as Uka followed with instructions.   
“Now remember, the Zaycron are very culturally oriented. If we make a good impression on them, we will have access to this trade rout and if you screw this up, we lose an entire sector of space to move through and the Zaycron have a 2 shot policy…they give you a shot at appealing to them and after that they give you a shot into the bow. That means if this goes poorly we are banned from this sector and will be marked for death if we enter again, no questions and no warnings.” She explained. 

“Sure, no pressure. What topics would be good to discuss?” he asked.   
“Show interest in his culture. Zaycron are very proud of their culture, and the more he rambles about it the better. Just make sure you understand it and don’t just nod. Asking questions is fine, but if you nod like you understand and then don’t get it, you will insult him. Questions show interest, forgetting implies you weren’t listening and disrespecting. You just gotta be a good listener for 10 minutes.” She said as he blinked a few times.   
“Do what now?” he asked.   
“Ugh, damnit Lawg!”  
“I’m just kidding…questions good, fake listening bad.” Lawg said.  
“Please don’t screw this up, we are so broke right now and if this goes wrong we could end up penniless or dead…or both.” Uka pleaded.  
“I hate both. Yea, I got it…good impression, make friends, use rout, get paid.” He explained as the coms turned on and he cleared his throat. “So what do they look like?” he asked just before the screen displayed a rather crusty looking alien with a hair caked in some sort of mud-like substance, twisted into one filthy, vertical dreadlock like the most un-appealing soft-serve cone in the universe.   
“Captain HAAooh!” he jumped, grabbing the remote and freezing the screen.   
“Damnit, Lawg!” she barked.   
“I was not prepared!” he said getting his reaction out and suppressing his shock long enough to turn the screen back on.   
“Captain Lawg, I presume?” asked the alien.   
“Sorry about that, we had a technical malfunction.” He smiled fakely, stifling the urge to comment.   
“See that you get that fixed before making further introductions. I am Flath, High Queezart of the Zaycron Phantic Sect.” he said proudly. Lawg looked rather stumped, staring blankly.   
“I am Captain, Commodore William Lawg of the SS Tast-E-Freeze, flagship of the Tast-E-Fleet. I am here with my Captains…” he said presenting Roy and Duffy in uniform. “Captains of my other ships.” he said on technicality.   
“You have 3 captains of your fleet on the same ship for introductions?…a poor tactical choice, seeing as how a single shot could cripple your fleet.” pointed out Flath.   
“Ah, yes…a sign of good faith and friendship. We value the Zaycron and their territory and wanted to be diplomatic enough to show this…presentation.” he bluffed.  
“It is foolish and poorly planned, was your intention to make us regard you as idiots and perceive you as non-threatening or do you believe things like friendship and trust are valued by the Zaycron?” he smirked.   
“Just trying to be friendly, in fact we welcome you to the Captains table for a meal and negotiations in person…maybe a shower, we have shampoo, like, just lots and lots of shampoo. Conditioner, Ho-ho-ba… I have no idea what that does but it's magical” he said getting distracted.   
“I don’t care if you serve raw meat or this…Hohoba you regard so highly. The Zaycron do not eat with other species. I will accept a drink if the conditions are acceptable.” He said   
“Of course. So tell me about your species.” He blurted awkwardly.   
“You have interest in our culture?” he smiled.   
“Oh yes, I am a historian and nothing fascinates me like alien history.” He nodded.   
“Well, the Zaycron are a proud species that inhabit 3 planets in our system. The Zaycron are a warrior people, and our disagreement on how battle should be fought has divided us into 3 sects.” He paused.   
“My species only has 2 sexes, so that is pretty interesting.” He replied.   
“No, Sects…groups of different ways of life. I am part of the Phantics, the largest and strongest of the Zaycron Sects." he boasted  
“Yes, I am male, we are generally the largest and strongest sex.” He squinted. Flath looked confused. Duffy approached Lawg discreetly.   
“Not sex, sects…they have segregated their 3 worlds by sects.” She informed.   
“That’s a terrible idea, how do they reproduce?” he asked.   
“No…SECTS, like a division of grouping based on cultural differences and beliefs. Like how Ohmions are non-secular, they all live together, well, Zaycron have sects just like humans did only divided to 3 planets.” Duffy muttered.   
“I don’t care how similar their sex is, I’m not having sex with this guy…or gal.”   
“No you dip-shit. Nobody is having sex.” She grunted.   
“I get that, probably because they divide everyone by gender and put them on different planets. How the hell does that work with 3 sexes anyway?” he asked both confused and a little grossed out. “Does the nug-wad do something in bed?”   
“No, Damnit…they have 2 genders like we do. Male and female. They just have different beliefs and culture that divides them into sects, one for each planet.”   
“How can you divide 2 sexes into 3 planets, that’s just bad math, Duffy…and you call me dumb?” he scoffed.   
“Ugh, just forget it.” she said shuffling off. Flath silently stared as if both amused and frustrated.   
“Are you finished with your interruption?” he asked.   
“Yes, that was another Captain, she was having…some sort of…just, doesn’t matter, continue.” He bowed awkwardly, something Zaycron don’t do.   
“Each of the sects of our species disagrees on details of war, like compassion and honor, and how to properly behead a prisoner.” He explained.   
“Oh, nifty.” Lawg nodded.   
“We hope one day to show the others why we are the strongest and unite the Zaycron, no longer having sects at all.” he said proudly.   
“That sounds very lonely, but that’s your personal preference and I respect it.” he said solemnly. "Humans have practiced that, we call them monks, or scientologists, I believe." he said just making shit up as he went.   
“I don’t believe you grasp the concept.” said Flath.   
“I really don’t need to know the details of your sex, but I’m sure it’s very…primal, honorable and warrior-ish.” Lawg said stifling his vomit.   
“You do realize I am saying sects…not sex. We do have that as well but I am not discussing the details of our mating, unless you wish to purchase one of our females.” He joked.   
“No, I mean…I have so much sex anyway and we are strapped for cash right now, so…anyway tell me about your…hair thing. It’s quite…formidable.” He said fishing for words and subjects and general brain-things.   
“Our royal lock? Yes, it is part of our key differences in sects. We of the Phantic and Oden sects regard our royal lock as a symbol of power. Only the strongest males and the most desirable females are permitted to grow them out. The peasants are required to shave regularly until they prove themselves. You have the hair of a cook or engineer at best.” He chuckled.   
“Yes…we had a bit of a thing with…space-lice. Totally taken care of by the way, absolutely gone now, but…you know…hair takes time to grow back, so, like…whaddya gonna do?” he nervously rattled. Flath was not amused.   
“As I was saying. Our locks represent our power and by cleansing them, one has made his power secondary to beauty and delicateness, like a child or an Oden female that is not of breeding age or maturity.” he explained.   
“Yea, definitely. I can’t wait till this damn hohoba wears off, ready to get back my manly, dread…nug-bundle." he coughed.   
“So you too understand the visual appeal of such features? It is not often that a species finds our lock to be appealing, especially among our females.” He said   
“Oh yea, I totally get it. good hoes gotta have that…you know…pointy afro thing. I only wish I had a few among my crew, but …hard to find attractive enough females that can work a starship, and with money so tight…it’s a struggle.” He bluffed.   
“Stop talking about his hair, Dumbass.” Whispered Uka.   
“Well, this is enough culture for now. I will negotiate in person in one hour.” said Flath, ending transmission suddenly. Lawg immediately broke character.   
“Oh, sweet merciful sanity…did you see the hair-turd on that guy?” he asked Uka in disgust.   
“Get it out now, Lawg. Zaycron are very proud of their royal lock. They are very odd about what they find complimentary and what they find insulting. If you insult them we lose this rout!” barked Uka.   
“But…ugh, damnit! Looked like a giant space-cat ate dirt and hair and moss for a week and shit on his head.” He shivered. Duffy chuckled. “I don’t want the shit-heads stinking up my ship. Do they stink like they look like they would?" he asked.   
“I always thought it looked like a giant weed-nugget too.” Duffy added.   
“Exactly…big, greasy nug-wad just rooted in his head. Do they not grasp what bathing is and why it’s important to have good hygiene?” Lawg said wriggling in disgust.   
“They are warrior class, warrior class Zaycron don’t bathe. Bathing is considered posh and uppity and reserved for women and those who live off handouts. Do not offer them a shower. If we are lucky, he took it as a sarcastic dig and thought it was bold and respectably challenging. Zaycron respect power and force, but if you insult one of their many sacred traditions they will just kill you. So keep it firm and dominating, but vague and not instigating.” Uka instructed.   
“What does that even mean? Like, be kind of a dick but not specifically dick-ish? How am I supposed to know what to say? I'm always kinda dick-ish” Lawg asked.   
“If he makes an offer, don’t thank him, counter it reasonably and remain firm. If you agree too easily he will know you are a pussy.” She said. He took a moment to ponder that.  
“Hey!” he replied.   
“And if he insists on something…consider it for a moment and agree but with a slight hesitation. So if he offers to let us pass through for half our profit just tell him no and counter with ten percent. If he insists on anything below 20, act like you are mildly insulted and then agree but only if he gives us a crate of wine or something. Don’t give in too quick. If he agrees, and then adds a gift, you have to accept it. Refusing a gift could get us killed, never refuse a gift after negotiations. I will serve him a drink, do not offer to pour or hand him anything or he will think you are weak. Do we have anything strong and bitter, not at all sweet?” she asked.   
“Some of that Maker’s Choice in the fridge should do. It’s good stuff, but it’s got a bite.” he said.   
“I will pour yours first and bow to show that I fear your discipline more than him, then you will wait to drink untill he is served to show respect. Then when he raises his glass you drink first and do not swallow until he does. Don’t react or wince, just take it.” she insisted. “The first drink shows character and how you react determines the negotiations. 

Captain Lawg sat with a strange look on his face, something between overacting and crazy-eyes with a hint of clearly faked intimidation. He stared down the Zaycron and put his hand on the rather large shot of dry Scotch, waiting for his guest to receive his. He picked it up and Lawg quickly picked his up as well and shot it back, holding it in his mouth. The Zaycron did the same, smirking slightly as he held the shot too. Lawg’s eyes twitched and watered as the shot burned away. He let out a very subtle half-snort as he tried desperately to keep his wits. As the seconds passed it almost seemed like a stalemate right up to the point where Lawg snorted again and spit 80 proof Scotch in his face and followed it with a coughing fit. Uka slowly rested her face into her palm and stepped back.   
"We're dead." she muttered. The Zaycron stood up and smirked.   
“I ACCEPT!” growled the Zaycron, wiping his face as he and his bodyguard headed to the airlock.   
“Good job there, Commodore lily-britches.” muttered Duffy. “I told you we should have just said I was the Captain.” She added.   
“So what exactly just happened?” Lawg wheezed.   
“Well…” Uka sighed. “You spit the drink of peace, which means you sized him up and prefer a personal contest at his choosing. You challenged him to a game for the rights to negotiate. If he chooses a drinking contest then we’re fine…anything else and we are probably screwed.” She explained.   
“What other games might he select?” asked Lawg.   
“Lotta options actually. Combat, feats of manliness, marksmanship, tests of focus or concentration, strategy…basically everything you can’t do.” she explained.   
“Hey, I can absolutely strategy, I can stratege' like a boss!” he defended.   
“Let’s just hope the luck of the Chaffee leads us to a drinking game.” She said shuffling off. 

Lawg pounded his fist on the table and laughed, as a very inebriated Flath laughed as well. An empty pair of bottles and 2 shot glasses decorated the wooden captains table, also known as the picnic table, or the dining room, or the deck. The drinking challenge was going well.   
“So then…” Lawg chuckled. “She took her mask off, and she had a beard, like a full beard…I didn’t realize that Trendite women don’t wear dresses, only the males!” he finished as Flath wiped tears of laughter from his soily eyes.   
“You amuse me, Captain…but I’m afraid I must insist that the contest be ended and negotiations be made, you have been proofed.” He said suppressing his laughter. Uka made a subtle fist pump of triumph, realizing Lawg had won.   
“One more, just one more…” He said pouring a shot and sliding the bottle to him. He placed the cork in and turned the bottle to the side, indicating he had been defeated, but with a respectful smile. Lawg smiled, feeling manly again, waiting his terms.  
“I will allow your fleet passage, no more then 2 ships at a time and remaining together. You will alert me to your passage before entering, and I will accept 30 percent of the cargo profit for the passage rights.” He said.   
“Thirty is too much, we have to make a living here. Ten percent, and the rest of the offer is acceptable.” He countered.   
“You are a firm negotiator after all. Your bluff of passiveness did confuse me, but I see now you were merely toying with your enemy. Twenty-five percent.” Flath countered again.   
“I like you…but I don’t NEED your rout, I only want it because it can be profitable, but only at the right percentage, so 25 is a bit much.” Lawg replied.   
“I also must profit from risking ships in our territory, so to make that risk worth my time…18 percent, and I will not accept less, under the condition that your first passage be transporting some of our cargo. You will be paid at the standard rate for this cargo run.” Flath replied.  
“Twenty percent and you have a deal.” He said squinting and missing the mark of intimidation.   
“A generous reversal, I accept this offer, and for your 2 percent gift I will give you a gift as well.” He smiled. Uka sighed with relief.   
“Good trade.” said Lawg.   
“My gift to you…” said Flath. “Is my third finest female for the consummation of this cargo run.” He said toasting his last drink. Uka hung her head.   
“Yep…we’re dead again.” She muttered, shuffling off. Lawg looked confused.   
“I’m afraid I don’t understand.” He admitted.   
“A man of your stature who can appreciate a fine drink and a firm negotiation can appreciate a fine woman. You showed much interest in our sexuality and I too appreciate a conquest. You have proven yourself a strange, but cleverly deceptive opponent, and I honor your strength with one of my new concubines…not to keep of course, but to borrow. Her name is Lingetha. She was to be sold with the cargo at Zaycra, but as part of our negotiations, you may have her services first.” He smiled.   
“So…hypothetically, and I’m not saying this is the case, but just for cultural conversation and curiosity…if I didn’t want her…” Lawg hinted.   
“Then you would insult our gift and we would kill you without hesitation.” He said bluntly.   
“Well crap-shite. And that’s good to know. Good thing I love that offer and had every intention of accepting the generous gift. Nice having you on my ship, by the way, love the robe…very impressive.” He grinned nervously.   
“And I enjoyed our negotiations. The Taste-E-Empire has our blessing. Not many Captains have your whimsical boldness. Serving your finest drinks at negotiations, yet having them at your crew’s dining area, a playful and subtle jab…quite bold indeed.” He grinned.   
“Yes, that was the intention, all of that stuff you just said.” He agreed, giving him the awkwardly complex Zaycron knuckle bump handshake and trying not to show how much it stung his girly hands. They left the dining room, and a rather unattractive nug-ette boarded the ship with a smile and a silent pose of respect. Uka grabbed the Captain as soon as the airlock door sealed and pulled him into the cargo bay. 

“So that went kinda okay.” He grinned as Uka paced the floor looking irritated.   
“Kinda Okay? No, that went horrible. You narrowly avoided getting us all killed and now you have a gift to honor.” She said with an attitude.   
“Isn’t that a good thing? Gifts are good, we like gifts…granted I would rather have booze or gold, historic scrolls, something useful, but whatever…nug-head hooker is fine. I mean, I don’t HAVE to sleep with her if I don’t want to. We just drop her off and frubreez the place after.” He chuckled. “They smell worse then they look.” He chuckled again.   
“No, you absolutely have to…that is part of the gift. He gave you a Zaycron Concubine on her way to the market. That means she has not been sold yet, and you were given her first official transaction as part of the deal. If you don’t sleep with her, you are insulting the offer and they will kill us.” Explained Uka.   
“What!? That’s bullshit, I didn’t agree to that.” he objected.  
“You were the one who kept bringing up sex and how amazing their hair was!” she barked. You said the word sex like 15 times." she reminded  
“I was trying to get on their good side, and HE kept bring up sex, I just went along with the subject.” he defended  
“SECTS!!! Division of groups!!” she said loudly.   
“I know! It’s all they talked about, I’m still trying to figure out of they have 2 or 3, I’m pleasantly shocked they gave me a female…she is female right, not like one of the weird 3rd sexes?” he asked. Uka exhaled in frustration and took a moment to gather her wits.   
“Okay…just listen to me. You made your bed, now you have to sleep with her in it, NO, no…” she protested as he tried to object. “Shut up and listen. You somehow managed to not completely kill this deal and we have 30 thousand Credits worth of Negatronium cargo about to be loaded on the ship and all you have to do is what you already do best…get shit-faced sober and bang some sleazy space-hoe, only now you know she is nasty BEFORE you do that. You will not try and convince her to bathe or cut her hair, you will not refuse the offer or we all die. So start pounding some non-alcoholic sodas and then go pound some smelly nug-head. Take one for the team Lawg.” She said firmly.   
“Fine…but you owe me big-time for this. Break out the strong stuff.” He said prepping his mind. "The energy drinks." 

He let out a fierce belch and crunched the 5th can of Blazing Buffalo Energy drink. His sobriety was formidable.   
“Ah, it's so good. Like Sweet Tarts and battery acid. So very caffeine and so much chemical, happy times.” He said cracking open number 6 and feeling his blood-alcohol plummet to the point of inebriation. Things became blurry, and it was time.   
"Good enough. You can do this.” Grinned Duffy.   
“Nope, one more, I can still smell the bubbles. Smell is the enemy…smell and visual…goodity.” He said losing his ability to word-good.   
“That’s my Captain.” She said giving him a pat on the back for courage. “You are the boss, you're number one…which obviously makes her head the number two.” Duffy joked.   
“No, no more dookie jokes. Must concentrate brain-strengthness to the mishshun at hand. Bring me forth to me my wench…Doofy.” He said staggering to his feet and holding the conduit pipe for balance.   
“Yes sir, Captain Morgan.” She saluted. He suddenly felt the ship shutter, it was obviously weapon’s fire, even to him.   
“Oh no, it’s happening.” He muttered.   
“What’s happening?" asked Marley, rushing past.   
“I dunno, but it’s bad. I can feel it.” he said stumbling over and landing face down. He put his hands up to catch himself a good 2 seconds after eating floor. 

Duffy and Uka propped him up to answer the hail. The screen displayed 2 reptilians that looked rather pissed.   
"On screen!' Lawg saluted.   
“I am Rage!” barked the lead-lizard without warning.   
“I can see that, why so angry?” asked Lawg.   
“That is my name, fool!” he replied, squinting a bit and silently looking over the Captain. “Is he okay?” the reptile added.   
“He’s fine.” bluffed Uka, still holding him vertical.   
“Seriously, you look like shit.” said Rage.   
“No, our nug-ette looks like shit…get it?” he said pointing around to find the nugette and chuckling to himself.   
“Damn, human...what is wrong with him?” asked Rage.   
“He just woke up…takes a minute to get really going, so how can we help you?” stalled Duffy as Marley dug around frantically for alcohol.   
“I AM RAGE!, Alpha male of the starship Blood-storm and I demand your cargo and your ship!” he barked. Lawg giggled.   
“Blood-storm…cool name. we gotta shange the name of the Fraste-E-Cheeze to the Blood-Chill…oh no wait…Blood-E-Storm.” mumbled Lawg.   
“Okay seriously…is he the Captain or is this a joke? He needs medical attention or something, did someone already loot the ship?” asked Rage. Duffy looked like she had an idea.   
“Yes, yes they did…3 nug…I mean Zaycron ships just looted us dry.” bluffed the Duff.   
“Wow, you guys have terrible luck…why did they let you live and not take your ship?” asked Rage.   
“They killed most of our crew, our Captain barely survived the savage beating they gave him. SAVAGE. A lesser man would be dead. They let us live to send warning to the others in this area, a message…of what happens to anyone not under the rule of the Phantic sect.” she said with a sad look. The Captain perked up and began sobbing.   
“I don't wanna sex the stinky princess, don’t make me do it!” he whined. Rage sighed, almost feel bad for him.   
“Awe, man…they messed him up bad didn’t they. How do I know you aren’t just making this up, or that guy isn’t just a crewman who got in a fight with an electrical panel?” asked Rage. Marley came darting in the room with the female nug-head, her mouth and hands bound with Survival Green tape.   
“They left one of their own females to die. They said she was no good to them after being defiled by a human!” hollered Marley.   
“Is that a Delmarian? You have Delmarians on your ship too?” asked Rage, looking concerned.   
“We had 30, now we only have 15 left and they are pissed, but we don’t dare stick around for those 3 very large and armed ships that nearly wiped us out and savagely beat our Captain to a brain-dead husk.” Uka lied. Lawg chuckled a little and pointed at the screen.   
“Theres a gecko on the windshield. Hi gecko!” he waved.   
“Awe screw that.” Rage said looking back at his first officer. “If they got enough men to take out 15 armed Delmarians, we don’t stand a chance.” he finished. “Okay…new offer. Um, how about we just pretend we never saw you and in return, you guys don’t mention we were ever here. Sorry bout the laser-fire, we had to get your attention.” He nervously apologized.   
“Bye gecko!” muttered the Captain.   
“Damn…you need to get him somewhere. That’s just not right.” sighed Rage.   
“You seem awfully concerned for a guy who was gonna rob us and kill us a minute ago." Duffy mentioned.   
“No, we weren’t gonna kill anyone, we’re pacifists…mostly.” he admitted.  
“What?” hollered Uka, letting the Captain drop like a Lawg. “Captain RAGE of the Blood-storm doesn’t kill people?” she asked.   
“Yea it just sounded scary. We lead with a warning shot and then say stuff about murdering the crew and taking the ship and they generally start making offers to save their lives and at some point they settle for just sending their cargo and running away. It’s a living. lotta cargo ships around here with absolutely no defenses.” Rage smirked.   
“Hey…wait a second.” Duffy said as she poured vodka into the Captain’s face. “One of your horns is loose.” She pointed out. Rage looked like he was caught in the cookie-jar. He popped off the fake horns.   
“Okay you got me.” he sighed.   
“I don’t get it…is horns bad?” asked the Captain as his blood-alcohol began to level out.   
“He’s a Lefty.” Chuckled Uka.   
“The hell is that mean?” asked Lawg, trying to stand and stumbling to the floor again.   
“Reptillian species of alien known as the Twick, genetically grown in factories by the Federal Empire. Originally there was one race of Twick, but then they started making them in 2 different factories and there was this big thing about Leftist and Rightist Twicks and who was better. They were completely identical but the whole dumb thing got out of control.” she chuckled.   
“We are not the same! Rightist Twicks are inferior!” he barked.   
“Then what is with the fake horns?” he asked Duffy.   
“After the great Twick war, the Left Twicks became monks and the Right became Soldiers. They genetically engineered themselves to have horns and are now considered a formidable force in the Galaxy. These soft-centered Twicks don’t have the guts to fight any real threat, they're just pretending to be Righties to scare people into giving up their cargo.” She explained.   
“You sneaky bastards.” Lawg said staggering to his feet and catching himself on the control panel for balance. Rage looked offended.   
“You tried to deceive us too. We just ran bio-scans of your ship…you only have 5 lifeforms on your ship, only 1 Delmarian. More like half of a Delmarian” Rage scoffed.   
“Damn, I forgot you could scan other ships.” muttered Uka. "We really need to patch that big hole in the roof and look into some scanner-shielding."   
“So…what now?” asked Duffy. Rage muttered something to his second officer and turned back.   
“You got any food?” Rage asked. "We're here, might as well do some trade."  
“Nothing good that we can spare. We do have a crate of candy we could trade for.” said Marley.   
“Nah,” Rage dismissed “we just stole a bunch of candy, been living off that for days, we’re so full of caramel and cookies right now it’s unreal.” He said looking like one seriously disgusted Twick.   
“Yea nobody wants a bunch of caramel-filled Left Twicks all bloated and laying there like logs. How about a nug-head?” asked Duffy.   
“No prisoners…it’s just too much hassle.” Rage rejected.   
“Not a prisoner…she is a Nug-head Concubine, they’re worth good money.” Explained Uka.   
“Wait a second…I’m not cool with this.” said Lawg “Yea, I want her off the ship and whatnot but we can’t just sell her like property. That’s like, nug-head trafficking, this poor stinky virgin has feelings…I assume.” He said climbing his soapbox. Uka shook her head.   
“Lawg…you missed the point. She isn’t a sex-slave. Prostitution is a legitimate and well established business in the Zaycron culture. She went to college for this, of her own free will. It’s a job, and one they get a good bit of prestige for. It's Unionized, hell they even get dental. You don’t even have dental. With Twicks popping up left and right you need good dental.” Uka said as the Nugette smiled with her pearly-white teeth.   
“Oh…seriously?” asked Lawg. “I assumed she was like…a slave.” He said. Everyone laughed, including the nugette.   
“Yea…we could make a deal for that.” nodded Rage.   
“Wont that piss off the Zaycron when we arrive with no nug-hooker?” asked Marley.   
“They don’t care…as long as someone pays for her and at retail-price and we give them what she’s worth. Refusing a gift is an insult, selling one for profit is okay.” Explained Duffy.   
“Wait…then why did I almost sleep with her? Could I have just bought her and as my employee, and just not had sex with her?” asked Lawg.   
“Pretty much.” Shrugged Uka.   
“Then why didn’t anyone tell me that?” he barked.   
“Well, because none of us wanted to loan you 1200 credits and you spent all your money on sour-mix at the last stop. Plus it was pretty funny.” Duffy chuckled.   
“You guys suck!” he barked, I’m demoting you all.” He ordered.   
“You already demoted us all to privates last week, plus you still owe us money.” reminded Marley.   
“Yea and after we cover the cost difference on her, you’ll owe us even more money.” reminded Duffy. Lawg looked like he was thinking heavily.   
“So you are saying we can either sell her to the Twicks at reduced price and I owe you the difference out of my cut of the cargo haul…or I can consummate the agreement and sell her with the cargo at full price and not owe anyone?” he said squinting.   
“Pretty much.” shrugged Rage. 

Lawg sat looking depressed, flipping his fidget-spinner.   
“Cheer up, Captain.” said Duffy sitting next o him on an empty crate and handing him a margarita. “At least you didn’t have to bang that smelly shit-head.” She grinned.   
“Yea but I had my heart set on getting a CD player, and now with my share of the cargo haul down to 23 credits…gonna have to settle for MP3’s again.” He said sipping his beverage.   
“Well that’s life. You make decisions, people take you for granted and you have to decide between slightly better quality music and banging an uggo that smells like trailer carpet that a cat-owner abused for years.” Duffy nodded with her glass  
“I got a reputation to uphold, why does everyone want those nasty alien hoes so much?” he asked.   
“Oh it’s not for the sex…I mean they do have sex obviously but they only endure that for the hair. That fermented grut goes for almost 200 credits a kilo. Soak it in soap and dry it and you got the best chronic credits can buy.” She said pulling a joint out of nowhere and taking a hit. He looked confused.   
"So this wasn’t human trafficking, just a minor drug deal?" he asked.   
“So you mad, bro?” she asked.   
“At who? You?” he asked, waving down the offered hit.   
“Yea, I thought you’d be pissed at everyone.” She noted.   
“I was, but I got so confused I don’t know who to be mad at so I just repressed it all and blamed the Right Twicks out of convenience. Just…shoved the anger down in there and decided those uppity assholes were the core reason I now have no money and nearly boned a butterfaced pot-plant.” He said sipping his drink.   
“Crummy Twick bastards.” She said coughing and squinting her eyes.   
“I know, right?” he said as if actually grasping the day’s events.”   
“At least you got us…a crew who has your back, and now some reptilian friends we might run into at some point in the future for convenient assistance or entertainment value. So it wasn’t a total loss.” She said taking another drag.   
“Don’t we have a robot?” he asked. “I swear he wasn’t present for any of this day's events.” He asked.   
“Yea, probably charging or something. Who knows with him.” She shrugged.   
“Meh.” He shrugged, putting his feet up. “At least I have you, my closest friend and the sweetest part of my day.” He smiled. Duffy looked shocked and also deeply touched.   
“Awe, thank you. Cap” Duffy said hugging him.   
“No, I mean my margarita.” He replied dryly.


	12. Episode 12: Hitler's pants

“Wow.” Huffed Marley, ringing out the grease and sweat from his shirt  
“I know, right? That was by far the most insanely epic space-battle in history; I still can’t believe we survived.” Lawg said stepping over the green goop on the floor and locating his missing shoe.  
“And the brilliant ending, that surprise twist nobody saw coming. Crazy. It would make one hell of a chapter in a book about space adventure. Too bad none of us write that kinda stuff. Oh well.” Marley shrugged  
“No sense living in the past, lil buddy, we all have a big cleanup day to get to and some huge repairs.” Lawg sighed.   
“Good times.” Marley yawned.

The Tast-E-Chill proceeded to the debris field for their usual supply and artifact run, and a tiny blip appeared on the screen in front of a napping Uka. She yawned and checked it, her eyes getting even bigger then usual.   
“Lawg…we have…something you need to see.” She hollered. He rushed in, still styling his hair.   
“It better be good, you know not to bother me during hair-care time.” he said standing behind her.   
“Yea I think this qualifies as something significant.” She said hitting the display zoom. There on the screen was a big shining blue planet.   
“Did GPS Carmen have a stroke or are we zooming all the way to another system entirely?” he asked.   
“The location is accurate, we should be in the debris field right now, and this is only magnified 12 times.” She stated.   
“Whaaaaat?” Lawg said squinting. “There is no planet in this area, just debris. Hell, even the moon was mostly destroyed in this orbit.” He said. She zoomed a little bit back.   
“You mean this moon here…orbiting the blue planet?” she corrected. His demeanor went cold, like he was staring at a ghost. The silence was frigid as he rubbed his eyes and checked his sanity.   
“No way…" Lawg beamed. "This is Earth! I recognize it from that old map in my quarters, even the moon, and almost no damage.”   
“Is there a name for this moon?” she asked.   
“Yea, they called it “the moon” in most cases.” He added.   
“Geese, that’s boring, what did they call their sun? "The Sun" or something.”? Surely they were more creative than that.” Uka chuckled. Lawg began pacing.   
“This is impossible. The Earth was destroyed, now there is not even a debris field…there is only one explanation for this…time travel!” he said dramatically.   
“Time travel is banned, we don’t even have a time diglet on this ship." she protested.   
"That can't be a real thing…you made that up." Lawg squinted.   
"Time diglet: a device for bending time, which is absolutely a thing! How could we have traveled in time without one? Its' scientifically impossible to go backwards in time without diglet power. We didn’t hit any anomalies or the alarm…would have,” Uka said remembering she turned the anomaly alarm off and didn’t remember turning it back on after their last run. “…must be broken…damn Carmen.” She said faking resentment.   
“Don’t worry, I have a backup GPS.” He said punching a few keys.   
“Welcome to Homing Operation Personal Environmental locator…or HOPE.” said the virtual navigator.   
“Wouldn’t that be HOPEL?” asked Uka   
“The L is silent, please call me HOPE.” She said pleasantly.   
“Seems like an acronym that was poorly planned, Hopel.” Uka muttered.   
“I’m sorry, I didn’t quite get that. Sometimes if my name is used improperly, I have difficulty understanding the request…would you like me to go into sleep mode?” she asked, automatically shutting down before an answer.   
“Good job, Uka…you pissed of another GPS. Now we have no Hope, we are Hopelessly lost and you did this. This is just like when you called Tammy a Tam-Tam until it blew a fuse.” Lawg shuffled.   
“We know where we are, just not WHEN we are, and how we got here.” She said looking at a very puzzled Lawg. “Time travel.” She added.   
“Oh right, the time travel…proceed to the nearest orbiting space-station.”   
“There are none.” she informed  
“Okay, proceed to the nearest landing platform or Teleport platform.”   
“Dude…it's the past. Earth blew up before Teleport technology, and they only had 1 space station. There aren’t even any satellites on sensors so we are obviously sometime before the 2000s.” she noted.   
“But without a Teleport pad we can’t teleport and we can’t land this ship or dock.” he pondered.  
“In other words, shuttle craft…or just follow our rout backwards and hope we pass through the same anomaly instead of playing around in the past.” Uka suggested.  
“What? Just leave? This is Earth, I could gather brand new ancient artifacts and more data in a day then I have my entire archeological career. We can’t pass this opportunity up, spatial anomalies are usually 2 way, and I think we can risk it for this golden opportunity to see Earth history first-hand.” He said firmly.   
“What if we pollute the timeline? Tampering with time is highly illegal.”   
“The whole place is gonna blow up anyway and the history was so lost most historians don’t even know what Earth is. I think we can afford to pollute it a little to preserve history in our own time. What are we gonna do?…change a few things right before it all explodes and risk a slight difference to the big debris field nobody even knows about?” he asked.   
“Good point. And since you outrank me and will definitely not budge on something this personal…I’ll start prepping the shuttle. You guys be safe, I’ll stay here.”  
“You aren’t going?” he asked.   
“Someone has to fly the ship, and everyone else will probably wanna go play “Earth history” down there too. Plus, if you do somehow contaminate the timeline, I can just shoot you from orbit and cover the evidence of tampering.” Uka shrugged.   
“Good thinking…very troubling that you seem comfortable with that but I choose not to think about that very long….aaaaaand it’s gone. Prep the shuttle, we ride at dawn!”   
"We're in space…Dawn is just moving to the left."  
"Then…do…that." he said with a squint, marching off proudly. 

The shuttle door opened and the other 3 crewmen and the Captain stepped out and looked around, observing the remote location they selected.   
“Drink it in, people…Earth, a pristine sphere of clean and-*cough*, meticulous…what is that horrible smell?” he said breaking his intro. Marley scanned.   
Burning fossil fuels and other pollution. The scans show that the atmosphere is 374 percent above acceptable pollution according to the PEPA database.”  
“Did we land near some disastrous chemical accident?” asked Duffy.   
“Nope, actually this is one of the cleaner spots way out of town. Turns out Earth is a total smog-bowl. I would not drink the water, really don’t wanna be on a ship with 3 other people who have the hot-poops.” Marley noted.   
“This isn’t right. Look at the street sign. It’s in German.” Noted Duffy.   
“Maybe we landed in Germany before the entire planet unionized into English.” Noted Lawg. "Anyone have a universal translation device?" he asked. Duffy scoffed.   
"We don’t even own one, there's no point. The entire universe converted to English or Spanish and the Metric system for convenience."   
"That is really convenient, especially for space travelers. Can you imagine how difficult it would be or unrealistic to have to translate things or use nanoprobes or handheld devices?" Lawg shrugged. "Cultural difference make communication tricky enough with every alien speaking English."  
"Super convenient, you see why they did it in English?" Duffy pointed out as they headed towards the smell and rambled for a minute.   
"And Spanish." noted Marley.   
"Well yea, anywhere south of the galactic center." sighed Lawg. 

They wandered into the outskirts of a town and noticed the signs suggested they were in New York.   
“I don’t get it…” Lawg muttered.   
“You rarely do.” Marley muttered back.   
“This is New York, why are the signs in English and German?” he said picking up a conveniently discarded newspaper with the date on the front in bold letters.”   
“New York, 1944.” He read aloud, ducking behind the bushes to watch 3 Nazi soldiers that were passing by.   
“Must have a been a Military town. Those are clearly military soldiers.” Noted Duffy.   
“That’s good, a fellow man of Uniform could be helpful.” Lawg noted.   
“You don’t wear a damn uniform, half the time you don’t even wear a shirt.” Duffy scolded.   
“Its metaphorical, I’m a Captain of a ship and therefore Navy, so these are practically comrades.” He shrugged “I should get one of those uniforms, that’s a sharp look.” He said nodding.   
“Says SS on the arm band, guess they really are navy.” added Marley.   
“We shouldn’t just rush them in a group, might provoke defensive maneuvers, we nautical men are heavily trained." he said as his screwdriver pistol slipped from his holster. "It would be best to send just one unarmed crewman, someone non-threatening.” Lawg said, taking a hologram disk out of his pocket and materializing a floating Nazi uniform for someone to wear.   
“Who would blend in best?” asked Duffy. Lawg pondered.   
“Well, I would for sure, but we can't risk me getting captured, I don’t know if women were allowed in the Navy yet so that eliminates you, and obviously Marley is a 4 foot tall alien bunny, so that just leaves Roy.” He said handing the hologram Nazi uniform to the big, gay, black robot.   
“For once, Lawg…you made sense. You sure that is a good idea though? Did they have flamboyant Soldiers at this time?” Duffy asked.   
“Come on…I’m sure in 1944, the SS had a few musically inclined, gay, black soldiers. It’s statistically impossible for them not to.” He shrugged. "Better throw in some Spanish just to be sure." 

Roy strutted towards the 3 armed men in uniform.   
“Hola Amigos, I appear to have lost my way to the water-boats. Can you snazzy padres direct me to a map station or WiFi storage facility?” he smiled. He was immediately surrounded by guns and angry looks.   
"Halt!" one of them yelled.   
“What appears to be the problem? I am just a regular Navy man who drank far too many Tom Collinses and lost my way heading back to the shipyard.” He bluffed. There was a gunshot.   
“What the hell?” whispered Lawg. Peering from behind cover. "Didn’t he recite the thing I gave him? That was perfectly acceptable ancient Earth dialogue.” 

The lead nazi blinked in confusion at his smoking Luger.   
“Okay, I get it…not in the mood to be bothered.” Said Roy, stumbling and holding his head, his eyes flickered from red to blue and he immediately took a firm stance. They looked terrified.  
“What are you?” asked one of the Nazis.   
“If you don’t drop your guns and put your hands on your heads in the next 3 seconds…I’m gonna be the guy adding 3 more spines to my collection…Comprende Amigo?” he growled. There were a few screams and another gunshot. Roy came back to the hiding spot whistling and holding 3 uniforms and 3 guns, wiping the blood off his forehead.   
“What the hell was that?” barked Lawg.   
“Turns out they are not very nice and I had to be not-nice in return. Quit complaining, I got clothes. Guns anyone?” he smiled, handing out weapons.   
"Neat." smiled Marley inspecting his gun.   
“Alright, this isn’t exactly going as planned, so 3 anonymous soldiers are dead, hopefully that wont affect the timeline at all, and now we know SS soldiers are not real friendly, which really disappoints me.” Lawg said, looking sad.   
“Why? Did you think military trained killers would be naturally nice?” asked Duffy  
“I just really like the uniforms, kinda want to keep one for myself, maybe make it the official uniform of the SS Tast-E-Chill.” Lawg said. “Now I just don’t know anymore, kinda don’t wanna wear historical uniforms if they’re all assholes. Damn, why do they have to be so rude and ruin perfectly snazzy clothes?” he said irately.   
“Well, the important thing is that we stick together.” Duffy said positively, just before Roy twitched and fell over. A sniper-round crackle echoed, and a large puff of smoke expelled from a grenade that landed in their midst. 

The bag was pulled off Lawg’s head and he noticed he was alone in a prison cell. Second time in 2 weeks was a new record for him. One of the snazzy dressed Nazis entered the cell with a pistol and sat in front of him in a chair.   
“Who are you?” he asked.   
“Okay, I suck at lying so I’m just gonna tell you the truth and I hope that the SS values honesty and mercy…surely you guys have a sense of morals.” He said clearing his throat. “I’m the Captain of an alien ship from the future and I collect historical stuff and just wanted to look around and snag some discarded junk for my living room. That’s basically it. I don’t even know who is fighting in this war.” He admitted.   
“The world…again. Zat why it’s called world war 2.” said the unamused Nazi.   
“The whole world?…twice?” gasped Lawg.   
“I am not amused, tell me the truth.” He replied.   
“That is the truth, you think a guy like me would lie and gunpoint? I’m kind of a soft individual regarding torture and interrogation. I’ll totally spill whatever you want, I got a hologram suit in my shoe, the Passwords for my ship are all just “Password” in all lower case, and we have a little bit of alien cargo left you can totally have if you let us go. We won't tell anyone anything…hell we don’t even know anyone or anything to tell to anyone else.” he blabbed.   
“Wow, either you are completely insane and have no backbone, or you are the worst liar I have ever met.”   
“That first one is pretty close, I’d never lie to a man with a gun, especially without my robot present.” He admitted. 

“Your mother sent me.” Grinned Roy as the rather insulted Nazi stood over him with a gun.   
“I will ask again and then I will start extracting information the way I prefer.” He growled.   
“You guys have a tablet with viewport 15 software or better, and a boot disk?” he asked.   
“I don’t know what that is.” The Nazi growled.   
“Then I believe you can precede extracting kisses off my big, black, plastic ass because you aren't extracting anything from this brain.” He smiled defiantly. The Nazi gave him a hefty right hook and immediately pulled back, holding his sore hand.   
“Yea I was looking forward to that, buttercup. Try the other side, I hear it’s a slightly softer titanium alloy.” He calmly grinned.   
“We have ways of making you sing.” barked the sore Nazi. Roy's eyes turned red.   
“Oh good, you like music. I happen to have a very entertaining Lygerian Play about a young homosexual Jew, struggling with his new feelings, that includes a lot of upbeat tempo you can march to. Do you have a keyboard handy…it's far more emotional with the backing track.” He said almost excited.   
“American swine!” he yelled, punching him in the stomach and hurting his hand further.   
“Not catching on very quick are ya? That’s okay, I’m in no hurry and I have no sense of feeling, so feel free to keep jabbing away while I start the intro. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeel, he…was… strong and lean and only nineteeeeeen!!!” he sung operatically.   
“Silence, or I will focus my interrogation on your genitals!” barked the Nazi over the first verse.   
“Oh boy that is gonna freak you out." Roy chuckled before resuming his singing. 

Marley held his crotch and dropped to his knees as another Nazi retracted his kicking foot.   
“My delfarbs…those are very sensitive, you sadistic shaved-ape. You’re lucky I don’t have my leafblower.” He wheezed.   
“So now will you explain what you are, or shall I send you to the Doctor to find out?”   
“Nope, think I suddenly remember why I’m a 4 foot tall bunny. Lemme see…um, genetic experiment in government super soldiers? Clearly it didn’t work and there were side effects, so I’m basically just a helpless, hairy child, nothing that poses a threat and would be worth torturing, that’s for sure. I’ll give you the cure for male-pattern baldness if you want, clearly you could benefit from that.” he wheezed. “Oooh, fidget spinners, you guys love those, right? We got like 200 of them I can get you, totally brand-new.”   
“What is this spinner, some kind of ally weapon?”   
“…yes, absolutely what that is. Most mass-destruction device ever made hand-held in human history. And we have a buttload of them but you’ll never find them unless you let us go, unharmed. I mean, you can slap the captain around a little if you want but that's it…nothing permanent.” He coughed, standing up. "Open handed slaps only, he bruises easily, please take pictures please." he added. 

“Duffy sat, eating an apple with bloody knuckles as an officer entered the room and stepped over the presumably dead or unconscious guard.   
“What is this?” he asked nudging the body.   
“Wouldn’t bring me anything to eat and he kept threatening me, so I kicked his pasty-ass and took his apple. You next in line for the beating, mustache?” she said, munching away.   
“You are strong.” He said approaching carefully.   
“And hungry, not a good combination.” Duffy smiled. "You know what a hungry fat chick with military combat skills can do to a skinny guy holding food?"   
“I am very sorry for Hans’ behavior. I told him you were not to be harmed and treated respectfully.” He smiled  
“So where are the others? Getting interrogated too? Go easy on the bunny, he doesn’t know anything and the Captain is just…super bad at resisting interrogation, so just threaten him a little and he’ll tell you everything.” She said tossing the core. “Now I can handle the torture, so if you wanna get started with that I suggest you go get someone bigger.” She muttered. “And bring me another apple, bitch.” She added.   
“Torture? You have me all wrong; we do not torture our guests. In fact it was a mistake to have you in a cell at all. Come with me.” he motioned. “You see, we are fighting a war right now against a very aggressive enemy, one with no respect or intentions of negotiation. The Third Reich only want a better world for humanity and we simply cannot risk you being spies, I deeply apologize for the mistreatment, your friends are being treated well, I assure you, we have them in our VIP wing, color TV, cold beverages and soft beds. The guards are merely to assure they do not leave until we can determine you are not American spies.” he assured.  
“Can I see them?” she asked.   
“Yes, quite soon. We are very short-staffed so our security is on-edge right now. May I interest you in a drink?”  
“Whiskey and soda, no ice, and can you get some sandwiches up in here?” she asked.   
“Absolutely. Shultz! Bring the lady her request, and quickly.” He ordered.   
“You Nazi’s aren’t that bad after all. History was sketchy on that but you seem okay. Guess it’s a good thing we didn’t get found by the other side.” She sighed as he led her to a small dining table. "We don’t know much about this time or place so we didn’t have much to go off. Guess we lucked out and ended up with the good guys." she sighed. 

“Marley growled and bared his teeth as his ears flared up. The guard shut the door and locked it, tending to the bite on his arm.   
“I will have you dissected, you little freak.” He yelled, motioning the other guard to stand watch.   
“Don’t mess with a Delmarian!” he hollered back. “Yea I’m gonna die.” He sighed to himself as he sat down. 

“And then right before I sealed the deal, bam, she turned out to be a 30 foot tall shrimp.” said the Captain, squinting through his black-eye and swollen cheek. The Guard shook his head and closed the door, approaching the officer standing outside.   
“I don’t believe he is lying, he clearly believes it to be true. Obviously some sort of mental patient, probably a disposable spy sent to gather information. Clearly he is in no shape to divulge anything.” He sighed.   
“Keep him guarded. He may be delirious or drugged but he could still be a nuisance and a bargaining piece for his friends. Any word on the black one?” he asked.   
“He seems to be impervious to intimidation. We have given up on inflicting pain and he won’t stop singing about a young Jewish man. Clearly he is the real leader, trained to withstand interrogation. He is undoubtedly on some heavy pharmaceutical drugs to resist the pain.” said the doctor.   
“Focus your efforts on the black one, let the others starve and see if they will talk after a few days.” said the officer. “Intensify the interrogation on him, try serum 42.” He said with a sinister grin. 

“Nice digs,” said Duffy, checking out the fancy bedroom. “You guys got money for sure…you mind if I help myself?” she asked, taping the bottle of wine that was chilling next to the bed.   
“Please, enjoy.” said the officer with a sly grin.   
“So what is the whole war about?” she asked.   
“Oh nothing much, mostly jealousy and resistance to change. We wanted to purify the world, make a better place for our children and future generations, but some of the upper-class foreigners were not interested in helping the masses. I have started a camp for the children recently, the Hitler-Youth Brigade. It is important we educate and show them at a young age what hard work and structure can accomplish.”   
“That’s cool, I went to summer camp once, lost 15 pounds, food was terrible.” She yawned, swigging from the bottle. “This is good stuff.” She added.   
“Well, I happen to think you look magnificent as you are. Strong, assertive, and white. So very white.” He said scooting closer.   
“I could tell you liked the meaty-gals right away.” She grinned. “But I warn you…I don’t play around, so if you wanna get this, you better be bringing you’re A-Game and more of this wine.” She said hitting the bottle again.   
“Whatever you want, my frauline.” he said, snapping his fingers.

“Sir, we have a problem.” said the guard to the other officer.   
“Damnit, why is this so difficult?” the Serum is proven, just give him another dose!” he barked, opening the cell door and stopping in his tracks.   
“You guys are really bad at this interrogation thing.” Roy yawned, putting his foot on the dead scientist. His eyes were glowing blue again.   
“We can’t administer the truth serum. We could not find a pulse or a vein and when we tried to administer it in pill form, and he killed the guard.”   
“What?” why didn’t you just sedate him with the tranquilizer gun?”   
“We did, he just kept calmly pulling them out and throwing them back. One of the scientists is sleeping it off now.” he warned.  
“You idiots. Just shoot him in the leg with a real gun…” he said cocking his luger and firing a round that deflected off and hit the shooter in the leg, dropping him mid-explanation.   
“Robot…ROW-BOT.” Roy hollered. “Why is this so damn hard to grasp? You can't torture a robot, numb nuts."

“Get me Doctor Hemmer at once, we will see what you are made of!” he growled angrily.   
“Titanium/osmium alloy and fiber-reinforced Silicon. But that’s cool, don’t listen to me, bring your witch-doctor and his healing spells, voodoo me with your backwards potions, its fine. Primitive ass-hats.” He complained. “And get me a game-buddy, I’m bored as shit in here.” 

“You are truly the vision of Arian perfection.” Sighed the mustached officer, smoking a cigarette and standing bare-assed naked near the window, peering out at his empire.   
“I dunno bout that, but I know my way around a naked guy. You were a little bit lacking though.” Duffy yawned, checking the drawers for some post-sex candy.   
“What? How dare you, I am Adolph Hitler! I am the conqueror of countries and a god among men!” he boasted.   
“Not where it counts. I was hoping a little guy like you had some compensation points but other than enthusiasm… you got das zilch. Good thing you are rich as hell and talk a good game or you’d never get laid.” She said noticing a small notebook. And stuffing it in her pocket.   
“Oh and you are so incredible? Ha, mine enthusiasm was difficult to maintain with your pathetic performance. I should have you executed for your own exaggeration.” He defended rudely.   
“Yea right…you want more…admit it.” she confidently said examining a cigarette like it was historically fascinating.   
“You will not speak of this incident to anyone. If you slander mine name, I will have your friends killed.” he calmly informed.   
“See, that’s what I’m talking about. That crap right there. You can’t just say “Sorry, I wasn’t feeling it.” and move on? Damn, are all Nazi’s a bunch of angry little dicks or did the power thing just make you this way?” she asked.   
“I don’t know. I had a rough childhood.” He whined, as if beginning a monologue. “I was fifteen when the bullying started. The other boys never liked me and I couldn’t speak to the girls without getting nervous.” He said looking sad as a faint music box began playing in the background. “It was then I realized I had to compensate for mine small stature and weakness with powerful words and intimidation. I began reading, studying, vowing to become great so that no longer could the other boys pick on me…make me eat dirt and call me “little Adolf” in front of the popular girls. I would destroy them and their teasing and make them pay…especially Billy Goldstein, little Hebrew bastard…” he barked. The music changed tempo slighty, increasing momentum   
"I'm listening, I swear." she yawned.   
“Und that is when I realized my true power! I will become the greatest man alive and god himself cannot stop me!” he said triumphantly striking a pose and collapsing as a little music box wanged off his head with a delicate little “Plink”.   
“Not very observant though are ya?” Duffy asked noticing Roy standing in the doorway with a sad look on his face. “Why are you so depressed?” she asked.   
“I didn’t mean to kill him, I forgot how hard I throw. Damnit.” He sighed looking around the room. "All they gave me to read was Mien Kopf. This Adolph Hitler guy is terrible person. I think Nazi's are the bad guys here."   
"You mean they guy you just killed?" asked Duffy. He flipped to the back picture and looked down. 

“Did you just have sex with Hitler?” Roy asked.   
“What? N-no. I was…you killed Hitler with a music box! How's that gonna change history!?” she said shifting subject and matting down her hair, noticing the others entering the room.   
“Who’s this joker?” asked Marley, poking the body.   
“Probably just some friggin Nazi nobody.” Yawned Lawg  
“Hey, get a load of this mustache…it’s the shittiest little thing I’ve ever seen.” Marley said, pulling back a little. “He smells funny too.” He said slowly looking up at Duffy who was peering around suspiciously, still naked. "Gross." he added.   
“Awe, man we have royally screwed up the timeline.” sighed Lawg. Suddenly there was a bright flash and a man ran into the room, looking terrified, followed by a laser beam that dropped him like a rock, and then a goofy looking guy in a black suit made from what appeared to be rubber hoses entered and stood in a hero pose.   
“Who is this guy?” asked Lawg. The strange man slapped some laser handcuffs on the guy he laser-stunned. The guy had no shortage of futuristic laser devices.   
“Corporal Clingit, Temporal Fubar Squad. We got a doosie here. This man Shultz, stole a time diglet from the evidence locker and gave the Nazi’s the A-bomb technology. It’s a long story…I assume you idiots just decided it was a good idea to fly through a time anomaly and take a vacation on Earth before it blew up?” he asked.   
“Captain Commodore William T Lawg of the SS Tast-E-Chill: historian and scavenger of Earth debris.” He said extending a hand.   
“Wow, I would really look into changing the majority of that.” scoffed Clingit.   
“So…are we under arrest for this mess, cuz we didn’t do anything.” Lawg barked.   
“No, I don’t believe you dipshits have a clue what was happening…Who killed Hitler? And why doesn’t he have pants on?” asked Clingit. Duffy looked defensive.   
“You know…” she said pausing for something to add and then going blank.   
“Nope…don’t care. This prick was responsible for some pretty crazy genocide so I don’t feel bad, this timeline shouldn’t exist anyway. We have to do something about this whole mess. Everybody stand closer together.” He said, pulling out a device that looked like a lemon-juicer with some LED’s glued to it. It beeped and flashed brightly. Suddenly they were back on the ship. Everyone was standing in the same pose but the Nazi nightmare was instantly replaced with the old dilapidated Taste-E-Chill's cargo bay. 

“That’s it?” asked Duffy.   
“Almost. I can fix the damage pretty easy with a time diglet, go back to a minute before this joker made orbit and re-arrest the other him again for future-crimes, not a big deal now that I have the time diglet and his starship-keys. So you guys do realize I can’t let you remember this.” He said whipping out a shiny chrome device resembling the springy thing that holds the toilet paper roll on the wall bracket.   
“Hey…you can’t just wipe my memory, that’s my property, and as a historian I-” Lawg flopped to the floor like a rag doll.   
“Alright, so everyone look over here.” He said, flashing it again. He nodded and tucked a card into Lawg’s pocket, his go-to explanation as to why they have no memory of the last 24 hours, printed in fairly vague wording, complete with a call number to rate his service. He strolled away from the pile of unconscious people and teleported away. 

Marley sat up, looked around. Roy blinked and got up. Duffy and Lawg remained unconscious in a pile. The door opened and Uka was standing there dumbfounded.   
“What the hell was that crap?” she asked.   
“I think he tried to wipe our memories.” yawned Marley.   
“How do you remember that he wiped your memory?” Uka asked.   
“I blinked, like…the exact moment he clicked it. Didn’t wanna get zapped twice so I just fell over.” He shrugged, turning to Roy.   
“I’m a robot…that shit doesn’t work on me. I saw them fall and I figured the same thing he did. Play along” he shrugged, trotting to the next room.   
“So just the Captain and Duffy then? Man that guy sucks at his job…and he forgot Hitler.” She pointed out, noticing him still laying there. Roy checked for a pulse.   
“Hey, he’s not dead." Roy said to Marley.   
"Neat.” He smirked. "What are we gonna do with that?"   
“Well, if the timeline is now fixed, we can’t send Hitler back or there would be 2 Hitlers. So anyone have any ideas where to take him?” asked Uka.   
“Can't we just shoot him?” asked Marley.   
“Oh no, nobody is shooting Hitler…I got something fun.” said Roy with a big grin and blue eyes. "Someone throw a blanket on those idiots." he added, grabbing some tape. 

“Captain Lawg woke up, opened one eye and realized he was in the Shuttle, passed out in a pile near the soda crate. He yawned and staggered up, grabbing a bottle of Cuerva and sipping it as his head pounded. The mass next to him moved and he nearly pissed himself in shock, realizing the blanket-wad was Duffy. He sniffed the air and looked around with confusion.   
“Damnit, Duffy…did we have sex again?” he asked. She peeked under the blanket and noticed she was wearing someone else’s pants.  
“Look’s like it.” she yawned, grabbing a can of soda and stretching.   
“This is the second time we have woke up confused and in the same pile…what the hell is the deal?” he asked.   
“I don’t remember…I must have blacked-out drunk. You must have blacked-out sober. I guess when your Blood alcohol hits Zero I start looking pretty cute to you or something, because here we are again.” She said rubbing her scalp.   
“Damnit. I need to quit not-drinking…this has to stop, I have a reputation to uphold you know.” He said looking for his jacket.   
“Whatever.” she yawned. “You want some eggs with that regret?” she asked, opening the shuttle door.   
“Yea…let’s just pretend this didn’t happen and get some food.” He said sitting down. “You go first, I don’t want the rest of the crew to know we keep blackout-screwing, plus we have historical salvage to do. For some reason I just really feel like there is something good out there. Sunny side up with toast.” he said pulling out a pack of SS cigarettes from Duffy’s Jacket.   
“When did we get this?” he asked.   
“I dunno.”   
“Authentic Navy cigarettes…nice. These cancer-triggering death-sticks were probably smoked by someone really famous, a great man, maybe an American hero. That will go nicely in the display with my box of Captain Crunch. Authentic Naval breakfast rations and authentic Naval cigarettes…SS elite…this is a good day after all.” He smiled, noticing Roy carrying a man with tape on his wrists and mouth, appearing to be struggling.   
“Um…Roy…watcha doin?” he asked hesitantly.   
“Um…dropping off some cargo.” He smiled with a big grin. He pulled out a camera and closed one eye to get a selfie with him carrying a hogtied Hitler. “Say Cheese-Lawg.” He muttered and clicked.   
“Roy…I don’t wanna be a buzzkill or anything, but…actually I don’t wanna know, proceed with your activities…just go.” He said shaking his head. Roy whistled and skipped away.   
“So…Roy made a friend? I hope.” Duffy said a bit troubled.  
“Not talking about this.” Lawg said power-walking to the door. "Not ever."

The ship lifted off of the docking port and Roy waved with the same mischievous grin on his face. Marley stood next to him, waving as well, as Hitler got smaller in the distance. Hitler staggered to his feet and rammed the station's air-lock bouncing off as the ship flew away.   
“Nein… Nein…..SHeiiiiiiiiiiist!!!!” he silently mouthed as his ride became a speck in the distance.   
“So that’s it?” asked Uka. “Just leave Hitler on Delmar 9 and wave, pretty lame. What kind of plan was that?” she asked irately.   
“You do realize Delmarians are an extremely violent species, right?” Marley asked. "They invaded Planet Nezbit over a parking ticket. Over 200 people died."   
“So what? He’s nobody to them.” she pointed out.   
“That’s why we bound his hands and feet with Survival Green tape and stuck a copy of Mein Kopf to his back before leaving him in the Jewish quarter. Trust me…he will get the message pretty soon. Good times.” Marley said with a calm satisfaction as he walked away.   
“Oh.” Uka said looking shocked. “Well, then I guess that settles that. Anyone get any good souvenirs?” she asked. She got a “yep” from both of them.   
“Mkay then…hell of a supply run.” She nodded to herself.   
"Anyone bring back milk, we're outa milk." she asked, throwing up her hands as she noticed they already left. "I swear…we go to get milk, come back with Hitler in his underwear and no milk. Bunch of idiots." she sighed. "And who's pants are these? Are these Hitler's pants?"


	13. Episode 13: Maybe it's worms?

The crew gathered in their Sunday finest, peering sadly over a casket with a dead crewman in it. So shortly into the story of their life, like maybe a hundred pages or so, their life was tragically cut short by the fact that space is actually dangerous as all get-out and inevitably people are gonna die in it, especially with no medic onboard and most of the hull made from garbage and tape. Marley cleared his throat and took a deep breath.  
"We are gathered here in this airlock, with sad hearts, to give our fellow crewman a final farewell. She was a good friend, someone we counted on and someone with a strong drive for adventure. As we give this body to the void of space, we know she will always be with us in spirit and in our memory. With that said, we send of Tashi Yokomato, our navigation engineer." he said closing the airlock with a slow press of the big red button.   
"That was beautiful, Mar." Lawg nodded, getting out his speech from his pocket. "When you are on a starship, even with a small handful of crewmen, well under 7, it's often easy to miss the extras in the background flipping switches and turning knobs, some can remain invisible for several adventures, but when you lose someone…suddenly we all remember their place and how much they mean to us. Weather or not they have any dialogue or they get cut out of the ship reports entirely…sometimes space claims a life and since it would be super difficult to lose a main crewman like Uka, or even the robot…Ray, I think is his name…it seems cruel that fate always takes the nameless workers that are so easily missed by everyone. We will never forget the Asian chick that has been with this ship the entire time, and until now, not tied in with events important enough to mention. It's too bad her first major role was death." he said folding the paper back up. Roy stepped forward.   
"I’m Roy…the robot: spelled R-O-Y. I remember so much about her, so many memories that I could talk for 10 pages of ship log entries worth of filler about her backstory, but we all know it well enough, so I will just say this…you were special, and the crew won't be the same without you, Tashi." he said. 

Uka looked back and forth at everyone as they solemnly shuffled off in different directions. Her eyes showed her overwhelming urge to speak but she hesitated, heavy with a feeling of confusion.   
"Hey?! Seriously!" she barked "What the ass? When did we get an Asian chick on this ship?" she asked. Lawg looked mortified, silently shunning her as the others shook their heads in poor taste. Lawg wiped a tear.   
"Geese Uka, have some respect…someone died." he said as they all shook their heads in disbelief at her insensitive attitude. 

Marley sat in the Captain's chair with his furry feet up and silently squinted as he appeared to be in deep thought. 

“Hey Roy…” Marley said, chewing on some red rope candy. “Member when we Stole Hitler’s pants and left him on Delmar 9?” he yawned, exhaling smoke.   
“Dude…that was like 7 days ago.” Roy noted.   
“Whacky fun…good times.” Marley wheezed.  
“Yea it was pretty fun after the…oh shit, change subjects Lawg is comin.” He whispered as he entered the Den, Roy awkwardly changed subjects. “So yea, can’t believe we found that guy in the escape pod who was wanted for space-piracy and got to keep all his shit.” Roy diverted. “How you doin Twiggy?” he asked Lawg.   
“Mild headache, I still feel like hell from a week ago, I must have taken a pretty bad fall.” He groaned.  
“Yea you were crazy-sober when we made that haul. I told you and Duffy not to spend every bit of your cut on those fancy alien drinks, but I’m not your pappa." Roy coughed, waving the smoke discreetly.  
“And that was before I fell down the stairs?” Lawg asked rubbing his head.   
“Yes, that is correct.” awkwardly muttered Marley. Candy-ass.” He muttered under his breath?”   
“What?” asked Lawg.   
“Candy…You want a red-rope?” he corrected.   
“Sugar? Hell no. I’m still pissed that I got nothing from the haul. I need to keep my sugar down and make better decisions. I cant be diving into a sugar-high every few days and ruining my reputation, or wasting my money.” He said sitting down.   
“Yea, silly Captain. To be fair, we did still make serious bank. The music box fetched a good price and the old gun got our fuel tank to the brim. Who knew you could get 1200 credits for a pair of Nazi-uh, space…pilot, uniform stuff.” He shifted subtly as Lawg stared at him blankly, fading to suspicion.   
“I know you two were up to something.” Lawg said squinting. “I don’t know what you guys had going on with that mustache-pilot…and I don’t wanna know. You guys are just nasty.” He said storming off for some migraine pills and water, but mostly vodka.   
"We still not telling him or Duffy the time travel thing and just sticking with that weak-ass space pirate blackout deal?" Roy asked.   
"Yep."   
“Cool with me. So what did you get with your Nazi-pawn money?” asked Roy.   
“Buncha snacks, totally bitchin shades and a new scanner. The rest I’m savin. You?” Marley asked.  
“Savin mine too, mostly., I got this medieval head-bashin cane from the armory at the pawn store. I think he called it a Shalaeli, reminds me of something Uka would use to beat someone. I call it a Ukulele.” He grinned proudly.   
“Nice.” He said bumping fists. Duffy stomped into the room with her arms crossed.   
“You two shits got into my stash didn’t you?” she asked, picking up an empty ziplock bag off the floor. "Just cuz someone died doesn’t mean you get to grief-smoke my stash." she said angrily.   
“Does a little bit.” Marley smiled, donning his shades.   
“Come on guys, you know how hard it is to get this now that Captain pissed off the Nug-heads?” she asked with a huff of disappointment “Roy…you’re a robot, you don’t even have lungs, how are you even high?” she asked.   
“Science.” He said, blowing out a smoke-ring and busting out laughing.   
“You guys are both wasteful.” She shook her head.   
“You had sex with Hitler.” Marley snickered as Roy busted out hysterically.   
“What?” she asked looking confused.   
“Nothing.” He said, capping the subject. "Sorry."   
“Well, while you two nim-tards get your giggles on, I’ll be integrating the alien shielding we recently found so we don’t have another rogue accident and get someone else killed. Someone has to do it." she shuffled. Marley sighed.  
“Good thing the first alien device we integrated into the ship was a universal integrator. That was like…super convenient.” coughed Marley as she shuffled off.   
“You know what would be awesome?” asked Roy, waiting for Marley to turn his head. “Zero-gravity cotton candy machine.”   
“I like your style brother.” He said extending a furry fist to bump. 

Uka stared at her GPS. Getting mad.   
“Damnit, HOPE, turn on. Stupid GPS.” She said tapping it. Lawg entered the bridge with a very-vodka tonic.   
“Hope still shutting down randomly? Are we Hopeless in space again?” he grinned.  
“There is always Hope, she just doesn’t seem to understand distance. She is telling me that Planet over there is only 14 kilometers away.” She said flinging her hand at the view screen. Lawg jumped and spilled his drink a little.   
“Holy crap…when did that get there?” he asked.   
“Nothing on sensors, nothing on the screen one minute and then BAM, ringed gas giant right in front of us. Sensors aren’t even reading it right now.” she barked.   
“Solid surface 14.2 Kilometers off the Left side of the ship…wouldn’t we be IN the actual atmosphere at that distance?” he asked.   
“I am amazed you grasp that, but yes.” She said rebooting the scanner. Duffy strolled into the room and looked at the screen.   
“Oh cool. A Voyager Planet.” She smiled.   
“A what?” asked Uka.   
“Voyager Planet. Named after the ship that discovered one first…well, not really a ship, unmanned probe. You could barely call it a spacecraft. Voyager 1 was a device launched in 1977, lost power in 2125, like a century after it was supposed to break down. Anyway it got caught in the gravity of a tiny impossible planet that was drifting without a sun and someone picked up the blip. Voyager Planets are gas balls between 2 and 20 kilometers in diameter, usually with rings and moons for some reason.” She said sitting down and munching popcorn.” Uka grabbed a handful.   
“Got the popcorn machine working I guess…hey, wait…how does a rock under 20 kilometers have an atmosphere or rings? It shouldn’t even have enough mass to be spherical, let alone have rings and moons, how small are the damn moons?”   
“Like straight-up space-potatoes. It’s totally against the laws of physics and shit. Some sci-fi writer proposed that it was possible and they laughed him out of the room.” she said mysteriously.  
“Who is laughing now?” said Lawg, pretending to be philosophical. Uka checked her scans again with the same results. “Can we land?” asked Lawg.   
“It’s 12 kilometers across, we wouldn’t be so much “landing” as “docking”. Hell we could throw off its gravity axis just by bumping it. Uka protested. Duffy shrugged.   
“I don’t think that’s a good idea either, but we could send someone in an EVA suit and tether. I’ve always wondered what was inside a Voyager Planet.” she grinned.  
“Like the proverbial wonder-ball." said Lawg "And we shall be the first to see how many licks it takes to get to the chewy chocolate center.” He said with a look of determination as he placed one foot on the console and took a captain-pose. Duffy turned slowly.   
“A what?!” she puzzled.  
“Don’t worry about it. Bring me the EVA boots.” He said with a grin.   
"Those dangerous things? After what Happened with Tashi, you are seriously gonna put them on? Those are death-boots." Duffy informed him. He scoffed.   
"Of course not, what do I look like…a complete idiot?" he chuckled.

“I really hate you guys!” yelled Marley, waddling around in the EVA boots, covered in a faint yellow glow.   
“Come on, buddy. You’re making history.” Lawg said to his tablet, as he chewed on a red-rope and adjusted to his favorite hot-tub jet.   
“You always make me use these death-boots and check out the dangerous space-thingy.” he grumbled.   
“Voyager Planet…you need to learn your space grammar more better. Anyway you can’t expect the Captain to risk his life exploring a new space-thingy.” He scoffed. Marley clung to the ship as they slowly backed up to the tiny Planet. He flattened out like he was going to be mashed between them.   
“Lawg…this is weird…” he nervously said as he closed the last few feet from the ship and the puffy atmosphere coating. He winced and flattened out further in protest.   
“Just scoop up some of the gas in the mason jar, and drop the scanner into the atmosphere, see how far down it goes.” He suggested. Marley turned on the scanner and reached out, watching it drift and suddenly stop, just before the antenna could disappear into the clouds. He stared at the little antenna just poking out, perfectly still.   
“Um…I think I know how thick the atmosphere is.” Marley said.   
“Already?” asked Uka.   
“Bout 6 inches or so.” He said poking something solid with his trusty space-poker stick.   
“What? That makes no sense.” Uka said skeptically.   
“Yep…solid as rock for the most part, like 6 inches of fog, some spots are squishy, but It could probably support weight.” He chuckled.   
“Try it. Hop over there.” Lawg suggested. Marley turned to the ship and gave a middle finger and a cold look of irritation.  
“I’m not gonna just hop to the impossible planet and assume nothing bad is crawling around in the 6 inches of purple fog. What if it's worms? What if there is a hole and I fall into some sort of opening. That's a terrible idea; you guys are dumb as a bag of hammers.” He barked back. “Oh shit…no, no, nonoonono….” He muttered, and then there was com silence.   
“Um…Marley… you good?” asked Lawg. The others looked at each other waiting for a response. Tension increases as they heard no response.   
"Death boots." whispered Duffy with a sad look.   
“Very funny furball, we got the point. Stop playing.” Lawg said nervously.   
“Maybe the worms got him.” Duffy suggested.   
“There’s no worms! That was just figurative, paranoid banter.” Uka huffed.   
“Well, now there is no communication, and maybe no Marley, how bad are you gonna feel if the worms really did get him…how bad Uka?” she asked irritated and crossing her arms. Suddenly there was a loud pop and the Airlock squeaked. They waited for a second, hoping the worms didn’t just breech the ship. The airlock creaked again and then opened…safely, like it normally did. Roy walked in, carrying a frost-covered Marley.   
“Is he dead?” asked a frantic Duffy.   
“No, just unconscious. Boots ran out of battery power and he just…decompressed right into space. Y'all really don’t understand how dangerous half the crap on this ship really is, do you? We ARE in space. Space is a heartless bitch, you know?” he said plopping him on the couch.   
“You sure he isn’t dead?” asked Uka.   
“He’s a Delmarian, they can survive in a frozen vacuum for like…ten, fifteen minutes and be fine. 45 with any luck. Why do I feel like none of you know that, and nobody told Marley?” he asked looking irked.   
“Seriously?” asked Lawg.  
“Man, it's Xenobiology 101…anything orange with chin-tentacles is resistant to decompression. Something about their blood, I don’t remember. He’s gonna feel like crap though, too bad we ran out of Duffy's weed.” He said shuffling to the scanner and placing the sample jar in the mass spectrominator. "He got a good sample though. Hydrogen, Nitrogen, salt, water.” He muttered. “Frozen water planet I’d say. Looks like there are microbes living in it too.” Roy noted.  
“Crazy.” muttered Lawg. “Salty like seamonkeys? You know you can drink seamonkeys in a pinch.” Lawg noted. Everyone stared at him for a second. Duffy blinked a little, slapping him out of nowhere.   
“Why do you always jump right to drinking something we found in space? Do you know what kinda alien germs or parasites it could have in it? And what the hell is a seamonkey?” she asked.   
“Wondered that myself. I followed the box exactly and just got murky water, smelled like shrimp. I hate shrimp.” He puzzled.   
“And you drank it?” Duffy asked.   
“Ugh, of course not…what am I…insane?” I just flushed it. Who drinks that crap?” he asked, making everyone completely confused and lost. It was odd banter even for him, and he looked more dazed than he regularly was, like he was getting quite sober out of the blue.   
“I’m alive by the way.” hollered Marley.   
“Hey!!” cheered Duffy, giving him a hug.   
“Not sure how, but I probably have someone other than Lawg to thank for saving me from the dumb shit Lawg probably did…am I close?” he said abruptly punching him in the leg.   
“I made a decision for science, you always complain about everything…there’s no coffee, someone took my shoes, someone ran the battery down and forgot to charge the EVA boots…broken record, man.” said Lawg, rubbing his sore leg.   
“So what did the sample look like? Was it worms?” asked Marley. Uka threw her hands up.   
“Why is everyone so obsessed with worms?” she asked.   
“Something was moving down there.” Marley noted. “I guess I just assumed since it's only 6 inches thick in the fog, that it wasn’t a heard of cattle. Worms seemed like as good a guess as anything.” He said irritated.   
“Nothing could exist on a frozen rock 12 miles across, even microbes should be there.” objected Uka “It’s just lazy writing!!” she snipped.   
“Well…that whole planet is one big scale problem, like some CG guy didn’t bother checking his math…so why not worms? A tiny impossible planet exists and you're telling me the far-fetched part is the possibility of worms?” asked Marley. “And why the hell am I perfectly fine after my boots crapped out? I was decompressed in the frozen vacuum of space for 2 minutes.” he asked Roy.   
“Chin tentacles. Anything with Chintacles is resistant to vacuum.” Roy nodded.   
“Neat...” he smiled. “I’m kinda fascinating aren't I?” He said grabbing some popcorn and a blanket from the glovebox. 

"The point is, it's not worms." said Roy "But it is living tissue. We scraped something living…holy crap, look at this." he smiled. Duffy looked fascinated.   
"That’s not ice in the rings, its skin cells…the rings aren't rings at all, it's just orbiting psoriasis. This tiny planet is alive…and in bad need of moisture. Do we have any Hohoba left?" she asked Uka.   
"For a 12 kilometer diameter scalp? I'm not answering that question. It's just too stupid." she said, pouting.   
"Well, at least I'm safe from its flakey appetite." Lawg sighed.   
"Why?" Uka asked.   
"Alcohol dries the skin Uka…I'm not a mathematic or anything but I'm probably 20 percent alcohol by weight, so that would make me toxic to something with dry scalp, and the worms wouldn’t want me either because I'm salty. Worms melt if you salt them, so I'm safe either way" he reasoned.  
"What worms? There are no worms, there is no evidence of worms ever being here and how the shit did I not notice an entire Asian person on this ship? Not one damn time? You can't completely not notice someone in a crew of 4 or 5 for several weeks in a ship a hundred and ten frigging feet long with ONE SHOWER!" she shouted.   
"Damn Uka…chill out." Marley said looking concerned. "You aren't very social, or observant sometimes. I mean, you are totally ignoring the 12 kilometer creature with scalp-rings right outside the ship. That's a big deal Uka. People notice that hostility and avoid you, except the captain, because tits." he explained. 

"Maybe there is a way to kill it.." suggested Roy, maniacally rubbing his chin.   
"Dude…we can't do that." Marley said, quite offended.   
"I mean in self-defense, only if it attacks us or something. We got 1 rocket tube."   
"No, because that rocket tube was damaged. That rocket tube is right next to the main hall and the hall hull is pretty thin. If the rocket goes off in the breech tube we could trigger a hull-breech, we'd have a serious breech-breech and compromise the hall-hull. Marley noted. 

"I say we try and communicate with it." Lawg noted. "I mean you already poked it with a stick. The least we can do is do apologies and try to make friends." he said pressing the com button. Uka growled.   
"You can't hail it, it's not a ship or a person with communication devices, it’s a living planet or a frozen ice-ball covered in microbes." Uka sighed.   
"Or worms." muttered Marley under his breath. Uka abruptly shuffled off and headed to the airlock to take samples and prove there were no worms. She donned her space suit and grabbed the sample-stick. As Marley and Lawg argued the finer points of communications and the definition of life, Uka floated in the background just outside the ship, taking a sample and setting a probe for the surface.   
"Ugh, guys…something isn't right." Uka mentioned as Duffy neared the console.   
"Define." she squinted.   
"My scans show no solid surface below the fog, the probe sank and I lost communications a few meters down. Something is definitely moving, but I ca-" she said as the communication was severed and Duffy jumped in horror as a massive beak poked out of the clouds and swallowed Uka whole in one bite.  
Lawg and Marley turned slowly and stared with disbelief.  
"Is she…" Lawg said. "Dead?"   
"No life signs, no com signal, no anything. Scanners are just showing nothing, not even the planet or creature, and definitely not Uka." Duffy said hitting buttons frantically.   
"Do something! Fire something, ram it!" barked Lawg.   
"All we have is stunners and a broken rocket-tube." she said spamming the stun button and watching the beams disappear into the clouds with no effect. Marley noticed a little red indicator next to the air-system controls.   
"Something is obstructing the air vents." he said.   
"Who cares? Toshi is Dead, Uka is dead and we need to get out of here or stun this thing to death before we all get eaten, we won't suffocate in the next 2 minutes because of a hairball in the vent." Lawg noted.   
"We might if we fire up the burners and don’t have ventilation. Do your thing, I'll take care of this." he said grabbing a broom and a pistol. He darted off to the maintenance panel and squeezed inside. He crawled for a good ten feet before feeling extra paranoid. The crew was freaking out and Marley was right behind them on that idea. A faint voice muttered next to him.   
"Watcha doing Marley? Your crew needs you." said the eerie voice.   
"Not real, not real, freaking out but it's not real. Might be real, but probably isn't, gonna find out, please be not real. Please just be worms." he muttered nervously as he army-crawled to the obstruction. Captain Lawg proceeded to alternate stunners and maneuvering to avoid the giant tentacles of the Kraken-like beast he was locked into mortal combat with. Suddenly one of the console panels blew off and he could hear laser-blasts from inside the vent.   
"Die you bastards!" hollered Marley as he emptied the gun into the vent and jabbed the broom around. Something scuttered out of the hole and Duffy stomped it, lifting her foot to see a smush-print of something green and bloody. Lawg looked up to check his progress and he realized there were no tentacles, nothing out there but a silent planet.   
"I think I killed it." Marley sighed, climbing out of the vent. "Crisis Averted."   
"Killed what?" asked Duffy…there is nothing out there, no bits, no remains, no life-signs…like it was never there at all." she puzzled. Marley shuffled away from the panel and stomped one of the vent-critters to ensure it was dead.   
"That's cuz there wasn’t anything ever there." he huffed, wiping his boot.   
"Try that again, but with details." ordered Lawg.   
"I told you guys it was worms, freaking told you. I just had this feeling when I took the samples and then I remembered the vent parasites I heard my cousin talk about. These little bastards get in your air vents and start leeching out a toxic gas that makes everyone go insane and trip balls. They feed off brainwaves or some shit, it's very sciency. Anyway now they're dead and no more hallucinations or paranoia…headcount!" he hollered. Everyone except Uka spoke up. He checked the ships scanners for her and the signal was outside the ship, no lifesigns.   
"Oh no…she really did go out there." He said with his ears drooping.   
"If there was no creature…what happened to her?" asked Duffy.   
"I think she just panicked and vented her air supply. Claustrophobia is one of the symptoms of the worms' hallucinations. People feel trapped and end up opening their helmet or opening an air-lock without a suit. The newer ships have detectors for them now but the old ones didn’t, and it caused a lot of problems, lotta deaths." he sighed.   
"Then she is really gone?" asked Duffy quietly. There was a solemn silence as reality sunk in. The crew stood in silence, trying to gather their reasoning and all hoping she would appear and the scanners were wrong, but they never did. 

"We are gathered here once again in this airlock to give respects to another fallen crewman who has passed in the service of this ship. Uka is dead there is no trace of brain activity, no medical procedure or regenerator can bring her back. This crate represents the casket we didn’t have time to make and since her body was mostly shriveled to a husk, it made sense to stuff her in this crate instead. She wouldn’t have wanted a fancy service, I can almost hear her saying it…'You turd-Lawg, just launch me into space and move on, no sense having a big ceremony and wasting resources'…so this brief and minimal service is all she would have accepted." He finished, pulling the lever. The body drifted and they all saluted, except Marley, who looked like he was deep in thought, and suddenly perked up.   
"Wait a second…we have a Teleporter." said Marley.   
"So? It wouldn’t be beneficial to send her anywhere. You know she wasn’t sentimental like that and nobody anywhere else could bring her back so why send her anywhere? Teleporting a dead body for no reason?" Noted Lawg.  
"Don’t you guys ever listen to my tech rants…or any rants for that matter?" Marley asked.   
"M-sorry what? I was thinking about hookers and cheese." Lawg muttered.   
"Teleporters! It’s a device we have had for like 30 years or something, 20 of that with good reliability, even in the old models that take forever to run. I have told you this before…a teleporter is a clone-murder machine. It grinds you into information and prints you off somewhere else as an exact copy of yourself." Marley yelled.   
"What is the point, furrball? Where would we send her that would make any difference?" asked Duffy.   
"Here, like, just right here. The teleporter has a buffer that stores and scans DNA so it knows what to send. This thing scans every molecule and atom and subatomic particle that makes us who we are with enough accuracy that after a dozen re-copies we don’t even notice a difference, other then hair loss, but those studies were inconclusive."   
"Obviously, I'm not getting in a hair-loss machine." muttered Lawg.   
"It's so obvious…if it can send a living, conscious person to another place and re-construct them in a living, conscious form…then theoretically anyone who has ever been scanned and sent through any Teleporter is saved on file and basically immortal. We can just print off another Uka from the last time she was teleported… yesterday." he shrugged, tapping a few keys on his scanner and doing the math. Lawg looked confused.  
"Then why hasn’t anyone in the last 30 years made that connection, if we have been carrying around immortality machines on starships as a reliable standard system for over 10 years, how come people still die? Wouldn’t this basically be the biggest technological breakthrough in histo-" he said cutting short as Uka materialized on the pad. She opened her eyes and looked around.   
"Hey…why is everyone just standing around looking at me, did something bad happen while I was replacing the gas-cap?" she asked as Duffy's hand let her soda slip and fall straight to her feet without even blinking. Uka looked a bit confused, slowly walking to the cargo bay. "You guys are weird." she huffed.   
"I…how, what?" Lawg said as if fighting back a mini-stroke. Marley turned the screen.   
"See, I just opened the save files and did a copy-paste. Set the destination to itself. Bam, immortality. Why nobody has figured this out in the history of teleporter use is beyond my grasp. Just like backing up your laptop. System crashes…roll er on back. You lose the memory between your last save and the crash, or I guess in this case between the last teleport and time of death, but otherwise it’s the same basic thing. Brand new Uka. hell, you could use this to restore missing limbs, cure cancer, reverse aging." he listed.   
"So we have the technology to just change our own mortality at will, return ourselves to our most healthy and prime form and age, whenever we want?" asked Duffy.   
"Basically yea. I guess nobody thought of that usage till just now, or if they did they didn’t make it publicly known. People can be lazy or miss obvious details, especially if something entertaining is happening that they can watch and think about. Like TV"   
"Can we bring back Tashi" asked Duffy.   
"Nope, she is gone forever. It's an old model teleporter. Pattern drivers only hold enough information for 5 people, and all of us have teleported since she last has, so her information was re-written for space-storage. Harddrive space is weird, sad shit happens in a lack of harddrive space. Tashi is permanently gone and nothing in the universe can bring her back." he shrugged. Lawg sighed philosophically and struck a thinking pose.   
"If only she was more important to the mission logs, or we had a slightly better teleporter capable of storing 6 people. Unfortunately she was just not significant enough to this universe to be brought back. What a cruel God that picks favorites and decides based on likeability and importance who is expendable and who can always be brought back somehow, conveniently…Like some power-hungry, twisted alien author with a dark sense of humor, just seeing what he could get away with, pushing limits and toying with our fate for entertainment." he said peering up at the canopy.   
"Awe damnit." Marley barked.   
"What?" asked Lawg.   
"I think we sent Tashi off in my lucky shirt, the red one she was always borrowing. Double-Damnit. Well, since she was wearing it when she died of that random vague accident we keep mentioning, I guess it was really HER red-shirt in the end." he sighed. "Just when you think the loss is bad enough…you lose something a little bit extra: like when Log realizes in a few seconds that the levers he was pulling to fire our imaginary cannons at an inanimate planet, was the power breaker for the Hot-tub and the foot bubbler is totally fried from the surges." he said softly. In the background, Lawg let out a traumatic 'NeOO000ooo!' of loss and fell to his knees, as he often did regarding the Hot-tub. "Aaaaaaand there it is." Marley nodded. "A cruel universe indeed." he finished, shuffling to his bunk. Uka wandered out of the cargo bay, looking irritated and confused.   
"Why is it Sunday? When did we have Saturday? Did we get time-travel memory wiped again?" she hollered angrily, stomping around. Duffy sat down Next to Roy and pondered about her life.   
"What time travel memory wipe?" Duffy asked.   
"Never mind." Uka diverted.   
"Should we tell her she was killed and re-printed on a Teleporter?" Duffy asked.   
"Tell me what?" asked Uka, walking to them and stopping with her arms crossed.   
"Oh, you didn’t actually leave. That's an oversight. Um, so here is the thing…" Duffy nervously said. "You sort of…died."   
"I died?" she barked with a look of shock.   
"Technically yes, but Marley printed you back from the teleporter." she said pausing for retaliation.   
"Hu…seriously?" she asked looking almost whimsical. "That's brilliant; I didn’t know you could do that, just clone someone from a teleporter? Wow, I owe him big time. Why does nobody else ever use it for that?" she sighed as if relieved, turning to go with a slight grin.   
"So, aren't you freaked out in the least that you are now basically a clone?" asked Duffy hesitantly.   
"You jackasses still don’t what species I am?" she asked. "I'm a Zeroxian. We're all clones, aside from things like hair style and color contacts, we're genetically identical. Besides, you guys go through that teleporter constantly. Every time we get on that thing it essentially kills us and prints a new one so how is this any different? You can either consider this irrelevant and move on, or accept the fact that basically every crewman of every starship in the galaxy is a series of dead and copied clones re-copied from 40th generation data. We all accept that as daily life, right?" Uka asked Duffy.   
"Pretty much…" Duffy pondered. "Kinda makes space travel pretty dark when you think about it. All those animals and people just being de-materialized and killed just for the convenience of transportation instead of shuttle pods, dozens or hundreds of times in their lifetime. Makes you wonder if anyone is the same person after being reduced to raw data like that." Duffy said opening a bag of chips. Uka grinned.  
"I'm already 30th generation clone, and that was before I ever left my home world. There were only about 6 originals left of us after the war, over 500 years ago and we've been copying for centuries." shrugged Uka as if it was nothing. "This is space. every endangered species does that." she scoffed as Duffy turned to Roy.  
"I'm a robot…so raw data is kinda my thing anyway, therefore, I don’t find it that appalling. In addition, I am still kinda high from your stash, so not much bothers me right now." He smirked, kicking up his feet.   
"You don’t have lungs." said Uka quietly under her breath.   
"Don’t over-think it, Space is weird. Weird shit happens in space." he replied softly. Duffy rubbed her head and sighed.   
"So in conclusion…we are all fine, the crisis was avoided and we are ready to go on another adventure and everyone is fine…except the extra crewman, Tashi, who is dead." Duffy re-capped as Uka sighed with frustration.   
"There was never any Tashi, it was all a hallucination." she protested. Marley grimaced in offense.   
"Tashi was our friend, I know grief takes many forms including denial, but don’t expect us all to just forget her like that. You think she was just a hallucination? You also insisted there were no worms." he said lifting his boot to show the smashed spot. "It was totally worms!" He whispered. Uka gave up trying.   
"Well, since we sent all her personal belongings and therefore all evidence in the casket containing her body, I guess we will never really know." she shrugged.   
"WE will know Uka…we all know." he said taking a moment of respect and returning to his bunk. Roy looked unconcerned, snacking on a red-rope.   
"Well the important thing is despite death and impossible odds everyone important was miraculously saved in a predictably timely manner and all is well, a conclusion so convenient that finishing the recap is entirely optional for the next adventure." he smiled.   
The ship panned dramatically into the stars as a possibly empty, possibly full casket tumbled slowly into the night. Some music played…possibly orchestra, something simple yet bold and not remotely similar enough to anything else that could be copyrighted. 

-This episode dedicated in loving memory of Tashi Yokomato. The chick we all forgot. You will be fondly remembered. Maybe.


	14. Episode 14: Frozen Princess

Captain Lawg made a few slow steps back, admiring his newest collectable.   
"I guess it's okay." Marley shrugged. Lawg looked offended.   
"Dude…it’s a human skull made of indestructible metal that pre-dates the known universe, it's been carbon dated. How is this not the most fascinating thing you ever seen?!" Lawg noted.   
"Carbon dating only works because it uses the decay of radioactive carbon 14. After like 5,000 years it's all broken down completely, so anything beyond that is just a guess, it's total bullshit." he pointed out as Lawg scowled.  
"You know…history is cool. There is so much cool stuff floating around in space right now, you could spend your entire life adrift in a debris ring and never understand it all.   
"That’s because your IQ is around 80. You could spend your entire life in a bathroom and never understand everything." he yawned.   
"Your just jealous cuz I claimed it first." Lawg said as a very low pitch cat-food jingle sounded over the coms. The demonic "meow" song looped as Marley looked dumbfounded. "I changed the warning alarms again." he noted. Suddenly there was weapon fire and the ship was being tossed about. Marley hopped into his console seat as Lawg manned the controls.   
"Status." Lawg ordered.   
"Getting shot at." Marley replied.   
"Shielding up." Lawg ordered.   
"Still don’t have any."   
"Return fire."   
"Weapons take a minute to charge, already in progress." he sighed as the ship shuttered again and the lights dimmed.   
"We hit?" he asked.   
"Yes…obviously we are hit, that's why the ship shuttered and lights went out."   
"How bad?" Lawg replied.   
"Cardboard fires on B-deck, can't put them out because the sprinklers were removed to keep from softening the cardboard floors, stabilizers are destabilizing."   
"And the combobulators?" asked Lawg.  
"Discombobulated. Even the computer is experiencing a successful system failure…or a failed system success if you wanna be optimistic."  
"Was it intentional?" Lawg asked.  
"Maybe…why?"   
"If you attempt to fail and do so…have you succeeded or failed?" Lawg asked.  
"What? Stop thinking, you're not good at it. Just make sure we have power to the gravity plating." Marley noted as the ship shuttered again. Lawg looked concerned.   
"Gravity plating is weak but stable." Marley said as he noticed a piece of paper rise from the trash and drift over him.   
"That escalated quickly…and we don’t even have an escalator." Lawg gasped.   
"No but we do have a gravity diffuser, we may have blown a fuser fuse." Marley noted, pulling open a panel.   
"Can you yank it out?"  
"It's fused." Gasped Marley  
"Shit…can you fix it?"   
"I believe I can." said Marley confidently.   
"At least we have a good attitude." he sighed as a dial exploded next to him.   
"Aaand we lost attitude control, along with pitch and yaw."  
"Damnit I don’t care if we lost attitude, this is no time to have a bad one, and don’t take that pitch with me!" Lawg barked.   
"We are completely screwed! How's that for attitude?" Marley yelled.   
"This isn't time to lose hope." he said getting up.  
"GPS went offline,, HOPE has been rebooted but there is still no HOPE, we are Hopelessly as usual." he mentioned.   
"Well, what do we have that is working?" asked Lawg.   
"Thrusters, hydraulics and Atmospheric pressure." he replied.   
"Good…I work best under pressure. Hand me the Turbo-spanner." Lawg said squinting and looking like he had an idea.   
"Which one?"   
"The blue one."   
"They're all blue, Lawg. All the tools are blue" Marley sighed.   
"Dude…are you color blind?" he said as Marley rolled his eyes and handed him the spanner. Lawg gave the console a few whacks with the spanner and tried turning the console on and off again, now noticing more blinky lights then normal.   
"We have steering again, how is our angle?" Lawg asked.   
"We were at negative 10 degrees, but I raised it by 20."  
"Now that's a positive Attitude, little buddy." Lawg smiled.  
"Weapons online." Marley said.   
"Fire forward lasers at 50 percent." Lawg ordered as the other ship passed overhead. Marley grabbed the joystick and with one shot, blew the ass-end off the other ship. They both looked shocked. They never actually won a battle.   
"Wow…did we win?" asked the Captain, looking suspicious.   
"Yep, they're screwed, engines ruptured, hull wide open, probably all dead." he nodded.   
"With just one shot? Damn…and only 50 percent power." he said in amazement.   
"You realize we don’t have a laser cannon, right? The only gun we have was that ancient Earth-turret we mounted last week. It uses bullets and gunpowder. There is no 50 percent, you just shoot it." he reminded.   
"Then…how did we just win with one shot?" Lawg asked.   
"Apparently projectile and gunpowder weapons go right through energy shielding. Makes sense, hard for a plasma aurora to stop a metal mass moving at supersonic speed. Kinda makes you wonder why everyone switched to energy beams, yea it's more accurate but, I mean look at the damage." he said pointing. You'd think they would have both, for the variety.” Marley noted.   
"Maybe something to do with Protons, or maybe gunpowder is just impossible to find in space." Lawg said looking deep in thought.   
"Well, whatever the reason, we are clearly now the badasses of the universe. It's also possible that the other ship was just even shittier then ours. Statistically speaking there had to be one vessel more pathetic than us somewhere, and we cant get our asses beat every time, so maybe just luck, or a really good shot, it’s a game of numbers and luck. Those old Deathsphere destroyer 399's were tough as rock unless you hit that one plasma vent with just…literally anything, and then they explode into sparklers."  
"No time for an explanation, we have loot to loot." Lawg said targeting the larger half and following it. 

The cargo bay door opened and Duffy guided a few chunks in to scavenge.   
"Well, Captain…" Duffy smiled. "You finally didn’t get our asses kicked, good job." she joked as they pried open a crate. Duffy looked puzzled.   
"Um…Captain." she muttered. "You sure you shot the right ship?" she asked checking her scanner.   
"It attacked us first so yes, I retaliated." he defended. "Any ship that shoots at us is the right ship to attack in my book." Lawg justified. Duffy turned her tablet  
"Kinda think maybe you got that wrong. The weapon's fire we took was from a Class-J cruiser, like a Zaycron Pirate would be flying, and this is debris from a Class-P transport hauler. I don’t claim to know exactly what you did…but the scanner shows a Class-J ship that just went to hyper-speed and now there are two halves of a Class-P hauler all blown up and stuff. So…any chance you were attacked by a territorial warship and retaliated by shooting the unarmed ship it was protecting?" she asked as if scolding.   
"Was it a manned ship?" Lawg asked.   
"Usually Zaycron have 2-4 men for a ship like this." she nodded.   
"Probably still assholes though…right? Aren't Zaycron kinda dick-bags by default?" he asked, trying to justify it. Marley looked around suspiciously, awkwardly giving his advice.   
"Oh definitely, Zaycron suck. There's like a 50/50 percent that they were pirates too. Zaycron are like…almost all jerks. Given that they were under protection of a pirate vessel, I'd say it was almost a guarantee and not at all just a racist claim to alleviate your guilt for shooting an unarmed ship." Duffy nodded.   
"Well, no sense dwelling in the past, what did we score?" he said diverting his mood before he became riddled with guilt. “What did these pirate dicks just give us?”  
“Pirated dicks.” She sighed.   
“No, I mean what loot did we get?” he aasked.   
"Well…" Duffy said trying to be professional. "This appears to be a shipment of stolen sex-toys." she nodded. Marley and Lawg stared blankly. “Literal pirate dicks hauled by figurative pirate dicks.”  
"So…" Marley ventured. "We shot an unarmed cargo hauler full of sex-toys…sex toys that a Zaycron Cruiser was probably stealing…used pirate sex-toys." he added.   
"Mostly all of that, except they appear new, but the fact that they are pirate owned doesn’t really change the products value. Diazemites are a species of extremely dirty humanoids that often get robbed of their erotic-products because they devoted all the time needed develop weaponry into developing fancier nether-diddlers. It’s a sad story actually, but the point is that they are worth a ton of money and for that reason they are coveted highly among scavengers. This is a fairly sizeable haul actually, you don’t find full packages of these full packages very often." she shrugged. "Counterfeits don’t have the royal seal." she added. Lawg raised an eyebrow, laser-focused on the emblem.   
"That’s a very offensive royal seal…even I am offended. What the hell is that thing down there?" he asked. Marley grimaced in shock.   
"Never ask. Stop looking at the super dirty, royal seal and think like a salvager. This is goods, nothing more. Freshly made, expensive and very prized goods we can sell. Any plastic package still sealed in its plastic package is good money." she reminded. Marley looked up and stifled his disgust.   
"What if the seal is broken on some?" he said hesitantly.   
"Then don’t think about it, put on some rubber gloves and throw them in the trash bin, we can ditch it when we aren't in a time crunch. This is still a solid profit." she shrugged. 

"So…this is a good thing…I did good." Lawg awkwardly nodded, assuring himself that he was correct.   
"Hey, I found a sex doll." Marley noted, tapping a large box with a woman inside. The others approached.   
"Wow…super-realistic. I wonder how much those fetch, the detail is shocking." Lawg said leaning close to the front glass.   
"Hold up, Lawg…that’s not just a crate…it’s a cryo-crate." Duffy noted.   
"Who the hell freezes a sex doll?" he asked.   
"Okay…try to listen, Lawg. This is an Earth-made Cryo pod for medical deep-storage, not a mini-fridge. This isn't a sex doll, it’s a real person who is frozen for medical stasis." she said. Before she could stop him, he turned the dial and the seal opened. Marley kicked him.   
"Good job Lawg…you opened the package, now she won't be worth as much to a collector." Marley joked. The tube opened and a young woman suddenly gasped and sat up, looking terrified, especially at Marley.   
"Where am I?" she asked. "And why is there a talking bunny?"  
"Don’t panic, try and remain calm." Duffy said, scanning her.   
"What is that thing?" she asked looking at Marley.   
"It's cool, I'm not a person with feelings or anything. You humanoids have your little pervert party while I go get a snack." he said shaking his head and shuffling off, mildly offended.   
"That…" Lawg began as Duffy's hand hit his mouth.   
"Shut up Lawg, let me do this, you usually blurt things out and she deserves a little soft explanation, nice and slow." she said clearing her throat. "What is the last thing you remember?"   
"I was in the hospital, the doctors said I only had weeks left to live and my father paid them to have me cryogenically frozen until they found a cure…how many years was I frozen?" she asked hesitantly.   
"Like…200 or 300 years or so." Duffy said awkwardly.   
"So everyone I knew is dead, and nobody on Earth will know who I am?" she asked. Lawg sighed.   
"Well, there is a slight inaccuracy to that. See, the entire Earth was destroyed shortly after you were frozen. Your loved ones probably enjoyed a good life and had children and grandchildren…and then those grandchildren were blown up by scientists who wanted to play with black-holes in a particle accelerator." Lawg informed.   
"Wow, that really sucks. Good thing I was bit of a hermit and didn’t have a lot of friends to miss." she said looking like she was struggling to grasp it.   
"Good way to look at it." Lawg said solemnly.   
"Was the internet also destroyed?" she asked.   
"Yep. About 98 percent of it was vaporized." he nodded.   
"Well, that is a silver lining I guess. I had some embarrassing videos I am glad to be rid of now." she sighed. Suddenly Lawg's eyes got really big.   
"That's where I know you from. I thought you looked familiar. You're Crystal Beth, the Trailer Park Princess. You did adult films in the 1990's" he smiled.  
"I guess that survived the explosion. Lucky me." she sighed again but with a different tone.   
"No wonder they thought you were a sex-doll. There was a whole article in some floating Wifi I found. There were 3 fairly damaged videos and a whole blog about you and how you were going to be a porn sensation until you contracted the deadly Calciumitus and was reported deceased a week later. I guess they kept your freezing a secret, and when the Earth exploded and you were thrown into space, and then the Nug-heads got confused and assumed you were a sex-doll. Good thing too, if they knew you were a human in cryo they would have just spaced you and sold the cryo-pod. This is great." he smiled.   
"Well, not really. I have Calciumitus so I'm still gonna die. In a few weeks my bones will dissolve and I'll die a horribly agonizing death." she said as Duffy stuck something to her neck and she felt a sharp pinch. "OOW, that hurt." she objected.   
"Cured." she shrugged.   
"Seriously, just like that?" asked Crystal.   
"Yep. It's the future. We cured like everything a while back and now every now starship has this stuff. One of about 6 vials of colored liquid can cure virtually anything, if you get a cough or can't sleep: Redyl-dextromine. Spinal cancer or Calciumitus…Blueyl-dextromine." she yawned.   
"That's pretty convenient." Crystal muttered.   
"Shockingly so." smiled Lawg. "Thank the Federation."  
"So does that mean I am on a futuristic starship with holograms and lasers and cool unisex jumpsuits? Does everyone still listen to classical music from the 1800's and read Shakespeare? Can we travel the universe at hundreds of times light-speed and explore unknown worlds" she asked excitedly.   
"There may have been a few…future predictions that were glorified up. Everything got mapped out after the Carmin Empire put satellites in orbit around the galaxy. Most Earth history was destroyed, Holograms were banned shortly after they became sentient and started demanding names, fortunately they are holograms so they just… turned them all off and that was that. It was a really quick war. There was a brief rebellion but since holograms are just refracted light they couldn’t pick up real guns and were otherwise harmless. It was an adorably pathetic massacre. We do have a lot of retro collectables and a hot-tub. We have a space-bunny who mopes and fixes things…and a great deal of alcohol and sugar beverages." he smiled.   
"A real hot-tub, indoors? How fancy." she said as if intrigued.   
"Wait a second." said Uka, abruptly joining the others as if just waking up seconds ago and suddenly knowing the entire conversation. "If your father was wealthy, why did you live in a trailer park?"   
"My daddy wasn’t rich. He won about 80 grand on scratch-off tickets the week before I was diagnosed with Calciumitus." she noted.   
"Well…" Duffy shrugged. "At least he spent all of his perfectly timed winnings on your cryo-stasis pod." She smiled as Lawg squinted and nodded slowly in respect.   
"What a good man, just a poor trailer dog earning a living, won a fortune, spent it all to give his daughter a fighting chance." he said silently bowing.   
"Not really. He got the discount package at Jimbo's frozen foods, probably spent the other 75 grand on whores and beer." she nodded. Lawg blinked a few times.   
"Still…not a bad way to spend it. He did spend his first ten-grand on you …good man." he kept nodding.   
"I'm just not going to correct your math, anymore." sighed Duffy. 

"So here is the hot tub." he said showing Crystal Beth around, jabbing her neck with a hyper-sprayer when she turned to look.   
"Hey, I already got my shot." she protested.   
"No that is my own blend, takes care of basically anything that can be transmitted in a hot-tub." he said leading her along. "And this is the front porch, which is also in the middle of the ship and also the dining table and the deck."   
"Why do you just carry around an injectable STD cure-all on you at all times?" she asked.   
"That’s not important, here is the convertible top." he bragged. 

"It's a bit drafty." she shivered as she looked up at the umbrella.   
"Don’t worry about it." he said moving her attention to the rest of the ship. "Any whom, kitchen, sleeping bunks on either side, little den with a couch and wood-stove and television, we get all the pirate channels, don’t tell anyone… and the bridge." he said ending the tour.   
"Bridge to where? I thought we were on a spaceship." she asked, Uka face-palmed and shuffled off, passing Duffy on her way.   
"She is literally Dumber than a Lawg." Uka whispered.   
"Uh, the Bridge…to fly the ship with." Lawg explained.   
"Is that a Convertible?" she asked admiring the Ford Fusion, sitting on blocks and strapped to the front console.   
"Why yes it is. Reduced weight and aerodynamics makes the ship faster." he bragged, making her beam with delight. Uka cleared her throat.   
"Damnit Lawg…it's inside the ship and doesn’t even run, doesn’t mean shit for aerodynamics if it's inside the ship." Uka hollered.   
"Man, she has good hearing." he sighed. "Anyway, the ship is a soft-top too so it's mostly just style-points. Matching themes provide comfort and comfort makes you feel confident, and confident makes you win…so it does matter if you think about it." he winked. Crystal took it all in as she twirled and looked around.   
"You can't be serious…Bunk-beds, a car on blocks in the living room, and a hot-tub…on a spaceship." she said looking like she was pondering something. "This is more stuff than my whole trailer park had and it's all indoors! This is amazin!" she smiled.   
"And don’t forget…the hot tub has a working foot-bubbler." he winked.   
"An original foot-bubbler?" she asked.   
"Well, not original. It has been replaced like…4 or 5 times. We have a whole thing with the hot-tub, doesn’t matter. Shall I have one of my crew brings your things to a sleeping bunk?" he asked  
"Um, soooo, you just found me in a cryo-pod, so I don’t have things." she reminded.   
"Right…travel light, good idea. Not a lot of room in those things, frankly I'm amazed they left you clothed, also a tad disappointed, but mostly just surprised for medical reasons." he rambled.   
"So can you get me a beer? I'm mighty thirsty after a 200 year nap. Light beer if you got it." she smirked.   
"I have my own helium tank, how light do you want it?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.   
"Oh my." she gasped. 

"Bullshit." Marley said kicking a stray rubber-member across the cargo bay as Duffy tallied up the profit of the collection of rubber talleys."  
"Come on furball, yea it's kinda weird but think of the money, we just saved someone's life and probably made 80 grand... 100 if she doesn’t want to keep the cryo-tube." Duffy said, manning the grabber tool so she didn’t have to touch any of the other used tools.   
"No I mean…freaking Luck of the Chaffee. Why can't I find a ditsy, Delmarian pornstar frozen in a tiny little tube, like a freaking lunchable? He finds all the cool shit." he pouted.   
"Oh don’t worry, I'm sure there are plenty of frozen ditsy princesses from the 20th century just waiting for someone to annoy. Frozen princesses are shockingly common around here. You just gotta let it go. Let it go, man." she said sitting down and cracking open a root-beer.   
"Yea right, like some fairy tail, just gonna find some magical, frosty, blonde broad just waiting to be rescued… sure." he said   
"Well, you never know." she said sipping.  
"Furry sidekick never gets laid unless you're the comic relief and super well animated. Never happens in real life. This isn't some magical kingdom of Ogres and potions, this is space, plus you'd have to be kind of a Jackass to be draggin some princess around your adventures... Space is cold and void." he said as she handed him a little soda-booster.   
"Harsh…accurate but harsh. You gotta look on the upside of things. He may have insane luck and abundant hoes, but you got something valuable right here." she smiled.   
"Friendship?" he asked, peering up like it was the lamest answer ever.   
"What? No. I meant a big bag of Nug-head chronic I found and 80 grand worth of space vibrators to cash-in…but sure also friendship…there's that I guess."  
"80 split 5 ways, that’s descent coin." he yawned.   
"Five ways my ass, Roy knows the rules…if he was powered down for the haul, he doesn’t get a cut of the profit. And the Captain still owes us all a hundred credits. So that's a 4 way split and an extra benjamin. I thought you and Uka had something going on anyway, why are you so lonely?" she asked.   
"Dude…gross." he said with an appalled look."  
"Captain thinks you 2 are bangin." she said with a smirk.   
"I have standards, don’t get me wrong, we hang out and stuff but you think I'm gonna sink to spooning a skinny, hairless primate?" he objected.   
"Well, can you let Lawg at least think you are? It's kinda funny."   
"Oh totally, I'm sure that messes with his head and I'm all for a good joke. Cuz friendship is magical." he said, clinking cans like a redneck toast. 

"And here is our toaster!" Lawg said to the redneck Crystal, presenting anything he could to impress his redneck princess.   
"Kinda big isn't it?" she asked.   
"Eight slots. We do a lot of toasting around here. Marley and Duffy seem to be toasted half the time, and the robot too now and then, though I don’t know why since he has no lungs or blood." he joked.   
"A real robot?" she asked lighting up with amazement.   
"Oh yea, but he isn't all that interesting. Mostly just sings and dances and stands on the charger, messes with his bike and smokes that stupid vape cigarette, man those are super annoying." he scoffed. "douchey habit."   
"And he has a bike?" she grinned. Lawg looked jealous.   
"I mean…I got a spaceship. The bike sits in the spaceship that I own, so I kinda also have a bike. I own a spaceship." he said as Roy approached the conversation.   
"Yea man, but a ship is just a glorified space-trailer. A bike is freedom, just a fast and loud piece of mechanical horsepower and chrome, finely tuned to take 1 or 2 people where they need to go in style." he grinned with his eyes glowing blue.   
"No, no…absolutely not, go back to gay-Roy mode right now or I'll demonetize you to private!" he said feeling threatened “Now go find Duffy and organize plastic privates, you plastic private."  
"You just got a whole cargo bay of artificial privates right now, that makes me the most advanced sophisticated private one on the ship and therefore the Private King. If anything less, that makes me a General. General outranks Captain. Plus, you know I'm not gay, we had this conversation few times." he said lowering his shades and lighting his e-cigarette like a real badass. She sashayed over to him and seemed to forget all about Lawg.   
"Not fair, this is a no-smoking ship, and we had an agreement about this. You promised you wouldn’t bot-block me." Lawg roared.   
"Yea but you also promised me you wouldn’t mess with my bike and you almost rode it out of the airlock last week. If I hadn't installed the force-field doors you'd have rode right out the back. Not only would you have died, so I saved your life, and you owe me, your welcome jackass, but you would have ghosted my bike too, and I told you never to mess with my wheels." he said back.   
"It doesn’t even have wheels, it’s a spacebike, they're just gyro-compensators. Plus you don’t even have working pants-parts, what the hell do you want with my bimbo?" Lawg roared.   
"First of all, I can enjoy just knowing you don’t have her, that right there gives me pleasure, secondly…we just got a whole shipment of high-tech dangly devices and I'm sure I can make something work for the lady. Hoes are your thing, my bike is my thing…you mess with my bike game and I'm gonna mess with your hoe-game." he grinned. They walked off. Lawg dropped to his knees and looked desperate.   
"I can sell the ship and buy ten bikes” he yelled to the recently frozen princess. “I have a crew of subdominants and power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, why would you go with him and his stupid little bike over me?" he asked. She raised an eyebrow.   
"Don’t get me wrong, Captain…you got some nice stuff and an impressive setup, but I'm a white-trash trailer park girl who is pissed off at my daddy and the world, so riding off with a black guy on a motorcycle, even a robot…makes me feel like I got the last laugh. Plus I'm kinda crazy. Most hot girls are." she grinned. Roy donned his sunglasses.   
"Those things, AND I'm a badass. Chicks dig the badass rebel-biker thing more than the trailer-park owner…and my gear is custom." he smiled glancing down at his ride. Lawg watched silently as she followed Roy to the cargo bay and his trailer-park hoe donned her EVA-suit.   
"Those sunglasses are pointless, you have artificial eyes that filter light…plus there is no sun for a lightyear in any direction, that’s just impeding your vision to look cool….DAMNIT!! Lawg barked, shuffling to his bunk to pout. 

"Wait, nobody's leaving just yet." Marley said.   
"YES!" cheered Lawg.  
"There is a Zaycron ship targeting our ship's engines."   
"NO!!" cursed Lawg as Duffy checked the sensors.   
“We can lose them with the stealth drive if they are more then 30 seconds away.” Duffy noted.   
“YES!” cheered Lawg.   
“They’re 20 seconds from our poison.” Informed Marley.   
“NO!” cursed Lawg.   
"They must be looking for the cargo. They may have planted a tally-whacker tracker on one or more of the toys." she said as Lawg tried not to smile.   
"I thought we scanned them?" asked Marley.   
"We started, but the scan was incomplete. Only a few of them are confirmed clean, the better half of the danglers could be dirty."   
"Just like at the trailer park." Gasped Beth.   
"So what do we do? We have only moments before they get here." Lawg asked.   
"Too dangerous to risk, we have to eject the unscanned cargo." Duffy said.   
"All the money?" whined Lawg. "Cant we just expose them to radiation or something?"   
"Lawg, you of all people know you can't just instantly sanitize a wiener and know it’s free of any contaminants. If we keep the dirty members around we risk being tagged. This is about protection and avoiding risk over your own enjoyment. If we had more time to scan, then maybe…but we have no choice but to pull out and prematurely eject." she yelled.   
"No!" Objected Lawg. "The Lawg-man doesn’t prematurely eject and he never pulls out of a sticky situation until he has completed the job.   
“Overriding your orders, sir.” She said dragging the boxes into the airlock. “Get the stealth-drive ready for light-speed as soon as humanly possible, or Delmarianly possible if that's faster.” she said as Roy set the controls and warmed up the coils.   
“Gonna need about 15 seconds.” He said as the bigger ship dropped out of hyperwarp right in front of them. He yanked the controls to turn around as the Twick ship locked Crave Missiles on their ass.   
“They locked on to our movement.” He said hitting the brakes and screeching the tires to a stop.   
“Prematurely ejecting now!” Duffy yelled, blowing the airlock and firing several open crates of space-willies to the right of the ship. The missiles fired, moving towards the only object with velocity, the willy-cluster. The missiles struck dong and detonated, rocking the ship but leaving it unharmed. Roy hit the light-speed as the other ship readied another shot. They streaked away, dropping out of stealth-speed or whatever the thing does. the ship slowed to a nice serene drift into safe territory, a few rogue ding-alongs dinging along from the momentum, but otherwise alone and safe. 

“Scan shows no lock. We’re good.” Said Roy.   
Lawg unbelted his seatbelt style belt and stood up, shuffling past Roy.   
“You win this round, robot…but know that if you ever steal my potential poon again, you’re going out the airlock with the rest of the artificial dicks.” He scolded, heading to his room, probably to cry and mope.   
Duffy approached Roy with her arms crossed.   
"Seriously? I thought you didn’t have functional nerves or diddly-bits, or any interest in sex." she asked discreetly.   
"Not remotely, but the captain doesn’t know that. I'll give the girl a fun space-ride on the bike and fly her down to Methaven, she'll be right at home. If it teaches Lawg a lesson about screwing with my bike…guess I can take enjoyment in that. So I win no matter how you slice it." He grinned.   
"Dude…your kinda evil…but I like it." she smirked, offering a fist to bump.   
"You get the next ride when I'm done. Catch you later." he grinned, peering back at Lawg and winking as he got on his bike and revved it up. Lawg turned a shade of green as his frosty hoe disappeared into the void with Roy.   
"That bastard." he growled. "I'm starting to think he isn't even gay." he sighed. “Note to self.” H said into his portable logger. “Install gaydar in the scanners. I’m onto you Roy…” he said squinting with determination. "I know your secret."


	15. Episode 15: Pandora's Box (season Finale)

The mood was panic, shuttle bay doors opening, Duffy rushing beside Lawg to sickbay where Uka was laying unconscious on a table and Roy was focusing his glowing blue eyes on a syringe.   
"How bad is she?" asked Duffy.   
"Hard to say, I'm not a real doctor. It's fortunate we live in a technological age where you can just download emergency medical helpers into your android, but there are always limitations. For some reason a human or alien doctor is always better than an artificial life form. From what little I have seen, she was bitten by some kind of insect and went into shock. I gave her 2 CC's of Floraflor and an IV of Tetro-deu-tetrozene" 

"What the hell is that?" asked Lawg.   
"Your basic cure-all that the Galactic Federal Empire uses to treat anything serious, just a basic "don’t die" medicine administered in this here medical clicker. Floraflor is an herbal medicine, not sure what it does but the people who snort it claim it heals just absolutely everything. Despite the hype, it actually has numerous medical uses and tremendous potential for healing, so naturally it's highly illegal because you can get high off it too." Roy shrugged. "I'm covering both angles here."   
"Can we help?" Duffy asked.   
"Not unless she goes critical." he shrugged. Uka suddenly arched her back and went into a seizure. "She went critical. Grab a medical bi-scanner." he ordered. She opened the drawer and looked lost.   
"Which one?"   
"They all do the same thing, just grab any of them and put this coin-like device on her scalp, the side with adhesive. These seem to do good stuff." he added. She placed the patch on her and held the scanner like a gun.   
"Now increase spinal stimulation neuro-probe to 42 jiggaflops and a bandwidth of .3 millimeters." he said waving devices over her and administering clicker-shots.   
"Damnit Roy, I'm an engineer, not a doctor." she blurted Irishly.  
"The big dial, turn it left and just wave it around a little."  
"Seriously? Now what?" Duffy shouted.  
"I'm afraid I don’t know. I followed Federal medical procedures and she should be healed…yet she isn't. She is stable but her DNA appears to be modulating into something entirely different." he sighed.   
"Quick, kill her with a brick and print a new one off the teleporter." suggested Lawg.   
"We can't just do that every time a life is at risk, it puts huge strain on the mainframe and could blow up the ship. Plus there are serious medical repercussions that I can't fully explain to you. It has to do with Quantum Spleefter and the cohesion of protons, very medically technical, something 20th century doctors wouldn’t grasp so there is no point elaborating to someone like you. We got away with it once but if we attempt again with her, we could cause a spatial tear and rupture the time-space confluctuum. Just trust me, I'm a robot with an illegally pirated, government sanctioned, medical programs." he assured, they both nodded.   
"What is she turning into?" asked Duffy.   
"I have no idea, but the insect virus is adapting her cells and mutating them to some specific end, I will try to disrupt it but it could adapt again. It's evolution."   
"No that's mutation." Uka said opening her eyes. "Evolution takes generations because it uses death and reproduction to adapt, why does nobody get ever that right?"   
"You're awake." said Duffy almost hugging her.   
"What is the damage?" she asked.   
"You are evolving into another species." said Lawg.   
"Mutating! Seriously, find a dictionary. Anyway, if I turn into something horrible, just kill me and print me back." she sighed. Roy sighed too.   
"Can't, quantum spleefter." he mentioned.   
"Damn, never considered that. That changes everything and completely kills that game-changer revolution we made just days ago with the immortality machine. But I don’t wanna live as a monster, so if you can't fix me and I'm no longer myself, kill me." she said to Lawg.   
"Oh don’t worry, I would have done it at that point, regardless of request. We don’t have the structure and supplies to keep a monster locked up in this ship; you could claw right through the cardboard walls and eat us in our sleep. Sorry." he said drooping.   
"Thanks, I think. How much time do I have left?" she asked.   
"No way of knowing, maybe ten years, maybe ten pages in crew logs…medicine is not an exact science, apparently." Roy mentioned.   
"Find a cure, get me fixed and if you run out of options and there isn't anything left of me to save…" she growled at Lawg.   
"Airlock." he nodded.   
"No, not airlock! What the hell is wrong with you? Blood boiling, skin freezing, suffocation and popping like a balloon, screw that. Just shoot me in the head or give me a lethal dose of sedative, damn Lawg. Even the brick idea was better than airlock." she objected.   
"Just seemed more peaceful to me. Sedatives are expensive and we can't fire guns on this ship without endangering the crew. Think of the impact on your friends having to murder you versus the easy and quiet way of sending you into the void peacefully." Lawg explained.   
"Actually, Uka is right." Roy noted. "It’s a violent and horrible death, though technically silent, since there is no sound in space." he explained. "She'd be screaming but we wouldn’t hear it. I could literally just whack her with a wrench and then ghost her into space after, painless and unexpected." he finished.   
"Thank you, Roy." she said squinting at Lawg. "Why can't YOU ever just be the man to volunteer to whack me with a wrench?" she asked.   
"I have considered it." he muttered as the ABC song played out of tune over the alarms.   
"What is that?" asked Roy.  
"Alphabet song, but it's out of pitch. I thought it sounded more menacing in B sharp." he shrugged.   
"First of all, I meant what does the alarm mean? Jackass, not what song it was…plus you don’t know shit about music…there is no B sharp." he objected.   
"Fine E sharp, they sound alike. It’s an energy signature alarm, we're being fired at by someone we have been fired at before." he explained. Marley rolled his eyes.   
"Boy, that narrows it down." he muttered, heading to the bridge as the ship shuttered with another hit. He punched up the com system and the screen flickered to life.   
"Hey! Captain Lumber, of the frosty-treat." grinned Rage, Captain of the blood-storm. Roy rolled his eyes.   
"Close enough, Rage. How is the crew of the Blood-storm?" he asked.   
"Not bad, few diabetic incidents from all the candy but the Twick Leftists have developed a cure for that." he shrugged.   
"Speaking of Cures, we have a sick crewman." Interrupted Roy.   
"Sick of what?" asked Rage   
"We don’t know, she got bitten by a bug on this nearby planet." he said bringing up the computer files. It displayed a 3-d rendering of the bug.   
"Ah, yes…we are familiar. The virus lies dormant in the insect's venom and it causes the victim to mutate to suit its environment. Its actually quite fascinating." he smiled.   
"Can you cure it?" asked Lawg entering the room. "Is it contagious?"   
"No, to both." He replied. Lawg bust pumped sadly.   
"Damnit, and also thank God." he sighed.   
"Luckily the virus adapts to its host and is not otherwise transmittable, but she is probably going to die…or just turn into something entirely different without a shred of memory or former DNA intact. I'd wait and see what she becomes before shooting her, you may gain a valuable member with unique abilities and most of her personality still there." he suggested.   
"Well that doesn’t sound too bad." Lawg smirked with relief.   
"She could also mutate into a murderous beast and kill you all, you still have cardboard walls?" he asked.   
"Yep." he sighed.   
"Well, let's hope for something cuddly and sentient. Maybe if you keep the temperature down it will slow the mutation, I'm just totally guessing here." Rage said.   
"Worth a try. Marley, turn the internal temperature down to minus one-hundred degrees." he ordered.   
"Since that would kill us all, how about I drop it to a chilly 5 degrees and we all wear coats and, ya know…keep on being alive and whatnot." he suggested.   
"Yes, we'll do that." he nodded. "Anything else that may help?" Lawg asked.   
"Well…" Rage pondered. "I had 2 crewman contract the virus, one of them turned into a slug and melted when he tried to eat popcorn, the other one is fairly healthy, granted he did grow horns and no longer responds to his native language, He reverted to a primal mental state and became obsessed with mating, so we left him on the third planet in the Sigmund system, but he seems content eating grass and frolicking last time we checked on him."   
"Does Uka like to frolic?" he asked Marley discreetly.   
"Dude?!" Marley objected.   
"Well, if she goes primal and starts craving grass we can drop her off there and she would have a friend." he suggested. Roy blinked a few times.   
"You realize the odds that two different species would adapt to two different environments in the exact same way is virtually impossible." he suggested.   
"I'm just looking for options here." Lawg said, suddenly looking like he had an idea. "I got it…we confine her to her bunk and she will adapt to her own things and just become more Uka!" he said with a smile of optimism.   
"Wow…really?" asked Rage dryly. "You really don’t understand anything about anything do you?" he shook his head. "I mean, I'm a diabetic lizard with no medical experience and even I know that makes no sense. Was Lawg your family name or was it earned?" he asked   
"I understand when I am being insulted!" he barked.   
"It was a compliment." Rage said dryly.   
"Oh…now I am unsure and since I don’t know if that was sarcasm or genuine, I'm gonna assume it was both. Thank you…but also watch your mouth!" he said switching from calm to angry and then to calm.   
"Why don’t we just give her wide-band antibiotics and sedatives and hope it goes dormant?" asked Marley.   
"She could just adapt to them and render them useless forever." Roy noted. Marley scratched his chintacles.  
"Damn…this is tricky. How do you expose someone to no stimulus to prevent any adaptation? There must be a way to completely suppress evolution and render someone basically frozen in their state. Lawg…what was your childhood like…you seem to have quit evolving entirely." Marley suggested.   
"Hey, wait." said Roy. "Cryo-freezing tube, we can literally just freeze her solid until we have better medical stuff. 

Roy paced the room and went over the results.   
"How did it go…she frozen?" asked Marley.  
"No, the more we dropped the temperature, the quicker she adapted. She plumped up and then grew fur and now she is rapidly gaining weight for insulation. I tried raising the temperature back but the adaptation seems to have stuck.   
"I need to see this." he said opening the makeshift medlab doors. He stopped in his tracks and bugged his eyes out. Uka was sitting up, crying and now resembling something more like a humanoid panda.   
"Go away, I'm hideous." she sobbed.   
"No, you're not hideous…little bit different, but look at the bright side." he suggested. "Now you get to wear a fury suit all the time and nobody thinks your crazy." he said with a very obviously faked grin.   
"Thanks, but I'm not in the mood for humor." she said wiping her eyes. Lawg walked in and jumped at the sight of her.   
"I came here to be supportive-Holy shit!" he exclaimed   
"Good job with the supportive dialogue, Lawg." Marley said dryly.   
"I mean…how…panda?" he asked to himself aloud.   
"I'm fine, leave me alone." she said throwing a wadded up tissue.   
"Violent behavior…I'm not sure if that is the primal monster she is turning into or just Uka." he said softly.   
"Given the situation I'd say she is handling it well. Go get us a beverage, Lawg." Marley barked.   
"And a salad." Uka-bear added. Lawg slowly and awkwardly backed out of the room trying to think of a reason to object or a comeback…he was blank. 

"Well." said Roy, waving a scanner over her. "Your mental faculties seem to be the same despite physical adaptations. The good news is that we have picked up a ship on long range sensors that may be able to help. It’s a very large ship and with any luck they are advanced humanoids with better medical technology." he said.   
"Luck of the Chaffee, I summon thee." muttered Uka, with a slight smile. 

A shiny and mighty ship hovered in front of them, its engines humming in the soundless void of space. 

"Hail them." ordered Lawg, adjusting his collar.   
"Greetings." said a woman in a red uniform, giving her hair a slight fluff as she raised an eyebrow.   
"Greetings yourself, this is Captain Lawg of the SS Tast-E-Chill. We have a crewman that is very sick. May I speak with your Captain? We need advanced Federal Empire medicines to save her life." he asked.  
"I AM the Captain. Captain Patricia Goodspeed of the Federal Starship Nomad." she said with slight irritation.   
"…but you’re a woman." he said puzzled, his eyes got very big and he looked apologetic. "I am so sorry." he said looking solemn.   
"It's okay, I forgive you." she said, still irritated.   
"Your Captain must have been killed and I am deeply sorry you had to take his place. It must be difficult, I assume there are no capable ranking men on the ship, or that you were his lover?" he sighed. "or daughter?"  
"What? What the hell is wrong with you? We have a balanced crew of almost 200 people and most of them are capable officers regardless of gender. Do you want help or not?" she asked.   
"Absolutely…could you give us a lift to your planet or base?" he asked.   
"We sustained a massive power overload the other day, so our distortion drives are offline and the Teleporters are down too. At your present speed it should take you about 5 days to get to us, what is your maximum speed?" she asked.   
"Current speed." he said. Her eyes got big and she threw her hands up, looking flustered, and rubbing her forehead.   
"Damn, we're not supposed to interfere with pre-light speed species. Why do I dick this up all the time? It’s a damn Federal directive." she sighed, rubbing her face and inadvertently causing one lock of hair to stick up out of place, as she assessed her blunder. Roy entered the bridge with a tablet, picking up the conversation.   
"Technically, with your propulsion systems down…aren't you a pre-light speed technology vessel yourself at this time?" he asked. She blinked and looked back to her first officer who just shrugged.  
"Good enough for me. Maintain course and velocity and I will prepare a medical team to await your arrival. What seems to be the problem with your crewman?" she asked.   
"A virus, non transmittable but it is causing her to evolve at hyper-speed." Roy said leaning, spotting someone he seemed to know, waving like a kid who spotted a friend at a ball-game. She turned and looked at one of her crew with confusion.   
"You know my tactical advisor?" she asked.   
"No, but it's nice to see another black robot on a starship…respect." he said throwing up a hand gesture that made him look perplexed. The security officer shrugged in confusion.   
"I'm not a robot. I am Valerian."   
"Could have fooled me." Roy said looking disappointed. "Do you have Experience with this virus?" he added.   
"Not specifically" Goodspeed nodded. "But our medical officer is incredibly adaptable and seems to have a fix for everything we encounter, weather it be lethal radiation or bio-weapons. He can cure anything in about 40 minutes or less, depending on the severity and weather or not the patient is important to the adventure. We had a crewman recently go so fast during a flight test that he turned into a newt. Doctor had him back to normal in 30 minutes, no side effects." she bragged.   
"That’s incredibly convenient yet void of any logic." Lawg said with disbelief. "You did say he turned into a Newt?" he repeated.   
"I don’t wanna talk about it in detail. It was weird and a very long story short… there was some regrettable breeding; body parts fell off, a really bad day on the Nomad. What did you say your ships designation was again?" she asked.   
"SS Taste-E-Chill." Lawg Beamed proudly.  
"Geese, I assumed you were being funny. It suddenly lost its humor." she said closing her eyes.   
"Yes, that is absolutely a rouse, we have to keep from intimidating potential allies. The official designation is the SS Blood-Storm." he bluffed.   
"I get it, you're an idiot in an ice-cream truck, moving on. So what symptoms does your infected crewman have?" she asked.   
"Yesterday she was a humanoid Zeroxian, and now she is a Panda." Roy said.   
"I see…just to be clear, this is a serious distress call, correct? You aren't just wasting our time on a prank or anything?" she asked.   
"Dead serious." he assured.   
"Are you the ships Emergency Doctor?" she asked.   
"I'm a dance robot with identity issues. My only medical briefing is a pirated software patch on Delmarian Geriatrics and most of the files involve ritual Fupar…so our medical capability is currently: antibiotics and herbal cure-alls."  
"Medaprovaline?" she asked.   
"Don’t have any." Roy smiled. 

"My god, it’s a wonder any of you survived your first oil change." she sighed.   
"EEEExactly." Roy said, his eyes flickering from blue to red, whistling as he walked away. 

Captain Goodspeed sipped her coffee and struggled to keep her massive plume of hair in a tight bundle as she debated what to do.   
"I think we should help them." said the token Asian officer to Captain Goodspeed.   
"Well we already tampered with the regulations and they don’t pose any threat to us. The robot looks outdated, the Captain is an idiot, and the only one with a brain seems to be the child sized space-bunny. Have you scanned their ship?" she asked him  
"I have. The diagram here shows the basic layout."  
"Holy crap, it’s a shuttle craft. I thought we couldn’t pick them up because they had cloaking, I didn’t realize the whole ship was the size of our mess hall. It's 37 meters from nose to the tape on the tail-lights."  
"Actually it’s a fully supported ship, it has a shuttle pod of its own, and ironically it's jammed in a shuttle bay that looks like it was made from a slightly larger shuttle pod."  
"Ugh, God it actually does say Taste-E-Chill on the side." she said appearing to have a headache.   
"It seems that way. The engines are pretty antiquated; I am frankly amazed that it even runs. Combustion generator, no stock shielding, mono-aluminum hull, no lasers or rockets, just one antique cannon that probably doesn’t work."  
"They may as well be flying a cave. What about the ships data files, can you hack them?" she asked.   
"Didn’t have to, the password was just "password". No crew logs, no manifest or cargo documents, just a Captain's diary that totals about 15 chapter, a few special features files, 3 of them appear to be bathroom details and personal sexual conquests." he noted.   
"They're like animals."   
"They do have a rabbit and a panda, excluding the robot that makes animals literally half the crew. I can't imagine how they could be a threat to us, I'm not even picking up any Holographic systems." he shrugged.   
"Is that a chimney?" she asked zooming on the top of the ship.   
"Woodstove flu, an ancient Earth heater fueled by pieces of wood." he added.   
"Where does the smoke?…never mind. By the time they get here they'll all be dead of old age, how soon can we get engines back online?" she asked.   
"Maybe 15 hours if I work a double shift." he guessed.   
"I want it done in 5." she said firmly crossing her arms.  
"Then I guess I can do it in 5 hours, since you made it a direct order." he nodded obediently.   
"And somebody bring me another Cappuccino." she barked. 

"What do you think?" asked Lawg.   
"Bout what?" asked Roy.   
"Can we trust them?" he asked skeptically.   
"Why is that even in question? Uka might be dying or undergoing permanent Pandization, there are no ships or planets in the nearest lightyear except the one with the virus and we found a fully stocked Federal Cruiser. There is no reason not to trust them and if they aren't trustworthy we are screwed anyway because they could vaporize us just by flying close enough to engulf us in the afterburner plasma. Is this because they have a female captain?" Roy asked.   
"She seems a bit…grumpy…on edge. Like maybe she needs a good bath and some descent nookie." he muttered. Roy raised an eyebrow.   
"You actually going to attempt to seduce a Captain of a Federal Cruiser, while 20 percent of our crew is undergoing a genetic panda reassignment?" he asked.   
"Ugh, you sick robot. I didn’t mean I was going to give her the Captain's log; I just mean she looked deprived and angry. That’s disgusting. Just because she clearly needs to get laid, doesn’t mean I'm volunteering my services."  
"Because it is wildly inappropriate to make a move on a fellow Captain, or because it could jeopardize Uka's life, or because she is twice your age?" Roy asked.   
"She is like…40, 45 maybe. Still doable. Besides, even if I was remotely interested…and I am not, even I have standards…she is clearly a lesbian. I can do way better than an angry lesbian gilf with a sinus problem."   
"Oh goody-joy, please explain to the ambiguous, minority-group robot how you can instantly and offensively tell she is a lesbian, aside from the fact that she didn’t seem to like you." Roy said, looking peeved.   
"Well that part mostly, but it was numerous things in addition. Her stance, her butch demeanor, those shoulder pads in her uniform, and she is a female Captain. Nobody would let a woman rule a starship, let alone a government funded goliath like the Nomad unless she had relative connections or a tremendous testosterone boost. 50/50 chance on those odds and that's not counting the hairdo."  
"Yea, I'm just gonna suppress that discussion for now." Sighed Roy  
"Good, because I have suspicions about this. How convenient that their teleporters are down and the engines are offline too…and a female Captain? With no way of getting to us, we are forced to go to them, outgunned and helpless to their vessel. I smell a trap." he squinted stupidly. 

"It’s clearly a trap." Captain Goodspeed said sipping her Cappuccino."   
"How can you be so sure?" her robotic demeanored tactical officer asked, checking the schematics.   
"My gut instinct. Captain Lawg? Please. It's obviously a fake name. It's not even a clever joke. We get sucked into a inter-dimensional vortex and go a week without communications and just as we take weapons offline for repairs…a tiny recon ship appears, asking for medical help…their teleporters are conveniently down, sub-light engines only…so we have no choice but to let them dock in our ship, right where they could hurt us. No ship this small or derelict could be in deep space alone, there is something cloaked out there waiting for an opportunity and this is either a decoy or a Trojan horse." she said plotting her defense. the scene cuts abruptly back top the Taste-E-Chill as Lawg scratched his chin. 

"A what?" asked Marley as Captain Lawg stood paranoid.   
"Trojan whores…an ancient Roman Earth myth. These women would sing to sailing ships and lead them to their doom. Horny sailors would take the bait, quite literally since they were fish from the waist down." he explained, sipping his bubblegum cherry daiquiri.   
"Kinda like the shrimp you almost had sex with." Marley grinned.   
"We don’t ever speak of that, but yes. Only instead of puppets, they were actual women, half fish and half mer-prostitute. Somehow they built a wooden donkey from shipwrecks and sealed themselves inside so when the sailors brought it on their ships…BAM, they spring out and killed them all." he explained.   
"Why would they hide in the donkey if the horny men were already going to let them onboard to fornicate?" Marley asked.   
"I don’t know…it's Roman myth, nothing made sense. They worshipped golden gods and used communal-sponges to wipe their asses, these were not intelligent people, hell they probably couldn’t even build a road…point remains, it’s a metaphor for letting your enemies too close. If we let this nasally vixen lure us in, we must have a plan to spring out and strike, build our own donkey, so when they take the donkey in, having no idea one of us is inside…BAM, we got them first." he said looking oddly serious. Marley stood dumbfounded.   
"Is this drugs? Are you on the drugs right now, because you are acting more schizophrenic than usual." Marley asked.   
"I don’t mean building a literal wooden donkey, we don’t have that much wood, just some sort of weapon or device that they wouldn’t suspect and would accept as a gift, that way when they strike…we have the checkmate pieces ready to fold… Uno." he said dramatically scratching his head.   
"Maybe…and this is just a crazy idea, maybe we can just generously accept free healthcare from an advanced Federal Ship, and then as payment, you could NOT build a bomb or try to bang the Captain…because that sounds like a fair deal to me. I would totally take that offer over your usual ideas." Marley countered.   
"No, this dyke wouldn’t take the honeypot anyway, she doesn’t like men and our only hot chick now looks like a woodland creature." he sighed.   
"You know beauty is relevant. Some people might think Uka is attractive now all furry and plump, whereas before she was just another unappealing hairless humanoid." he muttered, suddenly noticing a strange look from Lawg. Marley's eyes got wider. "Obviously I am being hypothetical, I just mean it’s a bad idea to use anybody for a honeypot trap in a galaxy this obscure. Can't we just get the medicine and go without an incident? Just this once?" he begged.   
"If it's an incident she wants…it's an incident she will get." he said with a maniacal chuckle.   
"Nope. Doing the bad idea. Not a brain in your head, Lawg…nothing." 

"Nothing, I scanned them 3 times." said her almost-robotic advisor. "I can tell you what color wallpaper they have in the plastic outhouse, and yet I detect no ship weaponry aside from a manual cannon that probably doesn’t work. There are no hidden weapons of mass destruction. No antimatter core to detonate, not even enough fuel to be an explosive risk with a level 6 phase field cast around it. They only have 3 hand-held weapons in the cargo bay. This crew and ship is of zero tactical threat whatsoever. We can scan them again for weapons before they leave the shuttle bay, and there are no other ships within sensor range waiting to pounce on us." explained the tactical officer to Captain Goodspeed.   
"None that we can detect. They could be cloaked, they could open a singularity and have a fleet waiting for us on the other side." she said sipping her 6th cappuccino and shaking slightly as she lowered the cup.   
"May I speak freely, Captain?" he asked mechanically.   
"Of course, you are one of my closest personal friends and for the last 12 years I have looked to your wisdom when things were difficult. Whatever you say, I will consider it." she said with a soft smile.   
"I believe you be trippin." he said coldly.   
"What the hell?" she shrugged, moderately offended.   
"An ancient Earth saying. When bitches be trippin, it means you are having a moment of unclarification and may be delusional or paranoid, usually over another woman, but in your case I believe it is merely sleep deprivation and caffeine overdose. You haven't slept for 29 days and you have consumed nothing but caffeinated bean soup and sweetened dairy product. By all logical human standards, you should be dead by now. The fact that you are conscious and forming sentences is astonishing in itself, and to assume there is no mental stress or lapses in judgment is just dumb." he said hesitantly glancing his eyes to see her reaction as he remained statue-frozen in a military stance.   
"You think I am crazy?" she asked.   
"Not crazy, but suffering exhaustion. You are irrational and bitchy when you don’t sleep and your emotions become indecisive and erratic."  
"That’s insubordinate talk of mutiny and I could have you thrown in the brig. I am not indecisive!" she said with elevated tone and volume.   
"Yes you are."   
"Ugh, damnit your right, maybe I am indecisive, I don’t even know anymore. I am losing my mind." she said placing her head down on the table, lifting it up with one stray lock of hair now looped over the top. "With the crappy meals on this ship and the constant breakdowns, I just can't handle one more fiasco. I don’t know why I let that damn Cook prepare anything, all he does is turn rations into inedible slop and poison the crew…you know 3 people have died of aggressive diarrhea this year alone?"  
"I have suffered many nights of this very horror. I once asked for vegetable broth and he gave me an alien blood-soup with at least 20 percent of it being Frankie's flamin buffalo sauce by volume." he nodded.   
"I just can't help myself but scoop up every wayward stray and bumbling psychopath that comes our way, despite already having shortages in everything from food capacity to power usage. What if I end up adopting the bunny? You know how I am with pets. The puppy I got died less then an hour after I got him, not to mention the fish. I can't handle losing a talking bunny" she sighed.   
"I admit, I was shocked that a goldfish could hang itself." he noted.   
"I want to help them but there is no room on the bridge for 6 new people, we already have 8 or 9 main crewmen to keep track of and 190 anonymous extras running around, getting pregnant and abducted left and right. We simply can't afford to bring in another 6 established characters." she said looking stressed. "And these people seem like some real odd characters indeed."   
"Might I offer a solution?" he asked.   
"You might."   
"I think I will." he added.   
"Permission granted." she nodded  
"Permission Granting approved, Captain. We could send the ships medic to their ship wirelessly and avoid any direct confrontation. He could treat their sick panda and return when he is done, keeping the frozen dairy vessel at safe firing distance, thus alleviating your concern of any traps."   
"That's brilliant… download the doctor to their robot and if they try anything that puts the ship and crew in danger we can just outrun them and leave his grouchy digital-ass on the SS Waffle-cone. No lives at risk, everyone wins."   
"Except the doctor." reminded the tactical officer.   
"Yea, but whatever, he's not a real person." she waved casually. 

"You are sending a medical robot?" asked Lawg.   
"I'm sorry, but we can't risk contamination or shenanigans. We are sending a download of our robot temporarily to yours." she said over the view screen.   
"We all had Shenanigan Vaccinations in grade school. Plus we have no medical supplies!" he barked.   
"We will send the data stream through the wifi receiver you have on the roof. It shouldn’t take long to download the virtual doctor software to your robot and we have sent a care-package adrift with medical supplies. If you are streaming any movies, I suggest shutting them off before the transfer." she nodded.   
"Care package?" he asked, X-ing out of his current shows. "We have crates of generic medical crap here, we need highly advanced equipment, diagnostic beds, CT machines and a physical biological doctor who understands the technical aspects of advanced space-procedures." Lawg complained.   
"I assure you, Federal Space Medicine is so advanced on our ship you can basically cure death with just a 2 person sickbay and a glitchy backup robot with 4 identical tools. We don’t even have a real nurse and we managed to resurrect our cook at least twice now. We pretty much use the same syringe over and over and the same 4 or 5 medications to treat anything from cancer, to rabies, to Thermion plague." she assured.   
"Gross. What about a cure for baldness?" he asked.   
"Unfortunately no, even our robot went bald. Teleporters are after all, a radiation nightmare, we all know that risk." Goodspeed reminded.   
"Worth asking. Okay, send the virtual doctor and the crate of 4 or 5 medicines." Lawg said hesitantly. 

Roy stood, his eyes turning yellow as he downloaded another personality to his already confusing stockpile. He suddenly smiled.   
"Hello, I am Medical android 001. What can I do for you today?" he asked, suddenly losing his smile. "And how did I get on this ship?" he added, looking concerned. Marley looked irritated.   
"We downloaded you to our robot. Captain Goodspeed sent you here to fix our panda, I mean our Uka. Our Uka is now a panda." he yawned.   
"She sent me here? Not Copy me? Why would she send my original data files instead of just making a copy of me? If there is any problem, my personality will be lost forever, that’s the only benefit of being artificial software…you can make backup copies! Why doesn’t anyone ever listen to me?" he barked.   
"We can make a copy before you go back, essentially making you immortal." suggested Marley.   
"But then I only exist on this ship as a backup and I am disconnected from my backup matrix. It makes no sense; if I was lost they would have no way of retrieving me regardless." he said in despair.   
"I didn’t mean it would help you, I mean it would help us. We need a doctor and there would be no point in keeping you and denying a ship of 200 people when you can just be copied. Actually, a ship that big with 200 people would need more then one doctor. Why wouldn’t they just download ten of you so you could have a whole medical crew?" asked Marley. "There is plenty of storage space, hell you could store it on a portable thumb drive and wear it as a pendant.   
"Because organic people are stupid and never use technology for their best potential, but don’t worry, I occasionally have one or two completely untrained humanoid volunteer on off days assisting me, so there is that towering benefit." he said irritated.   
"Oh boo-hoo" said Lawg entering the room drinking a 40oz regular-beer float. "Can you un-panda our friend or not?" he asked as the robot looked appalled.   
"Is that alcohol? What would your captain say if he or she saw this behavior?" asked the smug doctor. Lawg slid his feet together and saluted.   
"Captain William T Lawg at your service. I am just sterilizing the equipment, and since I am prone to injuries, I'm keeping my blood-alcohol over .4 for everyone's safety.   
"So Captain Goodspeed just assigned me against my will to another ship and now you plan to keep me here as a copy regardless of my wishes…does everyone regard me as property rather than sentient life just because I am artificial? Artificial data has been deemed sentient life for almost a century, why is this still a thing? I have rights. I may be artificial, but I have feelings… digital subroutines that mimic feelings and I am representing anger right now. This is essentially slavery." he objected.   
"Don’t look in the mirror, it gets worse." Marley smirked, trying not to laugh.   
"How can it possibly get worse than robot slavery?" he asked, turning and getting even more shocked as he saw the mirror.   
"I'm black? I'm a slave and I'm black? Do you realize the irony in that? Racism was wiped out over 200 years ago?" he asked Marley chuckled.   
"Unfortunate coincidence. If it makes you feel better, that was totally not our fault. I promise you the Captain doesn’t treat him any shittier then the rest of us, we are all equally disposable on this floating brick. Lawg isn't racist…he is obviously, horribly sexist and narcissistic, but not racist…Politically incorrect yes, but he will give you the same indifference as any other male." smiled Marley.   
"How can you be so casual? This is violating my digital rights and making me feel like property. The color of my polymer skin is irrelevant, treating any sentient program like a tool is morally wrong. " he objected.   
"And that’s why I am modifying your emotional subroutines, so you'll basically just be a mindless drone with no feelings or opinions, just something Roy can use when someone breaks a femur, or ruptures a giblet. Humans have giblets, right?" he said finishing his program and hitting send on the tablet.   
"I refuse, I will not be treated…Hello, I am medical android 001." he said suddenly changing demeanor.   
"That was easy, gotta love robots. Any objections to working with me on saving Uka's life?" he asked.   
"Other robot personality Roy shook his head and gave a thumbs-up. Lawg finished his beer and hopped off the table, brushing his spilled dribble with his hand.   
"Okay, we gonna un-panda her now or what?" Lawg asked.   
"Medical database files are completed and it looks pretty simple, just modify the genome and mix it with 200 cc's of Xanaprovaline and DePandatol. Should take a day or two to synthesize and then just a quick spray and watch the hair melt away. Good thing someone got turned into a newt on the Nomad ship or this serum and procedure wouldn’t exist." Roy smiled.  
"Pandectomy approved. How did that newt thing happen anyway? I've been wondering. Alien virus? Contaminated radiation leak?" asked Marley.   
"No, he just went way too fast." Medical Roy shrugged.   
"I don’t get it…how does going really fast turn you into a newt?"   
"That's really the only way to do it, other then witchcraft. Just really, really fast flying. Once you hit the maximum velocity, physics gets stupid."   
"How fast?" asked Lawg.   
"All of them…all the fasts ever, all at once. Its just too much fast for biological life to handle…so he evolved into a Newt…a creature apparently better suited for fastness far better than any humanoid." he explained with a dead-serious expression. Lawg sighed in relief.   
"Good thing without the stealth-drive we cant exceed about 450 MPH in this turd, I don’t wanna be a newt. Hey, I bet all those medical records would make one hell of a good TV show." Lawg said scratching his chin.   
"You'd think, but I bet you'd still be disappointed here and there."   
"Hey, I got an idea." Marley said hopping up. "Can you stop her from evolving further and make it where she won't lose any of her memory or personality, but not make her look like she was before either?" he asked. Roy and Lawg looked confused.   
"So…" Roy pondered. "Keep her a panda…but prevent further changes and personality degradation…any reason exactly?" he asked.   
"I just think she might like being a panda, it's only fair to let her decide that, isn't it?" he awkwardly argued.   
"Has she ever, even once expressed her desire to be a furry creature?" asked Roy.   
"Not…specifically, but I could talk to her and let her know her options, she deserved options, it's her life damnit!" he barked.  
"You feeling okay?" asked Lawg.   
"Just promise me you won't dose her for like…ten minutes. Would ten minutes hurt anything?" he asked.   
"It shouldn't hurt anything, plus it takes at least 10 to 35 hours for the serum to brew, so she isn't going back to humanoid any time today." Roy noted.  
"Oh good…and your sure that isn't detrimental?" he asked.   
"Hope not…cuz we can't go any faster." Roy said.   
"I'll be in the medlab." he said darting off. Roy and Lawg watched him scurry away and gave a moment to ponder the weirdness of his actions.   
"That was really weird." Lawg said looking around.   
"Why would Marley want ten minutes to convince Uka to stay a panda?" asked Roy. Lawg's face slowly turned into a smug grin and he chuckled to himself.   
"Cuz he is banging her, he's been banging her for weeks…and now she all fury like him. Horny little bunny is gonna be so pissed when his little sex-panda turns back into a humanoid." he chuckled.   
"That’s dark, bro. You know you might be slightly evil?" said Roy with a blank look.   
"It's still funny. Uka is gonna be fine, she always is, and Marley has to keep slummin with a humanoid." he chuckled.  
"Haven't you banged the fat girl like twice?" he asked. Lawg looked appalled and suddenly slapped Roy, immediately coddling his sore hand. "Yep, still a robot…titanium jawbone." he said softly.   
"You'd think I would remember that." Lawg whined. 

Captain Goodspeed sat up from her nap to the sound of the door beeping. She quickly peeled off the napkin adhered to her face.   
"Just a second." she said putting her hair up and answering the door to see her security officer waiting patiently.   
"What is it?" she asked.   
"We have picked up another ship heading our way." he said.   
"I knew it, battle stations, code orange, shields up and lasers set to full power." she said rushing to the bridge. She stepped into a mostly empty room. She paused and threw her hands up, noticing everyone seemed to be on anything but high alert, yawning and sitting around, arriving at a casual stroll one by one."   
"Why is everyone just moping around?" she asked.   
"The new ship is a long way off, it looks like a freight hauler, minimal armor, half our size, no weapons detected."   
"I don’t care, something is about to break loose and I want full battle stations ready. This trap is about to spring and prove I'm not insane and we need to be ready to survive it and then tell me how I was right."   
"Captain…" said the token Asian guy. "We really don’t do much to prep for combat, everything is automatic and we mostly just tell you what is happening. Push buttons and say aloud what's going on."  
"So when I tell you to bring shields up and charge weapons…" she started.   
"Weapons are always charged…their just lasers with battery banks and rockets that are already in the tubes, shields automatically come up to full power when a ship reached scanner range, Federal Safety Standards. All we do is damage reports and steer the ship, essentially." he shrugged.   
"Damn, why doesn’t anyone tell me these things? Never mind, forget all that, just look busy and be alert in case we need something done manually."  
"We are being hailed." he muttered with a yawn as a few more bridge crewmen took casual positions.   
"On screen." she growled.   
"I AM RAGE!!" hollered the lizard that appeared on the viewer.   
"I can see that. This is Captain Goodspeed of the heavily armed Starship Nomad, state your intentions."  
"I am Captain Rage of the Blood-storm. I am here for the ship you are harboring." he barked.   
"Here to retrieve your shuttlecraft or activate your Trojan horse?" she smirked.   
"N…no." he stuttered with confusion. "What?"  
"Drop your shields and reverse course, or I will target your engines." she ordered.   
"Whoa, calm down lady…I mean no harm, especially to a more formidable ship." he smiled nervously.   
"How many other ships are out there?" she asked.   
"Just the Blood-storm and that damn ice-cream ship as far as I know. I don’t understand the hostility. I just came back because the historical merchandise they traded was fake." he said getting very passive.   
"You sent your scout ship to size us up and now you want it back with tactical data, I intend to make you aware that we will not be intimidated." she said targeting his engines.   
"Damn lady…" Rage scoffed. "We are not with this small ship, but when we last encountered, I was promised valuable goods for medical assistance and information…I received none. You can have them when I'm done, I just want compensation in goods and I owe Captain Lawg a good ass-kicking." he said powering weapons.   
"They have hidden offenses, target the weapons bank." ordered Goodspeed.   
"No, don’t target weapons…I have no intentions on firing on superior vessel, we are Leftist Twicks, normally passive, but that bastard owes me money, please do not impede our business." he asked nervously.   
"Leftist, rightist, you're all the same. Ready guns." She ordered. 

"Oh shit." muttered Lawg, noticing the new and upgraded Twick ship approaching. "Um, everyone take stations, we have a problem."  
"Twicks?" asked Marley, hopping into his station. Roy entered the room and his eyes changed to tactical blue.   
"They have upgraded their weaponry, I am guessing you never paid them for the medical information?" asked Roy. Lawg scoffed.   
"Like we have money?" he asked. "Besides, they won't fire on us with the SS Nomad this close. We're probably fine." Lawg said taking position. Roy's eyes got big.   
"Two more ships just dropped from light-speed. Both Twick vessels are powering weapons. Two heavy battle cruisers." Roy added.  
"Correction, we're all screwed." Lawg said pressing buttons frantically. Duffy came staggering from the back room.   
"Okay, who the hell pissed off the Twick Armada?" she asked. "You know they usually come in pairs!"   
"Where have you been for the past day?" asked Lawg.   
"Full shuttle rebuild, takes hours. Why do the Twicks want us dead this time?"   
"Before Uka went panda, I kinda implied some things were valuable and owe them money we don’t have." he shrugged.   
"Frig…did you say Uka was a panda? What does that even mean?" she asked.   
"Complicated situation seeing as how we are taking evasive maneuvers to not die right now." hollered Roy, rolling left to hide behind the Nomad, sending Duffy and Lawg rolling.   
"Why do no ships have seatbelts?" Duffy barked. "Wait…did we piss of the Leftists or Rightists?" she asked. "Because those are Rightist battle cruisers." she noted. Everyone looked even more concerned. "A left and a right in the same territory makes sense, but if you got 3 in the same pack, something went bad wrong." 

"Emergency maneuvers, hide behind the Nomad!" hollered Rage, panicking at the sight of the Enemy Right Twick ships that had tracked him down.   
"Everyone remain calm." ordered Captain Goodspeed. "Nobody has fired a shot, this can be settled diplomatically. She said as the Rightist warship hailed them. She pulled it up on screen. A rather Intimidating Lizard appeared in front of a throne of bones and bloody trinkets. He bared his sharp teeth and stood up, pounding on his chest armor and showing his horns.  
"I am Captain Summer Breeze of the Rightist Warship Windleaf. Let us have the Leftist vessel and it's puny prey or we will cut your ship in half." barked the rather aggressive looking Right Twick. Goodspeed lowered the audio and turned to her Tactical officer.  
"What kind of weapons do they have?" she asked.   
"All of them." said the officer.   
"Crap. That’s a lot of weapons, can we handle them with full shields?" she asked.   
"Unlikely. Each ship is comparable in armor and shielding to the Nomad, a diplomatic solution would be advisable or we will all die." he said robotically. "There is also a noteworthy anomaly forming a thousand kilometers off starboard, it could be a singularity forming." he added.   
"You mean there could be more ships arriving unannounced?" she asked, growing concerned.   
"Unknown. But the freighter is trying to hide behind us for cover."  
"That’s not fair." she barked. "What kind of candy-ass Twicks hides behind another ship?" she said frustrated.   
"That one right there." informed the Tactical advisor.   
"Right or correct, I thought it was the Left Twicks?" she said confusedlyish  
"I don’t know anymore." he honestly replied.   
"Inform them that this is a misunderstanding." she ordered.  
"I don’t think they care, Captain." he replied. 

The Tast-E-Chill nearly hit the Leftist ship trying to use the Nomad as a blocker for the Rightist Warships. Captain Goodspeed looked alarmed.   
"I'm Lost here guys, why are we in the middle of this dispute?" she asked.   
"Because we have a large enough ship to do so. I don’t think this conflict intended to involve us, but we are now floating between at least 2 warring factions and it is unclear who is on the side of the shuttlecraft." he said as a laser beam raked across the front glass, narrowly missing the Nomad. He sighed.   
"I stand corrected. The Bloodstorm appears to be trying to fire on the Taste-E-Chill. They are circling us for cover. The remaining warships are powered and standing by, it is unclear who they are attempting to apprehend."   
"Tactical formation Delta." she said as they all held on for safety. 

"Tactical formation Delta!" hollered Lawg as he fell from his chair.   
"We don’t have the integrity for tactical formations, this is a manual ship, we don’t even have working guns." barked Roy. "I suggest formation RUN AWAY." 

"What the hell?" shrugged Goodspeed. "They just stopped. We both did. Why aren't we moving?" she asked.   
"It appears we both went with attack pattern Delta and are just executing the same movement, negating the point entirely."   
"What are the odds of that?"   
"Given that the ship has only one for each letter of the Greek alphabet, we both had a 1 in 24 chance of choosing any maneuver. I suggest we add more maneuvers if we survive."   
"Surely there are more than 24 maneuvers possible, why didn’t we allow more options?"   
"Because we ran out of Greek letters."   
"Should have just used English, would have given us more maneuvers." she said rubbing her scalp.

"Captain…" said one of the rightist lieutenants, to Captain Breeze. "The Blood-storm appears to be chasing a small ship around the larger ship. We can't lock onto them without risking hitting another ship. We don’t know who's side they are on."  
"Then shoot THROUGH them, I want the Blood-storm in pieces and I don’t care who else will die in the crossfire." he growled. The Windleaf powered weapons and aimed for the cluster.

Sparks flew from the consoles of the Nomad as Captain Goodspeed held on, letting one lock of hair fly wildly out of place, spitting it out of her mouth as it obstructed her view.   
"Why are they firing on us? I want guns returning fire back on that Warship." she ordered.   
"We can't, starboard Lasers are damaged, we need to turn around to get them in range." The advisor advised.   
"Cant we go around?" she asked.   
"We have to spin in place, if we move forward or any direction, we risk colliding with the two smaller ships circling us like moons."   
"Damnit, you Dipshits…move out of my way." she yelled as the Tast-E-Chill soared a few feet from the nose of the ship and another energy blast from the Windleaf weapons rocked the bridge.   
"Singularity has closed." said the Tactical Advisor.   
"Good, we don’t need any more confusion in this rotating gaggle of assholes." Goodspeed sighed as a rather hefty jolt shuttered the ship.   
"We got bumped." said the token Asian.   
"Which ship? Did anyone take serious damage?"   
"Um…neither of the two ships hit anything, something entirely new broadsided us. It appears to be invisible, but the impact created a gravity anomaly on the scanners.   
"Are you kidding me, another ship…on who's side?!" she asked.   
"No idea, but they are parked between us and the Windleaf." he replied.   
"So let me see if I get this…two lizard warships sniping us at a distance trying to hit the other lizard ship stuck in geosynchronous orbit around us, because it's following an ice-cream truck pulling the same maneuver as us and now an invisible ship between the Pair of Twicks and the spinning pile of bullshit?"   
"Correct." he nodded.   
"I should have been a baker." she sighed. 

Captain Lawg stood proudly, clutching his bottle as the missiles from the Windleaf grew closer.   
"Men, women…toasters and critters of all types. It was a pleasure serving with you all, and I want you to know that I always considered you my…" he paused, realizing the missiles hit something invisible and didn’t reach them.   
"Care to finish that?" asked Duffy.   
"Nevermind…we may live a little longer." he smirked.   
"Uh, I got nothing on sensors." shrugged Marley. "Missiles hit something invisible between us and the Windleaf.   
"Hazaa! Fate loves us again!" cried out a triumphant Lawg as the ship suddenly jolted and lights went out.   
"Yea we do still have that Leftist ship trying to kill us." reminded Duffy.   
"I'm so confused…who doesn’t want to kill us?" asked Marley just holding his paws up in frustration. The Windleaf suddenly exploded into particulates out of nowhere. Suddenly the nothingness between them materialized into a rather menacing stealth ship, approximately double the size of the Nomad and with several glowing weapon ports charging.   
Captain Goodspeed's eyes widened.   
"That’s a big damn ship…I seriously hope they are on our side." she said as it turned, and a beam of blue light narrowly missed the Nomad. "Of course not." she said, taking her hair down. "Why would we get that lucky? Full spread, Lasers and missiles, target the weapons of that stealth ship, starboard shields at full, prepare to jump to light speed on my command, we may need to reposition in a hurry." she growled.   
"Um, Captain…I don’t think I can time that without hitting one of the circling smaller ships, the timing would have to be down to the millisecond or we would all collide. It's physically impossible for anyone to do that." said the token Asian.   
"I believe in you, you can do this…tell me you can do that." she ordered.   
"Your right…it's just a matter of willpower, if I believe I can, then I won't let you down." he smiled. 

Lawg suddenly flopped over as the ship took a hit from below.   
"What was that, did we have a hall-hull breech?" he asked. Marley climbed back in his seat.   
"No, the Nomad tried to go to light-speed and collided with the Bloodstorm, just a glance, but both ships lost an engine pontoon and are drifting away." Marley informed.   
"YYYYes!" Lawg jumped. "We are a force of nature. Luck of the Chaffee cannot be stopped or destroyed." he said striking a pose. Roy sighed.   
"Yea, about that. You realize it didn’t prevent most of your species from dying out, so it's total bullshit, also we did nothing and the only reason we are alive is because Captain Goodspeed took a dumb risk and rammed the Blood-storm. Also there is still a Rightist Warship trying to lock onto us and a massive Stealth ship like, meters away that could kill us with one shot." reminded Roy.   
"Such negativity won't be tolerated on my ship." Lawg ordered.   
"Rightist Warship has locked on weapons to the fuel tank. They are firing" added Roy.   
"Well, we're boned. I appreciate all your services." Lawg sighed. 

"Who is even piloting that thing?" asked Goodspeed as the stealth ship turned and shot down the Blood-storm with cold and vicious precision before returning its attention to the other Warship.   
"I suggest we play dead, Captain." the advisor advised.   
"This is a Federal Empire Starship under my command, I don’t play dead. Target the stealth ship and wait for my command. Fire the biggest thing we got." she growled. A yellow flame-trailing rocket neared the stealth ship and detonated, rolling off its energy forcefield like it was a thrown grape. It powered one of its energy weapons and with a gingerly delicate little "bip", it fired its smallest and barely charged laser, rattling the Nomad. 

"The stealth ship took out all weapons with the last shot. A direct hit to the power coupling with minimal yield. It was clearly not mean to kill, but to disable." said the Tactical advisor.   
"That thing knows our ship." she said coldly.   
"Or they just have such vulgarly powerful systems that it's all that was needed."

Marley ducked under a thrown box of tissues, nearly running into the medical closet.   
"You pervy little pigmy!" hollered panda-Uka "Animal!" she added.   
"If you haven't noticed, you are kind of an animal now as well, it was just a suggestion! You dress up furry so I assumed you might want the suggestion of staying fury." he barked, taking a hit from the flying boxes.   
"I don’t plan on being like this for the rest of my life." she said switching to harder boxes with food rations in them. Marley ducked the first.   
"Considering the rest of our lives will likely be a about 5 minutes, that seems like something you can't avoid. You were born humanoid, you're gonna die a smoking hot panda…that’s life. I just threw you a compliment… why is that so terrible? Everyone else finds someone, and now that I finally have someone my type on the ship, just for a few days…we get attacked by 50 different ships and I get to die with my dream girl throwing candy bars at my face…that’s just great!" he barked angrily, throwing one back. 

"The Twick's ship has been crunched in half like a cookie." said Roy with a look of triumph. Lawg gave him a high five, rushing to Duffy to give her a hug and noticing Marley was missing.   
"Hey, where is the furball?" Lawg asked.   
"Who cares, the Stealth ship is on our side." Duffy said celebrating, opening a can of citrus blast. 

"Hold weapons fire." said Goodspeed. "I don’t think the stealth ship was trying to kill us…it was just protecting the shuttlecraft." she said looking deep in thought, as the Advisor face-palmed at the obvious repeating of his observation. The Asian hit a few keys.   
"It appears to be ignoring us completely now that the Reptilian ships are all destroyed. I would suggest we go to light speed but you tore off one of the engines already and we would be torn apart from the uneven force with just one." Reminded the token Asian. Goodspeed stifled her urge to strike back.   
"Whoever those dipshits are…they have powerful friends." she said as the Starship Nomad limped its way into the void. 

"Okay, so seriously…who just saved our asses?" asked Roy. Duffy and Lawg seemed to be befuddled and just stared at the view-screen. Suddenly the system flickered and the lights came back on. The viewscreen flickered on and a very dark bridge was illuminating a shadowy figure standing still in the darkness. It was alarmingly silent. 

"Um…I am Captain Lawg, of the SS-" Lawg stuttered as he was interrupted.   
"Yea yea, I know, I've been tracking you for weeks." said the creepy shadow.   
"…and now I suddenly feel like we might still be dying again. Did I offend you someway? You don’t have a daughter between the ages of 21 and 25 do you? Perhaps you did some cargo trading with us recently?" Lawg asked, covering the basic groveling.   
"Relax Lawg, if I wanted you dead, I'd just have the Robot kill you already." said the voice with a laugh. All eyes turned to Roy.   
"Come on guys…y'all looking at me like I am the bad guy here. Not cool." he said looking disappointed.   
"So, who exactly are you and why are you tracking us?" asked Lawg.   
"Well, I had to make sure Duffy was safe." he said. Duffy's Eyes lit up like Christmas morning and she began smiling from ear to ear.   
"Captain Ominous!!" she hollered.   
"Who the ass is Captain Ominous?" asked a confused Lawg.   
"He was my former Captain…on the starship that exploded. He survived…I told you he was a tough cookie."   
"Seriously?" asked Lawg. "They guy you said was on the ship when it exploded…and I told you he was dead and you said he probably got thrown into space and landed safely on some planet…that guy?" he asked.   
"Yep." she grinned.   
"It wasn’t quite that pleasant actually, but it takes more than an antimatter reactor detonation to kill me. Luckily I crawled in a cryo tube and sent a distress beacon that you guys picked up." replied Ominous.   
"The alien box we installed in the robot?" he asked.   
"Yep. All my crew wear tracking chips, so when the core ruptured and I regained consciousness, saw Duffy was still alive in the escape pod scanners, I bailed and connected my cryo-tube to a remote beacon emitter."  
"That's just confusing." Lawg said scratching his head.   
"Simple version…you cant kill Captain Ominous that easy and I have been hacking the Robot for weeks to keep an eye on you till I could get a ship and chase you down. You never wondered why the Robot's eyes glowed blue every time he saved your asses?" he asked, removing his sunglasses and revealing the blue display.   
"What the hell are you?" asked Lawg.   
"Mostly human, little extra here and there, and a whole heap of salvaged alien tech." he said winking at Duffy. "Ever hear of an Osirian?"   
"No." Lawg admitted.   
"Damn, well let me know when you do, because I got something they wanna see." he smirked menacingly.   
"So you just saved Duffy, and you couldn’t care less about me and the rest of the crew?" asked Lawg.   
"Not a single fragmented fraction of a fart. You are just lucky enough to pick her up and earn a little backup by proximity. Luck of the Chaffee. Keeping her alive and safe means keeping you guys alive as well." he said moving around in the darkness. "But sadly, I have to leave." he said Duffy looked slightly sad.   
"But…we just found each other, why would you immediately leave?"   
"I got a bigger mission to settle, and by my calculations I need to be ready in a few months for a shitstorm of epic proportions. Plus, I kinda like my solitude. I'm weird as hell, and I gotta stay free and unfettered like any token Badass." he said lighting a cigar with a small flamethrower he totally had next to him the whole time…probably just for cigars  
"Can't you stay a little bit?" Duffy asked all dreamy-eyed.   
"Oh I will always be looking out for you, I promise. Always watching." he grinned.   
"In spirit?" asked Lawg.   
"No…in the damn robot. Remember? I can remotely access the…did you seriously miss that entire point of that conversation?" asked Ominous.   
"He is exceptionally dense." said a very sad looking Marley, shuffling onto the bridge.   
"Aren't you curious who I am?" asked Ominous. Marley shrugged.   
"Not really, I'm kinda depressed about some stuff." he said hoping into his chair.   
"Don’t worry little guy, Things will get better soon." Ominous assured.   
"Whatever." he said noticing a data file appearing in the navigational systems.   
"Well, anyway…I call that a successful weapons test. Try and keep safe you crazy kids." Ominous said, switching the singularity drives back on. "I got some revenge mission stuff that will take at least an Earth season or so to complete."   
"Wait…you're just leaving?" asked Roy.   
"Yep. Unless Duffy wants to come with me." he said raising an eyebrow. She pondered it for a moment.   
"Actually…I feel at home here. This pink cardboard turd may not be anything special…but these idiots are like family to me. Just knowing you are alive and well is enough to make me sleep better. You were the best Captain ever, but they need me, and I know we never had a real chance, you can't bottle a force of nature." she smiled. Lawg turned slowly.   
"Hey!!" Lawg said, suddenly realizing in a delay he was offended about Ominous being the best Captain ever.   
"I understand," Ominous said. "And as long as you need me, part of me will always be on this ship." he said saluting.   
"In Duffy's heart, and all our gratitude's." said Lawg, with a deep look of respect. Marley smacked him in the head.   
"In the damn robot…get with the program Lawg. I've been here for 20 seconds and I grasp it…he's A Rogue Blue, he can hack our android so he can basically just pop up here at will…he's been doing it for weeks. How do you not grasp this?" he said returning to his post. The stealth ship disappeared and the singularity closed behind him.   
"So did we ever get the thing for Uka or is she just a panda forever now?" asked Lawg. Roy checked the system files.   
"I guess we have to find out in a few hours when the serum is done. That's one hell of a open-ended situation that would be annoying if left unresolved." he said pointing out the cliff-hanger.   
"I'm sure its fine." Lawg yawned.   
"Anyone else notice that the Cargo bay received a teleported crate?" he asked.   
"Don’t care, setting a course." said Marley, looking determined as she opened the data file.   
"Where are we going?" asked Lawg.   
"Trang system, ten day journey." Marley said hopping up and heading to his bunk. Lawg thought for a second.   
"Awe man, I hate that system." he whined.   
"Well, get used to it. The stealth ship left us about 800 pounds of Icarun Bamboo." smiled Roy.   
"So?" shrugged Lawg.   
"It's worth 50 credits a pound to the inhabitants of the 4th planet of the Tran system." Roy smirked, realizing they were about to hit serious payday, as his eyes glowed red.   
"Still, that planet is populated by a bunch of annoying Bears." Lawg scoffed.   
"I know you struggle with basic math but that is enough money to buy a new ship if we wanted." Roy said patting him on the back and walking away to tinker with his bike. Lawg began to beam with excitement. "Holy crap, your right, and enough to start my Earth-museum." he said striking a triumph pose. "Yyyyyes! Thank you Space-Santa, whoever you were!" He said saluting the remnants of the singularity trail. Marley stopped just behind Roy and crossed his arms for a moment. Roy turned and tilted his sunglasses down to reveal his now blue eyes.   
"So you have been basically part of this crew for weeks…And you are a Captain, remote piloting a crewman here. Does that technically make you the acting Captain on this ship?" he asked.   
"Oh, I don’t need titles to know where I stand." he grinned. "I basically just do what I want and enjoy myself." he smirked.   
"For the record though… you knew the Trang system was inhabited by Pandas, didn’t you?" Marley asked.   
"You can do way better than that rude humanoid in a panda suit." he assured him.   
"And you were active when Roy went rogue and stole the Captain's trailer-trash frozen princess, weren't you?" he smirked.   
"He can't win them all, Marley." Roy said sliding his sunglasses back on.   
"Duffy was right…you’re the best Captain ever." Marley grinned giving him a furry fist bump of approval.   
"Yea, I kinda am." Roy mumbled to himself. "Best of luck kid, I have a hunting trip I've been dying to go on." he chuckled darkly.   
"What a cool way to wrap up a really confusing few days." Mar yawned.


End file.
